HOW TO DEAL WITH A HATEFUL SD?
HELLO EVERYONE I HAVE NOT POSTED FOR A WHILE SO LET ME REMIND YOU OF MY BACKGROUND. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 8 MONTHS HE HAS 3 BIO KIDS AND SO DO I. WE TALKED ABOUT HAVING MORE KIDS AT FIRST I DIDN’T AGREE WITH IT BECAUSE OF THE DRAMA HE HAS WITH HIS KIDS (MAINLY SD15) SHE IS VERY HATEFUL AND CONSTANTLY SAYS MEAN THINGS TO HIM (THAT SHE HATES HIM, WISHES HIM DEAD ETC…) SO I BROUGHT THAT UP I TOLD HIM THAT I KNEW SHE WOULD SAY SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT THE BABY AND AS A MOM I WILL GET DEFENSIVE NOT CARING WHO SHE IS. MY HUSBAND SAID THAT HE WILL NOT ALLOW THAT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE HIS CHILD TOO AND IT WOULD BOTHER HIM AS WELL. SO FAST FORWARD IM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT NOW AND NOT SO LONG AGO GOING THRU HIS PHONE FOUND A TEXT FROM SD SAYING “I HOPE YOUR BABY HAS A PERSONALITY CAUSE IT WILL BE UGLIER THAN SHIT” AND THAT THE BABY WILL BE “RETARDED” WHAT WAS HIS RESPONSE? “I LOVE YOU HONEY” :jawdrop: NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS BEYOND PISSED WHAT HAPPENED TO “ITS MY BABY TOO AND I WILL PROTECT HIM/HER I WILL NOT ALLOW HER TO TALK LIKE THAT” WELL NOW EVERY CHANCE I GET I THROW IT IN HIS FACE ABOUT HOW SHES SUCH A LIL B*TCH AND HOW I DON’T LIKE HER AND DON’T WANT HER AROUND THE BABY. HES STILL IN DENIAL AND THINKS SHE “LOVES” THE BABY AND SHE WILL CHANGE ONCE THE BABY IS BORN. AM I TOO HARSH TO SAY THAT I DON’T WANT HER PART OF MY CHILDS LIFE? I DON’T WANT MY BABY TO FEEL THAT HE OR SHE IS NOT WANTED OR LOVED BY A SIBLING AND I DON’T WANT TO RISK AND SEE IF SHE WILL CHANGE. I UNDERSTAND THIS IS HIS DAUGHTER WERE TALKING ABOUT AND NO WAY TO GET RID OF HER BUT SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE MY HUSBAND HE HAS NO VISITING RIGHTS SO ITS NOT LIKE SHE COMES OVER BUT HE FEELS THAT ONE DAY SHE WILL COME AROUND AND APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING EVEN IF SHE DOES I DON’T WANT HER AROUND ME OR MY KIDS. I NEED ADVISE AS TO IF IM JUST BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE OR AM I RIGHT IN FEELING THIS WAY.
You cannot stop someones
You cannot stop someones reaction to your child however you CAN minimalize the damage by reducing their contact with you to a minimum.
Your DH is totally doing his daughter a disservice by allowing her to talk like this. He is not drawing a line in the sand for her and she will continue to walk all over him.
If I were you I would tell my DH that his daughter is encouraged to behave like this so you will not tolerate her name coming up in your home again. She is not allowed in the house and you want nothing to do with her. She cannot meet her new sibling until she shows to YOU she has grown up and is sorry for her previous crappy remarks.
For all you know she could be texting while with friends to prove what a pussy her father is (insert cackle of meangirl teens.) So if he doesn't mind being made a fool of and allowing himself to be ridiculed then let him do it on his own.
The sad thing is this baby will never be allowed to stay alone with his/her father or he may allow his spawn to see him/her.
And yes, he is a pussy. He needs to tell her to cut the crap. All the "I love you honey"s in the world just scream PUSSYDAD.
I can see why your DH reacted
I can see why your DH reacted the way he did...he is hoping that if he tells her enough that he loves her, that someday she will come around.
The problem with this approach is that his daughter is BEGGING for him to set some healthy limits with her! She is testing him, and seeing how far she can go before he does something. She WANTS him to SHOW HER that he loves her enough to tell her she needs to be more respectful towards him,you and the future baby. This doesn't mean she isn't allowed to have her negative feelings about the situation of her dad being divorced and remarried, and having a baby with another woman. She if probably fearful that this new baby will somehow "take her place" in her fathers eyes.
It is important that your DH have "dates" with his daughter. Time set aside JUST FOR HER ONLY - where he spends time with her and lets her know he loves her, BUT, he will NOT allow her to be direspectful.
I would suggest you stay away from the girl. She is struggling with her emotions, and she is a teen - she is going to drop bombs on her father, you and the new baby as much as she can. Having been through it with my son and my Skids, teens can be a real PAIN!
Again, it is up to your DH to deal with her, and let her know in no uncertain terms that her disrespect is not allowed. Then he can help her talk to him about her REAL FEELINGS, in a calm manner of feeling scared, hurt and angry.
Good luck.
OK....I agree with not the
OK....I agree with not the mom on a few things....except the bit about one on one dates...
This SD has an issue...it is not DH and your issue.
She is the one that cant deal with her father being remarried, and now another child is coming into the world...well she is really acting up.
Desperatly trying to get 'her' way and enjoys watching people run around after her.....the more she behaves bad...the more people run around for her.
This naughty girl, needs to be snubbed. bc in the real world, if you act like that, you end up with NO FRIENDS. No one talks to you, nor do they want you in their house.
Teaching her this lesson now....is a good thing.
Remind your DH that all these confusing feelings of hate and hostility that you feel, affect your child, and you dont want a new born baby being born all stressed and having problems sleeping.....your DH needs to tell his golden girl, she has stepped over her boundries, she may apologize but I bet, she aint one bit regretful. She needs to be kept away from you and your house. Your DH can give her a call and she can call him but unless she changes her attitude she can go to hell and stay there....your DH needs to sort her...Dont get caught up in her crap....
another thing.....you and your DH need to stand united on this....2 adults saying the same thing together will beat any little upstart teenager with her nose out of joint any day....
I too have horrible skids and the oldest one pulled a knife on my dh...not in front of me,....but some DH just seem to think 'aawww he is just reacting this way cos of the divorce"...bull shit....kids react from divorce but only loss of oxygen at birth causes this hatred attitude....so the kids are rooted...
oh and my dh kids said to him that they wouldnt allow us to have a baby...as they were the only selfish pricks that are entitled to their fathers wallet....
When I say the DH needs to
When I say the DH needs to have "dates" with his daughter, I mean he should set aside some time each week to spend time just with her. Take her out for breakfast on Saturday or Sunday morning is one possibility.
This might help her not feel so "abandoned" (remember I am talking about how SHE FEELS from her perspective, not that the DH has really abandoned her) and that her father cares enough for her to make time in his schedule just for them to have time together.
The DH can use this time to assure her that she is still important in his life, and give her a chance to vent her frustrations, anger and hurt feelings - but in a respectful way - to her father. He will need to have a thick skin when she is talking about her feelings, but if he can hang in there, and let her share her fears and angst, it might help.
Even though the daughter is one of three kids, she may be the more "sensitive one" of all the kids. Life events can affect different kids differently. Her being able to continue to have a one-on-one relationship with her father in the form of "dates" may help. Actually, it might help if he can somehow manage to keep in touch with all of his kids in this way - even though the other kids aren't acting out as this one daughter is. Just because they aren't acting out NOW, it doesn't mean they won't in the future....my DH's kids are a prime example of this. They are acting out now that they are in their twenties!
It's no guarantee, but it might help.
My DH constantly asks her for
My DH constantly asks her for them to do something and she always says "No I dont want to see you I hate you, did you pay the child support already" all he is to them is a wallet and that bothers me because I do see that he makes effort to see them and spend time with them but they push themselves away from him we think they suffer from PAS and I can be sensitive to that to a certain extent but when my kids get brought up in her angerness and her crap talking thats when I draw the line and hearing my DH response so loving to her really bothers me. I dont buy the BS about "poor baby shes a divorced child" becuase my girls do NOT act like her at at all they respect my DH and are very loving towards him. So last night I was talking to my DH and I told him that we were going to raise this unborn baby my way cause his way was not good and I dont raise bratty kids. I know it may be a lil mean but Im really hurt that he doesnt defend OUR baby from that lil witch. Ive had plenty of talks about her to him and he does understand where Im coming from however when something else is said he doesnt step up and put her in her place for fear of God knows what and Im just tired of it.
yeah I have the same issue
yeah I have the same issue here....my husband is nothing but an ATM for them skids....disrespectful shelfish horrors...
unless of course, they can get something out of it....and it causes me to be upset, would they want their father to take them somewhere....
I told him to take them to the museum just them and him alone for a couple of hours...oh no, they dont want that....no they want paint ball or shit that costs....
Again....that little bitch of yours needs her face smacked as far as Im concerned...not alone time,
harden the fuck up sweetheart....Daddys remarried and your about to get a little baby or brother....thats whats lifes about and as you enter into your adult world...youll come accross a lot more horrible things than this...so start finding ways to handle it....
and if she doesnt start being respectful to her step mother - take her phone off her, and ground her....bloody kids these days think they can get away with anything.....
sorry....bit over the top I know but....you have no idea wot my DH did to me on Sunday....I was furious....so pissed off I cant write about it yet..... }:)
h ho ho ho ho fn ho....xmas shits me this year....