How to influence communications with ex-wife

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Hi,

I'm writing from Sydney, Australia. I have been re-married for 6 months to a great man whom I really love. We both have daughters of 8 and 9. They get along quite well, for short periods (like most children).

My issue is the insidious presence that my husband's ex-wife has in our marriage. Hubby's been away for a week and I feel like a weight has been lifted because I don't have to hear her name mentioned or hear her calling.

My personal view is that an ex is an ex and there should be not "chats", discussions or visits into the previous family home. You don't bring your old marriage into the new marriage unless you want to get divorced again. All communication with ex's should be reduced to writing in emails or SMS mobile phone messages. Chats breed familiarity and inevitably an argument when one party doesn't like something the other party has said. It's also unnecessarily intrusive in the new marriage. I have managed to encourage my ex to resort to writing and it's working well. My husband never hears the guy's name mentioned.

When an ex-wife starts calling my husband to say that their daughter is crying because his cousin's daughter is in my daughter's class - enough is enough! You want custody? Take charge of the small stuff. Allowing your ex to pick up the phone and call all the time?...well you may as well go and move back in.

After having my stepdaughter to visit over the Christmas break, I realised that his ex and I are just too different for these visits to ever really work out. Like mother like daughter. The ex sent a few presents over for her daughter to open - one present was a bra (and the child is flat chested at 8). I have real issues with the messages she is sending her daughter and I feel that I want to have more of a say in what the daughter brings over to the house to wear. My husband does not seem to be able to handle his ex and has to continually buy his daughter clothes when she comes over because she comes with inappropriate attire.

Things reached a head a few weeks ago and I said that if we wanted this to work, then two things would need to happen. Firstly, he would have to distance himself from his ex by not talking to her on the phone and not taking her calls. Secondly, I want to take over the arrangements for his daughter's visits with his ex-wife and will focus on emailing to do so. This will have the advantage of distancing her from our marriage and putting in writing exactly what his daughter needs to bring to the house. I am also in favour of providing the daughter with a pre-paid mobile phone so that when he wants to speak with his daughter he doesn't have to call the ex first.

What do people think of these ideas? Has anyone tried something similar? I'm at my wits end when 8 yo stepdaughter turns up wearing a dress that an 18 year old wouldn't wear to a nightclub! Am I fighting a losing battle?

Realist

There are going to be times

There are going to be times that they are going to have to talk. If they can talk pleasantly, believe me, it's a good thing. They divorced for a reason and chatting with her won't make him stop loving you. It's better to try to maintain a civil relationship with the BM than to try to survive a hostile one, believe me. I've been struggling with this for the entire 5+ years that I've been married to my husband and I can tell you that living with a hostile, angry and vindictive ex-wife is a nightmare you don't want to find yourself waking up from. So if they can communicate, then count your blessings and try not to make it something it isn't.

However, you are so right that the fastest way to a second divorce is to let your first marriage intrude in the second one. In an ideal situation, I think the biological parents would be able to discuss their child with respect and civility when necessary. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work out that way very often. They either talk too much when it's not necessary and are too friendly or they can't talk at all because of all the hatred and hostility. Both scenarios cause problems, just different ones.

I think your best bet is to probably let your husband know that it bothers you that they have so many unnecessary communications and ask him if he would be willing to cut back. Maybe you could start screening her calls and only picking up or calling back when it is serious. Try having just once weekly calls to share routine info. As for picking up/dropping off, I seriously encourage you to stay out of it and let him make all the arrangements. The less you interact with her, the better, for your own sanity and for the sake of your marriage, just let him deal with it. For one thing, it's not your job. For another, if you think it will help your marriage to limit his contact with his ex, trust me, it will only make it worse. If she has to deal with you, rather than her child's other parent, she could get very angry and not cooperate. She might not let him get the child for visitation. You could be stirring up a hornet's nest that could actually damage your husband's ability to maintain access to his child. That would not be healthy for your marriage, either, if you end up being the reason that he loses access to his child.

The first two years of any marriage are the absolute hardest, I think. There are a lot of adjustments, a lot of changes and it's a hard transition, even though it's a good thing and something that makes you incredibly happy. You have to tread lightly, though. She's been their child for eight years. You've just officially been her stepmom for 6 months. You have a right to input, but it's basically their decision how to raise her. The problems you have with your stepdaughter, address these to your husband and, if he agrees, then it's up to him to make changes with your help. But if he doesn't want to make changes, well, some things you will just have to let go. You really have to choose your battles, because they are not all worth fighting. It just saps your energy and who needs that?!

I agree with you that you guys should definitely try to stick with using email as your method of communication. It's cut and dried, unemotional and you have a record of each transaction. The mobile phone is a nice idea, too, but don't think that mom won't answer the phone just because you gave it to the child. If she wants to talk to him, then she just might answer it for the child. But I do think you should probably limit your contact with the ex and let him do most of the communicating with her. Do this for your own sanity, if for no other reason. You have a right to set boundaries within your home and within your marriage and it's up to you and your husband to decide what those boundaries will be. Definitely do that. But let him deal with her, unless she expresses an interest in dealing with you. She might feel like you are taking over and that won't go well.

~ Anne ~

Thanks

Thanks for your reply. I agree that taking over may let the cat out of the bag so to speak, but this is really a last ditch shot. I have spoken to my husband so many times about his ex calling, to no avail. He even calls her to tell her he's on his way back to the house to drop her off. Just go already! Or send an SMS or get the daughter to call!

The reason why people have to make so many calls is that they change the arrangements all the time. My husband is no exception. We have his daughter every Friday night and all day Saturday each week. Hubby had to go overseas this week and had to change the arrangements. Rather than doing that 6 weeks ago, he assumes that he will be able to get his mom to pick the child up a day early (she was taking her for a week as it's school holidays here). When his mom couldn't do it, he had to call the ex and tell her the bad news. (I don't take his child when he can't do it and he doesn't mind mine - just a way we do things - i have done and it's not appreciated). Point is - by changing the arrangements it generates unnecessary phone calls. If I had been organising the process, this wouldn't have happened because I would have made contingency arrangements weeks before and then let his ex know by email what they were.

Thanks again for your advice. I appreciate it.

Thanks

Thanks again for your advice. I appreciate it.

I just posted this on my own blog!!!!

Due to recent CRAZY emails from BM to my husband, and then her either calling me after the email or after she has spoken to him, always AFTER though. He has been accused of from her from COMPLETELY TRYING TO ALWAYS SLEEP WITH HER, TALKING NEGATIVELY ABOUT ME, ALWAYS REMINISCING ABOUT THE PAST TO THE POINT OF "HER" FEELING UMCOFORTABLE. I think you all get my drift. So to now KEEP the peace between he and I, we have decided to only allow eamils to and from bio MOM to go to our JOINT email account. This request was made by him, and from his personal email account (because we wouldn't want BM to think I sent her the email right?) You would think that would be so simple right? Hhahahahahaahahahah what a joke. These BM have way too much empty time on their hands.

Here is the request from my husband with names removed.....

I need to make this clear...I am sorry if I had or have said anything to you in the past that made you feel as if I had crossed the line in parent to parent communications. And to eliminate anymore drama that may get a chance to occur, here are the following things that I will ask of you.

1. Communication between you and I will be via email on the joint email from SCOM.NET

2. You don't have to call me on nothing that an email won't cover (kids only).

3. There will be no more crap coming from my end of town.

I will start communicating via email with you after this email...via SCOM.NET my calls will be only for and about Bio Daughter and Bio son
--
DH

Here is STUPIDS response....

My bad- here you go- figured I do a page of my own

-----Original Message-----
From: BM
Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 7:11 PM
To: DH (note she still after being asked sends amails to his ACCOUNT only)
Subject: RE: Communications

Did you know this was out here

She sends a link on my personal yahoo account that she has no access to, that is what was right here!

It’s a good idea……………..

So what I am trying to show all of you is that after a request from my husband asking her to do what he has asked, she still blantaly dis-regards that request and he also asked for ALL communication to only be about KIDS, SHE replies with a link about ME!!!!! AND still to his persoanl account!
BUT I am the CRAZY one right?

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Tell your husband to put a

Tell your husband to put a block on receiving email from her to his personal email account. That would resolve that issue, and it would send a message to her that you guys mean business.

After reading the email you two sent, it does come off a little bit aggressive. It seems you need to take the emotion out of it. She might have responded differently if you had stuck to the point, and not attacked her/their behavior. Rather than stooping to the her level, which is childish....keep it more "business like" and not mention specific incidents. Here's what might have been more appropriate:

To make things easier on both our parts concerning our children, I would prefer any future communication that is necessary to be via email. It would resolve and clarify any misunderstandings.

Because my personal email account has been closed, please use the following email account for this purpose, as I will communicate with you solely in this manner. Here is my email account: via SCOM.NET

Have a Wonderful Day!
(Your Husband)

Make sure to block her from his personal email account, or it won't work though. If you two continue to play games with her and contribute to the drama, she will continue the games as well.

I don't know what has caused this rift between you, but for some reason she is lashing out at you and you need to remove yourself from the situation. You have become emotionally attached and it's not helping. Be the bigger person and remain silent.

Please explain

Clynn I did read your repsonse and because I am always basking in trying to gather as MUCH outside knowledge as possible when dealing with these issues BECAUSE I do realize how emotionally connected to it that I am as well as other people because it's our family. I had to read your response three times and go back and read our email that we sent to BM, I am truly and I do mean that, confused on where we ATTACKED her behaviour. And I mean that, I am NOT the kind of person who doesn't recogonize or care to recogonize when they are being a B...h, I am the 1st one to stand up and admit to that, and in past instances WHERE they were 100% needed I did stand up and could have cared less as to her feelings over the issue (too many to mention, but sending a card with our family photo in it and removing my 2 biological children from the picture and myself and only leaving my hbby, SD, and SS and stating "this is your real family) that's what I mean, so yes I have reacted Harshly in the past when made to act harshly but in this email I truly do not see what you see on where we attacked her.

BTW for all concerned hubby did block her emails from coming to his personal account, so she set up a new account and he blocked that one too, and he will continue until she stops, which is ironic bc my email said "these bio moms" have way too much time on their hands, I mean who really has the time in the day to keep setting up email accounts?

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Interfering ex

Hi everyone

I have the same issue - ie my partners ex makes unnecessary contact with my partner numerous times a day. She has in the past appeared at the lounge room door when we have been watching a movie. She has telephoned my partners doctor when she heard my partner was in hospital - to tell the doctor for him!!??? She actually phoned the hospital (when we both refused to answer our mobiles) and announced herself as his wife!!??

My partner had to take voice mail off his mobile many years ago as she was leaving 70+ messages per week. He put it back on this week as I have said enough is enough and explained how her intrustion into our life affects ME. I tried to explain how I feel by him spending time with her (which he is doing by accepting every call she makes) when he is supposed to be with me. I explained how having no boundaries made me feel like I was 2nd in the relationship because she basically calls the shots.

She phones my partner FIRST for everything - whether it is that she has a flat tyre, needs a fuse changed, needs to borrow his car, needs his camera, etc etc etc. And he always obliges and so I cracked it and said he was not being fair to me. He saw it as doing these things for his boys (ie they need the car - it is not for her)... but I explained how I saw it AND how she would be viewing it as him always being there for HER.

Anyway - I've had 2 years of this so I could go on and on. I 100% agree that them being amicable for the kids sake is fantastic. But these women are not interested in that. They want their ex to be at their beck and call. Just say no once and see the reaction. It is rarely if ever a crisis about the kids when she phones in the evening. In fact 2 phone calls were after 10pm and telling him to watch a TV show that she was watching. Can you believe it!!!!!

I try so hard to be patient but my patience have completely gone. He needs to back up his promise of love and devotion to me with actions to prove that. I would never say not to discuss his kids - but he did agree that only about 20% of the calls she makes are necessary so he promised to try harder to put a stop to her intrusions.

Issues with kids are the parents to make. We can make suggestions to our partner/husband about what we think - but ultimately it is the mum and dad's decision. I have kids too and while we discuss my kids - the decisions are mine and my ex's to make.

Anyway - good luck - I know how trying it can be!! Let me know how things go.
Jackie

wow - how do you handle it?

You must be a very patient woman with the ex calling that many times. I would have blown my fuse long ago. I agree that parents need to make the decisions about their child. I have no desire to. I'm too busy with my own child.

I think the problem is that what I'm observing is that most communications generated by an ex are unnecessary. That said - who can screen them - it's better not to talk on the phone at all. Writing is better. It's instant (mobile), a good record of what was agreed and emotionless. Frankly - unless it's a really important matter - child has major illness, child is having major problem at school...I just don't see the need to discuss anything. Having a partner speaking to his previous partner in your presence is bringing the old marriage into the present marriage. It's intrusive and a romance killer between two people.

In my case, my husband needs to do more to send a clear message that phone calls will not be answered. It is not necessarily all the fault of the ex. If my husband changes plans or is late, etc, etc, he just picks up the phone. It's all because they don't make an arrangement and stick to it. He is usually the culprit changing the plans because he is a corporate guy and too busy to do the work a "mom" would do with regards to organising. So, it's little wonder the ex gets upset when he calls a week before to say that he can't take the child. She should! Then of course it's "while you're on the line I just wanted to mention....."

Point is - the two of them are not organising the child's visits properly. I have a dress code and she should bring age-appropriate clothes. She can wear what she wants, have poor manners and act rudely at her own place. When she comes to mine, and if it's going to affect me, then I want a say because I've been watching this unfold over the last 18 months and in all that time she has rarely, if ever, come to the house with a bag packed properly. Meanwhile, there's plenty of talking from the ex on the phone- ABOUT NOTHING

Hi Realist!!!

You are very smart because I agree things look like their getting out of control. If your husband doesn't stop his relationship with this woman he will be getting another divorce for sure. I think the cell phone idea is great, and more people should do that. There should't be any communication unless its an emergency. Otherwise, you guys should be able to go through the child. So yes I would stop her from calling or even emailing, and sounds like shes just trying be a thorn in your marriage. She can deal with the child when in her care and in your care the discussion should only be between you and your husband. btw Are you guys planning to have your own children together? If so be prepared that usually wigs out the bp, so I think your smart to handle this problem now.

thanks

Yes- I'm 38 so I'm thinking I have decide sooner rather than later whether I'm going to have another child or not. I do want to get this problem with his ex squared away before that possibility. One of my concerns is that the ex will encourage or even just call if her daughter's crying because my daughter's living with the baby and she's not. Ex just doesn't seem to be able to deal with the child's emotional issues like most mothers. My husband feels guilty all the time about his daughter. I find the access arrangements we have to be the maximum I can handle and I wouldn't want another child to create bigger problems....

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How to influence communications with ex-wife