Practical solutions for SD's visits?
Hi everyone,
After trying numerous strategies to facilitate my 8 year old SD's visits, I have decided to leave the house with my daughter on Friday nights when she visits so that my husband can still see his daughter but everyone no longer gets upset by the visits.
My husband unilaterally disciplines my daughter every time his daughter is over and doesn't like how things are going. He goes on the defence of his daughter instead of letting them work it out and my daughter perceives injustice. So do I and several others who've noticed it. SD's visits were causing weekly tension in the house! My husband and daughter get along no problem during the rest of the week.
SD doesn't even say hello to me or look me in the eye...I don't blame her as she is a child and heaven knows what she's told at home or what messages she's getting. I have tried everything from stepping back and letting her come to me to doing special things for her. Nothing works. If I ask her to do something she rolls her eyes at me, if I ask her to stop nagging my daughter (she never brings anything to play with) she goes and sulks in her room....
I know that she may perceive me leaving my home once a week as a "win" for her, but I look at it as necessary to save our marriage. We are looking for another house nearby (I had the house we're in before we got married and he moved in here). That way, i can come back to my house on Fridays and he can have the "joint" house with his daughter.
I know it all sounds bizarre but what else can we do? We've tried blending for nearly two years and things are getting worse....
Does anyone or has anyone done something similar for the sake of peace? Do you have any other suggestions? Hubby is adamant that he wants her at the house and won't give up the Friday nights and I respect that...but I can't help feeling it's a bit unfair to expect all of us to adapt to someone who doesn't live here and who is not adapting to US!
I know it's only a band aid solution but i'm hoping that in a couple of years hubby won't be insisting on the Friday night sleepover and SD will want to hang out with her friends. SD lives a two hour round trip from our home and it's more practical to head over there for the day every saturday rather than driving back here at 7pm on Friday night only to head back in the morning at 9am for SD's extra-curricular activities....
Help!
Let her sulk in her room -
Let her sulk in her room - don't move out of your own home to accomodate your SD this is only going to show her that all her negative ways get her what she wants.
You also need to put your foot down with your husband. He needs to step up and start acting like a father and your husband instead of a doormat his daughter walks all over.
I know it's not easy and I feel for you but the truth is that if you give in to much she'll walk all over you.
Good luck - I really hope things work out
I have to agree that putting
I have to agree that putting your foot down is the way to go. Leaving your home for a child is just plain wrong. I also agree the BD has to be willing to stand by your side and correct his daughter appropriately.
I can tell you don't give in, stand up for yourself, but I can't tell you exactly how and know that it will probably cause a whole new set of problems if you try to point it out.
I am in a similar situation. the SS is 10 and things were very stressful and unfair on his visits. I even receinved phone calls from his BM accusing me of abuse and my B/F backed them up. Not me.
I have gotten to the point that unless the two of them are put in their place and SS can follow "our house rules", that I will not allow the visits here so me and my Bio kids are not destroyed by the B.S.
I feel guilty as all hell for causing this pain and discomfort for my B/F but I have to keep reminding myself that the SS has to learn to be acceptable as a human and follow rules, the B/F needs to learn that his son does not rule the roost and is not always right and the BM needs to know the she has no place in my home. This also allows my children to not be defensive and dispise the SS.
All in All until things change...which I don't forsee...this is how it has to be. Would you accpet this behavior from any other child or adult in your home? Why accept it from people that are supposed to love and support you?
And you are right it is the fault of the adults who need to parent properly much more than the fault of the confused, hurt, and angry child caught in and using the disagreement for what they perceive as their benefit(to have dad all to themselves).
If you allow this battle to be won, where does it stop and will it be accepted at all when you are serious about putting your foot down?
Good Luck! You are not alone.
Lisa Dawn
I give them 4 weeks : )
Thanks a lot for your replies!
Week one down. i have to say that I was upset having to go and stay at my mother's. I've told my husband that we will have to buy another place and we can forget about saving additional money living here because I don't have a mortgage. If YOU have the problem, I alone am not the solution.
I don't hold out much hope that BDs are going to change. Would we all be here if they were? I think my husband has a feeling of guilt EVERY time he looks at his daughter - he compares her to my daughter, he sees the interaction I have with my daughter, he criticises the parenting of his ex-wife. It's complex. I can't tell him any more than I have not to unilaterally discipline my daughter when his daughter is around. During the week it's fine between my daughter and him, but on the weekends - no.
I give them four weeks - he will realise that what he is doing is untenable. For the sake of 2-3 hours on a Friday night, the rest of the family is disrupted and has to leave the house because her visits are not working. If not - well at least I don't have to worry about cultivating a relationship with SD who has no interest in me and vice versa. I also feel like I am protecting my daughter from her "invasion" of her life every week.
I think it is a big problem when a child who is being raised by a woman with very different ideas comes into a home on a part time basis. It is not so hard if the parenting ideas are the same. I have to admit that she's not a naughty or misbehaved child. She is simply rude, aloof, naggy and clingy and these are characteristics I find repugnant.
I know I'm not alone and that is what I LOVE about this site.
Thanks!
I'm Getting Used to It, and you know what
I don't care any more. My skids came home today (they were suppose to come home last night but Dh was out of town and today due to the cold the kids had off of school so decided to stay longer at BM--YEAH--I digress) so they came home tonight. SS-16 came in said hi exchanged thoughts about this and that.. I nor her father has seen SD-15 come home--she is here because my BD -11 came down here complaining) . He is okay with this, I asked him if he heard from the teacher that SD-15 didn't attend her competition this week. He said no, I'll ask at dinner tonight.. (Oh yeah F*** Up another meal with her B***** attititude) well I ignore her, when she is ready for me I will be open. If not I will treat her as she treat me. Invisible!!
Fuzzy logic
How's this for fuzzy logic....
Hubby comes up with the solution for my daughter and I leaving the house on Friday nights and the issues with SD's visits....he gets a job overseas and moves the whole family (leaving SD with BM).
I respond - "Well you're insisting on having the Friday night visits from SD because you want to have the "family" experience, so why would you move overseas and leave your daughter here?"
The answer: "It wouldn't give me any option to see her"
Is it just me or is this fuzzy logic? Would it not be better to concede the Friday nights than take the drastic step of moving overseas?
Comments from the floor? : )
ok, explain this. If you get
ok, explain this. If you get your wish and he does not see his daughter on Friday nights any longer so you and your daughter can remain "sane", when will he ever see his daughter? And how will that child feel having utterly lost her only father to not only his new wife but another young girl who has taken her place in his life? Just try to understand how that girl feels and maybe you can gain some insight into why she is such a problem. This is her birth father you are talking about. Thats a hell of a relationship to split up for a little peace of mind one out of seven nights in a week. Do you want that guilt and resentment on your conscience forever?
So it's her fault that her DH
So it's her fault that her DH spoils his kid rotten? She's a terrible person for wanting to keep herself and her child sane? It's her fault her DH doesn't parent and is raising a monster? So she shouldn't be upset that her DH disciplines her daughter all while letting his kid run wild? It will be on her conscience that his relationship with his kid will be ruined? Really? He's doing a great job of this on his own by raising a spoiled kid with no boundaries and an unreasonable sense of entitlement by not bothering to be a father. For Pete's sake, he is willing to move overseas and never see his daughter, so that right there shows this whole thing with him and the kid isn't kosher.
I have experienced first hand what raising spoiled rotten kids creates and it's not good, decent, honest teenagers. My SO's teen daughter was raised like this and now she's a miserable, lying, dishonest thief who falsely accused a man of exposing himself to her all because Daddy fell in love and in her, and her mother's, eyes he wasn't giving her ALL the attention. OP is totally correct in how she feels. In whose world does what you say even make sense?
Um... okay?
(insert scratching head smilie) Well, I can see what he is trying to say.
This option gives him a way out. He must be tormented inside because I do have to say that I find it no different than if you lived here, and he is there... etc. Instead of dealing with the hassle, he's probably thinking that would solve the problem because really, there won't be a problem if he's not available. The same simple principle that you are trying to demonstrate with vacating family out of the house when SD is there.
Sometimes men just rather give up the fight just to avoid the hurt and pain. Sometimes the worst part of all of this is the constant torment they receive from separating from their children, or the BM lashing out, and then they have the current wife lashing about this and that at them. I'd look at if from his angle. You can't reason with unreasonable people.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Yeah I know
you're right. But man has the intelligence to change his life...sometimes he just fails to use it
It could all be solved so simply if he just let the girls solve their own problems when SD comes to visit and get up and parent when that's what he says he wants. He hasn't been able to do this and that's why I have had to make the choice I have. My daughter is the child-minder and I am the cook and cleaner - him - well he steps in when it suits and disciplines my daughter.
I'm not going to take my daughter out of school, leave my career and home and family to move overseas in what seems like a "fix all". Once a week - maybe
You're right StepMom - you can't reason with the unreasonable
Hang in there...
I think that it will work out. You just have to be able to talk to each other, and have a little patiences maybe. But, you've got us to listen! Sometimes, when it gets bad, I just stick my nose in my laptop and say... I'm working here! }:)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I'll explain it "Anonymous"
I am well aware that my SD is my husband's daughter. I am very keen for him to maintain a close relationship with her. He can go and see her when ever he wants. I have never stopped him from doing so. He sees her all day Saturday every week....
You know what, it's not my job to facilitate something that is not working any longer. 2 years is enough. It's his job to facilitate SD's visits because he is the one who wants them. That includes getting out of bed, parenting, travelling, and domestic work. After all, as you say - do I want that guilt on my conscience that I didn't let him be the parent he says he wants to be????
Thanks Step Mom
Thanks for your positive comments Step Mom. xx Don't you love anonymous posters? They hide behind a blank wall and pop up to stir the pot. Most of the time they haven't even read the initial posting so they are not appraised of the facts and then they drop their two cents worth...:)
Pleazzzzz I am sick of the insinuation that I am breaking up dadda and his little girl. Go and see her whenever you want!
I don't see where anyone
would get that your keeping them apart. I see it that someone has allowed and enabled this 8 year old to treat you that way. From day 1 that should have been handled by either you or your husband. In fact I would say this little girl needs an attitude adjustment. Tough if she doesn't like daddys wife, theres bigger problems if she comes over acting like that. I'm sure its difficult for her because she's a guest in yours and hubbys home but still...why is it she has been allowed to be rude to you. Shes going to have to understand that your the wife and nows the time let her know that she must also abey your rules.(actually again from day 1) So to me it sounds like she rules the roost at bm's and now at your house. imo leaving is really a mistake. If your husband cannot parent (and many are like that), then pick up the slack and parent both the girls as they should be. But there cannot be a different set of rules just because she visits. Leaving is ignoring/avoiding these issues with your husband instead of working them out.
Idea?!
How about sending just your daughter for a Friday night sleepover at a friend's house or with a family memeber, just a couple of times, and YOU stay at the house with him and his daughter to try to build some kind of workable relationship between the three of you. I don't mean months of this, just a couple of times to test the waters and see if there's hope. You, your daughter and hubby are a family unit every day of the week. Your SD isn't a part of that. She's probably jealous and he probably feels a supreme amount of guilt. What a recipe for disaster!
~ Anne ~
that's a great idea
Anne. Thanks for the suggestion. there is one problem with it though. You see my hausband doesn't do family things with my daughter. Nope, not a thing. What this means is that because ,my daughter's dad lives overseas, i am sole custodian. Since he doesn't get involved with my daughter i've been asking my mum to mind my daughter on saturday nights and sundays to try and make this marriage work and have some time with my partner and me. If i leave my daughter on friday nights then i will not see her all weekend. You see anne, he told me a long time ago that he didn't like my daughter and even though he has tempered his view since he is not interested in having a relationship with her. It is all fine as in happy enough and they are kind to each other but there's no depth and no one on one time.
Well, poop.
I don't know what else to say! I wish I had a magic wand for you. We've been struggling with a similar problem... my husband withholding affection from my son (whom my husband adopted) when he feels guilty about not being with his kids as much. We have our ups and downs. Some days they are best buddies, some days the guilt gets the better of my husband and things get difficult. I guess we can't expect the same kind of bond between stepparent/stepchild as we can between parent/child. I hope you'll just hang in there, though, and try to stick it out. She won't be a difficult child forever. Someday she'll be a difficult adult. (Yikes!) Seriously, though, if she's managing to boot you out on Friday nights, how long will it be before you get booted out permanently? I just don't believe in giving the kids that kind of control. They're just not mature enough to handle it. Neither are their fathers, sometimes!
I truly believe that getting the four of you together is the answer, not splitting up on her nights. But it would take work, maybe even counseling, and he would have to totally back you up. It doesn't sound like he's ready to make that kind of change or commitment to change, but if he's not there now, don't give up. He may eventually come around. Dads have blinders when it comes to their little girls.
~ Anne ~
That's why I'm keepin' my house
so I CAN'T get booted out
Thanks Anne. You always have good advice. I think that's what it boils down to - whether I'm prepared to stick around to see if it gets better. DH called me this morning and told me that he's not enjoying his job....well there goes the idea of buying another house because the job he's talking about going back to is far less income. Besides, buying another house for the Friday night visit problem is a little ludicrous when you think about it.
I agree that getting the four of us together would ordinarily be the answer - but when you're bringing in a child who is not interested in living by the way things work - or indeed capable - of fitting in with the personalities already living here, I just can't see it working. maybe these things only work when the skids and SM/SD get along....
I have to say, I am considering whether this is worth it. It just wears you down!
The message you're giving your daughter
...she has to leave her house for this brat? I would not allow that. I think that your husband should take his daughter out to dinner on Friday nights. When they return and you and your daughter are there, he needs to teach his brat some basic manners such as saying hello and being cordial to you. It does not mean you have to hang out together unless you're in a small apartment or something. I agree with the separation concept - there is nothing wrong with them spending time alone together since that is the point of her visit - but you and your daughter should not be forced to leave the house unless you have plans anyway. It is all in the messaging, and the way you're explaining it, I think the message to your daughter is everyone needs to bend over backwards for this stupid useless girl.
Also the idea he should go back to a lower paying job because he needs to 'enjoy' it more...I would not tolerate that either by the way, if it is not what you signed on for! If he wants to do that rather than look for a job he does enjoy but pays equally well or better....it should not be to the detriment of your plans, your lifestyle, or how much you have to pay as a percentage of household expenses relative to what he pays.