How many celebrations do they really need?
I’m just curious how many of you with stepkids who see both bio parents equally have double everything when it comes to holidays and birthdays? I guess that’s the way it probably is with most. My bio kids really don’t see their bio dad often so usually just have one celebration for these special occasions.
My stepkids see both parents very frequently. They usually get twice of everything. And my stepson was with his BM for his birthday. We had a birthday dinner for him last week, here, he celebrated with TM all weekend, today we got him a cake, and for his present from us, we are all going to a special exhibit at a museum in a couple months since it was sold out until then. I get that part, but everything all together, it’s no wonder these kids grow up so spoiled and entitled! It’s like his birthday is never ending. And I think part of it is more for DH than his son.
On on top of this, I feel like his other two kind of get ignored because their birthdays are so close together. They usually have on day where we celebrate both with one cake. I’ve never seen DH make such a big deal for their birthdays. Of course I’ve always thought middle SS was favored and this kind of proves that. Just had to get this off my chest, and wondering if others have experienced this. I’m also glad my kids don’t get this much attention because I don’t think it’s really healthy.
DH would get SS a gift and
DH would get SS a gift and make his favorite dinner or something. BM had the friend parties usually, but we'd sometimes allow a sleepover. My SS wasn't and isn't greedy for that kind of stuff though, so it was fine.
We celebrate as if BM weren't
We celebrate as if BM weren't in the picture. The gifts we buy, the activities we do, the food we eat - that's for us with the boys. If BM does the exact same stuff, so be it. However, DH isn't going to give up celebrating his kids' birthdays or other holidays just because BM may also do it. He wants the memories, too, and joint events are a no-go.
I think the issue is less celebrating twice and more overcompensating while celebrating. When parents get into a competition to see who can throw the biggest, bestest parties, and spend wild amounts of money on kids, THAT'S when it becomes problematic. Kids know when they're being bought, and when parents take a "pick me!" approach to celebrations, kids learn to game the system. This can even happen in intact families.
Remember, multiple celebrations for almost anyone for almost anything is a logistics problem, not a selfishness one. If my parents want to take me out to dinner, but my friends want to go out for drinks, but DH wants to go do an activity, it's not going to happen in one day. I'm going to schedule each of those things out. It's not selfish to celebrate when others want to celebrate. It's just the nature of time and availability. Same applies to kids in step families where, logistically, you'll celebrate things more than once because more than one group of people wants to celebrate with you.
My mom's birthday is Dec 26.
My mom's birthday is Dec 26. Since day one of their nearly 59 year marriage my dad has made sure that mom's birthday was celebrated independently from Christmas. He makes a big deal out of her birthday every year. So do her boys and all of their GKs.
Discounting two kid's B-days and going over the top on a third kid's birthday is a shitty thing for your DH to do.
smh
As for the double dipping on celebrations for a Skid/COD.... it is what it is.
That wasn't ever a worry for
That wasn't ever a worry for my sons and their dad never did or planned anything for them. He did come to a couple of events that were off site a couple of years but we stopped that. I remember being enraged at the gross amount of gifts SD got every CHristmas/Bday, etc. She has DH's parents/uncle/DH and myself/ then BM's parents are divorced so that's another two set of grandparents doing gifts, her godmother, then her aunts/uncles from Bm's side- then bm's partner of the month parents....it was obscene. We normally did very small gifts as we couldn't afford much. We didn't do parties for her either, as BM normally did that, so it would be a meal of her choice and some cupcakes maybe. We only attended one joint bday party w/her.
My kids would get the one party and we have very little family here so it was never a big deal. I would say they probably were on par with a normal intact family when it came to celebrations/gifts. I honestly get nauseated when I recall all she would get and then come here bragging about it. Yet my in-laws always cried about how deprived she was and how bad she had it in life because of her BM. Gag me.
Ex SD is grossly spoiled. For
Ex SD is grossly spoiled. For her 21st two years ago, Daddy shelled out 2000.00 plus for her party.
She hired a venue in the city, caterers, new dress etc. She was totally obnoxious in the days leading up to the event - when things didn't go to plan (ie the caterers said they couldn't supply the original menu she had chosen) instead of accepting and just going with it, she screamed and abused Daddy.
For all the expense and grandeur, she didnt actually have many friends to invite, and most of the guests were relatives from Daddy's side of the family, whom she doesn't like and treats with disdain.
But they were good for making up the numbers I guess
BM is deceased, and her family were "too busy" to come....other commitments etc.
BM is deceased... and her family does not engage with SD?
Hmmmmmm.
The why of that situation seems obvious. They may just recognize her as the toxic POS that she is and refuse to pollute their lives with her presence.
His two older children did
His two older children did not get the same when they turned 21.
My skids generally have two
My skids generally have two celebrations. They'll have one birthday party for friends, but the parent who doesn't host that party will still have a family celebration and give gifts. The parent who has them for Christmas handles Santa, but the other parent celebrates Christmas on another day, with presents and other special holiday things. They often get two Easter baskets, two egg hunts, two 4th of July barbecues, etc.
In all honesty, I think the double celebrations are more for the parents than the skids. Neither DH nor BM wants to miss a holiday or birthday with the skids. Only one gets the actual date, but both get to celebrate. I don't know that it makes the skids spoiled or entitled. It stands to reason that kids who are 50/50 would have more toys, more clothes, more celebrations than they'd have if they were only at one home.
It's done for the parents, to
It's done for the parents, to the detriment of the kid. I really think they are doing a huge disservice with these multiple/double celebrations. YES we have a problem with super entitled spoiled wrotten skids, so YES it hurts them. All so parents can 'out do' eachother or some weird guilt thing or just plain selfishness. In the end I think it's better to let them experience holidays as they come at each parents house. That is why typically court orders include rotating holidays! So Peter doesn't get a 2nd Easter egg basket, he gets it with mom this year, dad the next. Christmas may be the exception, but we don't throw a 2nd Christmas for a skid, they get presents when they came over.
I don't know why parents do these crazy things to be honest. Busy creating monsters.
I guess I don't see where two
I guess I don't see where two holiday celebrations creates monsters. That hasn't been my experience. Now, if each of the bio parents is constantly trying to outdo the other and make their house the "best" on an every day basis, I can see it negatively affecting the kids. An extra birthday cake and Easter basket and a few more gifts shouldn't be that big a deal.
In my experience with my
In my experience with my stepkids, they are constantly wanting the next biggest toy even when they've just received one, they start talking about what they want now. Or they want the same toy/gift they recently got but now updated. Thry also are not very grateful when they do get presents. They are never surprised or excited by much which, to me, is sad.
For Christmas, they got dropped off in the morning right after they had their own opening of presents with TM, for round number two. His go see each parent for part of the holidays which seems excessive to me. My kids had to wait until they arrived so they could open presents together. His talked the whole time about what they just got and kind of took away from my kids' time. Just annoying stuff like that.
And I don't know if I'm the bad stepmom if I don't get them Easter stuff when they will be with their mom that day. Do I need to get double or just focus on my kids? I never know what to do in these situations.
If they're ungrateful, I
If they're ungrateful, I wouldn't do anything. Their father can do it if he chooses. If my skids weren't appreciative, I would not go out of my way to help with their celebrations. I also don't make my bio wait for anything. For instance, we celebrate her Christmas on Dec. 25 whether skids are with us or not. We'll celebrate St. Nick's Day with all the kids in years when skids will be with BM for Christmas.
For us when it's religious holidays etc, if skids aren’t here
That day, well we aint doing anything fancy again just to make them feel special. Not here for religious new years, oh well too bad.
you decide to cancel last minut and be with bio mum for religious holidays, oh well too bad we aren't celebrating it again.
children from split homes need to accept life goes on when they aren't with a parent on a certain day. I'm a child of divorce but my parents never remarried or got romantic with anyone
It doesn't sound like it's so
It doesn't sound like it's so much the double celebration that's the issue, but more that your DH goes all out for just one kid and the other two see this and know he favors the one kid. That right there is where your DH is going to breed entitlement and resentment among his children.
I think you're right. I've
I think you're right. I've even brought this up to him, but DH is so blind and in denial of how he favors this child. So now I keep my mouth shut but it is so hard to like SS or respect DH. I don't know what else to do.