You are me, NY, 10 years ago. Now my SDs are 19, 23 and 25 and they're table manners, etc are good. BUT they are manipulative, mean girls. BM was and still is passive aggressive and says the opposite to girls. BUT, our BM is also bizarre, so hopefully yours isn't. In my situation, the BM had WAY more influence over us and we shared time 50/50. Good luck to you and God Bless. NEVER, EVER trust that BM will do what she's telling you she'll do. She's already proven to you that she DOES NOT agree with you.

It is worth it to try to take on their manners, cleaning skills etc. because if no one ever confronts them, they can say they didn't know, how, etc. But if they resist or refuse, they will find out soon enough when they have to live in the real world etc., that how they live will make them unpopular. Don't they like boys yet? because that could be an incentive to be more attractive personality etc.

We decided that even if SD resists, screams that she hates us etc. which she has, we will still tell her what we think she needs to know, so when she is grown she will at least remember that we told her. Unlike BM, who doesn't want to 'upset' her! It is slowly having an effect too! don't give up!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

This is a battle you can definitely win. You are entitled to set your own rules and expectations for behavior in your own home. If you and your dh sit down and make a clear plan that outlines what constitutes misbehavior and how it will be handled, and then FOLLOW through 100% of the time when the girls are with you, things will improve. It doesn't matter what bm says at her house and what goes on there. Children are great at adapting to different environments. It won't be easy in the beginning, and you might spend all of your time with them in correction mode, but if you will stick to your guns things will improve and improve dramatically. Trust me on this!!

We found that his kids hated it at ours due to all the rules but at mums house, the fun house, they all live like best mates and go out to the pub together. Children dont need a chummy mummy they need parents who set them rules and boundrys that will help them in later life. Set your rules and dont deviate from them. If you get the "at mums we do it this way" speech tell them they are not at their mums and there are rules in your home.

Without rules, they may become spoilt and horrible individuals in later life. Parents are not there to be liked, they are there to guide and inspire.

Later on they will thank you for it.

Honest!

You are not your childs friend, you are their parents ! You can be their friends after you're done raising them ! Set the rules and enforce them. My kids get away with murder at their dads house (dad and SM (and SM's son)also live with BD's parents though so... heh) however I'm SURE if they LIVED their then they'd have rules as well. Maybe I'm wrong but I always said if my kids wanted to move then fine, but they better not want to move back 3 months later saying how they hated it lol. Your house means your rules, and they need to respect that. Seeing kids once a year is much different then every or every other weekend ! Lay the law down !

~Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!~

When they see your good manners and -- just as importantly -- what is expected when they're at a friend's house, at a restaurant, etc. My ex does not have great manners (and to say that is being KIND), but my DH has excellent manners (to this day he still opens the car door for me every time I get in and out of the car!). I have been amazed and pleased at how much my BS15 has picked up from DH in the past three years. He hated the idea of me getting remarried -- which makes it all the more surprising. And the best part -- my DH never gave him any explicit instructions (didn't have to). I also have BS10 and BS7 -- and they are becomming little gentlemen as well.

So continue to set an excellent example -- your SD's will admire your manners and -- sooner or later -- you will see it reflected in their behavior. Good luck!