I generally don't like kids but am willing to live and help with his
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He said in a moment of anger that his kids never misbehave when I'm not here. I feel he started our relationship too early after their BM left. But he once heard me say I guess I don't like kids when we were in a restaurant, and I didn't think some kids were behaving properly. That doesn't mean I don't love his kids and am not willing to be there for them. I feel his disaplinning of them is spineless because he fears them not loving him if doesn't give them what they want. He knows that literally turns me off when he's spineless. I feel like I'm his mom sometimes to get him from procrastinating from what he wants to achieve. Even as simple as making a doctor appointment. Help!
Please be careful. You will
Please be careful. You will never truly love the kids and it is unrealistic to expect this. Keep reading here and you will see just how complicated the step world is.
Leave the disciplining to him. Not your monkey - not your circus.
I really do love his son, as
I really do love his son, as well as like him too. He has ADD and inappropriate parenting from his BM. Very messed up. But in our house he can be effectively parented with use of discipline that is not shouting with anger. With the agreement of their dad, my fiancé, we have already shown this with chores and rules. My fiancé just won't apply these effective skills to other misbehavior unless I can sit him down and talk to him. Then I feel like my fiancé's mother. And it's always after the screaming episodes. It can be so simple if he would just think and not worry about the kids being disappointed in him because he's not kissing their asses.
They appreciate nothing he does for them! And it breaks his heart. He's cried after they leave from the weekend with us. He's super sensitive.
I meant to write "love them
I meant to write "love them as your own" I do agree you can love your steps but different from your own.
As stated above, keep
As stated above, keep reading. You will resent the way he behaves more and more. It is highly unlikely he will grow a spine, at least one that is more than temporary as a result of a conflict. He is always going to be lazy about making appointments and such. Is he looking for you to be a caretaker for him and his or a relationship partner?
You aren't going to change his parenting style. You aren't going to change his personal habits. He isn't suddenly going to turn into a responsible adult.
You have choices...
1. Realize this is how life will be and accept it for how it is.
2. Change the relationship from family to couple by only spending time with him when the kids aren't there.
3. Find a new relationship.
Excellent advise. I've
Excellent advise. I've already kept at a distance when they are here but it hurts him and he considers it disrespectful to them.
We are in couples therapy to be aware of what's going on. Are trying to get kids in there too.
Do you really think he can't change his strengths with therapy and research on effective parenting skills?
As stated above, they may grow a spine but it will only be temporary. I'm wondering if things my change when the leave for college.
Thanks for advice.
Change is a long hard road.
Change is a long hard road. Not impossible, but definitely not easy. People tend to fall back on their old ways when they most need to be using what they learned/changed.
As far as how things change when kids leave for college--read the adult stepchildren forum. Often very little changes except instead of BM wanting more money, it's skids wanting money and things without even offering basic respect in return.
I am not to that point yet with my kids, but I do have a young adult child and one in college. Even prior to my divorce, the older one was the "come visit me at school mom" type, but when I got there he wanted me to take him to Walmart then go back home--school was 3 hours away. I told him I wouldn't be doing that--I could send him a check and save myself the trip if all he wanted was my money. He ended up failing out of college, the money train was cut off, and after a bit of tough love he has been working and paying his own bills a few years. My child currently in college asks for very little. She is in school 6 hours from me. She calls a few times a month, and sends me an occasional text, but has only ever asked for money for necessities, and then she apologizes for having to ask. DH has no problem with my sending her what she needs, because she isn't demanding, has always treated him with respect, and really has no expectation of anything from us. She is fiercely independent and wants to do everything on her own.
Every situation is going to be a bit different, but a kid isn't going to change their basic behaviors just because they are off to school.
You will never truly love the
You will never truly love the kids and it is unrealistic to expect this.
This is not true. Many people can love children who are not their own.
The problem here, is a parent who is afraid of losing the love of their children if they discipline them and that is something that your fiance is going to have to get past. His kids will have much more productive lives if he is a parent and not a friend. He cannot be afraid of them or of losing their love. The friendship phase of parenting comes MUCH later and even then, a parent is a parent.
Kids do not appreciate what the parents do for them until later in life. That is just part of being a parent. Your fiance has to discipline despite his fears, despite his feelings that his kids will be "disappointed" in him if he is not kissing their asses. That is not disappointment, that is just being spoiled brats. Never did it cross my mind to be "disappointed" in my parents for parenting me. That's absurd.
He has to remember, it is in his kids' best interest to actually parent and discipline, putting his own feelings of guilt aside. Otherwise, he's parenting from a place of selfishness.
Thank you. I agree strongly
Thank you. I agree strongly with your last paragraph and have actually told him this in the past.
Their BM is so messed up but shows love for them. My friends have some very effective parenting procedures that I point out to him, as simple as...if they complain and misbehave at theater, get up and leave. My friends have done this before and it works! But he says I can't compare him to them because I'm not a parent and my friends don't have crazy BM. But it's only effective procedures I'm pointing out to him, not comparing the kids.
When I have used these rules in our house and stuck to them, they have been successful.
Thanks tommar. He is caving
Thanks tommar. He is caving to me, I think. The behavior of his kids has gotten so much better in our house and has stayed horrid at their BMs house. It's because of what I have taught him from advice and research I've done. As well as classes I took I in college. He was amazed at the output he saw from what I told him to try. Giving them structure, especially the ADD SS, did wonders. But then he backs away from this structure and I have to deal with the screaming in the house, and basically DH pouting the rest of the day after there's an episode with his kids.
So if I step back and let him do all of the parenting, I think I'll have to just not be here when they come over because the DHs inability to have a spine when parenting literally turns me off hb
I disagree with someone
I disagree with someone saying that you will never truly love his kids. everyone is different. some are capable of loving where others are not.
I agree. The problem here is
I agree. The problem here is liking the SD. Otherwise love is there. I love all of my friend's kids. I'm definitely not as patient with toddlers as a normal parent would be, but I certainly am not mean to them or let it show. My SD and SS are 12&14. I really adore the SS and have missed him when he's gone, but his behavior can get out of hand because of his ADD and his fathers lack of consistent parenting.