I just need someone who understands and might offer some helpful advice
I found this site, and several posts referred to how helpful people here and how this site saved their relationships, etc. So I am kind of at a desperate point and really can't see anything but destruction of my relationship with my partner and me left with no self esteem or self worth. I will try to keep this short....
I am a gay father of four kids. One is left at home and lives with me and my partner. I am the step parent to 2 other girls from my partners former marriage. We have been together for almost 9 years now. Both of us have given so much over the years to our children. We traveled extensively for visitation, been through a sad but much needed custody battle because my ex was mentally unfit to be a mother, on top of lots of everything else. We have always joked we were the new century's Brady Bunch.
I thought we had an ok thing going, with the normal ups and downs and a few twists, but I felt we were managing it ok. My dh's (I will call him that for ease of conversation) ex was controlling and manipulative. He was easily manipulated by her and would always take sides with her and his daughters instead of finding facts and actually supporting us and our relationship. But I was strong, I told myself it was ok, I understood how important children were because I had my own that weren't perfect. Sometimes I would get frustrated/sad/angry w/e and I would try to put some limits on the aggression or slander that was coming my way. In the end I was usually the villain and whatever the situation, I was the problem.
Last spring, our world came to a crashing end....my dh's dd15, didn't want to go on a vacation with us so she threw a horrible fit. She made horrible accusations and she and her mother cut me off from them and any family events. It was utterly devastating. (The accusations btw, were not true and my dh caught them, which is a whole other story....) He and his dd15 went into counseling. She attended three sessions and her mother decided that she didn't need to go back, even though the counselor and her dad felt strongly that she needed some help.
Fast forward to present day. It has been 8 months of couples counseling, and my dh understands and is trying to do things to repair the damage that has happened. But at every turn his dd15, dd20 and ex make it difficult. They rarely see him, we send huge amounts of money to his dd20 for college (which is a sore subject with me because I don't want to give money to people who are always bashing me.) It is so bad that tonight, the ex forced her way into a dinner, after a concert, that we had scheduled. She took over and manipulated seating arrangements etc, and when I told her what the arrangements were (because he was not there) it exploded into the dd15 leaving in tears and disappearing from the restaurant, the ex going after her, us leaving and the dd20 texting her dad to say that she was "disappointed in him".
I just feel so caught up in the twilight zone. I have done everything I could think of, from going to events, not going to events, letting my partner go to the "family birthday parties" when they specifically call and say I can't come, having them to my home, send apology letters for whatever hurt I have caused...everything. And yet here I am, not knowing what to do. Counselor saying go to events and establish yourself as a couple, my dh wanting me to go, me not wanting to go, but not wanting to cause trouble, watching this effect my 10 year old emotionally because she sees their behavior, treatment and the fighting that is resulting in this....
I just don't know what to do...is there anyone in this group with some advice, counsel, anything?
Thanks!!
Hi, sorry - I see you have
Hi, sorry - I see you have tried the couples counselling already - but on the bright side - it HAS helped with your OH? How do you feel it has gone, been helpful? Do you think it had results or would another counsellor maybe help?
I still think talking to him, with both of you just being open and talking about how you feel and what needs to happen for you both to be happy with things.
I also get the being excluded from "family" events because it makes people uncomfortable - at least your OH wants you there - that's a positive. Mine doesn't want me to go, it would just make things awkward for his kids..... F*ck that! I say we should be presenting a united front AS a couple to all his family and if they have a problem with that he needs to defend ME.
I think your OH is obviously torn between you and his daughters, which we all understand, but he needs to step up and stop allowing them to behave this way. Going out on a limb here, and sorry if this offends, but you guys obviously came out around the time you got together, and his oldest would have been just about to enter puberty? It sounds like his ex has had major issues with this? (Just guessing and trying to see how they could be feeling) Is it possible your partner feels guilt for putting them through the stress of that and that is why he is allowing them to come between you - my partner feels guilt for leaving BM and the skids so he tends to allow a lot of crap and disrespect here against me and my kids because of his guilt.
Perhaps he needs counselling on his own to deal with HIS issues?
Oh Luchay! You are so wise
Oh Luchay! You are so wise and correct! Your "guessing" as I guess you would say, is spot on! I have tried the united front approach and it is all good behind close doors, but then when it comes to the implementation, it falls apart. We just recently changed counselors and I told him that the next appointment I was not going. He needed to figure out what he wanted....where he wants his relationships to go before any of us can even begin to meet him in the middle or on terms of a new relationship. I don't think he was very good with that, but we will see. I just feel like my job is to protect my own daughter and make sure she isn't feeling the impact and give him space to figure it out.
As to answer your question about time together...not really. He travels Monday through Thursday, so Friday through Sunday is all everybody gets. It is a cramped weekend with a lot of people who want his attention and not enough time. I know his DD's should have time, but I want the majority of it. Since they refuse to come here to our house, then I think he should see them briefly and not sacrifice the time we have and that the kids in this house have. .... maybe I am being unrealistic?
PS Luchay>> Please keep
PS Luchay>>
Please keep talking. I love hearing what you have to say, knowing that there is someone out there that might understand just a little. Know that I am about to go to bed, so if I don't respond it is just because I am sleeping, not ignoring.
Hugs and again, thanks!
Ugh, I get that about the
Ugh, I get that about the time!
I have the same issues - OH and the skids want time alone together, and that's fine in moderation (which makes me feel the selfish bitch!) But seriously, they both (yours and mine) need to prioritize our r/s as well as their kids.
Goodnight! Am in Australia, so I am just about to take my dd's dancing.
Hopefully you will get some other responses and helpful advice!
I am sorry that you have such
I am sorry that you have such a devastating situation! I can't pretend I know what to do at all, but you and your DH need to get on the same page. Dd20 is too old to behave like a spoiled child, she has to grow the fuck up and realize that her father has a life with you and that she is no longer the baby in need of constant coddling. The 15yo is still going to struggle with stuff, teens are just hard! But she is old enough to have serious conversations about how inappropriate this crap is, too. You are doing the right thing with couples counseling. Talk to the counsellor on your own, too, or get a personal counselor or therapist to help you manage some of this, you need to take care of yourself in the midst of the drama. Try to disengage as much as you can, but you need your DH to back you up!
good luck with everything, I hope your circumstances improve!
A relationship where one SO
A relationship where one SO puts the other first without similar reciprocation is not sustainable. The relationship must be the core of the family or there is no family. Time for your SO to man up with his X and with his spawn and put his SO relationship first. Even with all of the drama this was nothing more than your SD-15 and her BM manipulating for dramatic effect. Let them walk. Were I you I would have stayed and had a great dinner.
I would suggest that you invest in a position of fact based assertive strength. If your SO will have no backbone with his XW and their spawn then you will have to. Setting the example for your 10yo of a confident and assertive father who is committed to the primary adult relationship will do you, your SO, your relationship and your child every good.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I disagree with your
I disagree with your counsellor. After 9 years you should not be having to put yourself through difficult situations with people who won't respect and accept you in order to 'establish yourself as a couple'. You have been together 9 years, you ARE a couple, you have done everything in your power to create an integrated family, you don't have to prove anything. If his family don't accept you now, the likelihood is they are never going to. It's unjust and hurtful and it's very frustrating when in the past it had seemed as though your efforts were paying off. But it happens to a lot of stepparents to some degree, we put in the practical and emotional effort imagining that it is winning us the appreciation and affection of our partner and their children, only to find that our investment never matures, and when we try to draw on it when stresses and issues arise the account is empty.
The likelihood is that in your case it is happening for a whole lot of reasons that are actually nothing to do with you personally and have much more to do with your partners ex's personal issues and resentment. All too often a bitter manipulative ex will fundamentally affect her children's attitude towards their father and his new partner, and while a committed father may be able to counteract that when the children are young, once they reach their teen years it all becomes much more difficult. The mothers negativity can just encourage the teens to focus their rebellion and attitutude on their Dad, and a self centred teen is ill placed to empathise with or open up to their Dad, especially if he is non custodial. It is hard to reason with a hormonal deluded teenager and they are even less inclined to pay attention to a stepparent.
Like you I put a lot of care and effort into my relationships with our own step-Brady bunch. Like you it all fell apart when the youngest was a teenager and like you I was deeply hurt and frustrated, not least because I felt like my husband should have waded in to make it clear to SS that his attitude was unacceptable. Instead he chose to negotiate and placate, paralysed with fear lest his son cut him off as well. That approach simply gave credence to SS's gripes and perpetuated his resentment. He has not visited our home for 2 years.
Your stepdaughters don't appear to have cut you off altogether, but you are almost in a worse situation where you are regularly exposed to unpleasant incidents with them and are kept dangling, sometimes included and sometimes excluded. I think you can get to a point where trying to smooth over troubled waters and placate people who are behaving unreasonably lets those people think that you really are accountable in some way. My advice to you would be to stop. Stop trying to participate as a couple with his children. You have 4 children of your own, you have your partner, focus on yourself and the relationships that make you happy and let your partner pursue a relationship with his children independently. One of his children is already an adult, the other will be grown in less than 3 years. There is no need to play happy families and certainly no benefit to you, or to your relationship with your partner - it just causes friction and resentment.
My DH takes SS16 for dinner every Wednesday, and sees him every Sunday afternoon for a few hours. After a long time wrestling with my resentment and hurt over the situation I have let it go and am now happily focussed on my own 3 children and DH. I choose not to have my happiness and my marriage held hostage by a teenager. SS is a completely separate part of DH's life and I have no involvement. You love your partner, you chose your partner, focus on that, not on the children you didn't chose and who didn't choose you. If they get over their issues all well and good and you can choose whether to spend time with them again, if not it's really not your loss. It's only a loss if you continue to let their behaviour upset you and disrupt your relationship.
I just want to say thank you
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. I have reach the point that so many of you are expressing and told DH that I was not going to be involved with his dd anymore. That he needed to go to counseling and figure out what he wanted in a relationship with them (and with me) and that when he had decided what it was that he wanted, we could strive for it together in our relationship. As for dh's dd I told him, that I would try to support him in whatever goals he set, but that those goals could not impact our current relationship or family. That they would take second place to our relationship and family.
He didn't balk at the idea, he was listening. I think it was one more sadness for him because he wanted so much to have the "happy family", but I think he also understands...at least that is the impression I am getting.
A special thanks to dtzyblnd for giving words to what I was feeling and seeing. I have research that concept, and I can not tell you how grateful I am to you. I shared it with the dh and he looked it up, and said "that seems so right, but I don't know what to do about it now." I told him that in any bullying situation, he needed to get to a safe place first. (In truth, I think that relational aggression has been the MO of the X and the dd's for his whole life. He was a victim and just accepted it as normal.)
Thank you again for sharing all your stories with me. I am drawing strength and peace from knowing that I am not the only one and that there are people who understand this awful and heinous situation I am in. I am taking every piece of advice you are giving and trying to make it part of my "new world". You are all so appreciated! And I hope that it is ok to "friend request" people and that more people will share their stories.
XOXO!
So glad that you have found
As I said earlier, sometimes just that feeling that you are NOT crazy, alone and selfish - that others get it and are living it too takes such a weight off.
Your OH sounds like he is really trying, and I get that he wanted the whole Brady Bunch myth - didn't we all! What he needs to realise is that that was TV, it's not real. It's not achievable and he needs to lower his dreams a little and aim for something realistic.
Which would be sustaining a workable relationship with his daughters (who as someone said aren't kids anymore) and having a loving relationship and homelife with you.