I need help ...AGAIN !!!
I am full of need tonight....sorry I usually try to handle things myself but here is another topic that I am wits end over and see becoming a very stressful thing soon if it isn't dealt with so any suggestions would be VERY helpful.
Almost every time one of the kids try to talk to me or ask me something and addres me specifically, I do not get the chance to answer without arguement.
Let me explain better...the kid says hey mom, then finishes or tries to finish what they are saying and my SO answers before they can finish or I can answer.
He says he is trying to take some burden off of me by helping to deal with the kids. I say he is undermining me and taking away a personal relationship of mine with my kids.
I have asked him to stop, ignored him and continued talking to the kids as if he didn't say anything(which then undermines him), gotten sarcastic with him and said "thanks mom" or something similar...
He continues what he is doing and doesn't seem to care what me or the kids are trying to take care of ourselves.
I do go to him for help when I need it and send the kids to him for some things. I try to include him as much as possible in everything we do around here. so I don't think he is trying to "make a place" in the family.
What he is not realizing is that whenever he does this it causes me or him to belittle eachother in front of the kids and shows them that there can be separation when it comes to issues ragarding them. He also doesn't realize, or at least I don't think he does, how much resentment this puts between us and between each adult with the kids.
It is now at the point that the kids are getting sarcastic with him or ignoring him when he does it then he expects me to punish them for not acknowledging or listening to an adult. I don't feel that is fair to any of us when he is the one that I feel is out of line.
How can I correct this situation before it gets to the point that him and the kids are both making me choose between them on everything no matter how big or small?
Am I doing something wrong or missing something?
How do I correct this situation.
My suggestion...
is based on what his response is... if you agree with it, then say so and direct the kids accordingly. If you don't agree with him, than speak to the kids and address them only- leave him out of it, since the kids addressed you. Undermining or not, it's rude to talk over others and make sure the kids understand the difference of talking over people, or "for" people. Do not make sarcastic comments or jabs at each other- period, just move on- otherwise, the kids pick up on the behavior and will mimic (as you say they are doing now) and the tension of the issue between the adults. Snipping comments, or sarcastic comments can back fire... depending on the nature of it. If it's done humorously, I think it lightens the mood, however, if they are condescending or grumbled, than I think it sends the wrong message.
Hope that helps...
StepMom
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
You have a 'shut up' pill?
You have a 'shut up' pill? How much does it cost? Where can I get it? What are the side effects? How long does it last? Can you give it to cats & dogs? Does it come in bulk?
Really, if you had a 'shut up' pill you'd make a fortune!
Hipi
And when I find a nice guy
And when I find a nice guy with NO kids, I can dump my boyfriend (who has 4) and take a couple of "repressitols" to forget the whole nasty business.
I totally cop to being a bitch.
I can't use the PMS excuse because I don't get it. I barely even get a period anymore. Yeah, TMI, I know. But I will admit to being a total bitch sometimes and that's usually the result of getting marginalized by everyone in my family. No one wants to be taken advantage of, pushed to the side, ignored, disrespected or made to feel invisible. When that happens, I totally go into bitch mode.
But our kids are starting to pull that ask mom if dad says no and ask dad if mom says no crap and we just started checking before we give an answer. My immediate response to any question is, "What did Daddy say?" And his is, "What did Mama say?" Then we check with each other. Sometimes we forget and there's a problem, but instead of fighting over it, we remind the kids not to shop for the answer they want.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook