Introducting Myself

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Hello, I just signed up after reading a few of the posts and am hoping this will be a great resource for me to observe what others are going through in similar situations to mine while also perhaps getting a little validation in my own circumstance.

A little about me, I am 42 years old have never been married or have any kids of my own. I am currently living with my girlfriend and her two middle school aged kids for a little over a year now. During that time our circumstances have changed. At first their father had them during the week for school (he lives in a neighboring county) and we had them weekends and holidays. That changed this fall when the court ruled it would be better for them to be with us for academics and him for weekends and holidays. That lasted for about a month when in September we discovered he had violated the parenting plan and has since been unable to see them unsupervised. We now have them full time. They are good kids and I love my girlfriend but I am finding it difficult at times to not be over whelmed. I have this constant stuggle going on in my mind about whether I am a really good guy or really stupid.

I have gotten feedback from my girlfriend and the family therapist about there being a much greater sense of stability since I have been around and the kids are doing well. It's just hard because I no longer have much control over my time, which having lived alone for 20 years is really an adjustment. I hate using that as an excuse because it's been a year but I still am struggling with it at times.

I don't think it is a question of being happy or not. I have found compared to living alone where it was pretty even kield, my current situation has much higher highs which I love and rather than say lows I'll say a lot more struggles. If it's not one thing it's another.

I also keep reminding myself that it's the age too. I got an almost 14 year old girl who has me throughly confused on what kind of mood she is going to be in from what feels like minute to minute. The younger 12 year old boy doesn't seem to do much beyond play xbox and ask for us to buy him things with no conception of money.

At the end of the day I am finding this to be a very thankless job, not that I need constant praise. I will never be their dad nor is it my goal to be. I guess I am confused on how this should feel. My girlfirend tells me the kids respect me and do not want to disappoint me.

Anyhow sorry for the ramble, I really hope there are others going through things like this and having similar feelings. I often feel like I am in over my head.

So this is a tough situation

So this is a tough situation - you have been thrown into being a parent when it's not what you signed on for. Many of us here feel it's not the stepparent's job to do ANY parenting, period, unless they want to. Many bio parents assume their new partner will help with parenting, so if the stepparent doesn't want to, that becomes a conflict.

You have every right to be overwhelmed and even question the relationship entirely, IMO. Thankfully my DH didn't want or need my help parenting, so it wasn't an issue for me. But if you "bring stability", that means your GF is a weak parent who doesn't handle it well on her own. But eventually, these kids will start the "you aren't my father" stuff.

It is an adjustment to learn

It is an adjustment to learn to live with someone.. and when you add kids to the mix.. it becomes even more complicated.

Now, it is a GIVEN that you are not obligated to support or financially pay for anything to do with your GF or her kids. Their cost of living is soley on HER and her EX. It is HER responsibility to raise her kids.. not yours. Yes, they may be in your home.. but discipline, cleaning up after, driving around? all are her responsibility.

So.. when it comes to gratefulness.. the only person that "really" needs to show you her appreciation is your GF. Your Stepkids don't have to thank you for putting a meal on the table, providing a room for them to sleep in or paying the light bill. Did you thank your parents for the cost and work of raising YOU? Sure..you don't "have" to do these things.. but if you do them.. they are a favor to your GIRLFRIEND.. not her kids.

Now, they should show reasonable appreciation for gifts and special treats.. their MOTHER should teach them that.

If you feel they are lacking in manners.. look to the adults that raised them for blame.. and your GF may need to work on this area of her parenting.

In the end, living together may not be the right situation for you with her while her kids are in the home.. perhaps you could rethink this once they are old enough to live on their own?

Welcome to Steptalk!

Its been a lifesaver for me over the years. I am 5.5 years in, and have two SD's plus a High conflict Toxic Bio mother to deal with.

I am 51, with no bios of my own, married 1.5 years (first marriage).

Read read read, and then read some more. You will find there is a TON of knowledge here, from all over the world. Our stories are varied, as is all our situations.

It seems like you might need to back up/off a bit - your SO can parent just fine - you can take time to do your own thing. I struggle with this too, and have decided that I do not need to do as much as I do. That I need time to do my own thing. If you are feeling overwhelmed, take some time away. This helps me a bunch.

Welcome to the site!

You sound like a really nice fellow who has been plunged into step life and unsurprisingly, it's a shock to the system! It was to me, and I'd raised my own girls to late teens before becoming a step mother. As you say, it is a thankless job. I would suggest that you don't put your own needs on the back burner - us step parents have a right to some space for ourselves and our needs, as well as the rest of the family. Not doing so will in the long run, cause resentment, disillusionment and make us question whether we want to be in the relationship at all.

If you are anything like me (and it sounds like you might be having lived on your own for 20 yrs) you may be a person who needs me time, quiet time, whatever and if you do you should ask and insist on it. You do not have to make yourself available to partner and step kids every moment of the day. Good luck!