Personally, I'd leave him. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my book. I don't have any tolerance for cheating. None. You cheat, you're gone. Period!

I have never been in the position you're in, as a woman trying to decide whether or not to continue the relationship. I know myself well enough to know that I would make myself & the cheating partner miserable for life if I were to make the attempt. I have been cheated on. I have never considered taking a cheater back. I'm not saying that people can't realize a mistake & make things right. I'm saying that any time he were late coming home, any time we received a "wrong number" call, any time ANYTHING out of the ordinary happened in our home, I would be suspicious.

Do you feel like you can truly forgive & put this aside, knowing that he will still be seeing his ex-wife on a regular basis while the 2 of you live apart?

I guess I'm not the one to offer advice, as I would see no possibility to be able to work through something like that myself. I do want to tell you, however, that I'm very sorry for you having to deal with something so hurtful.

Apparently one time sex after divorce (or more in some cases where parties are single) is common. Why did he feel compelled to tell you about it? It no doubt reinforced that they were over in his mind.

Post I found:
Sex with an ex sometimes is a way to put closure on things. If the breakup was bad and there was a lot of "stuff" going on during the divorce, you don't get to say goodbye really. You get the divorce, sign papers and are left to deal with your emotions, the anger, the sadness etc. and the person that was in your life is suddenly just "gone." Eventually you do remember the love you shared with that person and over time you may or may not wish for time just once more with that person to talk and "settle" things and leave on a positive note. Those talks are usually "going down memory lane" talks with all the fun, happy stuff you did. The good feelings can lead to "stolen" or "sudden" kisses and all the way up to sex if you let it. Usually though, ex sex is just getting caught up in the moment. Once it's over the pair realize that their lives are different, there's no going back and they can part on better terms than when they divorced. If it continues after that, then they need to seek counseling.

If you want to stay with him, you need to forgive him and trust that it won't happen again. He needs to do his part to reassure you that it won't. People make mistakes and divorce brings out all kinds of ugliness.

Hmmm. Some of you are very harsh. I don't like cheaters either but it will probably never happen again! Haven't any of you ever had sex and regretted it? It will depend on the character of the man. I don't believe once a cheater...there are many reasons for cheating, and while some people are chronic philanderers, many are not.

And don't forget, he told her! She didn't catch him. And after a year almost. He must have felt really guilty. One common trait of philanders is they don't tell! They lie too.

it was month into your relationship and you've been together for a year...I'm sitting on the fence. On one hand when the relationship is new, the heavy commitment isn't there. But then again...once a cheater always a cheater. I suppose it was 11mo. ago, do you trust him? That's the real question.

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater either. I'll admit I cheated on someone I loved dearly in high school. The sickness & pain I felt when I saw the pain I'd caused him is something I'll never forget. It did change me, & it made me decide I will never do that to anyone again. There are some who never learn to love deeply enough to feel the pain when they hurt another person. They are the ones who continue.

That said, I wouldn't have expected that person to take me back or to give me another chance. We both moved on to new relationships & I just had to carry what I learned from the experience with me as I moved forward. Sometimes it takes losing something/someone dear to your heart to really learn a lesson.

Honestly, I think this more depends on your expectations on/position in the "relationship" after only one month. While Dh and I were dating, until we both decided "this is the one," we were both dating other people. So would I consider him sleeping with another woman cheating? No. In fact, he was sleeping with another woman when I met him and we dated casually (I wasn't sleeping with him) until he broke it off with her. So I'm sure it hits hard since it was the ex-wife, but I guess I would move on from this.

Yes to the last posters...same here, it's not so much the sleeping w/someone else after a month (too early for comittment IMO), I also don't agree with once a cheater always a cheater.

It's the fact that it was with his ex wife...and only 11 months ago-THAT IMO is not enough time to think about marrying someone else and could signify old feelings still. I would not be comfortable with that at all.

I know my bf felt the same way after he and his ex split that I did with my exh-no WAY we would sleep with them. That makes me nervous and uncomfortable.
Not to mention the long distance relationship thing-which IMO is not worth it and almost impossible to maintain.

So-you have several things against you here!!

A long distance relationship-which I from personal experience strongly discourge for anyone-even MORE so for single parents!! I guess it's only 100 miles-but IMO with so many people closer to us I think it's almost selfish/irresponsible to get involved w/someone far away because if you do work out-the kids who didn't ask to be born, didn't ask for the divorce, then have to deal w/losing one parent being close, time w/one of the parents, and much added stress. Possible uprooting, change of community-etc...I think honestly it's adding extra heaps of difficulty and change of structure to a child-especially one from divorce. From a moral standpoint I urge single parents to NOT date or marry long distance and to think of their kids not only themselves.
i've seen repercussions...I exited such relationship myself because of it also-not only for my kids sakes but his daughters sakes as well.

Then, the fact that it's only 11 mo since he last slept w/his ex-wife, he obviously hasn't had enough time to get over his feelings entirely and in typical guy fashion moving way too quick to want to remarry after divorce. All big fat warning signs...I smell heartache big time.

Honey, be careful here. You say now that you 2 were in a loving and physical relationship - and then he slept with her? Big, powerful words there..loving and physical.

When I met my husband, he immediately told me about how horrible and deceitful his ex wife was. How she tried to ruin any kind of life he had begun to have after their separation/divorce. In one month's time he and I had also began a loving and physical relationship. We saw each other on weekends only. If he had slept with his ex wife, I would not be with him today. I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole. She is disgusting and a piece of trash.

I feel if a man is making the effort to have a new relationship with a new lady, he doesn't keep the old one alive by sleeping with the very woman he is no longer with.

I would not want each and every time the BM came into my view or hearing distance to be reminded of what he did.

I was cheated on in my first marriage and more than once. Like an idiot I listened to his sob stories and how he was weak...I was made to feel I deserved his cheating and that he was only human and humans make mistakes. You cheat once - you are made WELL aware of what you stand to lose. You cheat again - you're an idiot because you are now feeling you're entitled.

With my ex, once a cheater always a cheater. He never stopped until I left him and then he went into shock over not being able to get away with murder. Not saying your BF would be this way - I'm just saying it could happen.

At any given time, this woman could use this fling against him. You'll have no ammunition to fight it because he's admitted to it. You have to ask yourself if you can handle any action she may take on it because there is absolutely nothing you can do to change what he's done. If she's like most BMs she'll try to find a deceitful way to get back at either him or you and wow! does she have a doozy. A fling between them to bring up is a hard pill to swallow knowing she may bring it up whenever she damn well feels like it.

If it was our BM? She'd have Christmas cards made up to announce it.

Take care of yourself..you do not deserve this sort of treatment.

It occurred to me that if he had 3 kids with his ex-wife, there was some kind of significant life and attachment there at one point. Maybe after being with you for a month, he realized that he was really looking at leaving that old life behind, and considering moving on with a new person--you.

But part of his brain--a stupid part, granted--wanted to be "sure." So he slept with her one last time and realized there was nothing there, that he wanted to be with you. And, in fact, you have been with him ever since then and he wants to marry you.

I know it could easily look--and maybe it's the case--like he couldn't make up his mind. But I think the opposite might be true as well. He wanted to make absolutely sure of what he was doing, and clearly that one time pushed him into moving ahead with you.

You need to make up your own mind, but it might be worth thinking about it from this perspective.

How long was he divorced from his wife before beginning to date you?

I have been through something similar. I will try to relate my experience.

Six months after I fell in love with my now husband I found an email. I wasn't looking at his emails - I never have and I never will. If I have to do that, we are in big trouble. Anyway, he was reading his emails next to me in bed and I noticed it over his shoulder. I asked what it was. It was almost like I needed to be "shown". He opened the email and something broke inside me. Sometimes when things break, they can never be fully repaired and we have to learn to live with it peacefully.

The email was to his wife (they were separated two years earlier at that time but not yet divorced and as I now know, there was a lot of going backwards and forwards during those two years). It was about a dinner they had together the night before, how old feelings were stirred blah blah and that they were both excited about trying again to live together. The date on the email was a month after he had met me. He didn't sleep with her I don't think but it was devastating all the same. In some ways it's worse than if it had been just a physical thing.

BTW - I agree - the thought of sleeping with my exH makes me want to throw up. That's how I know it's finished with my ex. It isn't finished and over if a couple can still do that or if they still fight and argue. New relationships are almost always rebound relationships in that situation. I lived for a long time with the fear that our relationship is rebound and that when he is completely over his ex wife, we will be finished too. Sometimes it still comes back.

I will always remember the day I read that email. The truth came out after that. I asked him when I met him that there was no one who could be hurt by us getting together. I asked several times because it was very important to me that I not cause any harm to an innocent person by my actions. He assured me over and over he was free. That lie is what I find difficult to deal with even now. He says he doesn't know why he lied but that he was scared to lose me.

Before that, every time I asked about his ex (as she is now), he would try to avoid the subject. I thought it was a good sign that he was over her totally but I now know it is a bad sign. IMO there should be no reason why someone can't talk openly about an ex - I don't mean private stuff - I mean basics like where they come from, what they do...etc.

Anyhow I am rambling. I didn't have the courage to leave him that day. I was very vulnerable (a few days after breast cancer surgery). I stayed and we tried to work it through but it keeps coming back. Every time he goes to kids sports and she is there I wonder if he still has stirring feelings. Every time. Two years later we are married and it is still there. He must be sick of it too - my insecurity. I am.

Also, part of what we have to deal with is that it wasn't fair to her either. He gave her ammunition. She is now his victim. Her reaction to me and to us has been furiously hurtful and damaging - the worst damage is to the children. And in a way it is justified. In a way he feels guilty. In that situation, she has even more power to comletely ruin our life. He can't stand up to her so easily if he knows he "caused" some of her pain.

Saying all that, I love my husband and I think basically he is a good man. Misguided, weak and imperfect like most humans but I love him. I have been in some awful relationships and this isn't awful at all. Despite all this he is worth every moment.

Slowly we are building our life together. Sometimes it is hard sometimes it is easy. I trust him. I also think he was manipulated very badly by his ex for many years. She played with him like a cat with a mouse. I think he sees that too now. She tried to get him interested everytime she sensed he was moving on. She needed him under her influence. Her anger now is because he is not interested in her at all. She can't stand it that he doesn't worship at her alter of beauty. He adored her. She knows that. She used it against him. She cheated on him while she was playing with him.

In the end it is up to you. Even though most people would read this and think I was a twit for staying, I believe I made the right decision and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Perhaps it was weak of me to stay. So what? If anyone is perfect good. Im not. There was something so wonderful between us - I decided to try. Once he made a committment to me in his mind, I believe he has been completely faithful. And he has shown me he is patient and understanding with me about it. He never gets defensive and is very supportive.

I wrote this so you might get some idea of the future stuff that comes up to help you make your decision. You will find the answer if you look inside and listen...:)

I have to say when I read your story, I dropped my phone! I knew I didn't post it. But, there was my story just the same!
Scary, so with that said. I wanted to share with you how I have coped with the love of my life having what I now, almost two years later, refer to as his slip up.
We had been together a month when it happened, four months when I found out. His ex felt it necessary to tell me during a drop off.
I was devastated! Heartbroken and wanted to run and never stop. Physically sick for weeks on end, every time I saw her or thought of them together I would vomit.
We had a LOT of long talks, filled with tears and apologies. He could not understand why he did it. And I couldn't for the life of me understand either. She is, and I say this because it is true, not because I hate the air she breaths, not 1/10 as attractive as I am. She is extremely over weight, I am not. She is in every way inferior to me. My fiance agrees with me on every point. She trapped him into becoming a father when he did not want children. She was, I know it sounds horrible, just someone he was sleeping with, because their was nothing to do that night! He was told she was on the pill, and all of a sudden, she's pregnant! My fiance is a very attractive man. She figured the only way to keep him, was with a baby. And it worked, for a while.
That is also how she got him to her house that miserable day, she used her kids!
I honestly believe he will never hurt me that way again. So, you have to ask him, and yourself A LOT of tough questions. If you get the feeling he is not totally honest then let him know he has a choice to make, he has to be wholly honest, tell you everything you need and want to know, or you can't or won't continue the relationship.
The best advice I can give you is, if you are going to forgive him, forgive him with your whole heart. And let it go. Don't hold onto it for a bad argument, then throw it in his face again and again. If he is anything like my fiance he honestly regrets it. And would like to forget it as much as you would.
It gets easier over time, and now its a distant memory for both of us. What I did do though, is cut the communication between the two of them. Bm speaks only to me. And I relay the message. Then get back to her via text. I pick up and drop off the girls in a neutral place when they come for visits.
She was not happy with it at first, but, she made her bed, now she can lay in it! I make the rules now not her, and that makes her crazy. But, on the flip side, it makes ME very happy.
Good Luck! And I'm so sorry someone else has to go through what I did.

let me share my story about this kind of situation. My husband who I was just dating at the time moved in with me. It was October and We had been together about 8 months at this point. He had been separated from his ex for 9 months. I was doing some homework on the computer one day and I started looking around. I found a folder of photos of him and his ex having sex. I was a little mad that he still had them on his computer, but i was even more irate when i looked at the date of the photos and put two and two together. We got together in February and he sent me the most beautiful flowers for valentine's day. The photos were dated 2 days after valentine's day. He had the nerve to sleep with his ex, while in a new relationship with me, 2 days after valentine's day, and he even took photos. I had asked him repeatedly from the time we got together if he had slept with her, and he always said no. Always said how repulsed by her he was. And then I find these photos.

I was so mad. I called him at work right at that moment and asked what the hell was going on. He told me we would talk about it when he got home. When he got home I showed him what I found. I asked him how could he do this to me. He tried to explain that he had gone over to her house to bring the kids back. She started to seduce him and the rest is history. I asked why he decided the only time to take photos of sex was this one time. He said that she pressured him in to it. I asked why there were photos of a certain act he didn't like and he said she pressured him in to it. He couldn't really explain why he did what he did. All he kept saying was that he was truly sorry and that he was with me now and that if i wanted out of the relationship he understood. I took a few days to think about things. I talked with my best friend and my mom about it all. I finally realized that we had been together for 8 months since the act happened, that i would delete the photos and try to forgive him. we both deleted them together. I told him that I love him and want to trust him but that it would take me a long time to get over it.

It's been almost two years since it happened and we are as happy as ever. The first year on valentine's day was hard cause all i could think about was those photos. I can't remember what they looked like anymore. I have full trust in him. I know that what happened is in the past. It happened one month after he left. He has since proved that I can trust him 100%.

My advice would be to talk with him. Ask him to tell you the truth and the whole truth about any and everything he thinks you would be upset about. Tell him that if he doesn't and you end up finding out about it later on in the relationship, you two will be done. This has helped with my relationship. My husband knows to tell me anything he thinks will upset me, even if it does. It's better to be upset right away than to find out later on and be even more upset. Next you have to forgive and forget. You have to forgive him with 100%. You have to throw it out of your mind. I know it's easier said than done, but it gets easier with time. And it will take a while to be able to forget about it.

It's obvious he loves you and wants to be with you as he has proposed and is willing to move to be with you. Smile at the fact that you are with him and she is not. She probably wants to be with him, but she will never again be with him. After I found the photos any time they would talk on the phone I would make sure I was there listening to what was going on, eventually I didn't have to do that anymore. I could see that he detested her and only dealt with her when it had to do with the kids.

My heart feels for you as I know what it is like. If you truly love him and want it to work, you will find a way

Wow. This is almost exactly my story but with a twist. My H and I dated for about 5 years before we got engaged. We started dating immediately after his divorce was finalized. After 8 months into our relationship he moved about an hour away to be closer to his 2 kids. Our relationship was very strained during this time and we both made mistakes that neither one of us talked about.

It was like this for about 6 months before he moved back. After this our relationship was stronger than ever, even when he was transferred to another office an hour and a half away a year later. Our relationship actually strengthened during this time and we eventually got engaged. After we were engaged and begain planning our wedding, he told me he had to talk to me. He told me that when he moved away the first time he cheated on me with his ex. He said it only happened a couple of times, but, here's the shocker, she got pregnant. He had recently taken a paternity test and found out the child was in fact his. The kid was four years old and I had no idea.

We went ahead with the wedding but it took alot for me to accept that this happened a long time ago. I honestly would have probably accepted it alot easier if there wasn't a constant symbol of that act in our home every other weekend. I still sometimes feel like I was trapped. Like he waited until I had fallen head over heels in love with him and waited until we were already engaged and waited until we had already announced our engagement to the world before telling me this thing that should have made me run. If you can't accept it and if you have only been together for a year I say run. This is no way to live.

That is my worst fear! I am sorry he did that to you.....

That is why these situations are so hard. The ex is always there, always lingering. You know their history together. You know the ex does not have your best intentions no matter how fake nice they may seem to your face. It is them being fake so you let your guard down with them. Exes are snakes in the grass and your signifciant other is always going to be weak to that and  be too conflicated to be loyal to you because they share children together. Move forward at your own risk.

Dont do it! You will 100% regret moving forward with this relationship!