my girlfriend doesn't want her own kids
My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years this coming May. She has had two awesome boys (2 and 4) with her ex husband (who is now deceased). Both boys are absolutely adorable, well mannered and well behaived. We get compliments from everyone everywhere we go, we have raised them very well. For all intents and purposes i am their daddy, they both know me as such. But the issue is not with them it's whith their mom. I don't really know how to put this except, "she doesn't want to be a mom." She loves her kids and doessn't want to give them up per se. But she just doesn't want to do the work that goes into taking care of children, she does take care of them but she doesn't want to. This issue came up once before about a year ago and i thought maybe it was because she married and had kids so young. Or maybe they just remind her of what a crappy husband and father their donor was. But i dont think it's any of those things. I really think she thought she was cut out to be a mom. I'm really stuck in a hard place. Please do not be judgemental but ANY advice would be accepted and greatly appreciated.
Do YOU want kids of your own?
Do YOU want kids of your own? If so, I think it's time you did some deep soul searching here. Three years is a lot of time to invest in a relationship, but you don't want to spend even more if it's not right for you. Even if you do have children together, it sounds like you'll end up being the only parent they have. From what you've said, she doesn't seem all that interested in the ones she's got. I hope that doesn't sound harsh.
When this first came up that
When this first came up that was one of the things i came to her about. There was alot of arguing fighting and crying.... When i first came into the picture she and her then husband where letting her family take over with raising the oldest. She was in bussiness school and he was just lazy and did nothing. After all the fighting she finally got it and her actions have changed but her feeling are the same. She talked once about finding someone who wants to care for them, we both love them very much but, it isn't fair for them to grow up in a situation like this. We are not married and they are not legally mine. And i can't tell her that her feellings are wrong. I grew up in a home away from my mom because she also couldn't take better care of me and it was the best thing she could've done for me. I just dont know how to help.
You've been together for
You've been together for three years....but her son by another man is only 2?
We didn't know she was
We didn't know she was pregnant until right after we got together.we got together
I would suggest that you do
I would suggest that you do some soul searching. If you really feel like these kids' Dad, given that their bioDad is dead, consider adopting them. Then, when she decides she really has had enough, you will be secure *legally* as their parent.
Lucky kids to have you.
Her parents where extremely
Her parents where extremely strict with her but not her brother. She was basically the good one who waited on her parents hand and foot even as an adult. I've witness first hand the overbearring, verbal abuse. While her brother is one of those kids you are talking about. She doesn't do drugs, she works hard, we take care of our family. She just doesnt want to be a mom, i don't know how else to explain it.
I sent you a pm, I hope you
I sent you a pm, I hope you got it. I had a very similar upbringing. Both my parents, after their divorce, married spouses with very dominant personalities, and I was the cook, maid, and nanny in both households. Please, continue to support your gf as best you can. She may be suffering from long term, severe depression that she isn't even aware of because, at this point in time, she's just accepted that feeling this way must be normal and how everyone feels. She is burnt out as a care-taker; she obviously knows how to do it and is seemingly doing a good job of it, but she is tired from it. Therapy may help.
I see many tragedies in this situation, but ultimately you're going to have to decide how important it is to you that you have children of your own. If it is very high on your priorities list, this is sadly not the relationship for you. If you can be happy being daddy to her two sons without bios of your own despite your wife's feelings, then I would encourage you to daily encourage her, which will be a balancing act.
Thank you, that's helpful.
Thank you, that's helpful.