My life is about to change.

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DH is about a week away from getting joint custody (and a sharp increase in visitation). Our lawyer says we have been 100% in compliance with cs and all court orders and there is no reason DH won't get it.

BM has fought to maintain full custody for years. She told the court she wanted DH to get a psych eval, he did and passed it. Then she wanted a home study, he had a home study and it was fine. Then she wanted drug testing, he had all clean drug tests. Each time they went back to court she would accuse him of something new to try to prove him "unfit."

BM's favorite line is that I am "an idiot" so I used her insults as motivation to find the best attorney and put an end to her disruption and madness. I did just that.

We expect a full on tantrum when BM has to give up "control" and share decisions making and time. I wouldn't be surprised if she throws herself on the ground and sobs in the court room.

I am happy my DH will finally have a chance to have input and be more of a father because he deserves that. At the same time I realize my life will change because the skids will be around far more often.

I need to prepare. I enjoy them, they are very good kids, but kids go through phases and change as they get older and I know it can't and won't always be smooth sailing.

I want to make sure the skids know that there will be more rules and expectations as far as keeping track of their belongings and respecting my household. We have a major issue with BM taking fits about clothes (very occasionally an item will be left behind.) Skids have an entire wardrobe ready for them at our home, I was thinking maybe have them take off all items from BMs house and place them in a labeled basket when they come for their 3 night stays? Is that a little much?

I told DH he is going to be doing the parenting, I am going to continue to redirect the kids to him when they ask permission for something, and I have no interest in discipline... but his "laid back" ways are going to bother me, I can see it already. I am not a parent. I love kids in measured doses. I love animals more than kids because they don't talk. I feel terrible for my pets having their home, their sanctuary, disrupted by the skids (sorry if that sounds awful). I love quiet, relaxing nights with a big glass of wine and a bubble bath. When SD is over she likes to stand outside the door and ask me questions while I take a bath (she is extremely cute, I must admit). There will be much less of that with 2 kids under 10 in our small house............

Step parents who gained more time with skids over the course of their marriage... how much of a shock to your system was it? What advice can you give me on preserving my marriage, my sense of self and my sanity... while helping DH to provide a warm and stable environment for 2 kids who unfortunately have had a lot of disruption and drama in their young lives.

I worry that DH will be

I worry that DH will be "disney dad" because he will be so thrilled to finally have his kids. I catch him just basking in the glory of being the "fun parent" sometimes and I want to shake him and remind him that it cannot and will not last. More custody means more parenting.

I will not be the "bad guy" or rule enforcer. I will flee my own home when they are around if he cannot step up to the plate. We have a good relationship and as it stands now we get along very well when we have the skids with us, I do believe we make a good team and compliment one another. I just want him to realize that I will not be "mom" to kids he had with another woman. The idea of it disgusts me. I can wear the "mom" hat at times, I believe as step parents we all wear our parent hat on occasion, but it is crucial I can take the damn hat off and go back to being me.

It was a big shock. I went

It was a big shock. I went from zero to full time SDad on my wedding night. My bride had full physical and legal custody since SS-23 was born (until he turned 18 and aged out of the CO). We met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. Not exactly the increase in Skid time you asked about I know but zero to full time was a notable change.

I would suggest that you and DH sit down and outline your household/family rules including acceptable behavior and when the Skids show up you review the rules with them and begin immediate enforcement. Your lack of interest in parenting and discipline though understandable is unrealistic in my opinion. You and DH are equity life partners and that makes you an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.

Since it sounds as if DH is more lenient on kid behavior/etc….. it is likely that you will have to take an active role in enforcing the household rules. It is far easier to be firmly in charge at the beginning than it is to have to assume control after not being a firm participant for an extended period of time. It is easier to start firm and loosen up than it is to start loose and then have to get firm. Starting with well-defined and enforced rules will also make it easier for you to manage the status of the home for your pets as well as for the Skids.

Taking control and hiring a shark attorney was exactly the right move to make IMHO. Never, and I do mean never, let BM out from under your thumb. My bride struggled with my Skid’s toxic Sperm Clan until we met and married and even for a reasonably short while after we married. Until I put my foot down and insisted that she quit being their victim and take control. We also found a shark attorney that we gladly paid to hand them their idiot asses any time they twitched out of compliance with the Custody/Visitation/Support CO. My bride wanted to stick with her spineless but nice attorney who loved billing us for hours of tear filled heartbroken telephone calls from my bride lamenting the crap that the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan were putting her though. I insisted and found the killer attorney. That was the best move I have ever made as far as navigating the blended family adventure is concerned.

Even after we handed their asses my bride would periodically think that they had come to their senses and back off. They would immediately become a PITA each time she got nice. For the last 9ish years of the CO she/we kept them pummeled into submission and tolerated no crap from them.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Thank you for this fantastic

Thank you for this fantastic advice. I hear a lot of mixed reviews on step parenting. Some people think it is best to be unified as "parents of the house" some think the step parent's best bet is too totally stay out of it.

Ideally, we will feel like a family unit and I will be respected.

Our lawyer is definitely a shark. DH represented himself pro se for a long time and was sucked dry financially and emotionally. In a few short months we have had such a turnaround it is unreal. Best money we ever spent...

Hi: Every step thinks they

Hi:

Every step thinks they can "stay out" of the parenting and the enforcing, but in reality, it doesn't work that way. I was super naive in this realm, and I had your same thought process. My STBX husband was a spineless twat and left me to deal with the SD teenage insolence, lying and disrespect. If your DH is far more lenient than you, it will drive you batshit crazy and you WILL get involved. This behaviour destroyed my marriage. Please, this is not something you want.

People here spoke of parenting classes. You should check this out. If I could go back 10 years, I would have done this. I would not have been so naive and think, "oh, this will be fine, this will be no problem, i can handle it".

As Rags says, you and the DH need to have your rules hammered out before they step foot in the house. Be on the same page. Support each other. Otherwise you will be back on this page going nuts, or in jail for killing the little monster

Thank you for this fantastic

Ideally, we will feel like a family unit and I will be respected.

In our house it was sort of

In our house it was sort of the "co-parent" route. I am not the kind of person who can stand by while the kids do something like make a huge mess and not tell them to clean it up. I'm not waiting for daddy to come home and I am not going to be afraid to correct someone who is doing something wrong in my home. My DH is definitely a more laid back avoid confrontation kind of guy. I'm not saying I would go around "yelling" at the kids but if they needed to clean their room or make their bed etc.. I would tell them to do it and not go ask DH to pass on the message.

The issue of the BM.. yeah.. it probably won't be any easier in fact probably more difficult with you sharing more time with the kids. My DH's Ex was really a nightmare. It was so bad that he wouldn't even call the wife to arrange pickups, he would do the messages through the girls. No.. I don't think that was fair or ideal but you have no idea how much of a raging "B" she was to him. It was much simpler to have the girls to coordinate the times with the mom instead of him having to have convos with her. She seriously is unbalanced.

I know that wasn't really fair to the kids.. but since he is an avoider of conflict..that's the way it was. I think the kids missed out in some ways..but then again.. there was less yelling around them as a result.

My feeling is that as a step parent, the kids are our business. If they turn out to be addicted losers then our family will suffer for it so if I can help that not happen by trying to help raise them correctly then I should have the right to do so. Now, we didn't try to over-rule mom or anything.. but in our house, both DH and I would "parent" the kids.. that's just how it was.. no funneling it all through DH. It's my house too and I should be comfortable in it. The kids need to respect your place in the house as well.

No, you aren't "mom" but you are part of their family.. even if they didn't get to choose you.. but then again, did they get to choose their parents.. or siblings? NO.. you get what you get and you make the best of it.

Thanks for your response. I

Thanks for your response. I do feel like... this is my house and it is my family. On the other hand, BM is a lunatic and has a nervous breakdown at the idea of the kids even considering me "family" in any way, shape or form. Initially I tried to reassure her I respected her boundaries, but she isn't rational so now I know I need to ignore her entirely. forever.

That is the disconnect and the hard part, the part that scares the shit out of me, a BM working spitefully to "unravel" all the hard work we put into raising the skids together when they are with us because she can't let go of bitterness. A lot of people will tell me "who cares, ignore her" but it isn't quite that simple right now (maybe once the legal stuff settles it will be less in my face).

All of this is on my mind too often. DH can let it all go for the night and relax better than I can.

My DH's Ex and I started out

My DH's Ex and I started out ok.. I was going to be the one to get along with her. I even was mature enough to think that there are always 2 sides to every story and certainly DH had his share of blame for things not working out.

Initially it worked out ok.. in fact BM even would call ME for advice on how to get the OSD to do things. But this honeymoon phase didn't last all that long.

Their BM is a lunatic... she starts out all sweetness and light then she just goes nuts. "they are not your kids.. you have no right.. we are going back to court.. you will pay for this.. etc.." Finally, after one too many times of her calling me and bitching me out for being "involved" in her daughter's life, I let her have it and told her she was a bad mother who constantly let her kids down and you know what? We haven't had to talk since.. lol. She literally got mad because younger SD was having a problem with a teacher who forgot to post some of her grade work so she ended up with a bad grade. I wrote a nice letter (at SD and DH's request) to the teacher asking her to please see if she could review the records. They asked me because I can handle things like this without storming into the school and calling the Teacher bad names and going nuts. My poor DH once had to go get his older daughter from school because she and BM were in such a fit that they were going to call the police!

If at all possible, I would personally avoid contact with the BM. I would also let DH take the lion share of the "big parenting issues".. but he should want your input (I mean, he married you, he must think you are a smart person right? and it affects you as well). But, the day to day, assigning chores or go to your room for sassing.. that is easy.. you should be able to do that.

Of course, goes without saying, even if DH believes in corporal punishment.. do not ever lay your hands on "her" child.

But, I don't envy you. Now my SD's are almost out of the nest (one down and one almost).. and that means less interraction with the BM... but she will always be there and the kids will always have a certain amount of loyalty to her and no matter what you do, the kids almost always will not 100% appreciate that the step parents do as much as they do. Thankless job. but if you have DH love and support, the kids should respect you.

It's gonna be a rough

It's gonna be a rough transition. Not impossible and it won't always be that way, but hang on. Breathe. You already appear to have a great attitude about it all but diverting the kids to their Dad for permission. One of the biggest mistakes I made was trying to parent my step daughter.

Onward!

They are 7 and almost 10. I

They are 7 and almost 10. I also always believed it should be 50/50. I have no bio kids and I can imagine it is tough to "let them go" but at the same time, I think a little time to yourself is a great thing. BM loses her mind at the thought of releasing 100% control of those kids...

Well it's going to be a big

Well it's going to be a big change. First the mammy basket GREAT IDEA. We have a mammy drawer, kids arrive changes clothes in drawer and into daddy house clothes. Then reverse on way back to mom house. Saves a pile of hassle like clothes getting mixed, us washing what she sends down accidentally and everything stay where it belongs - you don't lose nice clean expensive clothes to the vaccum that is BM house
Next in relation to the bath could you explain to sd 'this is stepmom time and it helps me to rest after long day. Why don't you spend time with daddy/watch movie etc while I do this? ' or simply let your partner know you are taking a bath and to please keep daughter away while it is going on like others suggest. He can surely see this as reasonable to do
Further to this I suggest you have a chat with him something along the lines of ' I know you haven't had a lot of time with the kids lately. I know when they come you are laid back cause you want to have fun. But we are about to have them a lot more. And it can't be fun all the time- you will have to parent, they will have to help out with a few chores, etc. They are great kids and I want them to stay great. Your ability to step up and be a great dad will determine this- I want you to really think about what I am saying cause I know you want them to stay great and kind too' - it may help it may not but you are not there to take this on while he puts his feet up.
You say you drove to get best lawyer in town and get the kids back more. I am concerned that you are the driving force behind everything and he will expect the same with parenting and leave things to you. Just a word of caution.

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My life is about to change.