My step kids hate me!
My husband and I got married last summer. He has a 10 year old and a 12 year old. his son was his best man and his daughter was supposed to be a bridesmaid but bailed a few weeks before the wedding and has also stopped coming to the house for her weekends. I also have a four year old who lives with us all the time.
Lately it seems to be getting worse I cry all the time and I am not an emotional person. this weekend was the worst yet. I was told that I am not my step sons mother and that he doesn't need to listen to me, that I have no right to yell at him. He lost his bag and told me its my responisbility to clean his room and keep track of his stuff. he ignores me when I ask him a question but very sweet when he wants something. he has started being rude to the 4 yearold. started even being a bit of a jerk to his dad.
It was hard enough when the 12 year old wouldn't come over or spend time with her dad because of me she says. that she just doesn't like me. I may be an adult but it still hurts, when I am the one who helped fix there fathers house so they had fresh painted rooms, clean sheets the food they like.
I would buy them cloths because there mother would never let them bring anything over, but then she would slowlyhave them take anything I bought back to her house so I stopped buying them cloths, because well it cost to much.
I am just tired I am tired of the stepkids hating me. I love them I do and I would do anything for them. But if its not them mad at me its my husband is sad because things are so stressful. He suppports me now in decesions I make like no more soda its 10oclock. but he lets the kids have what ever they want when they want it. and to do whatever they want.I know he feels giulty about divorce, but he didn't leave his ex did.
I just feel exausted and want to know if there is a light at the end of the tunnel or if anyone has any helpful tips. I am new at being a parent and for sure new at being a step parent.
Read the book "Stepmonster".
Read the book "Stepmonster". It is usually due to the attitude of the BM (bio mom) and the father if it's impossible to form a relationship with SKIDS despite your best efforts. Stop bothering about whether the SKIDS like you or not. Focus on making a good relationship with your husband. It can take years or never to make a relationship with SKIDS and a lot of us settle for civility. Establish clear boundaries for yourself, refuse to be abused and leave most of the parenting to your husband. Don't treat the SKIDS like little prince and princesses.
Tell the 10 year old he is in charge of his own bag and keeping his room tidy. Stamp on any rudeness to the 4 year old. If he continues to behave unacceptably, withdraw computer and TV/mobile phone use for specific lengths of time.
If these measures don't work, consider disengaging. There is plenty of info about it on this forum. Good luck.
And also ask yourself-do you
And also ask yourself-do you REALLY love your stepkids, or are you just saying it/forcing it because you feel like you SHOULD?
Sometimes that is the first step in figuring out how to solve the problem. You don't have to love them, especially when they treat you badly. Is your husband acting as if he loves YOU, when he allows you to be treated this way?
The word love is overused a lot, I think. As I have gotten older, it seems more important to have respect and consideration than to have love.
True^^^If you secretly hate
True^^^If you secretly hate your step-kids, this is the place to admit it. Can't tell your mom, your best friend, or your neighbor that!! They just cannot understand(unless they are one of us).
I have been a step-mom for 5 years to a SD11 who has been difficult to say the least. I have been through hell because of that kid. This is what worked best for me:
I partially disengaged; her homework, her chores, her allowance, her teeth, her bedroom, her B.O.--none of that is my problem. The only thing I insist she DO is clean up after herself because I am not her personal slave.
But I didn't have to tell SD to DO something for her to be a hateful. She would simply interject with her smart remarks, walk into my kitchen and insult my cooking, ask me what time it was just so she could say, "no it's not!", etc. She stomps, slams doors, pouts, is ugly to my BD.
FINALLY, while her dad wasn't there to stop me, I told her that she would NOT disrespect me, insult me, or interrupt with her opinion. She would NOT slam doors in my daughter's face, I told her we WOULD have a peaceful household on the week that she is here for vistitation, just like we do on the week she goes home to her BM's. She cried, poor thing. I don't give a shit-I've been driven half crazy. Really, I'm on meds. She has not been disrespectful to me or my BD since.
She has been NOTHING BUT disrespectful to her dad since. So sooner or later he will probably deal with it.
I did talk to DH several times about SD's attitude, but he made excuses for her bahavior and did nothing. So I did something.
This is the worst stage. I
This is the worst stage. I have been a SM for nearly 13 years and 3 bios! I remeber this "tug of war" stage". BM's feel like WE are trying to take over in a way. and they must make it know that they are the mother. I just basically came out and said......"look I know I am not thier mother and I am not trying to be; but as long as they are in my home with thier father - they will abide by OUR rules.," period!!
And this is when dad needs to grow a pair and agree! As long as you 2 make it known that her Bullsh*** won't fly in your house then she'll eventually shut up.......
Currently we have SD14 Fulltime and have for the past 2 years!! BM doesn't even come around anymore!
Keep your head up and don't let some other women control you or those kids!
Thank you all for your advice
Thank you all for your advice and input! I will read the reccomended books, and keep reading some of the pots on here. I will keep you all poted on our families progress. Thank you again.
found the light?
I'd be interested to know if you found the light finally. I'm right into that stage and added to the fact I'm pregnant atm, I'm losing the plot. Sometimes I just consider leaving and leaving to trace, just to have peace. I don't see how the situation could get any better and I just regret marrying my husband now
I hate my stepkids in the UK.
I hate my stepkids in the UK.. ..
Why does your ball less DH
Why does your ball less DH allow a 10yo or 12yo to avoid visitation? He needs to nail BM with a contempt motion each and every time she fails to deliver the Skids on time for visitation.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
As for the crappy behavior towards you... get a paddle and light up some rude kid ass in your home. BM has shit for nothing she can say or do about effective discipline in your home.
Pain is a great motivator for compliance to reasonable standards of behavior. 10-12yo is an optimal paddle to ass age to drive them to clarity. As for cleaning up their crap... clean it up by tossing in a trash bag and putting it on the curb. Including the SS's bag. Once their shit has all be thrown away... start tuning them to the fact that they and they alone will be responsible for caring for their crap and cleaning up after themselves. If htey get on it and don't make a mess, they get a tolerable life. If they don't bring an escalating state of misery to their lives and let them suffer. Keep escalating the suffering until they gain clarity.