Need Advice on how to say things "properly" to SD - so DH won't scream at me

Forums:

I have decided to confront SD14 about some things.

1st - I don't like how she steal things from BD12 - her clothes her makeup, etc......she takes whatever she wants and tells SD she doesn't have it then I find it in her room.

2nd - she got caught stealing makeup and DH gave it to me; then she stole it out of my makeup...(I found it in her room)

3rd - her attitude is just downright MEAN. she acts like we all owe her something and she knows DH has her back!

The list is endless of the amount of stuff she does; and my problem isn't about all of that; I have learned my place in my house and DH has made it clear SD rules.......(I am saving up to get out). But my problem is when she is doing stuff to MY daughter; stealing from her; and basically telling her stuff about Sex (she talks like a complete pig) you all would be shocked! I won't go into detail.......

I just need some advice on how to say things w/o fighting. I know some SM on here are like me that tiptoe around SK....and some say what they mean. Looking for some insight

She sounds just like my SD.

She sounds just like my SD. Look up Reactive Attachment Disorder and see if it fits.

I say whatever I want to my SD and my husband has learned not to cross me. So I might not have the best advice. Perhaps sit down with him first and tell him about your concerns and then the two of you decide what to tell her. Then sit SD down and BOTH of you talk to her so she sees her dad is backing you up.

Good luck! I know how stressful dealing with that crap is and I can't take much more of it myself.

I used to say what I wanted

I used to say what I wanted to my SD. When things were so ugly I stopped holding back. She didn't deserve my restraint anymore...You need to put a keyed lock on your door and your BD's. This is ridiculous...

I agree with the key. I'm

I agree with the key.

I'm pretty nonconfrontational but I would take extreme measures to guard my items and my daughters. I would make sure they aren't alone to curb the trash talk.

If iI went into SD room I would take dh with me so he sees that she is taking. I'm not sure why he gave you stolen makeup. He should have made her return it to the store. Or he should have.

My DH says that when I feel

My DH says that when I feel like my kids are being threatened in any way,I turn into a werewolf, complete with fangs, claws and hair on the backs of my hands! Sooo- IMHO you need to find your inner werewolf. I mean, what have you got to lose? You've already started your exit plan.Here's what I would do w/ your stated problems-1st: Buy dd cheap plastic strong boxes and locks for her valueables. Have her hide her nicer clothes in the trunk of your car.2nd: ditto for your stuff.3rd:Meet her shitty atittude w/ a contemptuos blank stare or joke behind her back ( but within earshot) w/dd about what a bitch she is.When she talks about sex or inappropriate things tell her sweetly that boys don't like desperate weirdos.If Dh blows up? TS! Give him a sweet blank stare. Then go about your business with a light heart. Hope this helps. Good luck and God bless.

^^^^^^^^^^^^ LIKE ^^^^^^^^^^

Agree you need to start about

Agree you need to start about ways to protect you and your DD, this in turn will make you feel better as you wont be stressing about certain elements, so e.g. put a lock on DD's room without DH knowing, get your family/friend to do it if you cant and dont lie about why you are doing this, then store your stuff in DD's room and put a lock on your own door. This is an intermin measure if you are planning on leaving.

I would DEFINATELY tell DH, really calmly and pleasantly that you arent going to put up sd's attitude anymore. I would pick a moment, when things are chilled out to say this. I know I did when I had a chat with my own DH. Tell him, he has made his choice in life when it comes to how he deals with his daughter so now you are making your choice. Its your right. Either HE deals with her more or alternatively dont whinge when you intercede because you, unlike him, have given him fair warning about this. Then do it.

If DH decides to go ape on you when you tell him this nicely, then walk away and let him. Its unlikely he will step up, so he will probably decide to fall back on his usual methods of trying to blackmail you into shutting you and doing what you usually do. So I am guessing, shouting, giving you silent treatment, guilting you, threatening you or dd (not necessarily physically but perhaps - well I will treat DD like that too then...). Dont say anything to him, when he does this. Walk away. Dont engage. You dont HAVE to argue with him, because whats the point? You cant reason with him. All you end up doing is defending yourself...and for what exactly? YOU havent done or are doing anything wrong except standing up against the bullying going on - your DH and sd are bullies - so quit giving him the opportunity to argue and call you things. Who cares what a crap parent and husband thinks? Hes not one to judge. Hand him a mirror to scream at.

Hell if you get silent treatment, at least you dont have to pretend you are ok with everything and put a smile on your face. You will get peace from him and ensure you make plans for you and DD (while ensuring you put things sd may retaliate against and DH may allow out of spite in DD's locked room). Go have some fun.

Then when sd does stuff, treat her exactly the same and remind her that you treat others as you would wish to be treated. So if she is gross, tell her that and get DD to leave the room to do something fun. sd isnt invited and it will kill her. If shes rude and demands something from you, ignore her and say "sorry think I can hear an annoying bug buzzing....". How would you treat an adult who acts like this? Well implement that, but professionally and calmly. Dont lose your temper, shout or swear. Just be distainful, take the moral high ground and put her in her place!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Agree you need to start about

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Completely agree. Give him

Completely agree. Give him the opportunity to handle it and if he doesn't then go at it.

I kept giving DH the opportunity to handle the things SD15 did. I waited and waited. I felt like this huge tattletale, since I didn't punish his kids and he wasn't to punish mine. So my frustration got worse and worse, until I snapped and it was over silverware...Long story, but needless to say, I lost it on her. Later my girlfriend pointed out to me, that she was doing it on purpose and I had been just taking it and taking it. That helped me feel less guilty for losing it. But, honestly it was DH's fault since he didn't call her out on the small stuff I had been pointing out. So it was a small thing that I lost it on. For me it felt great. It did get better after that because DH started stepping up. But, it was too late for SD she wanted to live with mom...Worked out fine for me, way less drama now.

I agree.......in a way I am

I agree.......in a way I am scared of DH; he makes it KNOWN to SD that what I say doesn't matter and he is loud about it; says I always complain and nothing SD is ever good enough; and I am bieng mean........then in the same breath he says what a good mom I am and is always uptalking me to others.....so what is it....I'm not good enough for SD??

I asked it like that because - I personally think I say things the right way and come across MUCH sweeter then I talk to my own kids (he listens to how I talk to SD) because I want to be able to say I did it all right and took all the right steps......it's almost like I have to record what I say........I really think this is the cause of my headaches.......DH just wont admit the amount of trouble SD has caused; he just wont see how much she lies......I know my kids aren't angels; but I will step up to the plate and accept and change it!

OMG - if I put a lock on SD door......DH would flip his LID - No I mean go nutz!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :jawdrop:

If you are saving to "get

If you are saving to "get out", are you not telling DH that you are planning to leave?
Isn't that the biggest thing that is going on, that you already feel done with it?

He knows.......a couple

He knows.......a couple months earlier I told him that I cannot take living in "their" house and I am sick of DH always putting my last. I have fought for DH from his SD to his mother! I am sick of always having to fight for him; while he does nothing

So what if he goes nuts? He

So what if he goes nuts? He is not dealing with it, so you are. He doesn't want you to talk to her, so instead you are going to lock up your stuff instead of going nuts on her. It is better to do something before she steals something that you can't replace...

Stand up for yourself and at the very least your daughter.

I'll say it again- these dads

I'll say it again- these dads aren't doing these girls any favors. How are they going to deal with the real world? I mean, life is wonderful, and I'm generally optomistic, but when you're out working, raising kids and living your life no one is looking out 24/7 for your feefees. And Hbell, I wasn't saying lock up SD's room, just lock up your's and DD's stuff. I think the strongboxes are the best way to go because you can get them into your house w/out DH even knowing, then the next time sticky fingers does her thing she'll be met with a locked box. And if she's NOT stealing or snooping (fat chance) she'll never have a reason to know your stuff is locked up. You can get the boxes at walmart and the key locks at the dollar store. Then put all yours and DD good clothes in the trunk of your car. And store the lockboxes under your beds. Preferably with mousetraps taped to the lids! }:)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I'm going to get mousetraps!! I'll know to stick a chopstick in the drawers before I look for stuff. Anyone else looking through my stuff will get SORE STICKY FINGERS!!

I don't know what your time

I don't know what your time scale is for "saving up to get out" but if it is only a matter of months, then I would not bother confronting SD at all. Just concentrate on damage reduction until the time you can execute your leaving plan. Keep your precious stuff, and your daughter's locked in a box - your DH does not even need to know about this, it can be in a wardrobe or something.
Tell your BD that any time the SD talks inappropriately about sex, she should come to you and discuss it with you - this way you can counter any horrible stuff she says with something more sensible.

I know it has a lot to do w/

I know it has a lot to do w/ just being a teenager....I guess my point here is that I know everything she does b4 she does it; I know when she is lying; I know she spoon feeds her daddy w/ what he wants to hear........My BD knows she better not lie to me; she knows not to steal; because she would have to deal with ME! I am not saying I ground her and beat her! I am just saying I don't hesitate to get in my kids faces and yell at them! They WILL show respect; but If I were to do that to precious princess....OMG - I would probably homeless.........

I think I am just going to go in her room take mine and BD things put them away and then ask SD about them; catch her in her lie when she says I have no idea what you are talking about.....like she does......then I can pull them out - and follow up w/ her staying out of our rooms...in front of DH!

Thanks for the opinions and advice....you helped me see that I AM a PERSON too.....sometimes I need that

Go one more. Take all the

Go one more.

Take all the makeup, cosmetics, clothes and whatever else she has been helping herself to and dump it in her room.

Tell her she has 12 hours to decide what she is going to take with her when she leaves because, quite clearly she is not happy.

Offer to help her pack. Tell her dad's do not understand about moisturiser and shampoo and blemish creams, and that as a female, it's better to find a nice space of her own. She can shave, whip and moisturise to her hearts content.

These words are coming from a gay friend of mine, sorry. True but True xx

You are here

Need Advice on how to say things "properly" to SD - so DH won't scream at me