New Baby Coming & Nervous About Adult SD
Hello everyone,
I'm in need of some advice/support.
I am a StepMother to two StepDaughter's (ages 18 & 21). I have been in their lives for 8 years, officially married to their Father for the last 5 of these years. I am 32 years old and my Husband is 37 (he obviously had his Bio Daughter's very young). Anyways, I JUST recently found out I am pregnant with my FIRST child (this last Monday)and although I feel blessed and ecstatic, the thought of SD's put a damper on everything.
Ever since I found out that I am expecting I have been on "guard".....a million thoughts have been running through my mind and I'm extremely nervous about both breaking the news to SD's which includes the factor of their BM finding out and the long list of enmeshed in laws involved with the ex wife and the fact about raising a child around "them" (SD's).
The 18yo SD does not live with us and has pretty much been detaching from my Husband and I for a good year or two now (which we knew would happen when Child Support was coming to an end and the whole parental alienation from her BM hit home after all of these years, you know the "you're an adult now, you don't have to see your Father now" thing. So I'm not worried about the 18yo SD as much, I'm guessing once the baby comes along she'll make her exit and rarely be in our lives honestly. When we saw her last Summer, she acted like she was pondering the thought of living with us so we could "pay for her to go to college and she could have free boarding"....of course I'm thinking NO FREAKING WAY!!!! But, she hates kids and has told us several times that if we had a child "she was out"....so this makes this SD much less of a threat to me right now.
However, the 21yo SD DOES live with us. She's been in our home for 2.5 years now. I wish she didn't....I can't stand her and I want her out. I've wanted her out since she had been living with us for just a few short months. She's totally entitled, irresponsible, rude, disregards me and the house rules, uses her Father like an ATM, won't work, parties hard at College and goes through multiple BF's like crazy, smokes pot, is a total slob, the whole 9 yards. I would describe her a bad influence and definitely not someone I want my child to be around, at least not living with.
This is where I begin to panic. I DO NOT want my child around her BS. The nursery will be right across from her room down the hall.....all I can think of is SD blaring her music and video games late at night (like she always does) and waking the baby up. All I can think is NO PEACE. SD comes and goes from our home as she pleases....sometimes we won't see her for weeks and she suddenly shows up....she uses us at her convenience and puts all these demands on DH, it's just unstable and I can think of a million issues that could arise because of SD21 with our baby....
I know that the further along I get in my pregnancy I'll become more protective of myself and the thought of my child...I'll become more resentful of SD's and definitely want to cut down on the BS and make some harsh changes regardless of how DH wants me to handle the situation with SD.
How do you deal with raising your Bio Child in the presence of SD/SS when you want your child to be nothing like them??? How do you begin to gain control back and make the necessary changes?? I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Why does your DH put up with
Why does your DH put up with his 21 year old daughter acting like this in the home and putting demands on him?
You need to have a talk with your husband and things need to change.
DH is a "Disney Dad" when it
DH is a "Disney Dad" when it comes to SD's.
With SD21, I think it's mostly guilt. He was never married to her BM and SD never lived with him as a child. Their relationship was strained for many years as SD was under parental alienation from her BM/BM's Family.....
She only came knocking on our door when she wanted him to pay for her to go college. That alone, says it all.
He's mistaking SD taking advantage of him, as her showing him love and interest. He feels like he's reconciling their relationship and making up for lost time, when in reality she's using him and doesn't have any kind of emotional attachment or sincere love for him. It's obvious she has no respect for either of us.
She needs to move out. She
She needs to move out.
She needs to move out.
She needs to move out.
How much longer is SD in college? At 21, she should be close to graduation, right? If that is the case, I'd say as soon as she graduates she has to leave. There's no reason she'd have to live with you post grad. Isn't 21 the legal age to stop child support anyway? There's no where she could go and demand money of him. She'll have to get a job, and a place....maybe room up with one of her BFF's, not your problem. If she does intend to stay, and your DH has no intention of kicking her out, you'll have to paint a picture of what it is to live with a newborn, and "new" rules should be established to accommodate the most helpless person in this scenario, which is your unborn child. That's the bottom line. I know it's not cool to put birth children over step children, but in this case, do it, and do it with a vengeance. She's old enough to flee the nest. If she doesn't like your rules set for the benefit of your child, (which, frankly should be unreasonable to a 21 year old partier) she should leave.
Out. Out. Out.
Unfortunately, SD is only
Unfortunately, SD is only starting her second semester of her Sophomore year. By the time the baby is born she'll have 2 more years left in College. I absolutely can not have her in my house for another two years.
I agree, she needs OUT OUT OUT!! For sure!!
I just need to figure out how to get her the F out now.
I know this sounds awful, but I'm hoping and praying that DH gets a good kick of new instincts when it comes the baby, similar to what I'm having...realizes how much having and raising a new baby will cost and once the nursery gets underway buckles somewhat under the financial responsibility and wakes up and smells the coffee and cuts SD off like he should have already done anyhow.
Whatever financial situation
Whatever financial situation DH has with regard to her being in college could be what's making this last the way it is. College is expensive, and it's probably most financially beneficial to have her living at home. It sounds like she's acting like an independent college kid, which would be fine if she were living with middle-aged empty nesting parents looking ahead to retirement, and don't really care what the hell she does (within reason of course)...and frankly, it shouldn't be any other way, it's a natural part of growing up. College kids party, they drink, they smoke pot, they play loud music, they eat everything in the house. That is what they do. The issue here is that you are only 11 years older than her, she's more a kin to a sister to you than your child, and your home is not one of empty nesting parents that don't give a shit anymore, it's one that's starting a new family, with babies and baby stuff everywhere. A serious crimp on the lifestyle of a college kid.
So, if she is treated respecting that yes, she is an adult, then she will respond that way. There are certain boundaries that shouldn't be inflicted on her at this point...cuz basically if she gets herself impregnated, STD's or arrested, those are her problems, and she knows it. So little of her burning your house down, and becoming violently destructive, there's not a whole lot you can do to control her. I only say this because you mention her disregarding rules of your home, and I wonder what kinds of rules you could possibly put on a 21 year old.
That being said, it's absolutely reasonable to point out to her that it's going to be a drag to have a newborn living in the same environment, because smoking, pot, alcohol and parties will not happen in your house. I'd say she can come and go as she pleases so long as she doesn't keep you up worrying about her, and if dad is paying her tuition then she can't let the grades slip, because dad's money is a terrible thing to waste. She keeps anything illegal outside of your home. She's a ward there while she's finishing up school, which is fine, but the college partying in your home needs to stop. Now if she's going to stay out all night, you could request a text so you know she's not in trouble...but beyond that, I wouldn't sweat it. Basically treat her more like a roommate that is paying rent through her studies.
SD does not party in our
SD does not party in our home. Neither DH or I would ever allow that. However, we are privy to her party hardy ways because SD brags and gloats about it. She also posts very illegal and inappropriate pictures on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook for the world to see which we have seen ourselves. She began doing this at 18, before she was able to legally drink and everything and continues to do so with blunts and all kinds of crap.
I have also gotten phone calls at 3 and 4AM in the past, from her friends asking that I come to pick her up from campus because she is passed out drunk....I have gone to SD's rescue and picked her up with vomit in her hair, her clothes ripped, everything.....one morning I had to get her from a Frat House where I was told she had been alone with about 30 or 40 Frat guy's. We have also had to take SD to the hospital on two occasions because of drunken, stupid, party accidents where her hand has been slammed in a car door.
So, while I understand that she is of age and is in college and I know this is what college kids do, this is her LIFESTYLE that goes beyond parties on the weekend....which is directly effecting everything in her life (she has lost friendships and relationships over it, her grades are bad etc, it effects everyone in her life including DH and I. It costs us money when she's stupid....it interrupts our sleep....it causes stress and interferes with our lives, so it's not okay. It's out of hand.
As far as rules and boundaries...it's OUR home. She is living in our home and when we are the ones who are totally 100% supporting her, I don't see what's wrong with asking her to respect us and our home.
Rules are basic, common courtesy, common things.....pick up after yourself, rinse out your dishes, turn off lights when you leave a room, turn on the security system and lock the doors when you leave the house, etc. These are things somebody her age should be doing regardless.
SD has left our home at wee hours in the morning before and kept the front door completely, wide opened, didn't lock anything at all. She puts our safety and security at risk because she's too lazy and inconsiderate to do something as simple as lock the house doors when she leaves. She's had every light in the house on before, never turns them off. She'll leave dirty napkins, empty water bottles and cans everywhere, dirty dishes piled in her room and all over the counter.
We have also asked her to respect our two dogs in the home. She's mean as hell to them and I have caught her pushing and kicking them before. I could go on and on about this one. But, yes we asked that she NOT bring alcohol or drugs into our home. We have found both in her room. She doesn't care.
I'm talking about her with
I'm talking about her with you in two different threads....but maybe you'll luck out and she'll move in with her BF at his mother's. His mom wants to keep them there anyway...let her have them
But yeah, those things are not okay. I would inform her she has to figure out her own DD for her party nights, because both of you will be unavailable..and I'd cut her off from school if she lets the grades slip, because DH is in no way obligated to pay for it at this point. To help a child out with college tuition is a very generous act, and for the child to get bad grades is to spit on that generosity. It isn't required.
A 21yr old daughter who
A 21yr old daughter who behaves of your description and treats my home as her college dorm crash pad wouldn't be living with me , pregnant or not.
If your DH intends to continue to pay for the daughter's schooling , fine (if he can continue to afford the cost), but paying for her schooling doesn't mean she has to live in your home and abuse the privilege the way she is. If DH can not continue to afford college, IMO after paying the first two years for it, he can guilt-free now let BM finish the last two years or the daughter do the loan/grant thing on her own. He's been helping her and now it will be time to tell her to figure out how to finish it on her own. He's paid his Daddy Dues.
Yes, definitely apartment time for the young adult. Either an apartment, back to BM or look herself into college housing and possibly sharing the cost with roommates. At a very young infant/toddler stage she won't be able to shed poor influences on the baby2be yet (thankfully), but anything more than an occasional visit to your home (by calling first before she arrives) is all the welcome she needs from her father at this stage of her life. You're not suggesting booting the girl from her father's life, just from living in his home and being dependent on him.
It all would be a lot harder to do if the SD was a younger minor, but she's a grown capable adult who can survive without living with father. You'll have to be careful when presenting your boot plan to DH in that you don't make him defensive by the plan. You're not attacking the daughter (she's his and he loves her, a user or not), but he's not really helping the girl by enabling her to remain a carefree sponge off Daddy act like a teenager who still needs her father to do for her. Give her a reasonable timeline and out she goes...it's time, baby coming or not. DH can help her if he needs to research plan and find housing and funding for the schooling.
She can go live in a dorm.
She can go live in a dorm. It will be within crawling distance of the frat houses. The safety issues major deal breaker.
What if she stays thru toddlerhood of your baby and your baby finds her stash of Xtasy? I know you didn't mention x but if she's partying that hard, she's doing more than pot.