New Step Mum
Hello,
I am new here and feeling incredibly fragile today.
I am married (together for 12 years) with two children.
My husband has a child with another woman. I always knew about her. My husband however has never had a relationship with his daughter. He & his ex were teenagers when she fell pregnant, she is a jahovas witness & when her family found out she was pregnant, said that they had to marry. (When my husband found out she was pregnant she was already around 7 months pregnant and they had split up - she never told him) he was only 17 and refused - in so doing, they didn't allow him access, refused his right to be on the birth certificate and moved very far away and with him having very little family support himself, didn't know how to fight for his daughter and basically didn't see her for over 16 years.
We have been a family of 5 ever since, however we were always honest about it to our kids.
Fast forward and out of the blue my husband got a message from his daughter last year and now she is in our lives. Initially I was really happy and excited, for him, my children and his daughter. I was from a broken home and felt like I could be a decent step mother.
it has all however knocked me for six. His daughter is poliet and decent enough at the very beginning (and it still early days) but recently she's been so demanding- she loves two hours away and called my husband to collect her from her local town to take her home because she doesn't like the bus! She demanded a new phone when she broke her 3rd one, amongst many other things. We took her on a little break away and the less said about that the better. She lies constantly too, even a bit stupid silly stuff and this has really put a block between me bonding with her. She was caught in a web of lies, saying she had a miscarriage- that her mother had 5 in one year, that her step siblings are narcissists etc etc... it's just constant drama! She gets along with our kids well enough, but she's not too interested.
As her mother is a Jahova witness they don't celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc... so now she wants to spend all these holidays with us, which I was fine about at first, but now I am almost mourning the family we were before. It was so easy and fun! I kept excusing myself and running to the toilet to cry yesterday our first Christmas all together and it was just horrible.
I don't feel like this is my home anymore. I don't feel close to my husband anymore. I have explained how I'm feeling to him, and he is also at a loss as to how to make this work.
my heart goes out to this girl, it really does. She's obviously been through so much. But it's not my fault that her parents were too young and dumb to be responsible and honestly, now I just want to take my kids and run away. I find myself resenting my husband for not stepping up....
the ex and her new husband also dictate everything. When she comes down, for how long etc etc.
I don't want to live like this. I know I got into a relationship with him knowing he had a daughter, but this is so far removed from my expectations.
please don't think I am a heartless woman, I'm really not. I am 100% trying my best and am scared about what to do/how our lives will be happy. Really emotional today, so please I beg be gentle.
thank you.
You're not a heartless woman
You're not heartless to be floundering in this situation. His daughter, a teenager, has suddenly burst in to your family. He sounds like he is reeling, too.
From this distance, it sounds like your SD is seeking her own father figure to provide those things that some fathers provide: rides, phones, holiday celebrations and gifts, etc. Remember, she is a teenager and we all wanted that stuff. She may not realize that dads also provide structure and realism, like, "Knock that off" and "no". He and she are probably in a honeymoon phase. She's testing limits and he doesn't want to lose her again.
I don't have much advice. In a perfect world, you two would discuss this and come up with a united policy to integrate this girl into your lives. She could use a father's influence to help her mature into an independent woman and it will take more than material things. It will be tricky since he has no legal rights.
You sound like a sensible, kind woman. What you wrote is good. What would happen if you had him read that as you began discussions? You both want what's right for her but also want to protect your existing family. Good luck.
This sounds very tough. Maybe
This sounds very tough. Maybe a therapist could help you two figure out how to set boundaries and discuss the needs that each of you have in this situation? It's reasonable that you aren't ready to have her in your home whenever she wants to be there and angry that your husband is just jumping to meet her every demand. It's also understandable that he feels guilty and has trouble saying no.
It's a bit odd that she's coming to you to celebrate holidays against the laws of her religion - and that BM supports that. Jehovah's Witnesses are often very strict about their rules.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I have booked to see a therapist with my husband next week, fingers crossed they can help.
SD has rebelled against her mothers religious belief and her mother has allowed her to choose her own path, but that means we now get her for every holiday. It's a tough cookie to swallow for me.
Difficult situation
Of course you aren’t a heartless person, if you were you wouldn’t be looking for solutions to your problems. Tog’s suggestion to try therapy is an excellent one. Being the parent MUCHLESS a stepparent to an “instant” teenager is daunting! Add in all the other factors, it’s no wonder you are feeling the way you do. A good therapist can help. Good luck and God bless......
Decompression time
You have a stranger in your home, who is dictating to your husband to jump and how high, you have this person who is not your child acting like she is entitled to everything a child is entitled to, in your home, and you think you are the bad person? Your husband and you need to have some very difficult and very hard discussions. About parenting and boundaries and I would also reccomend therapy - for you and husband, because insta-kid is really upsetting a balance that youve created and without all the details Im guessing shes not being very nice.
Even my SD15, who is generally very resilient and nice, she needs what I term "decompression time" when going between our two houses and we have a 50/50 visitation schedule.
Its also very suspect the timing - shes been kept from your husband for over a decade and so why now? Oh, gee, shes going to need a car. Maybe shes costing her mother too much money because her mother has a large number of children, so hes an ATM dad. College? She wants to leave the BM's house because they arent getting along? How long before she will ask to live with you full time because too many rules? Something is definitely up.
Ummmm, has he had a paternity
Ummmm, has he had a paternity test done? He has no guarantee she was only having sex with him, Time he checked.