Past issues with a mini-wife SD5 not so past?
When I first started dating my DH, it was quite a change for me - we have a 9yr age difference between us, and I was thrown from a life of single freedom into a family life with DH, SD5, and MIL (whom, due to physical disabilities, cannot work and has to be supported). Even with the limited parenting experience, however, I was able to tell something was off - shouldn't a 5yr old with her own room sleep in it, and not in bed with her father? Did all men with daughters give their little girls and their women the same pet names of 'baby', 'honey', and 'my love'? And imagine how bewildered and chastised I felt when we'd go to cuddle on the couch and have a little body insisting on squeezing her way between us or telling me I wasn't allowed to do certain things without Daddy's approval...really threw me for a loop. But partly thanks to this website I realized what the issue was and was able to talk to him without any fighting and things have changed.
But have they really?
For the past four months, DH has been on medical leave from work and though I try to convince him it doesn't make him 'ancient' or 'less of a man' it's affected him. But when I used to come home from work or school the first thing he'd do is greet me at the door with a hug and a kiss. Instead I come home from my last shift to, before I can even get my shoes off, gushing about how well SD5 was all day while I was gone (she's been having severe behavior issues lately and was grounded) and turn to see her moved from the couch she was stuck on to sitting in DH's lap - with no reprimand for getting out of her spot (and blocking mine.) Though he started calling her 'Princess' instead of the other cringe-worthy (or, in my opinion, MORE cringe-worthy) pet names, he's been slipping lately and doing it again. The other night I had found DH's old toothbrush after it had gone missing and SD5 insisted it was hers (despite the fact that she uses kid-sized brushes) because it was pink, and DH promised to get her her own pink toothbrush...which wouldn't have really rubbed me the wrong way except that he does that a lot - when she says she wants something someone else has she'll get her own...she even got a brand new callender the day after my birthday because she had wanted my present. Tonight really got me thinking when he started gushing about how beautiful SD5's long hair is, down to the middle of her butt as he described, and said if she didn't start brushing her hair we'd have to cut it off. DH actually said, with seriousness, that if that happened he would actually cry...and the fact that one of the things DH has always said he found sexy about me (and women in general) was long hair just made me cringe.
DH and I have had sex problems for awhile now, long before his medical leave, but with the issues it's just gotten worse. Maybe DH is falling back into old habits because of his depression? Or sometimes I have to wonder if the issues stem from this mini-wife syndrome? DH loves to cook, and when he was first injured MIL suggested I could help him cook, which while I said sounded good to me and something I'd love to do for him, he insisted was too much of a hassle since he didn't measure things, etc...only to have SD5 help him not a week later.
I've told him I don't mind SD5 being first in his life, and in some ways I don't, but...from things I've read and heard, the opinion is conflicting. Should SD5 really come first? And even if so, should it be to this level? It's hard enough that even without SD5, MIL is next in line while I come after (and that's just with the medical leave - usually work is behind MIL.) I'm just very frustrated considering that I'm struggling to solely support a family of four, and then have these issues with DH on top of it. I had to convince him to buy me a cheap Christmas present so I wasn't the only one not opening a present Christmas morning (after I spent 200+ dollars on SD5's presents.)
Not really sure how to close this, seeing as it turned from a well planned, thought out paragraph into a venting rant, but any opinions or feedback would be appreciated. 
RUN!!!! H has deemed you a
RUN!!!! H has deemed you a doormat.
My personal opinion is each
My personal opinion is each partner has to be number one to the other. I will not come second and my fiance will never come second to anyone/thing to me, our relationship is our individual top priority.
HOWEVER within the household any children are the priority, in the sense that it doesnt matter whether its SD5, a future ours baby, or the neighbours kid, when there is a child within your household then what is best for them has to become a priority. Whether its for an evening, a weekend or 24/7.
But still, our commitment to one another out ranks that.
From reading your post I cant help but get the feeling that part of you already has a foot out the door but are worried about "kicking a man whilst hes down". You are justifying why these issues are reoccuring and putting is down to his depression and being out of work.
Yes being out of work (through sick leave or unemployment) does seem to have a harsher effect on men emotionally (it really messes up their male ego of providing) but its not an excuse.
Ultimately its about how important these things are to you, I know, hand on heart, that I could not deal with this whole step world if my fiance didnt put me and our relationship first. He loves his daughter, in some things hes strict, in other areas hes more lenient but if I have any concerns we talk about it, he listens and household rules (regarding SD or anything else) are made together. If it wasnt that way I dont think I could do it, I dont think I could disengage (not that I am in any way a main parenting role for SD5) I wouldnt be interested in living in separate households. Yes things may (and probably will) get more challenging as SD gets older, as/when we have children of our own etc but its so important to have a solid foundation. Dont forget even in intact families, children that were little angels can quickly become demons in their teens, if you are getting this frustrated and feeling this devalued within your relationship now when your SD is so young it will only get worse.
I have to agree with everyone
I have to agree with everyone here... get out now! There is much better for you out there. This was a wonderful learning experience for you, now you know what you like and want in a relationship and what to steer clear of. Time is on your side!
Thank you to everyone who
Thank you to everyone who gave their advice so far...the resounding opinion seems to be that I need to leave, and believe me, I am taking that opinion into consideration. Not only is it an opinion I have heard before (from a few family and close friends) but in addition, as painful as it is to admit, SecondGeneration was right: if I take a close look at myself and my situation, I do have 'one foot in the door', as it were. But I do love DH, AND SD5. I'm not happy with the situation, true, but that's why I posted: I'd like to work to fix it. 'For better or worse', as the vows say. And yes, I'm aware that some relationships/problems can't be fixed. But saying that, there are a few things I'd like to clarify:
1. I wasn't always supporting the four of us. Before DH went on medical leave, he paid over half of all household expenses, and is very vocal in his depression and feelings of guilt that I'm stuck paying it all, especially considering that I'm a student (and yes, I am still in college - new semester just started today!) When I'm feeling my most depressed and bitter thoughts of being a doormat do arise, but me being the sole supporter is a recent development.
2. MIL, for those who mentioned they were curious, is disabled and is currently trying to get aid, but for the moment has no income and has no way of helping to contribute. DH as well does get CS (he has full custody of SD5) so he is able to help in getting the things that SD5 needs, which, while not covering even half of the expenses, DOES help.
3. In case I wasn't clear, things aren't as bad as they were with DH, SD5, and I as they were in the beginning. She's still having some issues sleeping in her own bed, but when she gets up in the night she ends up crawling into bed with MIL, not us. And it's been awhile since she tried to tell me what to do - it does still happen on occasion, but when it does DH makes it clear to her that she shouldn't be trying to boss around ANY adult.
My main concern is lately, when she does things like steal my spot, or slip back into habits of crying when she wants something someone else has, or whatever, he's falling back into the habit of treating her like he did when she was mini-wife. (Plus I'm not gonna lie - whether it's me overreacting or not, his comment about her hair and the length REALLY bothered me. Maybe it's past issues with my own father, but it squicked me out.) Part of me wonders if he feels it's safer: I've been trying to keep a spark between us in the bedroom without pressuring him overmuch, but maybe he's slipping into old habits because it's easier to cling to SD5 (including giving into her when she pushes at the boundaries, as kids are prone to do) than deal with me and my wants? That's been one of the biggest ways our age difference has shown itself since the begining, is that I have a much bigger appetite than him. And while before his medical leave it was enough to keep me mostly satisfied (enough that I didn't feel the need to complain, at any rate) lately I end up taking more and more nightly showers and feeling not only extremely frustrated, but unsexy and unwanted.
Another explanation I've considered is his feelings of guilt are turning into resentment...here's this young girl, a student at that, playing supporter and taking his place as the head of the household. Not to say that he's overly sexist, but every man has an ego in my experience - and havimg your younger wife support you may be brining out subconcious feelings of resentment toward me and wanting to cater to SD5's princess side like he was when we first started dating.
Im no psychology major however, so all of this is speculation. Further input and advice would be appreciated, but if not, thanks again to all those who have commented!