PLEASE HELP!!!
my boyfriend and his son have just moved in with me and my 2 children who i have 50/50 custody with their father. my kids are respectful, polite, have never sassed back (10 & $4). my bf has sole custody...he is divorced and his ex moved away and has not been in his 8 yr old's life for about 5 years. (only phone calls and a visit once a year)
He has abandonment issues. you can't leave the room without him looking for you. all i hear is "look at me" or "watch me" he is disrespectful; talking back, running his mouth...he will say something and then when you tell him not to say that, he will say he never did. small stupid lies...nothing major but annoying nonetheless. I am about to snap. I have him most of the time due to bf's work schedule. I don't know what to do!!!!!! someone PLEASE give me some suggestions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommaz - give it a little bit
Mommaz - give it a little bit of time. Yes, it's annoying, but right now I am guessing that the 8 year old is going through very strong abandonment issues. He hasn't been with his mom for 5 years, and now his dad is not with him most of the time.
It is not going to happen overnight that your SS starts to feel secure.
Here's a few suggestions -
When SS lies - call him out on it. If you are the primary caregiver, then you need to feel comfortable parenting as you would your own children. Make sure your BF is on the same page on this.
When he talks back or runs his mouth - call him out on it, just as you would your own children. Don't let him get away with it just because he has issues.
When he says "look at me" or "watch me"... handle it as you would your own kids. "I saw you" or "I can't watch you right now, but I will when I am done with this..." or whatever. Give him some reinforcement, but don't coddle him because he is needy. That makes it worse.
Having said all of that though, I do think that an extra touch - tousle of the hair, hand on his head or back, a hug, whatever... displays of affection can help him a lot.
I'm guessing he needs affection and security more than attention. What is your gut feeling on that?
Hope these help... Hugs girl...
I don't treat him any
I don't treat him any different than I treat my own. I understand he is coming into new rules/expectations and my bf backs me most of the time but there is still the lingering "i've moved him away from everything he has ever known" guilt trip that bf is feeling. (they moved from one coast to the midwest to be with me) and i think alot has to do with the inconsistency he's had...when bf was working, he was sent to different family members overnight or whatnot and they all feel bad for him because his mom left so they let him do whatever?? I don't know. BF's mom put up with it and that just SHOCKS the crap out of me because she is not like that!!!!!!!!!!!
I am at my wits end!!!
Well Mommaz you know what the
Well Mommaz you know what the problem is, and you are handling it really the only way that you can. The only thing left you can do is give it time and BE CONSISTENT. If this kid has gone through 5 years of instability, it is not going to change overnight. But it will change, and probably quicker than you may think.
As long as you are consistent in your actions and reactions, and the kid has a stable place to call home and leave from / come back to... you are half way through the battle.
I'm not saying it will work out - but it's got a much better possibility at this point.
SD had a lot of instability on the days her mom had her. So she came to live with us mainly. We thought that her living with us for 8 months at a time, and only staying with BM for 4 months- and those were straight months in a row, would be stable enough. It was only when we had her every day 365 days a year that we really saw a change. SD today is so much further ahead in her life than a little over 1 year ago.
And while I could say that DH and I still could be accused of spoiling her, we did plenty to instill real values, and lay down the law. When we thought she was crying for no reason, we'd tell her.... There's nothing to be crying about, so stop it! When we thought she was being a brat - we told her to get over herself! And yeah, she'd get snotty, and go to her room, and later come out and be fine.
Let him work through some of his emotions. Just be there for him. And possibly even consider getting him into some counseling for a while so he can work through some of it without feeling like he's betraying his mom or dad to either of you.
That's what worked for us here...
i have called him out on lies
i have called him out on lies and mouthing off. he doesn't care. if i tell him "that isn't ok to do" he pipes back "that isn't ok to do" really snotty. it's absolutely ridiculous.
He could be testing you.
He could be testing you. You need to find the "shock and awe" of punishment for him. Discuss this with your husband.
When he mimics you, you have several choices...
1. You can let him get away with it and seethe...
2. You can give him a swat on the behind... (or if this is not your style)
3. You can send him to his room to sit and sulk - and be sure to take away any entertainment in there.
4. You could put him to work with a chore
5. You could threaten him with his father and make sure his father gives him a good scare.
He's been able to get away with a lot because everyone felt sorry for him. So he's testing you to see what he can get away with.
And the final thing you can try is when he mimics you, and is snotty... WAIT. Wait until he needs you... and then say, "I don't feel like helping someone that doesn't respect me. You don't respect me, so I don't have to help you... " And let him get pissed. You are the adult. He needs you more than you need him, so you can play this game as long as it takes. But your husband has to be ready to stand by you!
I am dealing with the exact
I am dealing with the exact same issue with my girlfriend 9yr old boy. Sad to say, I'm about to break up with my girlfriend because of his actions. I cannot deal with him anymore. Everytime I'm around him I get stressed and I have to start babysitting him or dealing with his whining voice. I've never delt with such annoyance in my life. I'm a very patient person and it takes a lot to get me fired up and he does it well. Unfortunately my comment is not a positive one but one I can relate to. My own kids are polite and respectful which makes him look like a totally out of control kid. I love my girlfriend and I've tried to make this "living together" work for 1 1/2yrs to no success. I've posted a topic similar to yours on here few days ago and it's been really helpful to me in making my decision. Good luck mommaz.
Mommaz, the little boy needs
Mommaz, the little boy needs help. I would go to counseling with him and try to make it a positive thing for him.