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Please read and give your honest opinon, not sure if I am being too sensitive.

mary67's picture

sorry this is sooo long and thank you in advance for your opinion. The backround is my husband's ex told his daughter I was a liar about the seat belt law for GA. The first email is me asking her not to say that and you can read on from there. The seat belt law in GA is 6 and under need a seatbelt but there are guidelines which she refers to. The email chain starts at the bottom and goes from there. Thanks again.

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HER

xxxx you do not wish to engage in these email exchanges, then PLEASE stop starting them. Now you're inventing history. . Never told you xxxx had body issues. What I told you was that I had major body image issues, and as such, I was very intent on breaking that cycle and not giving that legacy to my child. Ask xx about that one. He knows my history and thoughts on that well. Believe me when I say that I would be perfectly happy if I never hear from you again. Your email below detailing what is wrong with my children and their upbringing highlights brilliantly why having you as one of the biggest influences in my children's lives is one of my biggest sorrows. I only hope that the influence you have doesn't have as much impact as I fear it will. Your ideas about kids are ludicrous. You think every single one of them should fit in one single mold? How strange. What constitutes "coddling" a child? Putting them in a booster seat that every safety guideline recommends? Being a stay at home mom? Giving them affection and love? Actually being around them and being the one to take care of them? Providing them with many opportunities for independence and fun/life experiences that give them confidence? (and yes Mary, there is a huge difference between confidence and shyness). Providing them an environment where neighborhood kids and friends and family are in and out of our house all day? Perhaps not coddling them means allowing Raymond to watch a movie where a man shoots himself in the head? (imagine my surprise when I my NEIGHBOR tells me that xxxxxxx says he watched this movie at your house). Get a grip, and perhaps invest in some books on child behavior and development. Yes, please, let's not email anymore. I'd be very happy with that scenario.

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ME

No the email I sent was not about the kids safety, that is another issue. It was about you calling me a liar to an eight year old, doesn't seem that hard to understand but you obviously have trouble with communication. I don't know if you have selective memory or will just say anything to be right. Over a year ago when we met for breakfast you told me xxxx had issues with weight. It wasn't that long ago? xxx has never had issues with self confidence until a couple of months ago but it is much better now. I couldn't understand where it was coming from but I do now. There are many things I don't want my child picking up from your kids, but I can only work with whats in front of me. If I don't encourage your coddling behavior with the kids it is because I don't want my kid thinking that is OK. Don't you find it unusual that an eight year old is too afraid of people to ask for a condiment and asks a four year old to do it.? Do you think it's normal that a seven year old boy with his own money buys hand sanitizer instead of a toy? That he tattles evey five minutes? I am sure from your pious perch you think you are right but you are setting him up for ridicule and disappointment.. I find your tone and words extremely insulting. It is obvious your objective is not the kids, it about you being right. Please don't respond as I find this to be a big wast of time.
----- Original Message -----

HER

Finding it hard that you cannot understand that the point of the emails you started is about the kids safety.

Regarding xxxx weight, it's funny that you should make a judgment about that when doctors have never even mentioned it in the 8 and 1/2 years that she's gone to the doctor. The only comment I have ever gotten is that she continues to develop very well and is in the range of normal (25th percentile which is in the range of normal). I am 5'2" and as such was in the same percentile growing up. Are you implying that every girl has to grow to be 5'7"? Kids are different sizes and weights at different ages, that is why there is a "normal" range. (And, speaking on topic, that is exactly why child safety guidelines focus more around weight and height than age, as age is not a predictor of weight and height).

Feel free to consult a doctor or the published growth tables about that on Elisabeth's weight if you are concerned. She has never been fixated on her weight around me, nor does she have any reason to do so as that is a subject that is not discussed except when they bring up you and your bringing up your own weight or when I try impart to my children the idea/value that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. So forgive me if I will trust a medical professional over you with regards to my daughter's health and if wish for my children to have a positive body image no matter if they are big or small or inbetween. Please stop looking for things wrong in my daughter...so far you have told me she doesn't know how to be a girl (implying that she hasn't been taught by me?), but at the same time acts too proactively with her body, and now that her weight is not adequate in your eyes. Makes me wonder where the origin of xxx own self image issues came from that you told me about months ago. And if you don't like that comment, you will begin to understand exactly how I feel when you make judgments and assessments about my daughter xxxx. BTW, please notice that xxxx name is spelled with an "s", not a "z".

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ME
Subject: Re:

I am not arguing that booster seats should be used. I don't even understand what point it is you are trying to make in most of your email but I get the sense you don't approve of the way the children are treated here or the way they spend there time. I could go on an on about the way you and xxx are raising your children and the ham you are inadvertently doing to them but it really isn't my place to do so. I am not going to change who I am to fit your idea of what is and isn't acceptable. If I want to lose ten pounds before I quit smoking, so what? I never said I was on a no eating plan, I am just not eating what they do and from what I am told, neither do you. If I have an opinion on xxxx weight, I will share it with her. If you don't know that she is too skinny for her age then there is a real problem. She seems to be fixated on weight and I believe she has had that issue for quite some time, well before I met her. It's not healthy that an almost nine year old fits into and wears all of my four year olds clothes. It would be nice to be able to have a normal conversation or email with you about the kids. I do care for them and believe it or not I do want what's best for them. My daughter adores them and I think they enjoy her as well. I just don't appreciate being called a liar and that was all I was trying to get across to you in my email. Trying to blend two families is hard and although you haven't had to deal with it yet, it sounds like you will. We each have our own ways of parenting and of course everyone wants to believe theirs is the right one. xxxx and I don't agree on many issues so I really don't expect you to but I do hope that we can listen to what each other have to say and think it through so that our kids can benefit without being sanctimonious about it.
----- Original Message -----
HER

Your thoughts on child restraint are fairly evident as you and xxx do not adequately restrain xxxx when there is a choice to be made between three children. I've never had a discussion with xxx about age requirements. xxx, that's is exactly my point. It's NOT about age requirement, it about weight and height and doing what's right and safe for the children. It's about the children, it's not about me, it's not about you, it's not about xxx. And I will continue to teach xxxx right from wrong. It's disturbing that your primary concern is getting into semantics about me using the word with xxx "lie" versus "wrong." Gosh, okay, I concede...I should have said "please don't allow xxx to teach my child wrong/unsafe practices anymore" vs. having said "please stop allowing xxx to lie to my child..." So now that we're past the semantics of the issue, can we focus on what is right and safe for the children?! I will gladly show xxx the safety law and regulations and allow her to make her own judgment on what the meaning of the guidelines 4'9" and 60lbs means. Unbelievable that you two are having such a hard time with simply doing what is in the best interest of our children., I will not stand down on anything regarding the safety of my children and I would hope you would treat my children in the same way you would treat your own.

xxx, I could go on and on about the things the kids come back and tell me about their time with you and xxx and how that is spent and the many things I take issue with and disagree with. I've learned I have to chose my battles now, so I very rarely bring anything up anymore. But safety of my children will always be a battle I'm willing to fight.

Also, before you and xxx suggest that I have put things into my child's head about our married relationship and subsequent divorce, I suggest you probe further to understand the mind of what that nind year old is thinking and what her frame of reference is. I have absolutely never said anything bad about xxx or you to the kids (unless you think me reinforcing the idea that smoking is an unhealthy habit is saying something bad...or me reinforcing a healthy body image and trying to negate the impact of you saying things like "I need to loss 10 lbs before I stop smoking" and "I am on a no eating diet..." and "xxxx, you're too skinny"). It is particularly insulting as I have gone out of my way to say positive and supportive things to my children about the two of you so that they are not put in the position of feeling the stress between us. Having a conversation with xxxx after getting that email from xxx, I learned that her frame of reference was from before the divorce and a vague ideas she developed during that timeframe.

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ME

Did you read my email? You stated I was lying about the age requirements for the seatbelt law in GA to XXXX. I did not lie about it and asked you not to say or infrer that. I did not email you about my thoughts on child restraint but believe I indicated such in the email.

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HER

Not sure I understand your point. Isn't the primary concern here the safety of our children? Did you read the literature you just sent me under "4 steps for children"? XXX is neither 4'9" tall nor is she 60 lbs. Please read below one of several emails I have sent XXX in the past on this issue...
Since I'm sure we're all more concerned about safety of our children (versus doing very least we can do to get by without getting arrested), I am confident we will all be on the same page after you both decide to put the children's safety first.

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ME First email

xxx,
Before you accuse me of lying, I suggest you research what it is your contradicting. I prefer the kids to be in booster seats but I do not lie and would appreciate you not suggesting that I do.
Thanks,

sarahbernheart's picture

I think I would have stopped at the first email, and just have agreed to disagree.
it is a no win situation and sometimes it is better to walk away.
it is hard to argue with a stupid person cuz they will drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

stepwitch's picture

You can't fix stupid. She in her mind thinks she knows all and you can't change her mind. Just go along and be yourself, I'm sure she thinks that she is right and you are wrong, but really who gives a toot what she thinks.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

lovetoboard08's picture

You can't fix crazy. I have learned that emails, texts, responses to craziness, only makes for more craziness. the best thing you can do is not respond. It will stop the drama.

Rags's picture

Spherical logic is a very hard thing to pin down in an discussion.

I recommend that in the future that you don't bother. She led the discussion where ever she wanted to and apparently got the last word in. Next time, let her first response be her last by responding only with, "thanks for your perspective, this conversation is over". Then read no more of her drivel.

Save it for future court dates but don't read it until you need it for court.

Best regards,

melis070179's picture

Well if I'm reading it right, it sounds like she has an 8 yr old, you told her she didn't have to be in a booster seat & BM called you a liar because her 8 yr old is not 60 lbs or 4'9" yet? The law is 6 yrs old for GA, but the recommendation is over 60 lbs & at least 4'9" tall...

http://www.gohs.state.ga.us/newbooster.html

"...although the law does not require kids age six, seven and eight to use booster seats, GOHS recommends that children in this age group be secured in federally approved booster seat."

I agree with her that if her 8 yr old child is not at least 60 lbs & 4'9" tall that she should be in the booster seat. Everything else is just both of you being argumentative. I too have gotten into emails like this with BM, because I CANNOT STAND HER. I'm sure you feel the same way! At least you got her to concede about the "liar" statement, I would have stopped after that. And while you & your H only have to abide by the law & not what she tells you to do, hopefully if this child is on the small side you will follow the recommendations of the safety experts anyway, despite that this is also giving into the BM.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

Most Evil's picture

Just let this die. It is just turning her on to have your attention and think she is getting to you! I have my BM and SD blocked from my e-mail, I can't stand to hear their twisted viewpoint and don't care what they think, ya know?

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

Rat's picture

Why are you even wasting your time like this? Why are you nitpicking and getting all worked up over her saying you are lying about something? Choose your battles carefully - is this really one you wanted to have?

There is no point in provoking like this. You only did this to inflame a situation and try defend your 'honour'. Why do you care what she thinks about you or says about you? I am a full-time SM and I am sure my BM was sent from hell to torment me, and in the past I have sent emails and defended myself and all that rubbish. And at the end of the day, none of it matters. You are acting like a wild animal, pissing in the corner to defend your territory.

Let her say and think what she wants. If you know the truth, and you clear the air with your partner and his children, then who cares about her. Emails like this don't serve any purpose other than to cause conflict and tension. Trust me, after all my years as a SM with a psycho BM, I can promise you that you are a) wasting your time and b) making a bad situation far worse. Just live your life and don't worry about her. You just make yourself look stupid by stooping to this level. Always let her see you smiling and not bothered by what she says and does - it will confuse her and keep her up at night worrying about why you don't care enough to react to anything she does.

justbdais's picture

I understand how frustrating it can be to 'discuss' anything with BM. My SS's BM does this same thing, where she drags you into a mess and then it is like arguing with a child. ALL you want to do is get the point you are trying to make out but she just doesn't get it or hear it or doesn't want to get it. The seat belt law is the same for a lot of states, then there is the federal recommendation. If a child is under 6 they are required by law to be in a booster seat. When they turn 6 they do not have to be in a booster seat but if they are under 4'9 and less than 60lbs it is recommended. However my sister is 21 and is only 4'9 so if my mom had taken this to heart like your SD's BM has then my sister would have spent her entire childhood in a booster seat (whenever a infomercial is on telling you the law/recommendation we tease her relentlessly). I see the point you were trying to make. Tell her this information (proof you weren't lying)and making sure she doesn't call you a liar to SD but like most of the SM's mentioned here sometimes you gotta let it go after the first e-mail, because she is trying to start a fight with you and you will come out the loser and frustrated beyond belief.

NachoQueen's picture

Life is too short to have continued this email exchange.... honestly would you rather be happy or right?