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A question for step parents, what would make step life easier for you?

marsaidstep's picture

What are some things your significant other could do to make steplife easier for you?

MissTexas's picture

Some of these offspring have never been told "NO!" Theyr'e accustomed to getting WHAT THEY WANT, WHEN THEY WANT IT, no matter who else suffers as a result.  Because they've never been expected to think of others, they can get pretty nasty. When there are no boundaries, anything goes, and guess what? Even when the SKs are rude and horribly disrespectful, NOTHING USUALLY GETS DONE, because of "divorced daddy guilt."

Ms_Patricia's picture

the behavior I see in SD tells me that she expects everyone to give her what she wants. No ma’am not me!

ColdArmy13's picture

.. never allow your partner to be or be expected to do more than the biological parent.

BethAnne's picture

Talk to his ex in a timely manner when he needs to communicate with her rather than avoiding talking to her. All of the last minute arrangements play havoc with my nerves and stress levels.

I have other things I would like him to do, but I am not sure they would make life easier for me, but they are things that would either make me feel better or things that I think will help his daughter to have a more engaged father. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

^^^This right here!^^^

Stop avoiding her and pick up the damn phone!

ndc's picture

DH can't do the one thing I'd really appreciate - which is to make BM disappear from the face of the earth.  It's not that she's awful - she's not, or that I have a burning desire to have the skids full time - I kind of like having half time kids.  It's just that she has control over our household.  Some of that is because she's a controlling person, and she'll tell us not to give SD a haircut, or that we need to sign SDs up for a certain activity.  I find it annoying that she thinks she can dictate what we can do as if she's the superior parent, but the things she wants aren't that big a deal and not worth arguing over.  If there was something big and bothersome, we would ignore her.  The bigger thing is that we can't just up and go on vacation for a week - we have to swap days with BM, because we never have more than 5 consecutive days.  So far it has worked and she's agreed to every vacation request but one.  We also agree to her requests.  It's amicable, and it has worked out, but we don't control our own lives.  The biggest thing is that I'd like to move to a different area, and so would DH.  That's not a possibility now because DH doesn't want a long distance relationship with his kids and BM is here, so here the kids must stay.  If she were to just "Pooof" into the atmosphere, or get nailed by a meteorite and carried off to a distant planet, or something like that, we could do what we wanted.  But, sadly, not a gift DH can give me.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Honestly, I really have nothing against my stepchild-- by all accounts, I lucked out! However; my life is exponentially easier when it is just OUR nuclear family and I don't have to think or plan for SK. The times it is just us 3 fly by, the time we have SK I am counting down the days until BM comes to pick up.

strugglingSM's picture

If BM would stop trying to get DH to validate her and if she would stop trying to control every little thing that goes on in our home. I don't want her to disappear until SSs are at least 18, because I'm not interested in dealing with the mess she's created with both of them. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

A court system that really puts the children first and isn't blinded by BM bull. It kills me to know when we move to the same town as the kids we will have to fight tooth and nail for equal time because BM isn't going to give up her payday.

Oh I also think child support needs to be rexamined. SO pays a 3rd of his check to BM. She gets almost 500 a month for nothing while he's supposed to somehow maintain a home with only 1000 a month. But then getting with me and us supporting a home together can be frowned on by court for "morality" reasons. I'm not saying child support needs to disappear completely but if a parent has overnights at all it should be less than if they don't because they are providing nearly the same for the kids. We still have to have a larger home and car then someone without kids. We still have to buy them clothing and toys. We're subsidizing BM having a 4 bedroom home for her and the kids while we can only have a two because it's more important for her to have a spare room then them have their own rooms with us.

shamds's picture

in. Too many men are screwed by these lazy mums who somehow think because they were married for a decade and kids are all in fulltime school that they need maintenance and excessive cs but the courts don’t seem to address the issue of bio mums being equally responsible for their kid(s), these bio mums often live off solely off he ex’s cs for them and the kids to fund everything but they make no effort themselves and claim they can’t work because they have kids.

the court system needs to set a mandatory time limit bio mum has to get a job. Just because you stopped working for 5-10 yrs doesn’t mean you get away with no work. Sadly the justification for some of these women is its so hard to get back into the workplace which is bollocks... 

my ex boss was a man loved employing mums working part-time, they worked really well at multitasking 

Rags's picture

Though I am married to the CP in our blended family adventure, I fully recognize that NCPs far more often than not get screwed in the CS arena.

IMHO if the CP doesn't work then the court should be required to impute an income to the CP of at least 100% of their own support and 75% of the support of their children.  If the CP is working then their % of responsibility of support to their kids should drop to 50%.  That way the NCP gets a break in CS if the X doesn't step up and work ..... and it turns the heat up on the CP to step up and work to support themselves and the kids when their kids are with them.  If the NCP doesn't work then the same imputed income scenerio should apply.

Kids deserve the full benefit of the income of both of their parents.  For that to happen both parents have to work.  If one chooses to not work, then the court should impute significant financial responsibility onto the non working parent to force the issue and get them to step up... or suffer a significantly reduced lifestyle than what they would realize if they did work.

In our case the NCP purposely minimized his income as a licensed plumber, worked many jobs under the table for cash all in the mistaken effort to minimize his CS obligation.  Ultimately it backfired on him when my bride initiated a CS review and his CS went up by nearly 600% when a reasonable income for a licensed plumber was imputed against him and the new CS amount was decucted from his pay checks.   He went ballistic when he got his first $0 paycheck when his employer was forced to withhold CS from his checks.  The evidence we submitted from our PI of his under the table cash income and the fact that he ran from the constable who was serving him the subpoena for the CS hearing certainly helped us with having his imputed income escalated to what he should have shown.  Of course the situation found it's way to the IRS as well but that is different story.

Far too many parents are not required to step up and support their children.  That should not be tolerated by the courts. Either from the CP or the NCP. 

shamds's picture

now and then i read about women seeking equal rights that they are paid less and not enough women are in the workforce and they blame it on employers not being supportive of them or giving them opportunities like men. None of the research factors in how many women refuse to work because they get a cs payment they use to fund their lifestyle

so many posts here about bio mums not even buying school supplies, clothes or feeding their kids properly. Its just appalling

lorlors's picture

This.

ashes54's picture

Following through on what he says he is going to do including any discipline for his kids. I have never met someone who falsely threatens so much in my life in hopes it will produce the desired outcome. But when the kids don't do what is expected of them, his threat never happens. I try to tell him that all he is doing is proving to them that his word means nothing. That if he is going to threaten something, it should happen otherwise the next time he threatens, they already know it won't actually happen. Scare tactics don't work unless you're willing to actually do what you say.. One of my biggest pet peeves and probably biggest reason we can't seem to get good behavior from his children.

EvilStepMom1977's picture

Get a second job.  More money.  Toilet train his daughter.  Short of that, watch her constantly while she's at my house.  Remind her every hour to go to the bathroom.  Check the bathroom after she's done for messes.  Check her room and laundry regularly.   Constantly hound her.  Check laundry before it goes in the hamper to make sure it doesn't have shit or blood.  Make her rinse it off if it does.

Take away the computer.  Make his kids jump on the trampoline or ride bikes.  Don't let them have a second hamburger for dinner.  

That's a start.

lorlors's picture

Are you my ‘sista from another mista?’ 

I could have written this myself.

susanm's picture

Stop being such a damned Pollyanna.  If I have to hear "everything will be fine - don't worry - it will all work out" one more time he is going to get a screwdriver shoved into his ear canal.  No, it is not all going to work out just fine unless you get off your ass and actually DO SOMETHING.  Simply avoiding all issues and stupidly hoping for the best has only resulted in BM getting her way at every turn, her nearly bankrupting him in spousal and child support filings as well as all of them holding their hands out for every random thing they think of, and newly minted adults who can not support themselves and make choices that run afoul of the law because they can not fathom consequences.  He calls himself an optimist.  I call him a conflict avoidant ostrich.

lorlors's picture

Yes! I am loving this post. It’s like DING DING DING to everything. I’m going to show this to DH.

Siemprematahari's picture

He calls himself an optimist. I call him a conflict avoidant ostrich.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^Damn I felt that!!!

hallliday70's picture

Yeah, similar to others. If I had a magic wand I'd make my DH face things and deal with them properly. We're currently in a battle for control with the two older (11&14) year olds and we're going to have to take drastic measures to restore our positions as head of our household. All could have been avoided. 

I'd also take that magic wand and give everyone in my life some insight into how hard this role is. No matter what you say, no one wants to hear it because of their own prejudices and fears. It's the isolation that I wish I could solve right now.

shamds's picture

And be good parents and parent their kids well with basic respect, civility and boundaries.

this means non daddy mummy guilt or Disney parenting, this means not bringing in sane normal people into your mess when you haven’t addressed major relationships, children and parenting issues.

it still shits me to this day how hubby can say just be patient with skids for basic things like it’s unreasonable what i’m requesting.. like some have said here skids often have grown up entitled and never been told no so they push those boundaries further when a stepparent is in the picture because they can

Rags's picture

A commited partner that puts the adult relationship and their partner first above all else.  Being recognized and fully participating not only as an equity life partner in the relationship/marriage but also as an equity parent to any children in the home regardless of kid biology. 

decofru's picture

If BM could pack up and leave to a far away country with SS that would make life easier then will never have to see BM or have her calling DH at 9pm or anytime she feels like it for silly reasons. Never having to deal with annoying, attention seeking, lying and manipulative S12 would be a treat. Well ofcourse that can't happen so i think if DH would stop having unrealistic expectations like me loving BM's child like my own and we be one happy family, be happy with having him around all the time and forget that he is not our child because he actually has a mom and another home where he also belongs. If he can give me full authority in disciplining and grooming his child then life will be easy because i don't agree with his parenting or his weak disicipline methods. The way the child is brought up will affect me and also have an influence on our bio child.

ESMOD's picture

No Exwife.. lol.

Our situation was most difficult because of the EX.  If the kids had lived with us.. we would have done just fine.  They were mostly decent kids.. normal kid stuff and normal kid drama. 

young-mom's picture

Like, he s ten. Eleven. He lies- don’t tell me crap like he didn’t MEAN to lie. WTH? You think he doesn’t know what he’s doing at this age? 

Get rid of the internet and every games system we own and/that skid has been allowed to bring here.

Ms_Patricia's picture

if my DH would be more present when we have SD8 for the weekend and stop acting like it’s a damn slumber party (that I usually have to put an end to because he passes out early) when she’s here. My DH works pretty much every day which can be hard on me because we have two kids at home. Then when he drops SD in the mix every other weekend, that leaves me being responsible for her until he gets home. But he doesn’t really interact with her, he just tells her to play with our 5 yr old son. There’s just so much he lets her get away with and I always have to address issues or be the one creating structure, so then I’m “mean” according to SD. Oh, and he never sees when she is being disrespectful towards me. 

georgina29's picture

-Parent your kids. Stop defending their bad behavior. When they are being disrespectful, address it. Correct them and give them consequences. Stick to them.

-Do not expect, nor allow, your partner to do more for your kids than their other bio parent. Reassess your expectations and be reasonable. In the majority of these situations there is another bio parent who is actively involved in the child's life. The step parent is most likely the third wheel. Recognize this.

-Learn to tell your kids no and mean it. Tell them to stop interrupting adults constantly when they are speaking. Quit catering to their every whim.  If you give them everything they want, when they want it, they will never care about the needs or wants of others. They will be self centered and entitled.

-Stop venting to your mother (MIL) about your relationship problems. (This one is personal as I was with a mama's boy). Quit allowing your mother to pay for your things. You are an adult. Quit allowing your mother to acompany us on vacations constantly. If you cannot afford it you don't need to be going. Quit talking to her on the phone multiple times a day. Quit spending all of your free time at her house, hanging out with her. Quit allowing her to hang out at your house nearly every day. Unless you start having some healthy boundaries with your mother you will never have room for another woman in your life.

ColdArmy13's picture

If it wouldn’t lead to a big fight and put her in a mental state where she doesn’t get anything done, of screen shot that and send it to my SO. But.. pass.

Mcwilliams293's picture

Well, yesterday on the way to dinner my DW received a phone call from her , can't be away from mommy 20 yr old SS, he was fighting with his girlfriend. DW says to go by and drop her off at the corner of the street ( I am former Law Enforcement Officer 15 plus yrs), as we pull up SS and girlfriend are toe to toe outside on the sidewalk, a third female, I don't know her, in the middle of the street and another unknown male in the yard. As my DW gets out of the car along with 13 yr old SD, girlfriend runs to attack unknow female and then he runs and attacks both of them throwing his girlfriend to the ground face down and has her hands behind her, along while wearing his handgun ( mommy bought him last Christmas), since he needs to be a tough guy. I immediatley call 911, and let them know what is going on.

I get from my DW this morning that it was my fault for calling the police, that I had no right to call them since I did not know what was happening. DW says that I did it to ruin his chances to get ino the military, I told DW that we have two daughters and I would not want any male doing that to them during any incident. DW could care less, DW mad that her baby had the police called on him.

Anyway, last straw for me, I am moving out and moving on with my life, DW wants to be Mom and Dad, she's got it.

Rags's picture

Why is it that these idiots always blame the person who calls the police when crimes are in progress?  I hope they put your DW and her spawn in jail.

Good on you for calling the police and for moving on.  No one needs this type of trash in their life.

Steptalker2's picture

I’m fine with kids being kids but I need them to not be nast to me. No passive aggressive behavior, no covert jabs, no jealousy of me and DD, no possessiveness of DH.