Quietly frustrated...
I have been married to my DW for about three years, and I have 3 stepkids. I am 28, and my wife is 34. Sometimes I wonder if I've made a mistake. I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit where I do not belong. I find it easier to stay in my room when I don't want to be bothered. To do my own thing, just to maintain some sense of...self. Like all I'm going to do is give, give, give...and have nothing left. I have become more nonchalant about things lately, because I find it easier that way. When my DW wife asks me something pertaining to the SK's, I tell her to do what she wants, and to discuss it with the BF's. The eldest SS is 17 years old, has a different BF, and even with him, I refuse to spend my time and energy talking or advising him. He lives with his dad. I mean, I used to do the "right" thing (talking, bonding, advising, etc.), but he's disrespectful. But when I get pissed about it, and don't feel like being bothered...my wife feels that I'm putting her in between a rock and a hard place. Like she has to chose between her husband and her son. I do not like it when he comes to visit. I don't know if that's wrong of me, but I don't. So I do not really put myself out there with him. If he approaches me about something, then fine. But other than that...nothing. The SD's live with us. They are pretty decent kids (spoiled), but, like I said, I don't overextend myself. When I try to discuss things with her pertaining to the girls, she becomes defensive. So I refuse to express anything anymore. My DW has noticed this, and becomes angry because she thinks I don't care. But what am I supposed to do, when I know that no matter what happens...at the end of the day...I will always get the crappy end of the stick? I will NEVER be a priority. I have come to realize this. I don't complain about it, because she is a mother, and her kids will always come first. But what do I do? When we speak about different things, she eludes to something completely different and becomes overly emotional, and I end up regretting sharing anything with her in the first place. She either tells me that I'm complaining, or not to say anything about her kids, or that it's not that serious, or that I need to make more money. Even her family is becoming a problem. So, I don't bring it up. "It's easier that way." So...I "exist." Here when I need to be...and expected to fall back when I'm not. Required to do and be what everyone else wants, so that everyone is comfortable. I mean, kids may not even an option for me and my future with my DW. It's killing me...softly.
Gentleman&Scholar - I am
Gentleman&Scholar - I am sorry to hear you sounding so sad.
I don't know how to respond.... so I just wanted to say welcome and I hope that someone here can offer you some good advice. I have a hard time encouraging disengagement, but it sounds like that is where you are at right now. So hopefully someone else will be able to give you some ideas on how to proceed.
Welcome! I suggest that you
Welcome!
I suggest that you tell your DW that you would like to go see a marriage counselor. I would think she would be open to that, and it would allow you to talk about these feelings in front of a neutral third party who would help you to express yourself in a safe environment where your DW will have a harder time being defensive about it. It sounds like you two need a mediator/translator, so that you can communicate better about your needs.
Good luck, and keep posting. I hope you'll find this to be a supportive place to vent and get advice.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I agree with the advice that
I agree with the advice that the two of you need to see a counselor together. Her children can come first but your wife should not be invalidating your feelings. You are supposed to be her partner. Your feelings seem perfectly rational for someone in your situation. Bio-parents are pretty much ALWAYS going to become emotional, irrational, and defensive when you try to address their children's issues. Hearing a therapist make the same points you are will likely cause her to be less defensive. After all, she can't accuse a therapist who has never met her children Like you, I am the quietly seethe type but am trying to be more honest with my H about the things that make me unhappy. This site is a great help when you need to speak with others who can relate.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
I hear what your going threw
I hear what your going threw , I am in a similar situation , I have a Girlfriend Not married and have been living with her and her 2 girls - 11 & 15 yrs old - for about 2 yrs now .. I sometimes feel like this is their home and Not ours , I feel like an out numbered outsider ... I came into this relationship with the thought of helping them out because there Father hasn't done a good job of being there financially for them , and it killed me to see my GF suffer the way she did and sometimes still does financially .. she once told me she knew she couldn't do it with out my help and sometimes I fell like I am here only for their money needs , My GF & I have had our differences about how the house hold should be run , up keeps and the disrespecting from the kids towards her .. I sometimes get the vibes from the kids that I am not really wanted around and they are going threw there own things which I understand because of the parents divorce but it bothers me to come Home to an unwanted house hold .. So I too feel like I don't belong and may be here for all the wrong reasons , I've made mention that it is our home and I should have say in it also , but she thinks I am giving her a hard time about her parenting and that she isn't good enough , so I too sometimes back off about what I am thinking & feeling to avoid conflict .. Doesn't always work ! !
Theres alot more to my story which mat not be the same as your situation , but what your experiencing for feelings , I just wanted to say I understand how your feeling and maybe we can give some in site for each other and compare notes ..
It's good to hear that
It's good to hear that someone understands what I'm saying.
I know exactly what you mean when you say that you try to make mention of certain things, and how your GF may think you are complaining about her parenting skills...or something like that. I deal with that from my DW all the time. The only way I know how to deal with it is by not really saying anything at all. But that's not what I got married for. To just..."exist" here. I feel the same way about the money situation. I wonder if that's what my role here will be.
Question for U ? Do you
Question for U ? Do you have any kids of your own ? first thought came to me while I was reading your info is If you don't have any kids of your own with her or with anyone else , why do you feel so obligated to this Home for ? as a young man that you are , getting Married is a huge task and step all alone , Now add an already made family to that Marriage is got to be even MORE tuff ..
You have to ask yourself , " whats the benefit for this relationship " ? How do you benefit being with this Wife of yours and then how does she Benefit from having you in the relationship ? You two can sit there all day saying How much you love each other but thats an emotion , what about the reality of it all ? Your experiencing new emotions now because of this Love you two share , its called Step kids and the Financial burden your feeling because of Someone else's kids . .
Don't get me wrong , If your that kind of guy who wants to give care and support or financial support to her and her kids , then its something else thats bothering you , Only you know this question ..Everyone has Motive for what they do , good or bad .. Whats yours & whats hers ?