You are here

Sick & Tired with still dealing with Ex-W & 2 adult SK crap after 13 yrs.

BBall Mom's picture

My DH & I have been together 13yrs, married 11. We have 4 kids, adult SD 31yrs, SS 28yrs (married w/ 2 kids), my 14 yr old daughter (hubby adopted) and our bio daughter 10 yrs. DH was close to his extended family & has a group of friends since childhood. Problem is his Ex has done everything in her power to ensure that everyone hates DH. He is a real sweet guy and just keeps hoping one day "they'll" get over it. It's moving into 14 yrs now - and getting worse! Ex began dating her current hubby (publicly) same time DH & I began to date. They got married within months of us. Yet she cannot let go of her anger at DH and is constantly doing EVERYTHING possible to ensure everyone who knows him thinks of him as a horrible person, rotten father, etc. Reality is he's a sweet man who would help anyone who asked, he's an amazing father ( our 10 yr old is severely handicapped and he is incredible with her ), he has always tried to be there for the older 2, offering time alone for movies, dinner, their choice, etc. The 2 SK would NEVER want to see him - because Ex would always cause problems if they did. The times he did start to time with either child after their divorce she always find a way to ensure one of the kids got mad at him & stopped talking to him altogether! Usually playing the money game. Seems she never had money but DH is always supposed to hand over thousands of dollars whenever they ask and if he doesn't - he's the worst father in the world. Seems so totally ridiculous and its not so much the attitude of the SK - they'll grow up one day (hopefully) what is so much harder to deal with is the group of his friends & famly that never wanted to "choose sides" after the divorce. For years they have sat & listened to Ex destroy Dh, often in front of his kids, they never stopped her even for the kids sake. Then they see us and accuse him of these stupid things he is to have done (because Ex said so or now even SS says so) they won't listen to DH or me - since when did they get a say in how we choose to discipline our SK & it become community business? We never pass judgement on their relationships with their children - why do they think they have the right to attack DH then sanctimoniously say - they stayed neutral and have never chosen sides! THEN STOP LISTENING & ECOURAGING THE WITCH! Honestly, how can these people call themselves friends when they treat him this way! His kids are 28 & 31 - why should he still be giving them money???? or anything else they demand or be judged and sentenced by his friends & extended family who hear severely twisted versions of what happens or straight lies! When does this manipulation STOP already? Strange thing is , there is a second group of his friends that did choose sides and have had nothing to do EX - they are wonderful to DH & me & younger girls. My friends and family are the same - no issues at all! It's a nice happy life until we have to DEAL with another "situation" connected with his Ex or SK.s. We've gotten so tired of it and it was affecting our lives so much that we finally stopped seeing his extended family completely. He still speaks to his older brother and sister on the phone occasssionally, but no more family gatherings - there was seldom a sigle get together that he/I weren't attacked for "some" imaginary slight - sad thing is is always effected our younger girls as well - who have always been innocent and never done anything except cherish time with their older siblings, until the last few years - now they do not trust them at all (they've been disappointed, hurt, lied to, too many times). I've decided over the last while that I have had enough. The younger girls are my children and I will not allow this to continue to hurt them and effect them. When the SK were teens and early 20's I could explain that they were "growing up" well my 14 yr old is more mature and responsible than the 31 yr old! So we've completely closed the door on anyone who continues to attach him for things he hasn't even done because Ex or SS say so. The more we cut off from these people - the happier we are - problem is - SK will suddenly show up and within days there is another big blow up - full of lies again - at Christmas DH asked SS to get together 3 completely different days - SS said NO each time - he even had a n open house and invitied everyone in his family, wife's family except his father - then this past weekend we got supreme shit from "friends" because DH closed door on SS. DH shows up with gifts for grandchildren on their birthday SS will not let him in the house! Interesting how the so called friends didn't "know anything about that" yet still say it should be DH's responsibility to mend the relationship with his son. EXCUSE me - the MAN is 28 YRS old - when in the world does he take responsibility for HIS own actions? The 31 yr old - could only manage to "see us" over the Holidays once - then came to stay at our house the day we left on vacation for a week - we came home to find dishes all over the house, dishes piles in the sink & dishwasher empty, and the toilet plugged and full of crap and it stunk like hell & her dog pissed all over the carpet & the front door completely unlocked! She knew "nothing" about it. It was my 14 yr old who helped me clean up (because she knew how furious I was and she wanted to help - I didn't ask or expect her to). Then SD emails a few weeks back & wants to move in for 4 months - NO NO and NO. When she was told no - she then tried to hit DH up for some cash to which he responded NO again and offered to help teach her some money management & budget skills. (She has money for manicures & pedicures and dog grooming but not for gas for her car!) Now she is pissed at us and we're again hearing about it from "friends" that DH is such a bad father. When does it end? How can we stop this aleady? We've had enough, our younger girls have had enough, boundaries are up. We treat eachother with love, respect & consideration - we are finding it increasing impossible to settle for less than this from SKs - is there any way to make them understand that family rules apply to all members of the family? Will they ever grow up? Am I going crazy? Has the world gone nuts? What is it????

michiganmom's picture

OK, well I have been married to my husband for 1 year, but together 3. His kids drive me crazy. Seriously. His daughter plays him like a fiddle and he does nothing about it. His son is 12 and still sleeps on the couch because he's to scared to sleep in his bed alone. But we can't talk about it, because it embarasses him. I am with my step children all the time, and yet I am w/o my own children!! my daughter 26 lives in Wyoming, my son 20 lives in an apartment here, and my son 14 lives with me during school and with his dad in Wyoming all summer. I put a pool in for the family with some of my settlement money and my own children can't use it!!! I thought at the time.....but of course got talked right out of it. Why would I spend money on something my own child can't use...but my husband convinced me what a wonderful thing it would be..yeah for his kids who don't appreciate crap and treat me even worse. So tired of it. Not happy. I feel like I am in another situation and there is no reason for me to be here. If I can't be with my kids and family....why be here with sk who don't appreciate a darn thing I do.
thanks for any input....

LizzieA's picture

There are many of us on here who experience the same kind of crap. Somehow, no matter the facts, BM and skids are in the right and DH is the bad guy. In my opinion, it is about the hang-ups of the people who buy into it. In our case, we have major jealousy from DH's 3 sisters who don't like that he moved on with his life and was no longer at their beck and call. BM stupidly did a "he left me" and smear campaign--aided by Evil, SIL1, that ended up destroying some of DH's lifelong friendships AND his standing in the community he grew up in.

It actually backfired, we are 1000 miles away and DH and I certainly will no longer even try to help BM or his kids as long as they are in the "Daddy gimme mode." They are late teens. His approach is starting to work. They are taking more responsibility since he is no longer rescuing them from their constant stupid f-ups. It was a drama a week when we lived there. Ironically, BM is a horrible, slack, dumb mother who tries to be their friend. They got in more trouble after DH left than you can believe. Court, drugs, failing grades, pregnancy, the house is trashed.

Regarding friends and extended family, I think some people believe they HAVE to choose sides. Perhaps they relate too much to BM (the poor abandoned woman--yeah right), or they always were jealous of DH, or are jealous of you and him (they're unhappily married but don't have courage to divorce), they share BM's trashy mentality (evident from your SKIDS) or can't relate to DH and you cause you are too good/intelligent/civilized.

I think you are doing the right thing by cutting out the friends/family who give you a hard time. When it comes up, don't engage. Tell them bluntly it is none of their business or change the subject. They sure are ballsy to give you crap about SS.

And good for you for putting your foot down about SD. She sounds lovely. Firm boundaries are the only way to handle people like that or they will run all over you. Will they ever grow up? Maybe not. But their only hope is tough love. They might get it someday, after their kids turn into monsters.

I too have come to the conclusion that the world is going crazy. I have seen more personality disorders blossom over the past couple of years than ever.

PS it is a little easier to read when you break text into paragraphs.

Orange County Ca's picture

Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

1697 by William Congreve - English
In The Mourning Bride
Often misquoted as Shakespeare