So jaded...hate feeling this way.
My birthday is coming up. Our girls get excited about birthdays. We always try to make sure that each family member, adults included, have a lot of special moments around their birthday. Birthday Week is an actual thing here at you home. Lol
SD10 is with BM this week and sent DH a txt this morning asking when my birthday is. I have no basis for feeling like this, but I'm worried that BM is gonna try to fuck up my birthday somehow. I have a friend coming from out of town to stay for 5 days, we have all kinds of non-kid friendly activities planned (we have SD EOW, andmy BD6 goes to her dad on Thursday evenings)...I know I'm just getting anxious for no reason...I hope. And I also know that if BM tries to make plans and dump SD with us during her time that DH would tell her no fucking way and I wouldn't even know anything of it...
I hate this feeling. This paranoia. It's like the trauma from my past experiences won't allow me to think "Awwww, how sweet of SD to be thinking of My bday when she's with BM!" and feel all warm and fuzzy about it. 
Can anyone relate?
If BM does dump SD on you,
If BM does dump SD on you, can you and DH find a babysitter for an overnight visit so you have have one full day/night with your DH and friend? Maybe he could stay home with SD while you and your friend go out.
Every now and then my friends have a gathering of people and they like to play "Cards against humanity". It's basically a VERY adult version of apples to apples. Look it up if you're not familiar with either. Recently, my DW has been bringing SD12 over for their parties. First, I don't want to mix my friends with SD12. My friends don't have much consideration for behaving around children and I don't want SD12 exposed to them. Once they wanted to play the game and I had to ask them if we could play later since we had just gotten there and didn't want DW to leave yet. I've told my wife I don't like her going over there, even if its just for a quick visit. Maybe when she is an adult, she can be included more, but as of now, I don't want her to be part of that group of friends.
Sorry for the tangent.
The good thing is that my DH
The good thing is that my DH understands now the very firm boundaries we MUST have with BM in every area. She's one of those. Like I said, even if she asks, DH will,shut her down and won't tell me anything of it--he doesn't share any BM communication with me because our therapist recommended that and I'm honestly happier for it. DH's parents live close by, so if something were to come up, DH can tell. BM to take her to them.
Like I said, it's this weird paranoia. Gets my anxious. Leftover trauma from events in the past that were due to a lack of boundaries and my DH not fully understanding his role as a divorced father with 50/50 custody who is in a relationship. .
I was always anxious when we
I was always anxious when we had plans when the skids went to visit their dad. Plenty of times we'd get calls that we had to pick them up or he would just drop them off unexpectedly and it'd totally botch up the plans we had made. I don't have to worry much about that anymore since they don't see him anymore, but I hated that feeling. Of course I also don't have any weekend with them gone like I used to. Sigh...
I can relate. I still have
I can relate. I still have left over trauma from the 4 years of hell bm put us through.
My knee jerk reaction is always....now what???.....
It is slowly getting better. I never had experienced the CRAP bm put us all through. Changed the way I look at life now.....which is a bummer.
I want to heal from the experiences....time will hopefully have the trauma gone from my mind.
I'm really glad to hear your
I'm really glad to hear your report on counseling. Sounds like money well spent and even more important that you got a guy who is willing to listen and doesn't have to be right all the time.
We wouldn't be "us" without
We wouldn't be "us" without it! My DH has an open heart and mind. Sure, changes don't come right away, but he is so open and it's one of the things (one of the many!) that keeps our fire burning strong.
Yup I can understand your
Yup I can understand your anxiety. BM likes to do the dump too and FDH won't argue for supposedly two reasons:1) its easier than arguing with BM, and 2)he can't pass up an opportunity to spend time with his baby(she's 6)
He's one of those people that believe kids should always come first and I've had long out conversations with him about how important time together without the kids is important and why. He just didn't get it for a long time, but he's come around. I think it's mostly b/c of her behavior that he agrees with me these days then the actual reason of how important time together is. He's even lied to BM a couple of times now and told her when had plans already when she's tried to do an impromptu dump. Sorry BM, you're going to have to be a mom for once!!
That's exactly how my DH used
That's exactly how my DH used to be. To make matters worse, his parents used to live with us. If "we" couldn't "watch" SD, BM would still drop,her at our house for,DH's parents to "watch" which meant "we" got to feel guilty that we weren't spending time with her and doing our own thing instead. Our therapist also helped DH see the light on that one. She told us, no more "favors" for BM. She told us that DH's parents, as long as they were under our roof, could not do "favors" for BM during her parenting time. She said that kids can tell when they've been dropped off into a situation where they weren't expected or planned for (like the time we had a group of friends over, doing shots and pre-party before going out, and out of nowhere, with no warning SD comes running into the room--BM had dropped SD off to DH's parents), and that kids can sense the feeling of awkwardness...yeah, that situation got fixed. DH will still occasionally do "favors" for BM, but it's all on him, and mustn't disrupt MY life our household routine, or my BD6's life. If he can't "help" BM within those parameters, then he tells her no. This goes both ways for both of us, though it's not really necessary with my ex, because he's not a chronic boundary violator. I'm very lucky that my DH understands the value of adult time together and of putting the marriage first. I think at first, he was trying to have it all and be everything to everyone...it doesn't work like that. Now that we have boundaries, we have balance and our marriage is número uno. (Which is why it's crazy making that I am having this anxiety about SD asking about my birthday...we have everything set up and has been for like 3 years to protect us/me from BM and her boundary violations,..)