So tired of arguing
I am just so sick and tired of fighting all the time. I am probably overreacting but just all the bickering will eventually run you down. I have a fulltime sd 4 who is completely fine most of the time when me and her are alone. she acts like my friend; really grown up; behaves well; just a good kid. she is never rude to me or anything. accoding to dh she is great when she is just with him minds everything he says just amazing. I just can;t believe that I wish I could be a fly on the wall sometimes you know. Its a complete different story when all three of us are together. i dont mind the kid at all but I am always looking for an escape just to get her to stay with someone or me to get out to avoid the argument. Its like everything is a fight. Daddy I want some coke. "you will have to ask courtney" courtney can I have some coke " not until you eat dinner. here goes the screaming fighting tantrum throwing. i am the bad courtney. she never eats dinner maybe a bite or two but yet dh still gives her the coke. its constantly like that. am i so bad for not wanting my daughter to eat chips browning and coke as her only food? Is it so bad when its 30 degrees outside not to let the kid wear flip flops just because she wants too. Am I overreacting on the little things? Me and dh have talked about it over and over and nothing ever changes. i am not asking her to do a million different things and not being completely evil just trying to do whats best for the kid. Like yesterday she kept wanting to wear a spring short sleevless dress. i told her to compromise i would let her wear it if she wore a jacket and closed toed shoes bc its cold outside. thats not so bad is it? i told her if she had a problem with that she was not going to get to wear the dress to just be happy. she comes out of her room with highheeled flip flops on. I explained to her it was way to cold that she could take them with her and put them on when she got there but not while she was outside. so i go get shoes put them on her feet and hand her her others to take with her while she is being a little brat. i told her if she was bad one more time that was it. (keep in mind dh is in ear shot he can't hear everything but most of it he is catching) i go outside to crank the car when i come back in dh is walking down the hallway toweards sd room with the shoes that i had just fought with her about and physically put on her feet myself. i was like no i told her she had to wear closed toed shoes. dh says well she does not like those i said well grab some tennis shoes now infront of sd this is going on. courtney why does she have to wear closed toes if she doesnt want too its not that cold. so now here i am evil step mom. he eneded up getting her different shoes putting her shoes onto her feet like she is a princess even though he knows she can put them on by herself not making her wear and jacket and leaving while ignoring me. later he called and was like you react over the tiniest things. well yeah it was small but its not the point of the shoes its the point that you went against my rules 3 different times then talked about it in front of her and made me seem bad. i am so sick of that spoiled brat. its like he can't see that anything is wrong her. like she will be five soon and she def should be putting her shoes on by herself and not crying and jumping up and down when we ask her to do someting
He needs to back you up. He
He needs to back you up. He is undermining you at every turn. She is learning to play you guys against the other. Also, no soda. Really bad for a kid that age...
oh wow this is not going to
oh wow this is not going to end well if he doesnt present a united front with you, like jsmom said, she will learn to play you guys against each other. he may not agree with you on certain things, but it is not good to say that in front of her, he needs to take you aside so you guys can work it out and decide as a team. It is not going to turn out well in the future if he keeps calling you out in front of her. I also agree with no soda! my sd is 6 and she is not allowed to have soda, MAYBE sprite, but its mostly juice, milk or water.
I think after that whole shoe
I think after that whole shoe business I would have let daddy take her wherever it was you were about to or left her there with him.
If he doesn't want to back you up, you can disengage and let him deal with his little princess on his own.
See now this makes me sad.
See now this makes me sad. You are mad at this little girl and she is behaving the way any child would behave... Your man is the problem and he's making you the bad one.. I dont quite understand.... what he cant tell his daughter that she cannot have a coke, what's up with that. You know what I would tell her "have what you want" and as for the shoes same thing...I would tell her "go barefoot for all I care"....then see what Dad has to say.
He expects you to raise her, feed her, teach her manners and respect all the while he is totally disrespecting you..OMG I would so let him have it.. Trust me I've been there exaclty where you are and finally I just said to him and my SD do what you want I really dont care and then I took a bubble bath, put some music on, locked the door and had a nice glass of wine. I did this a few time and I didnt make dinner or cook, or do the groceries so they were on their own...OMG they did not like that so finally thinks improved...
Z
Exactly! If there is one
Exactly! If there is one thing that I have learned It's to not sweat the small stuff. What is the worst thing that could happen if she wears the flip flops? Her feet will be cold, and maybe next time she will choose a different pair of shoes.
As for the soda..I would revert the question right back to her dad, and if he says no, then he is the bad guy.
I know that you are wanting to do the best for the girl...but really, she knows that you are not her mom and will play that to every advantage. My steps daughters are 15 and 19, and they still pull that crap on me. Disengaging has worked wonders with them. I dont say anything about anything anymore, and I just worry about my own kids. Let daddy deal with the little darling. When she wants your attention, she will let you know. Hang in there!
You and your DH need to be in
You and your DH need to be in agreement on everything! Tell him that if he is not willing to back you up when you two are together, then when you are alone with SD you will simply let her do whatever she wants. Why should you struggle trying to raise this child who is not yours and enforce rules, simply so that when daddy gets home all of your hard work gets undone? Unacceptable! Also, tell him that if he doesn't want to compromise, he can parent alone. This does not mean that you should not take care of SD but anything that happens as a result of his poor parenting (ie: tantrums because one day she wont accept his "no" or getting a cold because she went out poorly dressed for cold weather) he will have to deal with on his own!
I've been a stepmom for 3
I've been a stepmom for 3 years now (ss12), and this third year we've all made remarkable strides thanks to some very worthwhile counseling. Something that has helped a LOT was putting discipline back in the hands of DH.
If you are forced into the role of primary disciplinarian, then you are deprived of the opportunity to just be there supporting and bonding with the child. Instead, you become the bad guy and DH gets to stroll along being the kind one all the time. It won't be long before that dynamic tips to a breaking point with the poor SM just feeling meaner and meaner while the DH gets kinder and kinder to make up for the big meanie. You will only come to resent both of them if the pattern persists.
Make DH own his parenting role. If won't buy into it, get good counselling.
It could be that when you arrived on the scene, you encountered a child with lax rules that had gone a bit awry, and all you really want to do is straighten her out a little. Whatever DH's prior philosphies on parenting, he can learn new methods that are good for all of you.
I agree with pixildust. If I
I agree with pixildust. If I were you I would back off from the parental role until you have agreed some groundrules for parenting his child together, for which you probably need counselling, so that a mediator can help him see where he is being too easy going and for the wrong reasons, and help you see where you can pick your battles and ease up on yourself in terms of trying to be the perfect parental figure.
You do have to pick your battles, but once you have picked your battles DH needs to support you for the sake of supporting you, regardless of whether he cares about the shoes/coke consumption etc, otherwise it's just negative for his daughter. At the moment I think your DH doesn't know whether he agrees with your rules or not, I don't think he's defined his rules or given it enough thought, he's just parenting on the fly swayed by his daughters tantrums and his desire to avoid conflict and have her happy. When you start co-parenting with someone who is not the bio parent and who has their own ideas about how their home should run, you HAVE to define your rules, and even write them down, so there is clarity and understanding and committment on both sides. Then DH will find it much harder to rationalise overindulgence and break the rules to which he has agreed, and will have to take more responsibility for maintaining boundaries with his child. At the moment he is not taking enough responsibility and you are taking too much.