so tired of hurt feelings
So I have been a step mom for 8 years. my stepkids are now adults 22 and 20. We have always had a good relationship. Their mother left and only saw them when my husband forced her to at first. Then there was about 3 or 4 years with no contact at her choice. I know I’m very lucky. My kids have always responded well to me. In fact, I’m the disciplinarian in our house. They have never pushed back or been mean to me as their step mom. We have had issued just because they were teenagers and we were parents, but overall i have been lucky.
They have told me before that I am like a real mom and their mom is just a friend, just fun. So they come to me with important stuff, questions and problems. All i see is they come to me for money.
The issue I am struggling with right now is that with their mom back in their life (initiated by the kids not her. if it were up to her it would be too much work and she wouldn’t bother) I am feeling very hurt. They make time to go have dinner and my 22 year old step daughter will often spend the night with her. But they cannot manage to find time to come spend time with me and my husband. My daughter keeps an old family picture of my husband and his ex and the kids out in the open. I did ask her at one point to put it in her bedroom instead of her living room. She has lots of other pictures of herself with her mom and her toddler sister all over her home. There are a couple of my husband and none of me. Their social media has pictures of them with their mom. Again a couple with my husband and none with me. Their phone backgrounds are of them with their mom. I recently saw my daughters office and on her desk are pictures of her and her siblings and their mom. None of my husband, none of me with them.
I know its not an issue of them not wanting their mom to see me in their photos. Those types of issues are long gone. I dont know if its an issue of just not caring about my feelings or being so self absorbed they dont realize.
I am so sad about it and im sad for my husband. This woman abandoned them. A mediator, when she wasn’t paying her child support, once made a comment it was like she and her family divorced this kids rather than my husband. She has said terrible things to them and was never there for them (nor was her whole family). That she somehow is more important than either of us.
I dont want to be petty. And if they want a relationship with her I can handle that. But it is so so hurtful that she is prioritized over us and that she is glorified in such a way.
I want to then just say then dont ask me for financial help, but i struggle with that because I have always seen them as my kids and i dont want them to be stranded with no gas or not have lunch. I know they are adults, they are still only 20 not 35.
Ive told them it hurts my feelings before and they just dont get it. They either are better for a short time or make it seem like we are petty and whiney. I just dont know what to do.
I'm so sorry It's one of
I'm so sorry
It's one of those risks... I'm the one raising the skids and inside I think I know this could always be a possibility for the future... And it's awful.
They're being self-centered and self-absorbed... I couldn't tell you if it's because they don't care or don't realize, but they are failing to step out of themselves and take a look around... I REALLY hope that they'll open their eyes soon for you. In the meantime though, keep us updated and lots of hugs your way!
It just goes to show that
It just goes to show that blood is certainly thicker than water. You have raised these children as your own making many sacrifices and are probably the largest component of why they have turned out ok. That said, they don't value your sacrifice or contribution. If they truly did, you would be in most of the photos around their home, not their mother who has had next to no involvement but in their eyes, gets all the rewards, status and glory of being the 'mother' figure.
If I was you, there wouldn't be any more money from me to them, nothing, nada. Adults, time to start adulting. If they need money they should go and ask 'mummykins'.
My stepkids live with us fulltime because their mum is a useless waste of air. I am not so naive though to think that she won't hoover up all the credit when they turn out ok, even though it will actually have been down to me straightening them out and insisting certain behavioural standards and routine are met. That is why I am adamant that they are out of the house at 18 and why I am adamant that the money tree will dry up then too. Maybe I have started disengaging without realising it but they aren't my kids and I won't be putting myself or my feelings on the line for kids who I know in the future will treat me just as your stepkids have treated you.
I am very sorry you feel so hurt and quite rightly so. Stepmothering is truly a thankless job.
thank you
thank you all so much. Ive been really struggling lately and been very depressed about this and lots of other things. I am actualy younger than my husband so we are trying to have more kids (everyone is completely onboard and excited which is helpful) but we have ferility issues and of course its all very hard and very expensive. So just knowning that on this one issue i am not overracting and can get a little perspective that maybe its not so personal. It seems like maybe this is a behavior of kids who have been hurt by a parent. That, as sad as it is, makes me feel a little better. I do need to start disengaging and financial withdrawing. Its been easier with my SD because she no longer lives at home and when her lease was up my husband - without my input - flat out told her she could visit but was not living with us. So shes far more independant now. But my SS still lives with us and is still in school. But its really my SD who exhibits most of this behavior. i will always be there for them but I am going to try to take a step back.