I just dont know how
Everytime something happens or I get upset, i say im going to take a step back. But it never lasts. For example, after I did my SS's taxes (hes 20) and he wasnt happy with his refund, he said he wanted to see a copy of his return. I was very offended and told him I would never not give him what is his. He swore that wasnt it that he wants to start "holding on to his own papers and stuff." Ok well if hes that much of an adult then why am I still paying his car insurance and cell phone bill. He has a controlling girlfriend which is where I think its all coming from but this is just one example. But everytime something like this happens i say then fine im not paying for anything anymore. Dont ask me for anything. But it doesnt last. I start feeling guilty or dont want them to go without. I just dont know how to let go. Take vacations for example. I want to go on a vacation but im having trouble finding one we can afford for 4 or 5 adults (the GF comes). I feel guilty not taking them. I want them to see and experience things. But at the same time if they dont appreciate me, why should i pay for their vacation. Somehow them being older is harder than when they were little.
There is no mention here of
There is no mention here of your husband- the father of your SS (let's leave BM out for a moment.) Why are you filling in tax returns for him? Is he disabled or does have special needs? Why are you paying his car insurance and phone bill? Why would you feel guilty about this? I am completely baffled...
This person is an adult, and what's more you are not even his parent.
Absolutely agree. I don't
Absolutely agree. I don't mean to sound brutal but they are treating you like a mug. Why would you pay their insurance, phone bill or pay for them AND THE GIRLFRIEND to go on holiday?!!
to clarify
My husband is supportive. if i say we arent doing something he will back me up. The BM is not really a factor. She doesnt support or help out in any way. She was MIA for years and has only recently been back in the picture. My SS will go visit her once in a while for a few hours thats it. He is a student so we pay for his car insurance and cell phone because we want him in school and doing well. This is why this is so hard. I have for a very long time been mom. I dont think i feel this way just because he is my SS i would be just as frustrated if he were my own. But I dont have my own so I dont know if thats accurate. I may not be his biological mother, but we are close. I am his mother or the closest he has had in years. As they are getting older though, I think I am having trouble accepting they should be more independant. I guess im afraid if i back off they will go lean on BM and that would be hurtful.
You sound like a really sweet
You sound like a really sweet person but it is time to look after you now, not them.
Kids grow up- it is why we
Kids grow up- it is why we have them, because of our good enough parenting they will become fully functioning members of society, contributing to the national purse, fulfilling their own personal goals, making healthy relationships of their own, and respecting their parents into their old age and beyond...that's the ideal. Most kids get there eventually but some don't. Some continue to be dependent on others financially and emotionally, they never achieve the things they dreamed about, and they find life-partners who mess up their lives and they don't respect their parents. This happens with bios as well as skids, and can sometimes be because of the parent's inability to let go. It's hard, I've been there. Some parents see their kids not as individuals with their own minds and self-determination, but as extentions of themselves. Some kids are so damaged by this that they never grow up. Think about this- you need to stop thinking about them so much and concentrate on yourself. What if SS hurts you by depending on BM? You need to realise that that would be his choice. We have to let our kids walk into fire sometimes, even if they get burnt. It is called growing up- some kids wil learn and avoid the fire, but some will just say-'Hey! I got burned once but I'm going to do it again just in case it is better this time.' Start to think about you- what you want your life to be... and be prepared to get hurt- that is what happens to parents who keep walking towards the fire...
...For example, after I did
There is another way to look at this. Asking to see his return is the adult thing to do. He should see the return that he is legally responsible to file. Asking to see the return is not an indication of what you would do. It is an indication that SS does not understand how taxes are computed and what filing a return entails.
If he were my son or stepson I'd sit down with him and go over the return with him. At 20 he should be part of the filing process.
Redo
SS can have someone else redo his tax returns some body really good, like pay for it. and refial and amended tax return
then he should be happy with all the money he’s going to get back. This is the last time you ever do his tax return
It appears that you are your own worst enemy in this picture
I get it and struggle with that sometimes myself.
I too am a pleaser, connector, and very much like helping people. As such I can find myself in situations where I have to put my foot down and say no or just get assertive and tell people what they are going to do in order to continue to enjoy my help and support.
Once I found clarity on this personal characteristic my life became much easier to manage.
Vacations is one of the things that Iearned to be assertive on a few years into my blended family marriage. My bride was hesitant to take vacations at all when the Skid was on visitaiton with the NCP (BioDad). She felt guilty about doing things without him. So for a number of years we didn't take advantage of our kid free time to vacation just the two of us.
I finally quit tolerating that and booked a vacation and told her I was going and wanted her to go with me but I was going regardless of what she chose to do. Since then we learned to enjoy our SKid free time. If we did something we felt the SKid would enjoy and should see and experience, we would do it again when he was vailable. But we did not forego vacations just because he was not available.
Ultimately it has worked out well for us. As empty nesters we no longer struggle with it as we used to though we did resolve it long before the SKid launched.