SS Stealing From DH's Wallet
So this morning my DH noticed he was $5 short in his wallet (he was yesterday morning too, but thought maybe he had miscounted). My SS14 gets up to get to the bus very early while we are alseep and just helped himself.
We had had a very hard time with him stealing things and lying a couple years ago, but thought maybe time had helped him to mature. Guess not. My DH had just started thinking he was past this behavior and started keeping his wallet downstairs again like a month ago (after keeping it in our room at night for a long time). He called him and he lied and lied about it, then eventually came clean saying that he did it because he owed the cafeteria money (he is on reduced lunch because of BM working the system). So even if he did, it would be cents, not $10.
DH let BM know and she has a very good way of telling him what he wants to hear, but I am sure she will not punish him in her home. Which is my question: should the punishment (for stealing and lying which are fundamental problems) be carried over between houses? Should he have a shitty weekend with her and not be allowed to live it up as usual? Or should we just handle the punishment in our home? I don't believe in punishments for attitudes or small infractions carrying over, but something this serious I feel should.
Please give me some ideas here, as I have NEVER had to worry about my own children doing this shit (18 and 15). He does go to youth group when he is with us and he plays baseball for the high school team. I am thinking that he should lose both of those for a month (at least!), and have to tell his coach why he is not allowed to play, but still has to go and sit and watch.
Thanks, guys.
Sorry about your sticky
Sorry about your sticky finger situation that you have with SS. In this situation as I don't know much about BM all you can do is give SS consequences in your home and make sure you follow through. You don't know if BM will punish him or even follow through because its beyond your control. Your H already told BM so what she does with that information is on her.
Just focus on handling the situation in your home and discipline him as you see fit. You can start by taking away his cell phone, no tv, games, whatever he holds dear to his heart while he's there. Your SS taking money is serious to me and needs to be handled accordingly.
I like everything you said.
I like everything you said.
A little about BM: she lacks consistency and consequences. She is more his friend. When she does try to punish, she NEVER follows through.
Earn it back
I think a logical punishment would be for him to work off the debt. 2 hours of pulling weeds, picking up dog poop, cleaning the basement, whatever needs doing he should tackle it next time he is at Dad's. It will also help him learn the value of money. Maybe offer him ways to earn his own spending money or encourage him to find odd jobs helping neighbors, etc. My kids always spent their "own" money much more carefully than mine......
I LOVE him working it off. He
I LOVE him working it off. He also has money at our home, but does not have access to it because he will spend $7 a day in the cafeteria buying shit food.
DH needs to call school
And find out what the lunch situation is. Even on reduced lunch, if it has not been paid for a month, it could be $5. I would not suggest keeping kid out of groupsl that help him develope. I agree with pulling weeds, etc for lying. BUT dad needs to find out what is going on, and tell kid, next time he needs to come to dad right away.
The lunch excuse is just that
The lunch excuse is just that, an excuse. He brings his lunch when he is with BM. Plus he had money in his account. He must have wanted to buy pizza which can only be done with cash, and not reduced lunch.
I would give a consequence for
the stealing. You can do nothing about bm's house. We have a bm who has no boundaries, rules or consequences and is a nightmare. We learned over time that you can only control your own house. On a different note, i have 3 teens and they are constantly buying the "extras" at school. They hate the hot lunches that are offered as the regular meal. We put a certain amount in their lunch accounts and tell them up front that if they blow it on extras then they will need to make their lunches or go without. end of discussion.
I think making him "earn" the
I think making him "earn" the money he stole is a great idea, and also a natural consequence. I might remove his door, since stealing means he is not to be trusted. Removing phone, electronics, etc. will also get his attention. What I probably would not do is not allow him to play baseball. I'm opposed to punishments that punish others in the process. Baseball is a team sport and his teammates might be counting on him, so if the offense had nothing to do with baseball, I wouldn't use baseball as the punishment unless I couldn't find anything else that was meaningful to him and would be effective as a punishment.
Don't worry about BM's house.
Don't worry about BM's house. Keep your own house in order behaviorally speaking.
We never worried about Skid behavior in SpermLand. We expected him to behave consistently because we raised him to behave but we had no say, control or influence over what went on in SpermLand during SpermClan visitation.
We did focus on his behaviors in our home and family. Particularly for the 7-10 days prior to SpermLand visitation during the pre-departure behavioral degredation and for the two weeks of post visitation behavioral detox.