wanting a child of my own...
I have been with my husband for 4 years now he has a 9yr from a previous marriage and i have no kids at all. This past year I have gone baby crazy, mainly because im 10 years younger than my husband and all my friends have been having babies. It is so hard for me to help him in parenting his daughter because she'll listen when i tell her something at the moment but the next time she comes i have to tell her over and over again. Im beginning to sound like a broken record. She never takes a shower with a towel just lets the water run over and ive noticed this for a yr now and i tell her all the time and she doesnt. I just dont care enough now to even correct her because it doesnt do me any good but stress me out! I want a child of my own i can raise and help mold. I know kids arent perfect but with her i feel like im not gaining anything by trying to help parent. When her and my husband and i go out they always walk ahead of me holding hands and im always alone. It hurts because since i was a child i was always left out feeling alone and now i feel alone in my marriage especially when shes around. Im not jealous of her at all im happy hes a great father to her i want him the same with our future kids(IF IT EVER HAPPENS) but i shouldnt have to walk behind them like i dont matter. They joke and point fun at me and when i ask them to stop he does but she keeps going and i get very annoyed. He's on and off about having kids. When he sees im frustrated and he thinks i want to leave then he wants a baby. But when things are good he's not ready. Im so tired of this rollercoaster than i may have to accept i will be the bitter step parent. I cant stand the whining the always wanting to have her way. She actually believes if we have a child its not her brother or sister because her mom told her that since im not her bio mom that any child her dad and i have arent her siblings. All i ever wanted was a happy family full of love, why am i so sad?
Shes here every other
Shes here every other weekend. from thur night to monday morning. He picks me up and drops me like a ball about this baby thing
First off, i really know how
First off, i really know how you feel. I want a baby too. Mine and SO's relationship gets pretty questionable sometimes though. After 4 years I still haven't left and we end up working through whatever is going on. Its really not perfect, but its always work.
Second, in order for us to get this far there was one major demand. We WILL have a child or we need to part ways. We broke up for about a month. Then he decided that he'd be happy to have another baby and asked if we could get back together. DO NOT give in on this one. Either he wants to or he doesn't. He needs to decide now.
Third, that hand holding and walking behind them crap gets on my nerves. SO doesn't hand hold, but I USED to walk behnd them. No more. I walk ahead of everyone. At the very least I dont' watch them walking in front of me. I follow no one. If you feel left out, then walk in front. As far as the joking and laughing at you. NOPE. Stop that now. Flat out tell SO "At some point SD will be a teenager. You being disrespectful and teaching her that she can behave that way to me, an authority figure to her, only teaches her to disrespect me. It ends now." I did this with SO and it stopped.
You can't help what her mother tells her. If she wants to believe your baby isn't her sibling. Oh well. But your decision to have a baby should be made by you and your DH.
I do feel your pain on the feeling ignored thing. My SO is way beter than he used to be, but he is still a disney dad who makes skid weekends all about them. What they want to do where they want to go etc. He becomes the circus clown for their entertainment. I have finally accepted that either I interact and try to enjoy activities with them too, or I go do my own thing. Either way, he's going to make himself "perfect dad" while they are here. To him that means ignoring even his own needs to entertain them.
Hope this helps.
I can't stand that whole
I can't stand that whole "mini wife" dynamic. In fact, Prince Hygiene, a BOY (i think), went out of his WAY to walk in front of me hand in hand with daddykins. He would literally try to "goat" me away.
Um, no. I don't ever recall walking hand in hand with my father while my mother brought up the rear!! No matter WHAT age I was.
I know all too well how it
I know all too well how it feels to be left out and walking behind them them holding hands...it makes me feel like the most insignificant person on the planet. I think these kids accomplish two goals when they are constantly holding or touching their parent...they are getting all the attention and they are staking their claim on their parent. Parent is oddly flattered by the attention or doesn't want to hurt their kids feelings without regard to other people's feelings who are involved.
I used to regret the fact that I couldn't give my DH another child but now I look back and I am really glad because I think he would favor his daughter over our child and that is not fair and not right for anyone and I am also afraid that SD might cause harm another child because her extreme insecurities and need for attention. That sounds harsh but that is the way I feel. I do have children of my own so that makes your situation different and it is very normal to want to have a child of your own. It is a big part of being a woman and a sacred bond that you would share with your partner.
thank you so much ladies for
thank you so much ladies for your comments. last night i heard him have a talk with her about listening when i tell her things about picking up after herself, and about SHOWERING! Maybe he could feel my vibe about everything and finally decided to tell her shes not 3 anymore shes going to 4th grade! i want to confront him about the hand holding and me left out thiing but i dont know how to. he will think im jealous and it will start a big argument. im also scared if we do have a baby he will still favor his daughter more because his dad even said no matter what child comes after her she ll be his favorite. my husband always says things like how good of a baby she was and he thinks our baby will be a whinny baby because of me and hes not ready for that. or he would talk about how atheletic built his daughter is and he thinks our kid will be unatheletic and small. It makes me not even want a child with him, im at the point to where there are days i dont even want to be with him and start over with someone without a child. i even say to him "why dont you have another baby with that manly built whore again then". he thinks i take it too personal but how can i not when ur already comparing a child that doesnt exist to ur daughter. i finally started talking crap to him to saying "well im sure my 9 year old will know how to use a cloth to bathe" or "how my child wouldnt eat a dozen donuts for breakfast"! i didnt want to hurt his feelipngs but he needs to stop..i dont know if a baby would be better or worse...I HATE THIS FEELING
"ill be a whinny baby because
"ill be a whinny baby because of me and hes not ready for that. or he would talk about how atheletic built his daughter is and he thinks our kid will be unatheletic and small. It makes me not even want a child with him, im at the point to where there are days i dont even want to be with him and start over with someone without a child. i even say to him "why dont you have another baby with that manly built whore again then". he thinks i take it too personal but how can i not when ur already comparing a child that doesnt exist to ur daughter. i finally started talking crap to him to saying "well im sure my 9 year old will know how to use a cloth to bathe" or "how my child wouldnt eat a dozen donuts for breakfast"! i didnt want to hurt his feelipngs but he needs to stop..i dont know if a baby would be better or worse...I HATE THIS FEELING"
response: If you don't want a baby with me, then just say so. Being insulting or creating excuses is not helpful.
You know what, it was ok for you to respond the way you did too. He's insulting a non-existant child based on your characteristics. He's insulting you.
I have a question for those
I have a question for those that have the follow behind problem...Why do you follow?
I would stop & wait for them to notice I was not there or (if they missed the stop & wait hint) turn around & find my own thing ... Goddess help them if I get the the car first, they'll be bussing it home.
I agree.I used to follow. I
I agree.I used to follow. I walk ahead now. If they end up ahead of me and get too far ahead, I stop too.
Nonverbal behavior is a strong communication tool
I feel for you Girl!!! I
I feel for you Girl!!! I have been in these same situations! I have one SD-12 and she used to be a real spoiled brat, until my husband pust his foot down! We both got tired of her behavior! Mine comes every other weekend though. I do like her and have decided to make a better effort to get along with her, and hey it worked!
I sympathize with wanting a baby, I made sure before I married my husband that he knew I wanted another baby of our own! It would have been a deal breaker for me if he had said "No". It's cruel of your husband to deny you that! Hopefully he will come around!
I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years now and we finally have decided to adopt a child of our own, I want my own little girl too! to raise the right way! My SD is the pickiest eater I know, all her mother gives her is junk food! It's a miracle she's not fat like her mother!
I really think that your
I really think that your husband would love any child you two would have. I think his heart would melt the moment he saw the baby! Hope things go better for you! I have had many a fight with my husband over SD and her mother. Hang in there! Love is really hard to find these days.
I too am wanting to have
I too am wanting to have children of my own with my wife. As much as I love my step daughter, there is a real yearning to have my own children, someone to carry on my name. I will say though that reading these posts, I feel very blessed for the relationship I have with my stepdaughter.