Well i moved out....................
My boyfriend has three girls going on 10, 12 and 14. When I met him they were 6, 8 and 10 - huge difference. Mom is not in the picture really as he took custody of them when the baby was 2 months as she wanted to do drugs and hang around with riff raff. So he took sole custody and mom sees them maybe twice a month for a couple hours.
We had actually initiated court proceedings in her favour a year or so ago when she was re-housed in a new flat that she hadnt destroyed and let get condemned. She seemed switched on for once and so with the fact that her mother was 2 flats over being a big factor he started to allow overnights. Things werent great but the kids were happy and we had every other weekend to ourselves.
Then she met a guy, messed the flat up, he broke the windows in some domestic or some idiocy. The flat became flea infested and rather than pay to sort a flea treatment and get the council to fix her flat (for free as she gets free rent as she doesnt work) she just disappeared into the wild blue yonder with this known druggy scum.
Yet the kids still wanted to see MUM. When are we seeing MUM. Mum the super mum - who has never been to a school parent night or even knows their teachers or taken them on holiday or even to mcdonalds! Mum who doenst know they are in girl guides or cubs or what subjects are in school or who their friends are or what the problems they are having are. I do, of course, but who am I? I am not Mum (thank god).
Anyway now she suddenly pops up saying she wants to attend the local village day to watch one of the kids in the talent show. Mind, she has never been to our town or their school or our house, the children dont like the boyfriend and havent seen him since the was arrested for criminal damage in her flat, and she has been denying even speaking to him for 9 months. Then she says to him that the kids dont exactly 'love' his girlfriend (me) so whats the problem with her having one?
Couple all this with the fact they are slobs of the extreme and the fact summer holidays are coming....I gave up.
I am now living on a peaceful little farm in a converted barn with a log burner and beautiful views. And a big old locked farm gate that is impossible to bypass.
Their reaction is weird. Ive heard 'im sorry we couldnt stop being so messy' a few times. If you were sorry why in three years are you still leaving the kitchen like the kellogs company exploded every time you have breakfast? It was a good feeling dropping it all on my partner and walking away. He can deal with all the annoying upkeep of their calendars and their crap and feeding them and taling them to parties etc that i was doing.
havent worked out my level of involvement now. Do I just seem him when they arent around? Or just cut ties altogether? I have such mixed feelings but i know moving out was the best thing ive done in years. i feel more sane now than ever, if a bit lonely...
It's a tough thing. If you
It's a tough thing. If you care about him and want to make it work with him you can try. See him without them. Be very clear you have no intention of being step mom and he isn't to depend on you for any help. Or let him know of certain conditions are met you'd come back and try to make it one big happy family if you like. Or cut ties and find someone else in time that makes you happy.
Realize he may have issues with any one of the things you say and if he's honest he'll communicate his needs too. It may not work out any way you go about it or it may. Good luck.
LOL thank you for that
LOL thank you for that post!!! My mind goes in every directions with "what if" and your reply sort of steered me through all of them xx
He raised them and has proven
He raised them and has proven himself to be an inept and waste of skin parent. Do you really want to risk spawning with this guy and then having him in your life forever? I say you have moved out so just move on. Find a man with either no baggage or with the character to be an effective parent and put you first.
Good luck.
Im 42 so kids arent and never
Im 42 so kids arent and never were in my plan! Dont know how the hell I ended up here lol. He loves them and they love him to bits hes not an evil person hes just got his own sh*t to deal with & i am not willing to carry it for him anymore.
Thanks for the clarification.
Thanks for the clarification. Take care of you. Shit carrying is for the young, the stupid or both. And I for one am for leaving it with them.
thanks - was just actually
thanks - was just actually reading one of your replies on another post. you have a way with words! lol
thanks - was just actually
thanks - was just actually reading one of your replies on another post. you have a way with words! lol
I also moved out but we are
I also moved out but we are still together.....
If his house is way to messy, I refused to go over, SO could come to me, without his brat... works for us
Im glad its working for you!
Im glad its working for you! I love your pirate quote haha. I am doing the clean your house or I wont enter it thing too and its amazing how much he can get done when before he had no time or no idea how to get started!!
I cant help feeling like I am being horrible. But I gave them all three years of my life and I really didnt ask a lot in return apart from having some pride in themselves and where they live.
Best advice...just reinforce
Best advice...just reinforce the decision you made to leave by going No Contact. Sure it hurts and is lonely, but it WILL get better as you distract yourself with a new life. I had to leave a partner whom I "loved" but who was basically bad news for various reasons. Best move ever, because it allowed new things and people into my life.
You will not change this circus by staying connected. I can just see it coming...BF will hoover you back into the fray "oh come see us, the girls miss you" and all of a sudden you'll be in servitude again. This guy comes as a package along with the drama. You cannot separate him from this package by dating him and pretending his family doesn't exist. No point in "still loving him"... He is not available.
I left my adorable arseh** and his circus almost six years ago. He still attempts to contact me. I block him every time because my life is so much better now. Leaving him did hurt but that does pass. Be strong and do what is best for YOUR mental health.
Thank you. I appreciate the
Thank you. I appreciate the advice and I know you are right. I am really proud of myself for moving out (was a big shock to them all when it actually happened)...just need to take the final leap. Time and space has already opened my eyes to reality.
Ready to do the same.
Ready to do the same.
I am also a female in a
I am also a female in a relationship where i cannot stand living under the same roof as SKids. I never wanted kids and after being with somebody who does have kids I am more convinced than ever that it is not for me. I don't understand the point of having a person who cannot do anything for themselves. I don't see any other solution but for me to move out. one kid lives permanently there and the other comes over every other weekend. The one who is not around is not the problem, and really i don't have a problem with the kid himself, my problem is that i am being left with this kid while mom goes out of town to work. I have become a caregiver by default just because i live in the home and i resent that. I resent it because i feel like i see him all week and she doesn't. when she gets home i want to spend time alone but we cant because she has to spend time with him. and as he gets older he goes more and more everywhere we go. I am afraid if i present my issues to her and i say i want to move out it will be the end of us.