I can't believe I'm saying this- out of my three bios, I have a favorite. I hope God can forgive me. This is the first time I've ever admitted it. I've had the same best friend since I was 6 and she doesn't even know.

Thank you Dru. But what really gets my guilt meter going is that I was my Dad's favorite, and he was horrible to my brother, so I have baggage in the "favorites" area to begin with. But I don't think that many people can say that they have a kid that, from the moment they were born, has given them nothing but joy. And that's how it is with my favorite. God forgive me. At least I've been able to hide my feelings from my kids.

The worst thing I ever did was to say 'boo phukkin hoo' to her one day...she called the probation officer and 'told on me'!
I knew that the probation officer was going to arrest SD at at the next meeting and I did not tell her beforehand. It was my birthday, seriously, on my birthday! The stunts this kid pulled are unbelievable!

I've wished harm on my step son's. Not like mortal injury or anything but sometimes SS's/BM/Disney Dad just get me so angery that for just a few moments I want...not good things. Honestly, I fear that some of the things that I've thought in weaker moments will come true someday and I know I'm always going to feel a little guilt for it. (ie. "I hope your perfect little angel ends up in jail someday")

My worst thing is handing my own bad habits off to my kids- being late and being disorganized. I sit there in school conferences and hear the teacher say they need to get more organized. We're often all stressed out because we're running around the house looking for stuff. ALL MY FAULT and I'm not preparing them well for life.

I've also sworn at my kids, but that's not a secret because obviously they heard me do it.

I privately think my son is turning into a nerd.

Worst thing I've done to SD: I have various knick-knacky kind of stuff hanging from several of the handles on my kitchen cabinets. One day SO hung a necklace of SD's up. It was at a time when things were especially out of hand with SD and BM. It enraged me so much to see it hanging there I yanked it down and buried it deep, deep in the garbage. It was only costume jewelry, but what kind of bitch does that? I mean besides me... (of course she never once missed it).

And now as far as my DH's kid, I don't feel guilty about anything. Heck, I was nicer to her than I am to our son. No guilt there. Just told the truth as I saw it.

For my son? Well, I do tend to curse. He has picked up some of it, but is good like his daddy most of the time and just says "there you go mom!" lol when I curse...my DH just looks at me. But at the end of the day, I know that I am doing the best I can, and that no two families are the same...nobody lives with my circumstances, so I just have to sometimes let things go because otherwise, they consume me and our family.

And now as far as my DH's kid, I don't feel guilty about anything. Heck, I was nicer to her than I am to our son. No guilt there. Just told the truth as I saw it.

For my son? Well, I do tend to curse. He has picked up some of it, but is good like his daddy most of the time and just says "there you go mom!" lol when I curse...my DH just looks at me. But at the end of the day, I know that I am doing the best I can, and that no two families are the same...nobody lives with my circumstances, so I just have to sometimes let things go because otherwise, they consume me and our family.

Since my step kids are grown and gone - I only have deep dark mom secrets.

I feel like I don't have it all together and I feel like I'm failing almost daily
I laughed my tail off inside when my son told me he wanted to be a girl for Halloween - he's almost 4 - and I told him to go tell his dad. My DH was like um no you don't. (Doesn't really matter to us but the look I see on DH's face is pricelss)

I do eat ice cream for dinner after they go to bed!

I guess I do have a stepmom one
I helpted talk DH into signing the paperwork to terminate his rights to SD. Not because I wanted her gone but she hadn't been a part of our lives for years and she saw her SD as her dad and signing them or not wasn't going to change that. DH was never going to be dad to her. Please don't bash me on this one. I'm a believer in nurture not nature - I'm adopted and just because you give birth to a child doesn't make you a mom.

DH thinks I want his SD's to come live with us because I think we could give them a better quality of life than their mother (which wouldn't be very hard to do). Although that's true, I really want him to get custody because of the ridiculous child support we pay every month. If BM didn't have the threat of taking him back for more to hold over his head, maybe he would actually have some balls when it came to dealing with her ghetto ass.

I've been so sick of the stuff the SSs leave lying around after they leave for 2 weeks that I've thrown it in the garbage. No care what it was... DS game or McDonalds toy, out it goes.

I hide the treats when they come over or else they will all be gone. I leave only healthy snacks available so there is nothing fattening they can put in their face when they are "hungry"... "but not for fruit".

No one in my house knows that I pick my own schedule and CHOOSE to work long hours the weekends they are here.

I think there is something wrong with them both "upstairs".. can't put my finger on it if it's a mental thing or a consequence to how they were raised.

I love my cat more than I love SS8 and SS10 and will usually put her first!!!

I blog about every single thing they do!!

And last but not least, my biggest secret about being a step mom is.....
I DON'T WANT TO BE A STEP MOM!!!! I don't like those kids, being around them or having them come over. I don't even like their school pictures.

Mine may be a little more over the top than others..... but I can't seem to control myself sometimes!!! Throwing out games is something I thought only crazy people do... now I find myself looking around after they leave to see what I can throw out!!!!

I wish my ss's 2 dogs would run away and get lost. (They live here (all 4 - 2 ss's and 2 dogs - full time) I hate those 2 dogs, they stink, cost so much money, and bark all the time. Now here's the worst, I wish my ss's would go live with bm full time again. I don';t like them

I have more: 1. the last time psuedo step lived w/ us it was a year. he was 20. When I took him to the airport so he could go back and live w/coddling/guilty MIL I was so happy I ran home and polished off a six pack.Hubby's car broke down or got a flat or something when I was on beer #5,and I loaded all 3 of my precious kids in my car to go get him. I still shiver when I think about it.2.My middle one got a rare and potentially fatal blood disorder when she was 4. She was in remission by age 5. Thank God. But I was actually mad at her for scaring me so bad.3. One of my kids was an accident.We had sex in a hot tub without protection, FYI you can get pregnant in that boiling hot water.

Thank you for the kind words Smoore.

1. I am on Steptalk. DH doesn't know to the extent I blog about BM and SD15.
2. I hate my SD15
3. Sometimes I really do not like my SS and I am ashamed of the things he says to people. (I can't believe I said that out loud)
4. About a year ago I started signing BM up for magazines. Lots of them. Gardens and Guns, Men's Health, Cosmo and many others...
5. Encouraged DH get rid of everything in SD's room. He saved three small boxes and that is it. I know he is going to regret it, but I don't care.
6. Happy that SD15 doesn't live here anymore. Guilty for feeling that way, but honestly happy.

I am sure there is more...but I think we have to have these things in order to live with this insanity.

I prefer the company of my dog to the company of SD. We have more in common and he's got better manners than she does.

I hide food from SD so she won't devour whole boxes at a time. I also hide the good sheets and towels so they won't get destroyed.

I think both BMs are devoid of intellect. They both think they are very intelligent and classy... but actually they are both trashy and common. We have good reason to believe that one BM used to have sex for money before she met SO. She also used to be in dirty movies.

I have never met anyone so spoiled as SD in my life.

I do a dead on impersonation of BM1. She has an unbearably annoying squeaky voice that she puts on expressly for manipulation...which is most of the time. It's like a cartoon mouse/baby voice. It's awful. And I'm really good at it.

BM's "boyfriend" gets extremely uncomfortable around me. It could be because he's jealous of SO (BM is still obsessed with him)...who is gorgeous and confident. SO thinks it's because her boyfriend thinks I'm hot. Honestly this makes me feel sorry for BM. And for her man. The poor confused bastard. He doesn't have a chance. I have to admit I am secretly amused by him. Sadly, I think he's a nice guy and he really cares for BM. She's stringing him along while she pines over SO... and that sucks.

I wish SO had never had sex with these women. They have been using his kids as a means to control him ever since. Sometimes I want the two of them to go off a cliff together, Thelma and Louise style. One of them is kind of gay anyway... Yeah...

Another one: I know I will regret saying this, and everyone here can feel free to say "I told you so" when I come back here crying about it, but I hope we do wind up getting full-time custody of the skids ONLY so that they go to their BMs EVERY weekend instead of the other way around. The way I figure it, the weekdays are already shot with work, homework, chores, earlier bedtimes, and so forth. I absolutely live for the weekends and they would be about 1000% better if SD wasn't part of them. Another choice could be having her 1-2 weekdays every week, then cut back to every other weekend. Only having her 1/2 the weekends would still be 500% better. Again, I will probably turn out wrong about this, but I swear SD would be easier to tolerate on weekdays when there are actual routines than on weekends where her dad thinks anything goes.

Speaking of anything goes...another minor evil secret was the total glee with which I watched SD careen and babble about the house until midnight last Saturday after SO let her have a 16 ounce Pepsi and full access to Halloween candy. I thought it was hilarious.

My other Big Secret: the main reason I get ashamed if my son misbehaves is because I don't want him to compare unfavorably to SD's behavior.

My deepest darkest mom secrets differ greatly from my deepest darkest secrets about BM I can share the mom secrets with you, the secrets about BM may get me in trouble...

1. I lack patience with my youngest daughter. She has a challanging personality and I don't always deal with it well.
2. Anytime SS says something that I KNOW he got from BM... I tell him "ew that was ugly, don't say that again" even if it is just something silly that I have heard her say before. I don't like thinking about her when I look at him.
3. I have a really bad back. Once I faked that I threw out my back so DH would take care of the kids for the day I needed a break.

I put so much effort into making a successful "blended family" that I fear I didn't pay as much attention to my bio-son as I should have.

He was a "good" kid. My skids were good too, until later teen years - but BM was a constant thorn in our side. It was easy for my son to get "lost in the shuffle" so to speak.

1. I'm on Steptalk
2. I sometimes volunteer for business trips that I could avoid, just so I can get away
3. I often close to the door to my home office just so they will think I'm on the phone & leave me alone (during work hours)
4. I secretly gringe when the school bus pulls up in front of our house each afternoon (I feel awful about it, but I do)
5. I added up all the $ FDH's kids cost me just this year and it's over $20k...I really resent if even though I give to them willingly
6. I feel guilty for not helping SD improve her reading skils - I just don't have the patience

I better stop now...this is too depressing

1. I'm on StepTalk..DH doesn't know.
2. As hard as I try...I do not like my SD11. I tolerate her but beyond that I got nothing.
3. I have thrown out SD11 things that were left in Mine and DH's bathroom and/or Mine and DH's room and when asked had I seen them I said NOPE! In my mind she is leaving her clothes and whatever else in a place that is specifically mine just to mark her territory.
4. I seriously let this kniving little kid make me doubt myself and my judgement.
5. I used to blame BM and DH for all SD11 actions but I'm beginning to see it is her own personality that is a big part of the reason she is the way she is and I'm actually glad to see that.
6. I can honestly find nothing that is positive about SD11.
7. I let it hurt me that SD doesn't like me and is only nice to me when she is using me.
8. I am happy when she is not there and am never glad to see her come home.
9. I have never seen such a whiny ass, annoying, moody, self righteous, little beast in all my life.
10. I feel better after writing this

As a mom my dark fear is just not bein good enough. Period.
As a step mom, well let's see.....
I don't like the kid. I glare at the kid when I do see him. I have thrown away his toys he has left out. I have purposely stayed at work, literally doing nothing, just to avoid being around him. I have had dreams of hurting this kid. Nothing extremely harmful, not death or hospitalized, but more of a shake the shit out of the little fucker! I'm grossed out by this kid. He picks his nose, his butt, his crotch and then smells his fingers. He wipes his snot and boogers on my furniture (when he isn't snacking on them) and literally chews on anything and everything like a dog. He's not disciplined or repremanined for anything and if he is it is the most ridiculous, worthless, ineffective punishment I've ever seen or heard of. He is mean to other kids to a point where I don't trust him around my baby. He smells, and always has a stupid look on his face. At 8 years old they still dress him and bathe him, and once that I know of grandma wiped his ass!
The way his grandparents are raising him is hurting him. And it's a shame! The lack of parenting that dad does on weekends is adding fuel to the fire.
I don't like this kid and have no intentions of trying to like him!

Hello, I am a step talk user.

I have a visitation calendar in my office. I can tell you, at a glance, which weeks we have SD10. Because of this, I chose to accept or decline invites to do things, movies with friends, work functions, etc. based on when SD10 is at our house. Common enough right...I"m sure all of you have done this too.

I am a "before bed" showerer/bather. So, if SD has a sports practice and is due to come home about 8:30, for example, I plan my shower/bath for just at that moment.

I don't do these things as much as I did early on in the relationship...which was alllll the time. But out of habit, I still always glance at the calendar when someone invites me to something.

Oh yeah...I never book vacation time when we have SD at our house and she's off school.

Oh...and a few years ago, I deleted some pictures of DH's "old life"...(the ones with BM in them).

I love my dog more than SS and SD. In fact, I don't even like SS and SD. I hate when they say they have a dog. You don't. Your dad and I have a dog, she is not in any way yours.

I won't let them eat any of the good food while visiting.

If I know they want to watch a movie or TV show that I plan to watch, I'll tell them no and wait until they leave and watch it myself.

When they give DH school art projects or school pictures, I put them in a shoe box in the bottom of the closest so DH doesn't even have time to think about hanging them up in our house.

I refuse to cook or clean up after them.

I put a very strict budget on DH for buying skids birthday/Christmas gifts but will not shop nor wrap the gifts.

SD16 stop bleaching your hair blonde then dying it purple, you look like an idiot. By the way, we all know you are overweight and wearing clothes 2 sizes too small, stop changing into sweats and blaming it on the dryer "shrinking" your jeans. Also, slippers are not shoes. They are slippers, hence the name. You look like an idiot.

SS10 please try to act your age and have an actual conversation. I don't care to decode what you are saying, you aren't interesting enough. You are fat and you sweat, its okay, learn to love playing football. A baby blanket, really??? You shit yourself everyday until you were 9, seeing you sit on my couch still grosses me out.

Wow, I got totally carried away with that rant. Felt good though.

worry myself to death over the decisions I make; I let too many things eat me alive!! and don't follow through on more important things......I worry about how the bathroom looks more so then punishing the children for misbehaving.

My biggest is the hope that SD will just move back in w/ her BM - everything was so nice w/o her living my house.....I feel bad for that and DH would be mad but I just can't help it. I am trying to push her BM for "set" night w/ her just so I can look forward to going home.

1.) Sometimes I worry about whether or not taking full custody of my daughter was the right move. (Her father was frinking and driving with her in the car.)

2.) I worry about how not having her father in her life is going to affect my daughter.

3.) The sence of relief that I feel once the skids leave. It's not that I don't want them there it's just life is so much quiet and easy going.

4.) Sometimes I wish that SO had never met his ex and had children.

5.) I see some of these posts on here about having their steps every other weekend and am jelous. We have the kids every other week.

6.) Sometimes I hate FSD(6). She is manipuative and I don't think she has any feelings of remorse.

7.) I think that FSD(6) has something worng with her like a personality disorder or the beginning stages of a conduct disorder.

8.) I hate how clingy the FSK's are with SO.

LOL@Kat....

I forgot one...I am really jealous of you all who only have SKs EOW or even who have custody and get to have free weekends every other weekend...so jealous. SD11 is with us all the time and no set vistitation with her mother so you never know when she is going to be there and when not (which is hardly ever) DH's weekends off are all about her. When we go anywhere it is where she wants to go, which isn't all that bad in it self but... when we get there she is all over DH like they are on a date. SO hell yeah I'm jealous of you EOW...but I love yall anyway

Gosh I have SO many I could share, both my own as a mom and potential sm...

The biggest ones are: I HATE the fact that he had sex with that disgusting lesbian, abusive, white trash BM, and had a kid and didn't test at the time, and that he married her even though his parents warned him against it.....I secretly sometimtes wish he would finally do the legal paternity test that shows the truth and this chapter would just dissapear into space where it belongs. No SD, no BM, no guilty dad/grandparents, no CS, no EOW crap.

I also hate the fact that I married my exh, and had kids w/him....I hate that, I really do, I chose a loser, deadbeat, sperm donor, abusive, irresponsible, lazy asshole for their father and I feel HORRIBLE about it. I feel bad and self-pity for me and my kids about that.

dupe

I would never want anything to actually happen to her, but I have frequently thought about how much easier all our lives would be if BM had just had an abortion like DH wanted her to. I know that sounds really bad, but when 99% of all the arguments and stressors with my IL's are directly linked to SD it is easy to have those kind of thoughts.

As a MOM:

I worry that I don't spend enough time with my girls. Their father is really great with them - but I still think I should have them more.

I worry that the reason they we don't spend more time together is because of my SS. They don't like him and the house changes dramatically when all 3 kids are here. But we have SS full-time with no breaks. I don't like him either and have a hard time being upset with my girls for not wanting to spend more time here either.

As a SM:

No matter how much I've tried - I have no good feelings for this boy. Everything I've tried is thrown back in my face. The only time he bonds with someone is when they pity him (due to his rough early childhood with BM). He feeds off their pity and sympathy. He then manipulates them and their feelings of "trying to be helpful". I've explained to well meaning friends and family that it is more important to treat him with empathy - but expectations that are in line with other kids his age. To let him skate by doing less is a dis-service to him... Perhaps this is why he and I don't get along?

I've truly wished that his BM would have aborted or given him up for adoption instead. I've yet to see WHY this person was brought into the world. He only costs money.

We went to Mexico this summer for DH & I's wedding. SS ate like a pig at every chance he got. Including snarfing down most of the snacks that were purchased for the vacation house. (DH & I were staying in a separate condo since it was also our honeymoon) The kids stayed with my mom and brother, so there was supervision - but no one told him to stay out of the food. When he got REALLY sick the day after the wedding - I felt NO PITY. If he is too stupid to not gorge on food (and probably drank the water out of the faucet - even though told not to) then you get to suffer the consequences. And I made a point to not let anyone else pity him either.

I am counting the days to his 18th birthday (712). If he is not signed up to go to the military by his 18th bday he will be evicted from our home. If he is signed up for the military - then we will allow him to stay to finish high school. And I don't feel guilty about the glee I have in this thought.

I'm going to get slammed here, I know, BUT I have to say I am appalled at some of these posts! I get the whole Skid thing and how some of them are truly little brats, etc. BUT what everyone needs to keep in mind, and this is what I do when my SS is annoying me or I have bad feelings towards him: truly treat these kids as you would your own! And that includes discipline, guidance, love, encouragement, etc. Any time they are doing something that is annoying or bad, ask yourself :"If this were my biological child, what would I feel/do?" and then act accordingly! Just my opinion....

I understand that it's not that simple, I truly do. It's just that I could never imagine wishing my SS was never born or was "out of the picture." he is a child! He didn't ask to be put in the situation he is in either! Maybe I just have it easier than some SM's because my SS, who is 13, and I have a great relationship and I have been in his life for over 10 years. Didn't mean to offend anyone, being a SM is hard at times....

I once had a dream that my SS tried to kill my BS. I know it was a dream, but it freaks me out a little when they are playing together in a bedroom with the door shut.

Sad Step, I had the same dream before! But I think my dream was based of off thongs that happened in real life. One time when my bio son was about 18 months, my SS was around 6 at the time, I was driving and they were both in the back seat. My SS asked me "what would happen _____ got a quarter in his mouth?" I said "well, he would probably choke on it." he said "would he die?" I said "well, I HOPE not!" and of course, RED FLAG! I look int rearview mirror and my SS is trying to shove a quarter in my bio sons mouth!

You all make me feel so much better about my evil thoughts! lol.
My deep dark secrets:
- I truly despise my SS15. He's lazy, he's a slob. He sneezes over everything in the house. He'll go to the bathroom, then wash his hands for about 3 seconds (grosses me out, I'm big on handwashing). He leaves more crumbs on the table/chair/floor after a meal than my 7rd old. I would never, ever share a fork/spoon, anything that he's touched. I almost have a phobia of him lol.
- I love my husband so much, but I often wished I'd just continued to date him and live in my own house, so I wouldn't have to deal with Skids.
- I also count down the days till we have to stop paying BM CS, especially given that she makes more $$ than DH. But at the same time, I'd rather he pay that than have them live with us FT!

As for being a mom, I sometimes favour one child over the other, but it switches depending on the day/mood, so I guess it all balances out