World War III
You ladies who are at war with your step-children are making your own bed of roses and are bound to lose the fight. The children are like guerilla warriors - they don't have to win they only have to wait you out. They've got time on their side. Whenever they get a reaction out of you they've won a battle. They know they can't win the war but they know they can't lose it either.
You think when you get angry, disgusted, miffed or whatever that they don't go in their room and smile? Each and every time. Meanwhile you're fuming and flustering and running to post another pique on StepTalk. With disengagement that never happens. You've pulled the power rug out from under them. I've seen my step-kids and read about other step-kids who were tongue tied flabbergasted when I didn't remind them to empty the trash and their mother handled it. Want to go to the mall you say step-child? Your Mom said don't call her at work? Sorry dear girl you should have thought of the repercussions when you lied to me and got me in trouble when I said yes after you had asked your mom who said no. Now I won't give you permission to do anything at all. Karma is a bitch and so am I.
Ever wonder why some of those step-parents who come here totally disillusioned and are advised to disengage never come back? They have no reason to. Oh I'm sure there are still some problems but none are of a size needing outside help. Ever see any of them come back and say it didn't work? Sure, but they found out they didn't fully disengage. Some just can't help but parent - its instinctive and understandable. The leavd again understanding they've got to try harder. Try harder to not try that is.
So ladies and yes a few gents' keep up WWIII and see who wins in the end. Hint: you'll be too mentally injured to know.
I am so disengaged I don't
I am so disengaged I don't quite know how old DH's oldest kid is, LOL!! It's very freeing. I haven't laid eyes on a skid in three years. Fantastic.
Testify OCC!!!!!!! That way
Testify OCC!!!!!!!
That way lies peace of mind, sanity and freedom.
Can I get an amen?
I pretty much disengaged
I pretty much disengaged after getting great help on this site. It's worked for me! That and working again have literally been a life saver. Does SD still annoy me sometimes? Sure - but each day I get better at not caring about stupid sh*t.
Here's hope for you all.... I
Here's hope for you all....
I disengaged and within a very very short time, SS was sent to live with his BM. Didn't choose to go, he was sent!
how do you disengage when
how do you disengage when your partner doesnt want you disengaged? Is that when you must disengage from the partner and leave the relationship?
or what if the bio parent (father) needs to disengage from the child but refuses? your advice to me on this matter, OC, has made so much sense, but falls on deaf ears at home.
i dont want to have anything
i dont want to have anything to do with SD, period. i dont enjoy sharing meals with her because she's a pig/slob, and i make myself scarce during visitation. my fiance wants me there for everything but i cant stand it! and i know SD is happier without me around too. i just dont know how to convince my fiance this makes sense!
we refuse to pay for private
we refuse to pay for private school and honestly SD is a moron and probably couldnt get in anywhere anyway.
BM would take her full time, and i know SD would prefer not to have to visit (and half the time she doesnt and no one forces her!). however, i think my fiance has guilt which is why he wont walk away.
I used to quilt and have been
I used to quilt and have been thinking about taking it up again!
So, OCC, this is the first
So, OCC, this is the first post I've seen you start and has been a good read. But seriously, if you say that people leave ST because they learned how to disengage and therefore had no need of the site, what are you doing here? That's a genuine question for me, I'd love to know what you get out of it apart from a good laugh from time to time. Speaking as one who disengaged before even discovering the site, I don't though agree that disengaging cures all ills. For example, it can cause problems in the marriage. A lot of the posters here have an issue with the disengagement kind of spilling over into their marital relationship, so that balancing that becomes a work in progress. Then there are situations where the skids/spouse relationship is still difficult even if one is not interested in the skids. For example with abusive individuals, bereavement, disability, theft, skid needing a lot of money spent on them, and so forth. Those are still things that it helps to discuss here despite being disengaged.
I like ST because it gives me a lot of insight on many levels and some of the posters are wonderful fonts of wisdom. It doesn't have to be WWIII before you can get a lot out of venting and reading here.
So go on, tell us why you're still involved.
I didn't say everyone left.
I didn't say everyone left. You'll see the word "some" up there.
I stick around because of the hot chicks.
LoL!
LoL!
LOLOLOLOLOL! You have
LOLOLOLOLOL! You have certainly saved my sanity a few times OCC.
Disengaging is the only
Disengaging is the only reason H didn't end up in a garbage bag......in the trunk of my car.
Never use your own car. I
Never use your own car. I just watched an episode of Motive, so this has been on my mind, LOL!
LOL!!
LOL!!
It is sadly the spouse who is
It is sadly the spouse who is most often the problem. The kids are just often following their parent(s)ways. In my first marriage I had a child who was the classic tester, and she never could have gotten away with what she did without her father enabling the behaviors. IT was amazing to see as her sense of power grew she started doing things that drug her father into the fray. Oh my did he change his tune then, and not immediately but with much time her behavior started to change as well.
I blame the parents, in most cases! I think back on every problem that I have brought to you kind folk, and they all have originated from the adults, who them pulled the kids into the mess.
That's the problem perhaps owning up to the truth that the people we chose as life partners not only will save their kids first but themselves as well too! The day of that realization is a sad day indeed. You realize you are bet aloe and at worst in hostile territory. maybe that's why some don't return....