LOL - gotta love those statements - the one from other people external to the marriage - you knew he had kids before you got married'!! I seriously want to punch them in the face when I hear that pearl of wisdom...
People really don't want to believe that people really can change AFTER Marriage. It is either one or two processes: 1-They are purposefully hiding things, playing the game of keeping appearances and making serious effort to make things peaceful and work out. 2-OR they actually Change after the Marriage. Either way, after the Marriage, they have what they want-- a life partner. Then they relax and all hell can break loose. And in cases of Step Parenting, we're not just dealing with a Spouse but with their Ex's and their Kids which means a whole new set of people of whom can create hell too.
There are very few of us who'd go into the situations we currently live, if they were this way when things started.
I'll take option #4. FFFFFFFF them and anything that has anything to do with them! I'm a happy girl with or without them! Right now, it's without and I'm even happier! LOL
Echo, I must respectfully disagree. I'm one of the most "eyes wide open" person one could encounter. I was in mid-30's when I married and had no Giggly dreams of picket fences & fresh-faced smiling kids. There were no rose-colored glasses at all. I did my homework, spent the time, talked to, talked about and observed like a hawk because my life was at peace and I was determined to keep it that way. All was in as decent of an order as I needed to see, to happily proceed with marriage.
However, I'm not so arrogant as to assume that things can't change in unforeseeable ways. Sometimes nothing but an experience itself will reveal who a person is, what a person will actually do and all the best laid plans and discussions and even past actions can sometimes give no indication. No one can factor in all of the unknowns and no one is fool proof so sometimes even with eyes wide open, you can't see everything.
Finally, Girlfriends and Fiance's are not at the same level as Wife or Husband so the priorities actually ARE different. I'm not going to drone on in details here. I agree that many times people do choose to ignore the obvious and do imagine a fantasy life that has no basis in reality at all. That is a tragedy. But I do know that not everyone who does not see what's happening in advance, are not idiots because people do change, situations change and simply knowing someone has an Ex and Kids, it doesn't mean it's always possible to Know What You're Getting Into...
I know what Eyes Wide Open means and I dated "long" enough though that doesn't imply that in 1 Month or 20 years one can still see every sign of what's to come. Rarely is there a situation, Kids and Ex's or not, that is hunky, dory beautiful and a walk in the park. I do not think most people, at least those of us over 18, are believing that or even expecting it. Likewise, rarely is there a situation where it's nothing but Shit Everywhere all the time, all of a Sudden. Those are two extremes and most people live somewhere in the Middle. I know Extreme views are the "mood" of the country in general right now, but most of us live in the middle of the Good, the Bad (which is vented here) and the Unforeseeable.
If I ever get to the point where I'm as clear and perceptive as you apparently are, I'm gonna become a 900# psychic!
My DH and I dated 3 years before we got married. His ex wasn't a nightmare until we got married and then she turned into a vicious bitch and has tried to get the kids to break us up since. The kids were pleasant when we dated. Boy did all that change.
I don't have the time to write the crap she has done, but it's been horrendous. My DH(eyeroll) never stood up for me ONE time in 8 years. He just stood there with his thumb up his ass making excuses for his kids and their completely rotten behavior and his out of control Ex. He would tell me to "fight it out with her" myself.
I did adopt to FO attitude and have been raving bitch ever since. I also started counseling a month ago.
LOL - gotta love those
LOL - gotta love those statements - the one from other people external to the marriage - you knew he had kids before you got married'!! I seriously want to punch them in the face when I hear that pearl of wisdom...
People really don't want to
People really don't want to believe that people really can change AFTER Marriage. It is either one or two processes: 1-They are purposefully hiding things, playing the game of keeping appearances and making serious effort to make things peaceful and work out. 2-OR they actually Change after the Marriage. Either way, after the Marriage, they have what they want-- a life partner. Then they relax and all hell can break loose. And in cases of Step Parenting, we're not just dealing with a Spouse but with their Ex's and their Kids which means a whole new set of people of whom can create hell too.
There are very few of us who'd go into the situations we currently live, if they were this way when things started.
SO only said it once after I
SO only said it once after I moved in with him. My reply was " Yes I did, but you all lead me to believe you were NORMAL!!"
I heard this from someone on
I heard this from someone on the weekend- almost poked her eye out
I couldn't have said it
I couldn't have said it better myself. There were no "surprises" after DH and I got married .. he still had kids and a bitter ex-wife ..
So, by that standard,
So, by that standard, soldiers going to war have no right to be hurt if they are shot?
Or, If you vote, you have no right to complain about your government?
My new response to the phrase "you knew he had kids when you married him" is: "He knew I didn't."
^^^^That's what I've done^^^^
^^^^That's what I've done^^^^ Turned over a "new leaf" - disengaged, decided that MY happiness was what I would strive for.
I'll take option #4. FFFFFFFF
I'll take option #4. FFFFFFFF them and anything that has anything to do with them! I'm a happy girl with or without them! Right now, it's without and I'm even happier! LOL
Echo, I must respectfully
Echo, I must respectfully disagree. I'm one of the most "eyes wide open" person one could encounter. I was in mid-30's when I married and had no Giggly dreams of picket fences & fresh-faced smiling kids. There were no rose-colored glasses at all. I did my homework, spent the time, talked to, talked about and observed like a hawk because my life was at peace and I was determined to keep it that way. All was in as decent of an order as I needed to see, to happily proceed with marriage.
However, I'm not so arrogant as to assume that things can't change in unforeseeable ways. Sometimes nothing but an experience itself will reveal who a person is, what a person will actually do and all the best laid plans and discussions and even past actions can sometimes give no indication. No one can factor in all of the unknowns and no one is fool proof so sometimes even with eyes wide open, you can't see everything.
Finally, Girlfriends and Fiance's are not at the same level as Wife or Husband so the priorities actually ARE different. I'm not going to drone on in details here. I agree that many times people do choose to ignore the obvious and do imagine a fantasy life that has no basis in reality at all. That is a tragedy. But I do know that not everyone who does not see what's happening in advance, are not idiots because people do change, situations change and simply knowing someone has an Ex and Kids, it doesn't mean it's always possible to Know What You're Getting Into...
I know what Eyes Wide Open
I know what Eyes Wide Open means and I dated "long" enough though that doesn't imply that in 1 Month or 20 years one can still see every sign of what's to come. Rarely is there a situation, Kids and Ex's or not, that is hunky, dory beautiful and a walk in the park. I do not think most people, at least those of us over 18, are believing that or even expecting it. Likewise, rarely is there a situation where it's nothing but Shit Everywhere all the time, all of a Sudden. Those are two extremes and most people live somewhere in the Middle. I know Extreme views are the "mood" of the country in general right now, but most of us live in the middle of the Good, the Bad (which is vented here) and the Unforeseeable.
If I ever get to the point where I'm as clear and perceptive as you apparently are, I'm gonna become a 900# psychic!
My DH and I dated 3 years
My DH and I dated 3 years before we got married. His ex wasn't a nightmare until we got married and then she turned into a vicious bitch and has tried to get the kids to break us up since. The kids were pleasant when we dated. Boy did all that change.
I don't have the time to write the crap she has done, but it's been horrendous. My DH(eyeroll) never stood up for me ONE time in 8 years. He just stood there with his thumb up his ass making excuses for his kids and their completely rotten behavior and his out of control Ex. He would tell me to "fight it out with her" myself.
I did adopt to FO attitude and have been raving bitch ever since. I also started counseling a month ago.
In that case, the OP's
In that case, the OP's statement wouldn't apply. DH legitimately did not know that he had a kid .. and therefore, neither did you.