Young Adult SD's feel like the Other Woman in my Husband's life
I never realized as my SD's got older things would become more complicated. I struggle internally with so much that I can't even speak about except on here because no one else gets it.
I've been in my SD's lives since they were 4 & 7. They are now almost 20 & 23. Tension has grown for so many years and it all came to a head almost 3 years ago. I've had to disengage for my own sanity but it's not been an easy road. I don't blame them, I blame my husband 100% because he has allowed me to be responsible for them when him and BioMom should have been and also allowed me to be the bad guy and scape goat.
My husband meets them for lunch some days and has these long conversations but never says a word to me about it which just feels weird. Regardless of how I feel, it just feels weird he seems to hide this. If I meet my kids I would always ask him to be included. Not in my situation with these SD's though. I am always excluded, regardless of the fact I've raised them at times more than both of their parents put together. My husband and I work two doors down from each other and they will come by to meet him for lunch and never once think to include me which I guess I did choose to disengage. But I had no choice, when you've been crapped on, walked on, taken advantage of and used, it comes down to sink or swim and I had to choose to swim.
I think what bothers me most is the feelings I have toward the relationship my husband shares with them, it legitimately feels like they are the "other woman" and it's an unspoken thing in our marriage. I know he doesn't speak about them because he knows my feelings and he knows that I've disengaged. But somehow I feel like he shares this secret life with them and I'm just the outsider looking in and he never speaks about it. It's like I'm the wife and they are the girlfriends as sick and twisted as that sounds.
Does anyone else feel that way or I am crazy?
Does his time with them take
Does his time with them take away time with you? Does he cancel on you to be with them? Does he treat you better or has he downgraded his treatment of you? I don't think you're crazy but I do think he must be acting in ways that resemble him having an affair. You need to figure out what those are and point them out to him in an effort to put the marriage back into his and yours first priority. If he can't or won't do that, then you have a choice to make.
You aren't crazy
But you feel like you are. This dynamic is so unhealthy, toxic, that somehow we often second guess ourselves because we just cant believe it or wrap our heads around it.
You arent alone, and check out Adult kids forum its filled with SD mini wives and whipped daddees. It really is up to your DH to set boundaries with their little wives. Some of these men become success stories, while others continue down this dark hole. Communication and therapy with your DH is worth a try, if he is willing!
Best of luck
Your situation is a lot like
Your situation is a lot like mine, ie I've known the 2 SDs since they were 5 and 7, they are now 23 and 25. DH takes them out to lunch or coffee fairly often - at least every 3 weeks or so. But the difference is in my situation I choose not to be included - on the rare occasions I've asked to go along, I've gone, and DH would always include me - I just don't want to, most of the time. If I were you, I would talk to DH and tell him how much you resent being excluded. Maybe he doesn't realise?
Oh I've addressed it numerous
Oh I've addressed it numerous times but it boils down to him not having enough balls to have that conversation with his two aholes of daughters.
Disengaged
This is a hard one. You mentioned you've disengaged but there are a few versions of disengagement - from limited involvement to complete disassociation. We always advise not discussing the disengagement with DH but you wrote he knows you are disengaged. The problem here is communicating to what extent you want to be disengaged, plus the appearance of secretiveness in his separate relationship with SDs.
There are some questions to be answered:. Do you want to be included in the lunches or not. To what degree do you want to discuss SDs with your DH? Do you want to be acknowledged by SDs as they pass by your door?
I DO understand though. During the first disengagement SD got married. I had no desire to attend the wedding but DH did. Before he left, all of the past problems I had with SD's obnoxious behavior and DH's lack of support for me surfaced all at one time. It was rather confusing because I wanted nothing to do with her but I also resented the fact that DH had never truly placed our marriage as his top priority - I knew in my heart that at that particular point in our marriage, he placed SD on a pedestal way above me. And I resented it. Where do you think your DH places you?
Thanks for the reply and a
Thanks for the reply and a few things for me to think about.
As far as my husband knowing I disengaged,we have never really had that conversation but as the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words and it's pretty obvious I've disengaged.
Disengagement has sucked honestly but I had to do it because the more they were around me the angrier I became and the weight of my resentments became too much to bear and it was consuming me, still does actually.
Secretly, I guess there is a part of me that wants to be included in some things. I mean I've been in their life more years than their parents were together. There are different things that hurt and make me bitter. I've always included an invite to my husband if my adult kids and myself were grabbing something to eat or going somewhere. My work is two doors down from his, how hard is it to extend some kind of invite whether I choose to go or not. Cannot imagine my SD working two doors down from my husband and me meeting him and say my other SD or one of my kids for lunch and at least not having the courtesy to extend an invite occassionally.
As far as where I feel I stand? Probably in my heart of hearts I feel beneath them on the ladder of who's who, I always have due to my husband's actions over the years.
The Answer
"Probably in my heart of hearts I feel beneath them on the ladder of who's who, I always have due to my husband's actions over the years." And this is what needs to be worked on. It is not so much your SDs as it is the way your DH is handling it. If you knew you were DH's priority it wouldn't matter if you ever saw SDs again. I have to admit - it would be awkward to have SDs walk by your office without even acknowledging you. Also knowing DH was also excluding you - and condoning their rudeness. If they had any manners, even if they dislike you, they should at least say, "Hello" as they walk by. But then, if they are anything like my SD, it would give them a charge knowing this upset you. I suggest that you ask DH to meet them elsewhere than the office.