I'm sorry you're dealing with all that.

You love sd I can see that but you're getting zero support from your SO or the therapist in your role.

This is truly disgusting. The fact that everyone is blaming you for the way she acts is unimaginable. Your SD's parents failed her not you. Your SO has failed you. You absolutely need to disengage immediately if you plan on continuing in this relationship. Yes it is a struggle of feeling guilty and basically having to force yourself to let nature take it's course.  You obviously know the kid is not well taken care of but honestly what else can you do without further driving yourself crazy. 

I had to disengage to salvage my own mental health. Yes there are still issues that are stressing me out but as far as basic care that's no longer my concern. My SD had lice for 8 months, I spent 6 hours every weekend combing and nitpicking through her hair. As soon as she went home she was infested again. BM didn't care, my DH tried his best until he finally took her to get a prescription pesticide for her and BM's house. My SD was borderline feral. Ate with her bare hands, ill fitting clothes caked in mud, oily greasy hair, she stunk, and had UTI's for 2 years straight. I would put so much into helping her out and trying to teach her basic hygiene. My DH let me be the bad guy because SD would get angry when he asked her to shower after sitting for 3 days in dirty pads and pajamas. My SD would get angry with me, my husband's family were upset with ME for her hygiene and appearance when I was trying my best. I used to get so worked up over it and I finally said f*** it. I told my husband I was done and I'm not involved anymore. My DH bow sees how difficult SD is and that she has some major issues. It has helped so much in that aspect.

The way your SD turns out is not a reflection of you and sometimes you just have to accept it and let it go. This is BM and your SO's problem. Let them handle all her schooling, hygiene, mental health issues and completely remove yourself from the situation. You're not an awful person for this but it's time to take care of yourself and let it be. Make more time for yourself and forget trying to fix an unfixable situation where you are obviously getting the short end of the stick. Not your monkey, not your circus. My heart goes out to you!

You have to disengage from her, you need to put your own mental health above everything else.   Whether you stay in this relationship or not is down to you, but why do you think you deserve so little peace and happiness.   The only reason your SD misbehaves likw this towards you is because you are the only adult in her life who holds her accountable for her own actions.  It is not your responsibility to make her behave.   If her parents don't care then you can't care more then they do.   

I get so fed up with people excusing CR*P fathers because they have 'insert some behavioural issue', be that ADHD or whatever there are millions of men and women who manage to be fully functioning adults with the same issues who don't make excuses.   Your DH is a CR*P parent and there are no excuses.

relationship!!

i just can’t fathom a bio parent blaming a stepparent for their grown arse kid pissing on sofas, pillows like they’re a friggin dog!! Thats not normal!!

right here right now... you are the scapegoat for shitty idiot parenting!!

i just cannot see my husband even daring to blame me for his kids pissing on sofa/bed or whatever and claim its stress!! The reality is skids are the only ones causing stress to us because we have real life real world issues when skids invent drama and imaginary issues that don’t exist and goes around in circles.

how can you love such a man?? How can you forgive such a man for allowing this to happen? How does the piss soaked pillows/sofa etc even provide any intimacy for you to want any sex with this man?? My husband knows there wouldn’t be any and would be mortified and embarrassed because lets face it... this crazy shit aint normal. Therapists can claim its bs stress and stepmummy caused it, but reality is stepmummy didn’t make you go to the sofa and go “hmmm gees i’ll piss on her sofa spot, her throw pillows and claim its stress”, no sd made that conscious decision to go there like a dog and mark her territory as the alpha female. There is only room for 1 alpha female and thats the mum/wife/partner.

my sd’s tried acting as alpha females which was ridiculous as i put them in their place and hubby knew how friggin insane it was that i would bow and be expected to answer to 2 dimwit daughters of his who are so far behind in their age/development wise and lack real life experiences or skills... i shut that shit down and late last yr my husband told off his eldest that when it comes to our 2 young kids, she isn’t the mother and she or her sister do not make the decisions, i do!! Hubby told them he would side with me 100%...

what you do not need is a husband blaming you that sd wants to be a dog!!

The bio parents aren’t even appalled or embarrassed at this behaviour because its easy to blame you. So when you leave and princess bladder issues is still pissing like a dog to mark her terrritory on your sofa/pillows/sofa spot, are they still gonna blame you??

this shit isn’t normal and not worth your time. Your time and presence is a privilege and honour, its not an honour or privilege to deal with princess piss!! Grab some of your self worth back and remove yourself from this situation... it won’t get better. 

Are you wanting to spend another 10-13 yrs for her to become an adult and fail to launch?? Is her pos dad totally worth it?? Does he have balls of gold and a penis of the gods? Even then piss soaked sofas killed it long ago for me!!

i’m sure dogs are better house trained than she is!!

You don't need to figure out how to disengage from your SD. You need to figure out how to disengage from your marriage. At this stage what does your DH have going for him as a partner let alone a parent? Disengaging from the skids is something you do to preserve your own sanity and force the actual parent to step up and parent. You can't care more than the bio parent. If he's fine leaving her in pissy pants for a week how can you look at him as a partner and feel any respect? If there's no respect what else is left to stay for?

I read your last post from 2.5 years ago and you already had the problem of her urinating everywhere and stealing from people. So I’m assuming this has gotten worse as it clearly hasn’t gotten any better.

I suggest you do as everyone is suggesting to you – disengage… with a few conditions, of course. The first one is that, any time she’s at your house, she wears pull-ups (or whatever the age-appropriate equivalent is), no ifs or buts. Also suggest your husband has her hair cut really short so that there are no more problems with it. I’d also want him to go to parenting classes to learn what is expected of an average parent of a girl of her age. And step away. If she’s not washing, remind your DuH to get her to shower. If she isn’t brushing her hair, remind your DuH. If she isn’t cleaning up her messes, remind your DuH. If he objects, remind him that HE AND HER THERAPIST wanted you to disengage, HE was telling you that she was scared of you. The therapists who said not to remind your Duh, are they aware of his ADHD? I bet they’re not … Anyway, he can’t have it both ways. Stop buying snacks too. Just keep on at your DuH. If he isn’t capable of looking after her then she goes to her mother’s.

This is not your child to worry about. I understand that you want to help her but, if her parents won’t lift a finger, it isn’t your place to do so either. This child should not be neglected (and that is exactly what her parents are doing to her) but it isn’t up to you to take over.

Stop communicating with BM. She isn’t your problem either. If she has something to say, she says it to your DuH, not you. Now go and block her on all media.

Frankly, between the two of us, I think I’d have packed my bags by now. You’d lose the stress and you wouldn’t have to see what is happening to this poor child. Start lining up your ducks, make copies of all your important documents, start looking for a place to live, consult a few lawyers. Then when you’re ready, move out… and call CPS.

Sounds like this is an awful situation - if you are blowing up and punching things regularly, you are in a bad situation for yourself and need to get out. Please take a break and leave for a bit to get yourself in a better place.

I don't know why they all "blame" you, except that it sounds like you are the only one who wants rules, and those rules upset the child, so in that backward way, you are to blame in their eyes.  And is she terrified because you are blowing up and "losing your mind" regularly? From her perspective, BM and SO don't care if she has rules, so therefore, you are the problem. And if you get angry and explode about it (I'm gathering that from your post, could be wrong), that would make you look like the one with the problem.

Not sure what keeps you there, but I hope you will rethink it. This child belongs to BM and SO and you can't fix their parenting and you can't make up for it. If you can't disengage, I'd suggest you need to leave the relationship.

This is not a situation that is going to improve. I'm not sure how old you are, but life is far too short for this kind of crap. You really need to read up on ways to disengage and let your SO deal with every aspect of this intolerable situation. I understand that you love your SO but does he really love and appreciate you and your contribution to this family? And please, please stop engaging or entertaining the child's BM. This will, without a doubt, nearly always backfire on you. Take care of yourself.

Disengaging from the child won't work. If no one else picks up the slack, you'll be stuck living in pee-filled squalor with a dirty, smelly, feral skid, watching dysfunction all around you and frustrated and disgusted with the other adults in skid's life.

What are you getting out of your relationship? Why don't you just leave?

The really sad thing is that this child is probably already lost. It's obvious you care about her, but everyone else is working against you because rules and expectations are too hard for them. It would be great if that child would bond with you and you could show her what a healthy life looks like, but at some point, don't you think you just need to drop the rope and mourn the loss?

Your role right now is to be everyone's target for blame. You can't change them, and you can't change the child either with so many people working against you. The only person you can save is yourself.

I don't think I could tolerate being with a partner who cared so little about his child, and who cares not at all for your happiness.

Your story is heartwrenching.

I also want to address this: My SO had ADHD and he only pays attention to work.  Everything else in the world doesn't exsist.

Replace ADHD with any other medical diagnosis. My SO has high blood pressure so can't parent his child. My SO has diabetes and can't parent his child. You get it. In those other cases, there are ways to control the disease though pharmaceutical intervention, diet, etc. And sometimes a medical condition does limit a major life function, but he seems to function at work. If he can do that, he can function at home as well. He just doesn't want to.

Has your SO actually been evaluated and received an ADHD diagnosis? Is he on medication, or what is he doing to try to control it?  Or is he using this mental health issue as an excuse? 

You know how people say that love is not enough? Well, sometimes, disengaging is not enough, either. I don't think disengaging from the girl is going to solve anything.

This just might not be the relationship for you.

The person you really need to care for and do the right thing for in this case is yourself. SD has other people legally and morally responsible for her health and welfare. Do you feel that it's against your nature to not care for this poor neglected child? Weigh up the difference being living honestly and being able to express who you really are, with caring and nurturing feelings that people reciprocate  - and the uncomfortable fake person your circumstances are forcing you to be for a child and an adult that don't seem like they care about you very much. No-one is worth that little. Don't be a martyr. Walk away knowing that you tried but it just wasn't for you.  
 

I felt your anxiety just from reading this. Can you disengage lite? In other words disengage but give her a bath or share dinner with her. Something you dont mind doing and something you would do for a  friends kid or a family pet ( no offence). 

If you read any of my post you will see I did not handle my SD situation very well but one thing I did learn is if you disengage with out setting boundries you can live with it will not work. 

I disengaged 1000 percent, well 99.99 percent for several years but what happened was SD thought she was running things in my house. She thought me not saying anything when she F'ed up was me being scared of her or her being right. Anyway good luck. Never let someone take away your joy from being in your own home

Mitigate the hair issues, cut it short.  Mitigate the peeing on your furniture issue, put her in a diaper the second she enters your home.  Mitigate the theft by spanking her ass and planting her nose in the corner for countless hours any time she steals.  Lock everything up.  And I mean everything.  She gets access to nothing any time she is in your home. She can steal from BM.  If she steals from her classmates, march her into school on the first opportunity into her class, have her stand in front of all of her peers and you explain that she is a thief and display what she has stolen so that the people she steals from can both get their crap back and understand who stole it.  Her peers will deal with her effectively after you bare her ass on each incident of stealing from her classmates. 

If she is dirty and stinks when she arrives for visitation, turn to daddy and instruct him to get her in the shower and clean or she can stand outside until he gets it done.  If she pees, drag daddy in to deal with her mess and with her.  Hand daddy the number for a steam cleaning service and tell him that they better be there to disinfect his noxious spawns mess immediately or she will not be allowed to remain in the home.

At some point the why of this kind of toxic bullshit does not matter. Only the what matters and the what needs to be addressed without exception.

Set a zero tolerance policy and inform daddy that if there is one more incident of soiling anything in your home with her excreta or one more incident of theft and she will no longer be allowed in your home.  PERIOD!

Disengaging is great as long as what is driving the disengagement is dealt with.  Disengagement that includes tolerance of this kind of behavioral crap is a waste of time and effort.

As for the journal. Match her journal with a list of her toxic noxious behaviors.  On a big yellow legal pad with a header of "NAME'S NASTY BEHAVIORS THIS WEEK (DATE-DATE)" .  Flip the page and start a new list for the next week.  Leave it where she can see it. In fact, sit her and daddy down each week and review the last weeks toxic behavioral crap with the expectation that it not repeat for the new week.   Escalate the misery and embarrassment until you get compliance with behavioral standards that are mandatory in your home. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Beyond that, disengage.  Don't feed her, don't clean her, don't give her a thought.

To what end do you destroy your own life to help others???

Get away alone if you can...let the clouds disperse as you relax, alone, at a cheap motel even. Tell dh you need space n not to call you for 'x' days. Allow yourself to bask in the quiet peacefulness.

You are being abused here. 

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Abusers don't change cuz they like the benefits of abuse. 

Please get support from domestic violence...yes emotional abuse is real...I say that cuz I used to wonder

Maybe in counseling decide if you need to be away from this man or not. 

Pamper you every day til you make the decision to stay or leave. List the costs and benefits of both

I can't believe you have lasted this long in that situation. You are so brave and loving. I too have been to therapy to try and deal with two step daughters. One decided to live with her mum full time. I actually celebrated with a friend. There is still one left 50% of the time and if her mum took her for two months I would be over the moon! This kid isn't even that bad, I just literally don't exist when she is here so it causes arguments and of course it's all my fault and I should try harder. You are a model step parent but honestly I couldn't deal with your situation. It sounds like your SD loves attention of any sort and is manipulating you. Either that or she has mental health problems! I say get out. This is not your responsibility.