Bio Mom making my life horrible and the children
I have 2 step children and my own bio-daughter. I find that we can Never do anything until the ex decides what she is doing. my husband has custody Full time and she sees them. I take care of the children getting up and going to school every day and my husband and I make sure home work is done. My question is should I have a say when his ex asks questions that will effect me? the children do not like going with her and cry when they have to.
example: The other night the ex asked my husband (in front of me) if she could get the 5 year olds ears pierced or if he would have a problem with and I Spoke up and said yes I have a problem to which she informed me that she was talking to my husband. I walked away at that point as the children where in the room. I know it will be me that has to help her with this and every thing else she does. she makes my husband affraid to say no to any thing because she threatens...
I'm good enough to dropp off the kids and keep them fed, clothed etc, but nothing else...
advise please
PPV
Bio mom my life horrible and the children
My husbands ex does and has done the same for 13 years I can sympathize with you. SHe feels she is the only parent that matters and can make all of the decisons.
Your husband needs to stand up to her especially since he has full custody. He should tell her that the two of you are going to discuss and will get back to her. Lots of luck
Does it get easier??
Does it get easier??
does it get easier
well that is a tough one it can but all parties involved have to make it work. In my case bm doesnt even try.
bio mom making life horrible
My SD BM used to do the same stuff and my husband isn't very confrontational so i sympathize w/u. For me there was one time too many(a long-long time ago) and when they made arrangements that called for me to help w/o considering me I let him know that he was going to have to either call-in to work to deal with it or they'd have to make other arrangements. sticking to that was the hardest thing i've done in a long time but when he had to find a way to do it w/o me he really started to appreciate how much i did for him and the bm had no choice but to feel a little sting in how inconvenient i could make things. Just make sure you've alresdy talked to him about your feelings and tell him if your a parent any other time where he's concerned you should still be when the bm is talking to. Now my hubby will even ask if things are okay w/me while he's still on phone w/her.
I agree ...
... with second best. If the BM disses you then DH should step up. And by saying "we'll discuss it and get back to you." Also, what is the court order for decision making. If DH has sole decision making then he can tell her NO and she can threaten all she wants. Funny thing is with dad's ... mom threatens and they freak! But in your case with having full custody ... she can threaten all she wants ... usually the courts maintain status quo unless the child is in danger ... tell DH to stand up to Ex ... SD is his kid too ... =0) Good luck!!
~ Katrina
I kind of don't agree....
I'm a SM and BM... I have 2 bio kids with 2 different dads; one I get along wonderfully with, one not at all. I have 2 stepkids as well.
A
s a BM, I recognize that the dad that I do not get along with has an overbearing, psycho wife that butts into EVERYTHING....(a big part of why we don't get along) I know that behind the scenes 'she' wears the pants and makes all the decisions.... I also know that there is nothing I can do about it.... Nonetheless if she were to directly cut in on a conversation that I was having with my son's dad, to chime in with her opinion, (which I couldn't care less about) I don't know if I could refrain from knocking her ass out.
On the flip side.... I too am a bit overbearing and opinionated when it comes to my DH and SK's.... Their BM is a worthless wench that floats through life in a reality-less daze.... So I totally understand where you are comming from and I'm not trying to sound like a B****, just thought I'd butt in with my opinion! lol.
reply to I kind of don't agree...
so what your saying is the person that cares for the child has no say? that is sad I have to say, I try to make things as easy for every one as I can - I go out of my way to help and I get told to butt out... You should know this is just one of the latest examples. How about she has no license and can't drive because of a DUI... she is pregant with another baby (she made her son care for his little sister) while she slept, and he wants nothing to do with the new baby. support is when she feels like paying not when it's due and she sends notes with demands to my husband. will not go outside so the children can play. that's off the top of my head... what will all of this do to the children?
X
X
Something to think about ...
I guess, not knowing your situation, I'd have to ask if you really know SM? SS' BM doesn't really know me and she'd say the same thing about me. She has gone insofar as to say I'm "neurotic and obsessive compulsive." But she's wrong. She thinks my DH is a horrible father, but she's wrong. So, I just have to ask ... how well do you know SM?
Also, one thing, as a BM, that you need to realize is that SM is a part of kids life. She is going to have a say weather you like it or not. So, rather than taking a hostile position toward her, even if she truly is a looser, why not try to work with her for the kids' sake? I coudl only wish that my SS' BM would do that.
~ Katrina
Wow...
She does sound awful.... Also sounds like your situation is much different from mine. I can understand where you are comming from and was not trying to attack you in any way.
reply to Wow
no problem, I just worry about the kids... it's always her way and I hate it... don't get me wrong I'm not saying I want to be right always but at least give me a say if I'm involved in any way... (of course my husband should be standing up for me) Thanks
DH isn't standing up for you?
Your husband SHOULD be standing up for you.... and that is where your true problem lies.... I don't know what I would do if my DH didn't stand up for me and/or let his ex walk all over him. I see it posted here all the time and I don't know how you gals deal with that. I don't think we would make it if DH weren't so protective of me and our family. I am assuming you have tried talking to DH about it? What does he say?
DH isn't standing up for you?
He is affraid of BM and she threatens to take the kids...My BD's BF is very easy to deal with so this blows my mind that she plays with her children's lives!! I know the real issue is my husband... I have talked to him until I'm blue... not sure how to get him to see my side with her always threating him... this is the first time I have been on this site and it's nice to know I'm not alone!
Oh My
Its the same with a lot, and my bf/now hubby was manipulated also in the beginning. I just saw the future and knew myself, and there was no way I would be able to hang in there. I'm the only cook in my kitchen and I was very honest and upfront. Surprisingly he didn't want to let his ex mess up everything. I think for you its sounds like the talking part is done, you should really take some actions or you'll be walked on by these two for the next decade. Theres many simple things you can do, but I know you've read the site already; its about taking the action now. You might have to make your husband also afraid of you, lol or he may just get mad...but you have to do something from reading your post.
after reading may of the comments .....
I am a step mom and a bio mom I have been dealing with a bio mom for many years and finally I have just had it, I know it is sad because the stepchild feels like no one cares anymore since I have stopped caring as much the DH has stopped caring and the bio mom is off more concerned with her new life, she only ever showed the step child she cared if I cared and he would tell her about it she always had to one up me, and then try and come back around and but into our lives. I could not take it anymore for my own sanity so finally I just backed off and I know it is not good for my stepchild because no one cares anymore, but what good am I to anyone else (my husband and my own child) if I have to keep fighting this war with the bio mom?
I sympathize with you and would think twice
before listening to chocoholic, I have read some of her other blogs and she does not have custody of her children either, Biomoms should walk on egg shells with the stepmoms especially if the BD has custody, the Stepmom is basiclly raising the child and unless they want us to do a poor job they should do everything in their power to support us and make us happy that is the way I see it.
Chocoholic has mentioned that she would be upset if the stepmom would interfere in a conversation and probably act violently, in this instance I would have to agree with mocha2001, so what once again who ever has custody has the last word, and all chocoholic is doing is making it worse for her biochildren.
I like to go back and refer to this saying: "whom ever rocks the cradle rules the world"
This is now your family and your home do not let another female who has no power tell you how to live your life or run your house hold. if your DH will not have a backbone where the biomom is concerned you need to or give up on the stepchildren all together you need to be happy before you can be good to anyone else.
good luck!
I completely agree
with Anonymous. As the SM, you are the Queen Bee now. It is your DH, your house, and your family. If the conversation is taking place in your presence, I feel you have every right to voice your opinion.
Will your advice/opinion be taken as seriously as you would like? Well, that's another forum topic that I am having problems with- LOL!!!
Alexis G.
relpy to all and update
so after I got home from work on Tuesday: I waited for all of the children to be busy with homework or in bed when I confronted my husband (again) about not backing me up - he of course got defensive and said he did not want to make a seen in front of the kids. point taken but I said are you going to say something when you talk to her... he did not understand how upset I was and finally I pointed out that my SS was very upset with BM and did he really think I was going to run the kids to her or go out of my way to make her happy?? After I explained more of what I was feeling he understood. here is the best part BM called same night and wanted to talk to kids SD5 in bed it's 8pm on school night but she talks to SS and then DH talks to her and she starts threats again saying he has changed her kids and she will get her lic. back and then she will take the children. He said do what you feel you need to do but remember you walked out on me and the kids and I have been supporting them and taking acare of them when you where to busy. Oh this was before I got re-married if you forgot...Cheers to DH and about time... of course now I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...Thank you every one for the help I needed to talk to Husband... I will be sure to keep trying to help others as you all seem so nice...PPV
From what you have told us...
your BM doesn't have a leg to stand on. If you and your DH have been taking care of the kids for a substantial amount of time, no court (at least no court in DC/MD/VA would given children back to a mother who voluntarily walked out (unless there are other pieces of the story we do no know).
We had a very similar situation. When will DHs realize they have rights too? Courts today are a lot more sympathetic towards fathers (especially as sole providers and primary custodians) than they were when my parents divorced.
Kudos to your DH, but gently remind DH not to be afraid because he will have to take this position whenever the BM steps out of line.
In our case, it only took one harsh reality check from DH and to this day (3 years ago), the BM has remained in check.
So Happy For You!
Sometimes it is worse waiting for the other shoe to drop, but at least you fought half the battle and I am sure you will do fine with the rest.
I'm glad your dh was able to hear it
It takes time for it to sink into their brains I think.
About the ear piercing... Who would have helped SD take care of them? Your dh or you? My dh and I have had this conversation many times. If something is going to end up being my responsibility, then I have a say in it. If I'm not given a say, I will not take the responsibility. I had to prove it too (which sucked, but I got my point across).
My advice (Remember, this is just one lowly SM's opionion):
You and DH are a parenting team in your own household! I DO agree that he should be the only one to talk to BM. This is for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that YOU should not have to listen to her CRAP. You don't need to subject yourself to that. (this took me a long time, lol) If DH and BM need to make a decision, and you should be included on that decision as it will affect YOUR family life, DH needs to tell her he needs some time to ponder it and get back to her later. Then you and DH should talk about it and come to a compromise that works for YOUR FAMILY.
It's not easy. Good luck.
Reply to anonymous...
You sound JUST like my ex's wife! I wonder why you don't identify yourself?? Here, I'll go ahead and do it for you JENNIFER... Jennifer is my ex's new wife and she is posting here under 'anonymous' as well as screen name she has joined the group with... When the time is right, I will let you know which new member she is... I have informed my ex and he is checking into it as well.... a couple of months ago I was forced to change my name on this site because Jennifer had linked me to it.... (I was using my actual name at the time).... Dawn went through and changed all of the past posting so that I could not be linked to them... I joined this site for support as I am a new stepmom.... and my son's stepmom continues to follow and harass me even to this very site!
BABY STEP MAMA DRAMA DRAMA!!!
Wow, how crazy is THIS? You all have a VERY complicated situation. I'm not even sure I understand all of it- sounds a bit Jerry Springer-ish...
As long as the kids needs are being taken care and not subjected to alot of needless drama. It is a cycle and someone has to take the higher road...
I thought my situation was complex...
Alexis G.
NOT Jennifer
or any one you know
Being a StepMom is a Pill
I knew my new husband had a lot of baggage including a borderline/bi-polar ex, two disturbed children, and an insufferable narcissistic mother.
What I didn't expect was that he would continue to enable this evil woman (she bought our identical car so she could stealth around our neighborhood, she has broken in, she called the cops when I watched her kids because she was AWOL and their dad had to go to work, she tells everyone she has 2 handicapped children (who are NOT!) because I have two severely disabled children, she has no morals...)
by treating her with kid gloves and catering to her and the children till he is exhausted every day!
Not only that, his mother is a control freak who has him by the family jewels. Thank God she doesn't live locally, but she is in touch with him constantly and is overpowering and judgmental about EVERYTHING.
I gave up my whole life (every single aspect of it) for my "soulmate", as he had made promises to me and we were devoted to eachother; or so I thought. Now it is allll about him and his children and his ex and his mother. Sometimes I want to leave and never come back and I think he would pretend it was okay as he denies all of his feelings due to past losses.
Neither of us has ever had such a great relationship and there is bliss when it is just us; real life makes my physically ill, though, although my hubby goes to counseling twice a week and says he is working on stuff. Meanwhile, the traumatized children have no counseling even though it was court-ordered, and all of my suggestions before the school failure began were ignored. Hubby and the ex only listen to expensive experts, two years too late, when the kids are behind.
Can a self-centered mama's boy who probably enjoys playing the ex and me off of eachother, and is raising selfish monsters, actually CHANGE?
Being a StepMom is a Pill
I knew my new husband had a lot of baggage including a borderline/bi-polar ex, two disturbed children, and an insufferable narcissistic mother.
What I didn't expect was that he would continue to enable this evil woman (she bought our identical car so she could stealth around our neighborhood, she has broken in, she called the cops when I watched her kids because she was AWOL and their dad had to go to work, she tells everyone she has 2 handicapped children (who are NOT!) because I have two severely disabled children, she has no morals...)
by treating her with kid gloves and catering to her and the children till he is exhausted every day!
Not only that, his mother is a control freak who has him by the family jewels. Thank God she doesn't live locally, but she is in touch with him constantly and is overpowering and judgmental about EVERYTHING.
I gave up my whole life (every single aspect of it) for my "soulmate", as he had made promises to me and we were devoted to eachother; or so I thought. Now it is allll about him and his children and his ex and his mother. Sometimes I want to leave and never come back and I think he would pretend it was okay as he denies all of his feelings due to past losses.
Neither of us has ever had such a great relationship and there is bliss when it is just us; real life makes my physically ill, though, although my hubby goes to counseling twice a week and says he is working on stuff. Meanwhile, the traumatized children have no counseling even though it was court-ordered, and all of my suggestions before the school failure began were ignored. Hubby and the ex only listen to expensive experts, two years too late, when the kids are behind.
Can a self-centered mama's boy who probably enjoys playing the ex and me off of eachother, and is raising selfish monsters, actually CHANGE?
I am so glad that I am not
I am so glad that I am not the only one going through these problems. Not that I would want anyone to, but I feel like I am going to pull at my hair. Ever since my fiance and I have been together, life with his ex has been a nightmare. For one, when she found out about me, she went around to his family and even his daughter and told her horrible things about me. It took me forever for people to realize who I really am and am not the evil person she made me out to be. Things got worse from there. She will do everything to try and keep me away from my fiance's son who is now 2. I love this child very much, but dealing with her is putting stress on our relationship. She thinks that she has every say of when we get the child and what we do with him. She thinks that she is the most perfect person and is supposedly honest and only tells the truth, when we all know different. She is the type that will throw a complete fit if she doesn't get her way. She thinks that she can call my fiance and talk about anything and when I tell her she only needs to contact him about their son, she gets mad and throws another fit and threatens to not be flexible or anything. This is only a few things we go through. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship is worth all this. I love my fiance more than anything and I love his children as well. I hope we have a family together and include his children in the family. I just can't feel stressed every day of my life. How do you just not care?