6 outta 7...I guess it's still improvement?
Even to me this morning's incident seems almost ridiculous except to say it was the breaking point maybe? TLDR: Do we sometimes get upset over a stupid thing as a 'cover' for the other things?
The week has been sort of okay. SD helped with the animals one day and has been cleaning up after dinner every night. Yes, some of the 'I'm so little' and "I can't do that because I'm so short" routine but maybe less than normal. And for the record, she's literally only an inch or two below average and she was extremely capable of putting the food in the rabbit's feed bin which was at her eye level, not way above her head.
My last straw started this morning with her showering in the morning instead of her usual night; but using the bathroom I had told her just 30 minutes before I needed to use this time as it had my hair products, which I make myself so there aren't extras for the guest bathroom. She had told me a couple times, including this morning, that there was another bathroom (the guest) that I could use which had already become annoying as obviously I know what I have in this house. So clearly she knew she could use it too.
The upshot of her using the bathroom I had just told her I needed was throwing off my ability to get ready on time and so missing playing in the choir as I had said I would. One thing I hate is the appearance of being unreliable, of my word not meaning anything. So after saying twice that I'd be there...I wasn't.
I think rationally this doesn't deserve the anger I still feel. I wonder if it's really the other little things adding up, mainly the 'helpless me.' We're on this land because the world is uncertain right now. While I love what I'm doing, I'm also out there busting my butt every day to build a place she can come to if need be...and what I get in return is, "I'm too helpless to feed a rabbit," "You can go use the guest bathroom," and using the bathroom I just told her I needed.
The other thing that comes to mind when I try to understand my level of anger over the shower, is not the shower at all, but the constant creeping around like a ghost.
When I think what I'd say if she asks why I'm upset with her, I wouldn't talk about the shower, but about
1. being sick to death of the "I'm so little and short, I can't do anything" when she's effing 25 years old next week and needs to GROW UP because the world is not necessarily an easy place and when she was 20, barely out of the evil stepmother it was one thing but now she's 25 and still playing this game and one day her dad and I are going to be gone or too old to help her if the world is hard; and...
2. I'm about ready to scream at her if she appears behind me or next to me like a wraith one more time. In addition to constantly appearing without a sound, routinely making me jump out of my socks, she often then just stares at me until I notice her or say something. Often enough, I'm involved in the business I run from my laptop and she knows this, yet also expects I'll just stop to make chit chat. She doesn't want to help with all the other work so that I actually have time to chit chat, but she wants me to drop everything when she suddenly feels like chatting.
But it's the sneaking up on me--I don't even care any more if it's unintentional--that I am ready to rip her a new one over. It's been happening for 4 years now and she knows what it's doing to me yet keeps doing it. I'm beginning to feel the stress of always trying to figure out where she is before I sit down, I'm actually becoming on edge, as to when she's suddenly going to appear behind me.
I'm trying to be glad we had 5 pretty good days this time (although partly because I was shrugging off some of that stuff) but I'm ready to tell DH I'm living in the RV next time she visits because I cannot tolerate the constant wraith-like appearances. I'm ready to tell her either I live in the RV or I tie multiple jingle bells on a collar around her neck from now on.
For what it's worth, she's been seeing a therapist for more than 10 years now, moving from talking about her mother's death to talking about the evil stepmother and now, 4+ years from that being over, still talking to her twice a month. I and DH are both becoming concerned if this woman really intends to help her get on her own two feet or is happy to keep collecting the money.
The shower was my last straw this morning but in thinking about what I'd say to her, it's the other things I'd light into most. Is this normal, getting irrationally mad about one thing when maybe it's really other things that are driving the anger?
I don't know all of the
I don't know all of the details, but I would HONESTLY take to putting up mirrors or wearing a the kind of mirror cyclists use to see if a car or another bike is approaching from behind.
I would also LOCK the bathroom you use AND if that's not an option then LIE about when you need the bathroom. If you need to be out the door by 10am, tell her you need the bathroom at 11am OR 8am, knowing full well she will use it exactly when you need it.
I would also get a basketball game airhorn and each time she scares you, blow that sucker OR use it to scare the shit out of her. Yeah, I'm petty like that.
And if she's too short to do chores, she should be too "small" and to "short" to do other things grown ups, do.
"I'm sorry SD, but you can't watch that show. You're just so small and so short, I'm sure it would further stunt your growth."
Stop being nice! Why isn't her ass staying the RV?
I've been back together with
I've been back together with her dad since Fall 2020 and she's never once walked in on me in the bathroom...and yet with her other behavior I have become very conscious of locking bathroom doors.
My plan is to rearrange my desk so that next time she can't come up behind me. When my elderly dog dies, I'll probably put my office space in our room over the garage and I'm already thinking of putting bells on the door so I'll always know if someone's coming up.
As to the 'I'm so short,' this time I did point out bluntly that she was quite capable of reaching the rabbit's feed bin and she did. I'll have to think about how to incorporate 'you're too short for other things' into discussion with her. I never respond to her 'my tiny hands' comments and so on but have not really known if or what to say bluntly. Plenty of women are short and it doesn't stop them from doing anything. I have no idea why she keeps bringing it up other than as a way of saying, "I can't do stuff."
Why doesn't she stay in the RV? If I thought that would solve things, I think I'd suggest it. Even if she stayed in the RV, she'd come into the house during the day and we'd have the same issue. If I stay in the RV (which is quite comfortable), I can just do my work, live my life, door is locked, she has no reason to be out there and if she wants to come out, she has to knock on the locked door--thus no chance of her sneaking up on me.
She gets to see her dad, he gets to spend time with her, and I'm happy doing my work and not getting snuck up on.
Honestly, I think in part she's just stunted and juvenile despite her age and I admit I don't know how to talk to her kindly about the need to grow up.
"I'm so little and short, I
"I'm so little and short, I can't do anything" when she's effing 25 years old next week
Well dang. I thought maybe she was 10 oe 11. 25 and trying to use the 'too short' card? I call BS on her favorite excuse. I'm 60+ and 4'10" and I don't use it. My Aunt was 4' 9" and she raised 7 kids, ran a house, worked as a nurse for her husband's Dr practice (home office, small town), and never once did I ever hear 'too short' out of her. I'm a bit of a bitch so I'd buy some step stool and small ladders and place them near every single place she claims to be too short to help at.
This exactly! I used to teach
This exactly! I used to teach the children of many Vietnamese immigrants. Many of those mothers were 4'10" at a push. Their sons who grew up in America often towered over them, but darn, those boys were well-behaved, respected their mothers and those mothers often enough were also in some pretty impressive fields, in addition to taking great care of and raising great kids. Nothing would have stopped those women.
Probably part of why I have so little patience for that.
Why not work on the main problem
Your DH not having your back. SD see's her BF is backing her. Not you. You must set. DH straight first.
Your DH not having your back.
Harry, you're right. He got home from dropping her off at the airport today and at dinner brought it up. As in telling me that he brought up these issues with her, specifically telling her she has to stop creeping around and she has to 'be proactive' and be part of things around here, volunteer to clean up after dinner for example instead of letting us serve her hand and foot. And she did do that on this visit and it was noticeable--part of why I got through 6 days this time, which is a record.
He brought up the creeping around and specifically asked why she does it, to which she answered (no surprise) that SM1 got so angry at her for making any noise. I'm at the point (and he agrees) that she lived with SM1 for about 12-18 months, tops, as a young adult and that can't determine the rest of her life. He told me, and presumably her, that he, too, is jumping out of his skin all too frequently at her surprise appearances. He told me he's actually unomfortable when she's here, in part because she keeps doing this.
He talked to her about being with this therapist for nearly 11 years now, telling her she needs to talk to friends or journal at this point, that she's been given the tools she needs and has to start dealing with life without paying out ridiculous amounts of money for a substitute mother every month.
He talked about his frustration with her unwillingness to really grow up--especially as she's really on top of life in several important ways.
He's expressed frustrations before and talked to her before but I get the impression he talked to her MORE and more strongly this time about the absolute NEED to stop some of these behaviors. He hopes she'll spend some time with my sons when they're here, who are decidedly NOT quiet, and she'll realize we really are not her evil SM1, we don't care if she makes noise and in fact, we WANT her to be an actual presence in the house, not just a wraith.
He's definitely on board and trying to get these things across to her.
Yes!
This sounds like a win! Your husband stepped up in a big way. I hope you will see a change in SD's behavior that will strenthen relationships and benefit the entire family. I am hopeful!