Long story short, SD's mother died days before her 14th birthday, she had an awful dad's girlfriend/stepmother around 17-20 who wanted her dad to cut her out of his will (when she was 18). That woman was truly awful to SD. At the same time, SD has some behaviors which can cause great frustration and I get why SM took some of the actions she did, even as I say SM went way overboard and was cruel and I have no doubt married a retirement plan more than a man and saw SD as a necessary evil to get at the retirement plan and something to be pushed out as much as possible.

That said, I've expressed my frustrations with SD on this forum. I'm glad to say, on this Christmas visit, things are getting better. I'm aware that some of her behaviors when she was 20 had me so frustrated and angry that I was slipping into being annoyed at anything, which I knew was my problem to work at and I do continually remind myself of this. If my own child did the same thing, would I find it annoying?

On this visit, I don't know if she's just naturally done some growing up, if her dad has talked to her, if I've made enough changes of my own attitude or what, but I'm finding this visit much better.

She has in the past, for instance, wanted to play D&D & be online with her friends while we work long hours around her; she constantly highlights how 'small' and short and incapable she is, and has in the past shown a disinterest to the point (IMO) of rude, in what we're doing here on our land. This time, she and her dad took care of our animals yesterday while I was finishing Christmas shopping and wrapping.

Today, I was surprised to find she was coming with me to help with the daily routine. Yes, only because her dad told her to. Yes, she was still worried our farm dog might scratch her while trying to play if she came in his field, still worried about carrying the sheep feed across his field, saying she 'can't' get down the short ramp to help feed the sheep, clearly not wanting to really pitch in with the dirtiest of caring for the rabbits, didn't come in the chicken coop at all. In cleaning one rabbit's tray, I accidently sloshed it down the steps and a tiny speck (I literally couldn't even see what she was talking about) got on her pants, which got blown up into a huge story of her being doused with the filth from the rabbit tray.

BUT....there was a clear difference this time. I get that she's not used to getting their hands dirty. She grew up very suburban/urban. (So did I but growing up in the military, I'm used to adapting quickly & learning what I need to and I know I may need to remember others might need more time.)

But this time, she did pitch in. There was a lot less 'I can't,' a lot more willingness to just pitch in even if she wasn't enthusiastic about it; more openness to trying new things. She was worried about the dog, but she did come in and interact with him.

Even though she was afraid to come down the ramp, she did it, and got in there amongst animals she'd never been that close to and dumped some of their feed where it needed to go. And I was better able to remember that, as a guest here, she was wearing a borrowed pair of farm boots that were too big and thus made her footing on the ramp was less steady than my own.

She did help in giving the rabbits feed, hay, and water and even though I think she genuinely felt the mess from the rabbit tray was worse than it seemed to me, she did take it in good humor, joked with her dad about it, and just stripped down in the laundry room and got her laundry started.