Hi,

I am new to this site, and I'm not a step mother yet, but I do love a man who has a 29 year old daughter and she seems to have already cast me as an "evil stepmother."

I'm trying to balance setting my boundaries and still being available for this man who is so good to me.

I've been divorced almost 3 years.... he's been divorced since his daughter was a baby. We started seeing one another in October, went from hanging out to dating... typical I guess. We have lots of family and friend connections, our families have known one another for years... we are really comfortable together, and feel like we are a blessing to one another's lives. My children who live with me all the time (12 & 16) absolutely adore him, and all our extended family and friends are thrilled that we have found one another and think it's a great match. But, not his daughter.

I'm feeling like I should've seen the signs and gotten out before it went this far... but now that I'm to this point, I'm trying to figure out the best way.

Back in December, I suggested a couple of times that we could meet his daughter for supper, and she never would join us. At that time, I expressed concern, and he told me she didn't want him to tell BM about me until after Christmas, because she was planning a Christmas dinner for the three of them, and was afraid BM would cause a scene. I asked why BM would make a scene... after all she divorced him and they've been divorced 29 years... he said she is just really unpredictable. So, my feeling was, we haven't been dating all that long, daughter wanted to have her parents over for Christmas dinner at her place... no big deal. At that time, I told him, if we are still dating this time a year from now, it will not be appropriate for him to have a family dinner with the three of them... him and daughter is fine, but if x is there, someone who is in a long term relationship with him should be included as well.

So, after Christmas, he told ex wife he had been seeing someone. She had already heard. (We have lots of mutual acquaintances.) He said she didn't seem to be upset... but concerned about the impact on daughter.

So, last weekend in January, I went away for the weekend with my best girlfriend, and he had told me he was going to help BM paint the hallway in her house, something he had told her he would do before daughter moved out. I had no issue with that, as long as he was painting, doing what he was called over there to do, and not being manipulated by her to just hang out, and we had a talk about that, in which he told me if she wasn't ready to paint he would go home. Of course, it turned out, he went over, she didn't have any paint, they had to go to Lowe's, then they were out, so they might as well go out for lunch, then there wasn't enough time left to get anything done before daughter was having them over for supper, so they just hung out and watched a movie until supper. I let him know that I will not be in a committed relationship with a man who will spend that much time alone in intimate settings with another woman. Although they were divorced, they were functioning as a couple socially.... So, he realized he couldn't carry on in this way with his ex and have a relationship with me... and that hasn't been a problem.

However, that same weekend in January, I met the daughter for the first time, and I thought it was rather pleasant; but, he came to me a few days later with concerns from her.... that she didn't want me to try to be her mother, that she was afraid I would stop him from helping her financially (he has allowed her to keep her phone on his family plan and pays the entire bill, and he pays her auto insurance).... so I wrote her an email, very complimentary to her, and reassuring her that I would not push myself on her, that I cared for her dad and I plan to support and encourage her, but the depth of our relationship other than I'm her dad's girlfriend would be up to her, and that I will not tell her dad how to spend his money. I read it to him before I sent it, and he thought it was good and I should send it so I did. And she sent me back a scathing reply, called me names, accused me of rushing her dad into getting married. (He does believe he wants us to be married, but he has from the start been the one bringing up marriage... I thought I wanted to marry him, but I wasn't pushing for it.) So my response was polite and understanding, and I did not put myself on her level... but I told her father, and told him he needs to set her straight on some things.

So, about a month went by... near the end of Feb it was his birthday.... so daughter wanted to have a birthday dinner and go see a movie with her mom and dad for his birthday. He suggested just dad/ daughter and she flipped out. So, he told her that if she wants her mother there, he would invite me... and she told him that if I showed up she would just walk out. He did stand by his guns and invite me, but I had other plans already, and he felt it would be better if I didn't come... so I didn't. He went to his birthday dinner, and his daughter and her mother didn't speak to him. He used that opportunity to talk with BM about working together as parents to help her through this, as it is not healthy for her at age 29 to be stuck in this state. He said BM agreed with him.

The following week, his family had a big family event hosted by his cousin, and I was invited, not by him but by the family (we go back a long way)... and daughter refused to come because I was invited. He said it was her loss.

So, a month later, he's telling me that his daughter gets upset every time my name comes up, but that "she implied that she might be willing to open a door for you at some point." He said it in a way like I was supposed to think that's a good thing, but I was insulted. I don't care to wait around for her to throw me a scrap. I haven't done a thing wrong to this young woman, and she is acting as if I have mistreated her. That day, something snapped inside me, and I knew I was feeling angry and frustrated by something completely out of my control. and I don't like feeling angry and frustrated. So I told him I care for him, but I am not willing to be committed to him or make plans for a future with him until this problem with his daughter is solved.

He feels like I'm giving in to her "tantrum" by doing this, but I feel like I'm taking myself out of the line of fire, and setting a standard for how I will allow people to treat me.

Since I set that boundary, he is being more direct with her, and addressing her behavior. I don't care if she likes me or not... but I know as a grown woman who has a job she is capable of being civil to anyone, even those who are rude. So, she could attend a family function and be civil to someone who has done nothing wrong, except be the woman her father fell in love with after years of putting her first. I just know I am not willing to go forward and be subject to an adult child who will set up scenarios for her dad to have to choose.... it's too much stress, and I have a great life.... I'd rather stay single than deal with that for the rest of my life. My family has welcomed him... my 16 year old has introduced him to her closest friends, my son asks me, when is he coming over again.... I would like to at least be ignored rather than open hostility.

I am trying to understand.... why would an adult have a problem with their parent having a healthy relationship?

And now, I'm trying to figure out, what would it look like for this problem to be solved? How can I trust that his daughter won't continue to make herself an issue?