Empty Nest Gone - arguing returned too
Long story short. I married for the first time a man with 4 kids who had been married to a woman with a variety of mental health diagnoses and is currently under the care of a psychiatrist. We've now been married many years. Not quite 20 years. Never had my own kids. Married when they were grade school aged and now they are in their 20's.
While I should have sought out help before but here I am now.
Because of the instability of the bio mom, I picked up a lot of slack. We took in the youngest and I raised them. We would have taken the older two but by then they were teenagers. Bio moms house had no rules and ours did. They opted to stay with their mom, all that chaos, drama, and mentally unstable home.
The younger two are now well-adjusted adults and I have a great relationship with them.
The second eldest is off doing his own thing and rarely drops by. I think partying. He's still angry for his father for leaving the mother (although it was actually the other way around).
It is the eldest I'm having issues with. She is extremely wounded. She copes with life by acting helpless. Since the age of 22 she has realized her bio moms destructive ways and that the bio mom was a habitual liar. So she's desperate for family and has moved in and out of our house for repeated stays. The best I can explains is that she was badly abused by her mother and we feel obligation somewhat to her BUT this has caused sooooo much arguing between me and my husband.
I struggle lots with this girl. She comes into my house and tries to run things. She always had to be the parent to her own bio mom. So she often tries to manipulate me. If I say anything slightly off to her father, she steps in to take his side. And getting her to get a job to get back on her feet has been difficult.
I guess where I am now..... my husband feels so bad for her upbringing. And that we left her with the mom when we were finally able to get the younger ones out (we got everyone to agree to this when the biomom was taken in for psychiatric care). He feels bad for her. I feel angry that I'm back parenting again.
Background on our marriage is that it has been very rough. We struggled a lot of years with my husband's past and the crazy ex wife and the kids and finances, and, and, and.
But we had been good for a couple of years. And then the stepdaughter came back. I literally can't get a word in without her cutting me off by speaking over me, telling me stories that don't add up, etc. The two of them are doing everything together these days and I'm left by myself. Then my husband wants my attention and then I am angry cause I'm only good for the marital attention.
After all these really hard years I'm at my wits end. My husband told me he feels like he has to choose me or his daughter. In order to choose me, he says he will have to cut her off forever. That's not fair. I just want my house and my husband back.
I have never wanted to be in this place. I did everything for the kids when I could. I could tell lots of stories.
At this point I'm ready to leave because I don't want him to have to choose and if he's already telling me he has to choose and he's angry about it .....I feel like he has chosen.
I don't see her leaving any time soon. She's got some major financial obstacles she needs to take care of. It's a big mess.
Why does he think he has to
Why does he think he has to choose? Why can't he set boundaries with his daughter?
First, get together an exit plan for her. She might have financial obligations, but who doesn't, and responsible people work through them. Are you in a position to help with rent for a time so she has a cushion? Finding a roommate should be an option as well. She might need help with other basic things as well if she really is that damaged. If she hasn't learned how to live independently she might need experience with normal life things -- buying groceries, budgeting, paying bills on time, etc.
Sounds like she could benefit from some counseling as well so she can be a whole, independent grownup. She's damaged from her childhood, but she can't use that as a crutch forever. She needs to heal and move on.
My own SD fell into the role of parent for her own mother (and occasionally her father), and she continues to set expectations for both parents, and that extends to me as well sometimes. That's a big hahahahah. DH tried the "just do it to make her happy and shut her up." What, and be miserable and set myself up for the next time? Hell no. HE can jump if he wants to, as long as it doesn't affect me. At least my SD is independent and successful and doesn't ask for money or other things from us.
You need to determine what you can and can't live with, and find a path to get there. If that means that you move out for a time so that your DH has clarity about the importance of what you're doing and what you need, then do that. Life is too short to be miserable.
Hey. Thanks so much. I didn't
Hey. Thanks so much. I didn't know if anyone would respond and then so quick. Why does he feel like he has to choose? I guess because I've been angry about things ..... her moving in, talking over me, making choices that keep her lagging behind, he spending all his time with her. And I verbalize these. He is angry with me because I am angry. I never wanted to be parenting someone who is approaching 30. I want her out. He would like to keep her. I guess it's a common arguing tactic for him to go to an extreme. I say I want her out of my house and then he says that means he will "stop trying to have a relationship with her." So frustrated as I feel he is trying to make up for lost time, has always wanted to have his daughter with him. She's here now. She's an adult though. And I would like to be the woman of the house. Simple stupid things. Like if I close the curtains, she comes along behind me to open them. I arrange my cupboards. She reorganizes them. Then at times she thanks me for all I have done, telling me that I am the Mom she never had. And then I feel the guilt too. She has had a bad life. I guess right now I'm just mad. Mad at the whole thing. Mad at my husband for not caring how I'm feeling.
Many Of Us Have Had Less Than Desirable Upbringings &
parents who've let us down, that we had to parent, but that doesn't give anyone the right to come in and act like we own the place. She's doing these things to get to you, and to show daaaaddeee she's doing something around the place.
Nope! At 30 she needs to be out of there. I would develop a working timeline (whatever you can live with, 2 weeks? 30 days?) to get her out of there, and point out to your DH that he is only enabling her to never launch. She will figurtatively be a wounded bird with clipped wings all her life if DADDDEEE is her rescue ranger. Who wants that? No parent wants to tell friends his 30+ year old offspring is still living with him! I never hear parents bragging about THAT. The intended goal is to get HIM ON YOUR SIDE, and your job is to look sympathetic to her cause, while pointing out if he keeps "helping" her he's really only hurting her, which inturn is hurting your marriage.
Good luck Wanderer. You sound like a great woman.
Neither of you are obligated
Neither of you are obligated to "parent" an angry adult who is choosing not to resolve her own issues. Your DH enabling her to not grow up and become responsible for herself is the opposite of helpful. There is no reason he can't have both of you in his life in proper roles.
Sounds like he's trying to scare you into going along with him. Don't let him. Insist on marriage counseling- no sane therapist will agree with his mindset.
He's gaslighting you
Just because you don't want a fully grown woman living in your home, does not mean he has to end his relationship with his daughter. But of course, since you are setting a reasonable boundary, one that neither he or his daughter want, he is attempting to guilt you into changing your mind, by claiming that YOU are pushing her out of his life rather than just the marital home.
She needs to be on her own, rearranging her own cupboards.
If you put a stop to the 30 year old living there, he's going to be upset with you. If you let her stay, you are still going to be miserable. I'd personally rather have my space and the 30 year old out of my house, and let DH be in a cruddy move. If he's that miserable, he stay with his daughter.
This exactly. Call him out on
This exactly. Call him out on his manipulation and point out that he doesn't have to have this woman living with him to have a relationship with her. She's almost middle aged and enough should be ENOUGH!! She needs to find her big girl panties and put them to use. Titty babies look even more pathetic at her age. Dh needs to get over it and GET. HER. OUT.
He sets and inforces
He sets and inforces boundaries and he can have a good marriage and have a relationship with his daughter.
It isn't rocket science.
I never get this choosing one
I never get this choosing one over the other.
Why is this an "either/or" thing? His daughter is not eligible for the role of wife. You're not eligible for the role of daughter.
People need to stay in their own lanes and stick to their own roles.
Sounds like your DH is more afraid of losing his princess than his wife.
He "CHOSE" When He Married YOU; Marriage Is A Contract,
whereas parenting (especially ADULTS) is not.
He is suffering from a bad case of divorced daddy guilt. This will never get better, sadly.
So sorry you're in the midst of this mess. You owe him nothing with regard to his "kids" that's his problem.
I hope things smooth over, but it seems even though HE CHOSE YOU AS HIS WIFE, now he's already chosen the mini-wife daughter.
Thank you everyone from the
Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. I didn't know I could find some people who cared so much. I read all these comments and I think there's definitely something I could take from each one and formulate some next steps. I actually like my step kids but this path hasn't been easy. Step-parenting isn't something I'd recommend to young people! But yeah ..... life happens. Thanks everyone!!
*sigh* My battle here is far
*sigh* My battle here is far from over. We have found a place for her but she will be doing weekend visits. She got a job as a live-in care-giver that requires her to leave on weekends.
And, yes, my husband is angry about me pushing and not embracing. He's being very cold. And, no, I don't want to do weekend visits anymore. She's too old for this.
I feel stuck. I don't want weekend visits. Glad she found a job though.