feeling anger and resentment
:? I'm new here, and i just need to see if i'm the only one. My husband who I have been with for 14 years and have 3 kids with have 2 daughters by 2 different mothers.. one is 21 the other is 19, anyway, he has not had any relationship with these girls since they were babies. so he is estranged, anyway, the last 2 weeks he has started a relationship with his oldest, and they talk everyday, and just the last 3 days he has started talking the the other daughter.. well at first I encouraged him to start these relationships with his kids.. but now. I feel hurt, and angry and even jealous.. I don't know if this is normal but he doesn't tell me much about what they talk about or even any information at all, except little things like oh look at xxxxxx (the oldest has a 10 month old) or OH xxxx says hi, and all i do is say yeah.. and walk away.. i don't want to hear about it but then I do want to know what they are talking about. I mean the one night we were suppose to be celebrating my b-day and he was texting his oldest until midnight.. and then when i try to tell him how i feel, he is like they are my kids, not another women.. am i wrong to feel this way?? i wish i didn't and i really am trying not to hate them.. any advice would be helpful .. thanks for letting me vent.
You are not wrong. Is how you
You are not wrong. Is how you feel. They don't seem like daughters since he's never been in their life before. They are disrupting your normal routine with your H.
Men suck when it come to bdays sometimes. My SO took skids out to dinner instead of coming home on my bday.
I don't think you're wrong in
I don't think you're wrong in feeling the way you do. Even though this is his daughter, we as stepmoms don't have any natural, biological connection to these kids, so it's easy for us to view them as invaders, especially when they are adults.
In my experience, it helps to present it to DH in a light that shows you as not someone who wants to invade his kids' privacy, but to emphasize that you want him to be able to have good relationships with his kids. You want to know about what's going on with them because you care about and love him, and know they they're important to him. How would he feel if you didn't ask about his kids? He'd probably feel hurt.
Encourage him to spend time with his kids and grandchild. However, don't have high expectations for how things will turn out. Having high expectations for someone/something can bring you huge disappointment. Have lower expectations but still try it, even if you feel some negativity about it. My dad once made me go on a ride at a theme park that I wasn't keen on at all, and after I went on it, it became my favorite ride ever. I know this example isn't related to stepkids, but it's an example of how I was pleasantly surprised after having had low expectations about something. I also have used this tactic when it comes to my SDs. My not expecting any of us to love or like each other gave us all more of our own space and helped us to be civil and go from there.
I can see where your DH is
I can see where your DH is excited about reconnecting with his kids. You've got a "new" normal now to deal with, and I think you might be feeling left out, right? To me, it would be important to be part of the new normal, and I would hate the exclusion too.
Maybe you and DH need to have a conversation about where he sees you (and where you want to) fit in with him and his daughters. And then figure how how you can be more included. No, it's not another woman but read the stories here about kids with spousal status. You definitely do NOT want to start down that road. Roles and relationships need to be clear from the start, so starting out by excluding you is not good. But it's early enough to fix.
BTW, I also hate my DH's cell phone. He can't seem to leave it alone with texts, emails, calls, no matter who it is from or when the interruption occurs, and of course he has to respond. Turn the damn thing OFF when we're spending an evening together. Drives me crazy.
Best of luck.