I would suggest leaving issues about the ex out of the relationship with your SD.
If after 24yrs the two of you aren't close and she doesn't show you the respect you want then I doubt it will ever happen.
If you try to bring up issues about her mom with her it will probably backfire and she will get defensive and wonder why you are 'attacking' some one she is apparently very close to.
If you really want to have a relationship with her...common interest and work with that....one of the best ones is to talk about the kids and the strong parental love that a mom has, she can understand that since she is a mom now.
Good luck it's hard to correct or change such a long relationship....me and my stepmom are still not on real good terms after almost 30yrs.

Lisa Dawn

Lisa is right. If you haven't developed any kind of bond with this girl after all these years, then it may simply never happen. She may never warm up to you, especially if she doesn't want to.

To answer your question, we have discussed ex issues with the skids and they are a lot younger - 11, 14 and 15 - but we did it in a very limited way. During bad periods with their mother, we would tell them to remember that each person has their own perspective, that their mother may see things one way while we see them another, that they should form their own opinions based on what they know and experience for themselves and that parents are human and both of their parents have made mistakes. We never go into details, but we have been pushed to the point where we felt that damage control was necessary, so we would find non-inflammatory words to express that they shouldn't necessarily believe all the bad things their mother says about their father in the heat of the moment.

I think if you have something specific you need or want to say to her, then by all means say it. She's an adult... you don't need to censor yourself with her and it may help just to get it off your chest. But don't get your hopes up that things will change. If she's not shown an interest in developing more of a relationship with you by now, she may never develop that interest.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

I see nothing wrong with advising your SD that you and your husband would enjoy the opportunity to bond with the grandkids independent of the EX.

Frankly, I think that inviting the EX to any of your planned events, visits or dinners is WAY over the line. I guess your husband should have attempted to curb that long ago. When "we" say anything, we're just the wicked stepmoms...I think you've put up w/ it long enough.

I would reiterate the desire to some alone time w/ the kids and politely throw them a bone w/..."it's so obvious the love your mom and your beautiful twins have for each another...I'm afraid they just don't notice your father and I when we're all together. We'd love to have the chance to just have a few hours with them alone sometime and hope you understand." Id your husband opposed to this at all? Does he see this as rocking the boat? Be sure he's on board.

Good luck,
Dana

I don't trust my 32 year old SD. I would NEVER in a million years discuss step-issues with her. She clearly is her mothers daughter. That will never, ever, ever, ever change no matter how old she gets!

I just got an e-mail from her concerning youngest SD's shower..she want's to know what date I picked, and what I have planned.

For those that don't know or cna't remember...she caused a huge stink over the holidays because..she wanted 1 shower combining her mother & I etc..and she wanted to run the show...and everyone else, included the bride wanted 2. Anyway...oldest dropped her plan...and is helping her aunt/mother do one for that side and me & my daughter & aunts etc are doing one for Dad's side..

Her mother is very superficial... has to have the nicest car, has to have the nicest clothes, has to have the nicest house, has to present an air in all that she does.......and no doubt...MUST PUT ON THE BEST SHOWER!!!!

I don't want to tell BM's mini-me any of my ideas!!!! She'll run back to her mother in a heartbeat. That psychotic old cow will just have to come up with her own ideas!!!!!

My hubby doesn't want her staying with us when she visits...although he loves to see the grandkids...and her as well. He or I would never say anything to her...it's not worth the irriversable rift it would cause. Even if she decides to stay here...I'm usually very busy with errands..and don't see much of her. We'll suck it up for a day or two or as long as we have too.

For now we make nice-nice....but there is much distance between us. That's just the nature of the beast....her choice....I've just learned to accept it last year...I no longer take it personally. My feelings don't get hurt, I don't get angry, I don't get upset, it is what it is. Like the Serenity Prayer says..."accept the things you cannot change"

Some things have been discussed with the youngest...we try not to bash. But she see's her mothers true colors now..so not much needs to be said. It's her that says to us. "I want 'lovin-life' at my stagette party...Mom won't want to go...but if mom finds out she's going..Mom will go to cause trouble.." So things are discussed matter of factly between us and this SD....they oldest will defend her mother to the end....she doesnt want to see her mothers less desireable qualities...or will make excuses for her bad behavior.

SO bottom line...whether to discuss things with them or not really depends on the child and your relationship with them and your own particular situation...

Take Care
Lovin-life

What is the EX gaining by constantly putting herself at functions in which she is clearly the fish out of water? I can understand having to deal w/ her at graduations, weddings, or functions for the grandkids, but at a retirement for her ex thrown by his current wife of, what 18 years? Ridiculous. I don't know what the SD's angle is, but it's just amazing that she's always bringing her mother into your plans. Can your husband inquire as to what's at the root of all this? I think you've been far more patient than I'd have been. If the ex is carrying a torch for your husband, then she's a glutton for punishment. Do you think she's trying to look good in her children's eyes? Do you think she wants to make you look badly to her friends, ie: "Poor _____ is stuck w/ that woman who can't even get balloons for his party. Can you believe I had to go out and buy them?" Or is she just mentally deficient?

I think I'd have said, "Oh, well, thank you for the balloons, but we are having a celebration, not a wake!" What if you thanked her and dismissed her w/ "See you in a few days!" I'd love to see the look on her face.

My mom's side of the family had a 50th anniversary/reunion for one of her aunts a few years ago. It was in the town adjacent to where my dad's mother lives. Dad's mom has always been difficult at best - and very critical of my mother's side of the family, complete w/ old world prejudices, etc. (mom's side is Italian, dad's is Irish and I guess at the turn of the century, lol, there was bad blood between the two nationalities.) Anyway, Dad's mom always loved a party and was completely miffed as to why she wasn't invited to the reunion. She threw a fit! I backed up my mother when she said to my father, "Bob, we can visit your mother while we're up here (Ohio), but after the way she has treated my family for 40+ years, I'm not subjecting anyone on my side to an evening w/ her. Besides, my cousins are footing the bill and they don't even know her!" G-ma wasn't invited. Share this story w/ your SD and see if she gets it...but I doubt she will. The offenders rarely see themselves.

Dana

SpitFire99.....we recently mentioned some things to SS about BM who has created so much trouble that we no longer want to be at joint functions together. SS did not remark to what was said about BM because I think he already knows how she is but accepts her the way she is. They can't see how her actions cause us problems because it is their mom, the person that deserted them but they want so bad to be a part of their lives no matter what. We come different sides of this situation. Our relationship with BM is not the same relationship as the child's, and while we can see all the bad things that BM has done, if they can,they can accept it. We want to protect but the biys probably feel that they needed protected from me instead of BM. It really gets twisted up. But to answer your question, no we have not had any success.

Also, just another example.....my daughters' father cheated, wouldn't work, lied about everything. My daughters saw exactly what he was doing, they saw how their BD had hurt SM with the last affair that ended their marriage....same stuff that happened with me. My daughters had a blow-out with their father, he manipulated the situation and then apologized for hurting them, let them know this was nothing to do with the girls and my ex was right back in my daughters' good graces. I will not tolerate the man, will not talk about him with my daughters and will not be in the same room which might make me look like the big baddy and that's okay.

I think the only way for our children to understand fully is to be put in the same situation and then they have to willingly open their eyes and find some compassion for what we went thru to understand. Whetehr that will ever happen is to be seen.

I wouldn't do it. I guess I would just do my best to be cordial and polite when she visits.

My reason for that is purely selfish. I haven't the time nor the energy to get pulled into family drama.

My DH had the mistaken notion that he would only have to put up with BM until the kids turn 18. I said, what about weddings and births of your grand-kids?

I saw first hand when SD had her baby (2 months premature via emergency c-section) how BM is going to be now and into the future.

She saw us and lumbered over immediately, ignoring me and talking to DH, "Did you want to see the baby? Come with me." Luckily DH wants absolutely NOTHING to do with her and wouldn't take her order. He said, "I just got off of work and am too dirty to go into neonatal ICU to be around the little guy." We were shown to a window and BM went in to the NICU. She would look at the baby, poke the baby, then look over at DH - obviously TRYING to have a
"Grandparent" bonding moment with him and totally leave me out of the picture. It was disgusting. :sick:

The worst part is, my DH STILL thinks that he won't have to deal with her after his kids are 18. SD is 17 now and still living with BM (with her baby). We have seen the baby a total of ONCE since he got out of the hospital. He was born on March 31.

WHY oh why can't these men LEARN??

Can so identify with you. It never stops. Never. DH daughter expecting this month, but I have no plans of going to hospital with him. My thinking is that he has allowed much of the garbage I have been forced to deal with. I am withdrawing from everything where his children are involved. I couldn't go to wedding, showers or rehearsal dinner and won't be able to go to his son's either. My husband lost his mom and dad within a year and the ex totally madee a scene at their funerals. Even though they are adults and witnessed her violence (ie trying to stab their dad), they see no wrong in her. Everything I say or do is wrong. There are 2 sons and one daughter involved her. The daughter is youngest and she is 27. Note the 27----and it still hasn't ended!

All I can say is the kids need to grow up