"I am imagining it"...
Just needed to vent this morning, so here I am still working at this 7 year disengagement from my SD56.
My DH's brother and wife are coming this next weekend (1500 miles) to spend a couple of nights; they are on a road trip and vacation. They are very nice people and come every year to visit DH. I've never had a problem with their visit, ever. It has been years of visits, and we have always had a family get-together on our patio, with BBQ and the whole works, when they visit. This is so everyone can visit in the short time they are here. The past three years, the Skids and SGkids have all had something else planned; it has down sized to SD56 and her SO, who live 1 block up the street.
Two years ago SD56 and SIL showed up, 30 minutes late for BBQ, then just filled their plates, ate, and ran. Ok, that was good for me, because I didn't have to put up with them more than an hour. Last year I specifically didn't invite them for dinner, but it was known they were stopping by for a short visit, no problem. Low and behold, they popped in for dinner, without me being notified. I'm sure DH and SD discussed dinner; I was civil and didn't show any hostility. SD56 was her usual rude self and didn't even say thank you and texted on her phone the whole meal and visit, without even really visiting with her Aunt & Uncle.
Remember, SD56 is not allowed to come to our home this past year, when I'm home. I set this boundary over a year ago, because our relationship had reached the end (after her hate e-mail 2 years ago). Yesterday, DH mentioned "what do you have planned?". I told DH (very nicely and non-manner of fact attitude) I would fix one dinner and they all could go out to eat, or go to SD's (1 block away) for dinner, one night. That way they could all visit and I would stay here with our dogs and relax. DH went totally silent and his face go so red, I thought he was going to explode. He hasn't spoke to me since; the ole' "silent treatment", I'm guessing, because I didn't want SD & SIL here.
With all of this said, DH thinks "I am just imagining" how SD treats me. DH says this all the time; although DH hasn't spoke at all about this last episode. All I can think of, how I have been treated and used for years and this was coming; besides it is "my disengagement boundaries"; I will not go back on them.
Everything goes so well, until SD56 comes into our lives and then I feel like we are set way back. Thanks for listening.
Very time DH thinks you
Very time DH thinks you imagined it print out the hate mail and hand it too him.
I don't need to print it, I
I don't need to print it, I have it. Just a couple of weeks ago he ask to see it again, I handed him a copy.
This email has made it much easier for me, because SD stated: "You stay away from me and mine, and I will stay away from you and yours, except for Dad of course." Let me say this: #1 I never responded to her email or recognized it, except to DH. #2 I have no idea why SD56 thinks she owns any of her grown family and who she can tell me to associate with. I absolutely have no problem with her associating with any of my family or friends, as long as she leaves me alone. Everyone knows this. I've never talked about her to anyone; she on the other hand has ripped all about me at different occasions, including our GS's memorial services. With this said, I stay away from her and her family; I have taken this email to my attorney, 2 years ago, and have a Restraining Order ready to go to a Judge, if she messes with me.
So your advice is being used; I do remind DH that it was her choice to stay away from me; of course I jumped at the golden opportunity for total disengagement.
Thank you!
DH wants me to be the perfect
DH wants me to be the perfect hostess and eat his DD's rudeness. He knows I won't do it, but you have to give him credit for trying. He won't cook or lift a little finger, neither will SD56. So they can go out to eat! I stated I would fix a nice dinner one night for his brother and SO; they all could go with SD and family the other night to eat, so SD could visit with her Uncle and Aunt. I would stay home with our dogs. As long as I don't have to be around SD and SIL, I don't care what they do.
DH is livid because: #1 I don't want SD56 in our home, while I'm here; I've made that perfectly clear for months now. #2 He knows I will be happy to be the perfect hostess for anyone but SD, and SIL. DH believes, because his brother and SO are coming such a long distance to visit, I will give in just for this visit.
It's not happening and he is one mad person over it. He'll get over it or live with it forever.
Thank you.
SD has taught you how to
SD has taught you how to treat her. DH needs to learn the same lesson and facilitate that lesson as well as you do.
Stick to your plan.
Rags: My DH knows exactly
Rags: My DH knows exactly all the reasons I have totally disengaged. He thinks I will give in, especially when family visits from far away. It is not going to happen.
I plan on sticking to it. If SD shows up here, I will leave and go out to eat alone. DH will find it on his next credit card bill.
I've had enough, and DH knows that also. I don't pull any punches about how I feel or what I want to happen in our home. DH can suck it up and he'll get over it eventually.
Thank you.
Hi my friend Sammi, You have
Hi my friend Sammi,
You have been so gracious over the years that your husband cannot believe you are tired of being abused. I would respond with I have only planned for the Aunt and Uncle, other than that, what have you planned? You didn't exactly want her hate mail or her rude and nasty remarks and all the other disgusting things she has done directly to you-- all this years in your face either. YOU are just as important as they are, even if only YOU realize it right now. You have to protect yourself. You have been through worse in the past.
Yes, they all say you are imagining it to make you think you are a bad person because you defended yourself, and they want to appear they control you still to everybody. I have heard exactly the same thing. It is called mind games in an attempt to break you down to sucking up additional abuse and waiting on this ungrateful SD- hand and foot to be insulted continuously and made fun of--- some more. Hell no...to the hell no.
I think you handled it gracefully, this SD is 56 years old--think she can cook a meal for her own Aunt and Uncle? Oh, it would be a lot for him to ask of her, huh? No hesitancy asking you, however, I see. If not, it is high time she learned to do so. You do not have to visit with SD's if you do not want to and your agreement was anytime you were present in your house. Unless SD is ready to come over there on bended knee and a sincere heart felt apology, no deal husband. We both know no apology would ever happen and husband is too weak to even ask, even though his terrible parenting has destroyed so many relationships.
We both know, having doormats for husbands, how likely that will happen. He turned red because he CANNOT ask his darling daughter to cook a meal or do anything else, actually. He has zero influence over her behavior, and he does nothing, asks nothing of her-- because he thinks that will keep him in her good graces. Oh no, it is only YOUR place to work; oh I get it, just all too well, my friend.
Maybe reality is setting in a bit, I know it is hard but this may be real progress. Stay strong and again, you protect Sammigirl!
Thinking of you....oh, and I doubt I need to tell you this....IT IS NOT YOUR IMAGINATION...
Dominoes delivers....for free.
^^^THIS!!!^^^ Please stay
^^^THIS!!!^^^ Please stay strong, Sammi. SD's behavior at past BBQs was rude and inexcusable. A repeat performance should not be encouraged. If someone else had come to your house, 30 minutes late for dinner, then ate and ran, or had appeared expecting dinner, what would DH think?
"With all of this said, DH thinks "I am just imagining" how SD treats me." DH is going back to something old and stale. Your DH is mad because he is between a rock and a hard place. He has not done what he should have to ensure a civil relationship between you and SD. Now he has to entertain BIL while negotiating around the consequences of his actions. You have been a lot more accommodating to your DH than I would be for mine. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and should not be tolerated.
I agree, you are smart to go out to dinner and you are showing a lot of class by allowing BIL and his wife the opportunity to visit SD at her house. If SD won't cook a meal for them, they can return to your house and you can go out to dinner again.
Sandye21: Oh yes, my DH is
Sandye21: Oh yes, my DH is livid. He will get over it, but I'm sure I'm in for at least two weeks of sulking. This week before BIL and SO arrive and a few days after they depart.
I ignore the silent treatment. I just don't like the tension that is in our life, during these episodes. It has gone on for years, so I just stay busy.
I absolutely have no problem with DH taking BIL and his SO out to dinner, to SD's house, whatever they wish to do, without me. I just do not want SD56 near me.
Thank you.
You nailed it CANYOUHELP.
You nailed it CANYOUHELP.
All I want is to stay away from all the bad experiences from 36 years with this woman. I know DH loves his daughter and wants it to all be one big happy family. I know DH and SD have brought this situation about over the years. I was so oblivious to it all, because I had a career and was very busy. When I retired and the treatment became obvious, I finally realized why I was being treated badly. DH and SD had ganged up and had their own little gossip, backstabbing, "click".
Now I do not want any more. That's the bottom line. DH and I do very well, until something like this pops up. I have learned to ignore it, but I hate the tension that develops in our life, because SD just lives up the street and it is a constant reminder.
We have discussed moving 3 hours away, neighboring State. The move may or may not come about. We have discussed it and agree it would be a good move. Selling our property and purchasing another, as well as the actual move is difficult, but not impossible. DH is disabled and we are beginning to move in that direction for better health care facilities, more family and friends close by, if we need help, etc. I have NEVER mentioned I would love to get away from SD56, because it would only bring about the battle again; thus I'm sure when SIL retires (he can do so now if he wishes), they will move to the same area. Everywhere we have lived, SD has followed.
I believe you are right, when you say reality might be setting in. DH tends to forget all of the things said and nasty actions. I wish sometimes I could dismiss it all as easily as he does.
Thank you.
Sammi, You did not ask for
Sammi,
You did not ask for this, you tried, you tried a lot. With 80% of the step children disliking Sm's. you were simply a statistic, like me. Mine ran off the wife before me and others too ( because they were the smart ones). We love our husbands beyond this petty crap, or we would have left this misery too. My husband is fabulous to me--in every other way, he really is... sounds like yours is very similar.
Like Rags stated your husband as well as my husband, taught these skids how to treat us, now our husbands pay the price (so do we). We can only protect ourselves, that is all that is left for us. These adult skids are in the biggest mess of all, really. They have no careers and are so self-absorbed they are jealous of anybody accomplished. Quite honestly, if mine were not friends, they would have few friends. One of mine decided to write about me on FB that I was "Smart and doomed, all the same." But, she spelled doomed, incorrectly. When he questioned her about it-- she said that was the name of a book she was reading. He believed it.. He was the only one that believed it. I searched it, there is no book published by that title, and even so, why was my name listed by it?....He is seriously like a deer in the headlights when it comes to anything these idiots do to anybody.
You are working with the same material here, it is not easy. You are doing well to stay away, stay uninvolved and stick to your plan at all costs. This too shall pass. I will be leaning on you at Christmas, we all have our times. I am hoping we both have more peace during the holidays this year.
I think it has a lot to do
I think it has a lot to do with your DH's ego. He wants you to put on the dog and pony show for the visiting relatives with him cast as beloved patriarch. It's how he sees himself, right? Except you've stopped feeding that fantasy.
Let him sulk and marinade in his own consequence. I'm sure you're a gracious hostess, and it seems like you've drawn up a plan that allows for all adults to have time with the rellies. Your DH seems to care a great deal about keeping up appearances, but your in-laws probably saw through the facade years ago anyway.
Stay classy, Sammi. They can kill you, but they can't eat you.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm sure more family and friends see the whole picture, than I realize. I don't complain to anyone, except here on this supportive site. StepTalk gives me an outlet, so I can keep on the high road.
DH is still sulking and thinks he is abused; he is playing the "poor me" game. My DH is disabled and thinks everyone should give in to anything he wishes, which happens with everyone, but me. I give 90% of the time, with no problem. When I say "No", it's like it's a sin.
I will NOT go back and get caught up in the same treatment from SD and DH. I know for a fact it will just go back to the same, if not worse actions. DH and SD did this to BM, for years, and then told everyone she was a b***tch. The sad part is most everyone believed them and now they have put me in the same light. I know I have taken good care of my DH for over 30+ years, but his memory is very short and he is very unappreciative.
I am doing, what I am doing, because I am at the age I will not give up my mental, physical, and financial security. I had a career and earned it too; so I am a stubborn person and "call me greedy" if you wish, but I'm not budging. DH and I came into this marriage with nothing and have built a nice comfortable life. After 5 years of marriage, DH became disabled. So I've earned my comfort over and over.
Thank you for your support.
Your dh is emotionally
Your dh is emotionally gaslighting you when he says that you are imaging it. My ex did it to me all the time as he really could not believe that his sadistic ds could do anything wrong. His ds kicked my dog, blocked me on the airplane, raised his voice to me, threw a dorm sized refrigerator at my son, complained all the time, swore to no end, ignored and shunned me and yet according to my ex none of it happen. You see in his eyes his ds was perfect, as he is my ex extension, and I was flawed because I refused to see his ds as perfect.
I can tell that you are emotionally strong by what you write. Stay that way as you are not doing anything more than setting boundaries. Your dh, as most humans do when boundaries are set, is trying to extend the lines you have drawn. He knows all your buttons and will push everyone of them until he gets his way. Your role, in order to maintain those boundaries, is not to react to his button pushing. Eventually he will give up trying as it will become to frustrating for him especially if he gets no rewards or accomplishes anything by pushing them.
You are honoring yourself when you set boundaries and only you can do that. Stay strong.
I just ignore it and go
I just ignore it and go forward like this is not happening. I am my normal "sweet" self; yea right. Really! I try to keep it grounded and show no emotion. There are times I take a walk out to the garden and utter a few unlady like words.
My DH has a problem with rules; it's like he wants to break every little rule that makes life easier. And yes, he tries his best to push my buttons, which I let happen in the past, not now. It is frustrating to him.
When it is all over, I feel stronger for standing my ground, but it is like a fight every time to pull thru it.
Of course DH doesn't realize what a struggle it is, because I don't let on.
Going out to eat sounds
Going out to eat sounds better than having all the work into a backyard BBQ - and if you chose to go, it's only an hour or so. Long enough to make an appearance but hopefully not long enough for them to get digs in. I agree, DH is livid because he expected you to do all of the entertaining and he knows his Dd wont do it. He will get over it.
I would go out to eat with
I would go out to eat with them, except I could use a break and they are all immediate family and can visit without me. My sister-in-law is great and she understands the down time; she takes it herself occasionally, when we visit them.
Yes, you are correct DH is livid because I'm not going to invite SD and SIL and make it a "Brady Bunch" gathering. SD will not turn a little finger and that he knows is not right, but he won't ask her to help; so it's on him.
My DH pouted big time when I
My DH pouted big time when I said SS and his GF could not come for a Christmas dinner last year. I just totally ignored it, and he got over it in about a week. I have no regrets.
notasm3: I remember your
notasm3: I remember your Christmas dinner episode. I understood it perfectly, because I will NOT do Christmas dinner for SD and her family ever again. We had that episode about 5 years ago.
Last Christmas my DH spent at SD's and I went to the neighboring State to spend it with my Father. This year, DH and I will spend it together, without SD and family. It's only fair to share.
You are correct, I've never had an regrets concerning standing by my boundaries; just difficult when they keep crossing them. But I am determined to keep it under control. I am so relieved and there is more peace, when everyone is informed and understood. These boundaries are for myself mostly; I don't care what any of them think about me any more. If the boundaries give me peace, then they have worked.
There is nothing worse
There is nothing worse sammigirl, than when your spouse claims you're imagining all the rotten treatment from their family
Feel so bad for you
And the more you try to point out what your SD is doing, the more defensive your DH will be, the more he will turn on you
Sometimes the best response I think is to say nothing when it comes to his adult children. Be positive, happy and pleasant, and just ignore all of her nonsense
I no longer get all worked up with DH when it comes to OSD. We go to family functions. She plays games. She says unacceptable things, in the sweetest most sickening voice (doesn't actually hit you what she was getting at until later) or she says the most unacceptable things openly when she is in a less game-playing mood
I've learned to just let it all roll off my back, if she is openly rude to me I will call her out on it. Otherwise I drive her nuts by being oh so happy, positive and just plain pleasant to absolutely everyone who is friendly to me, and her attitude, comments and snarkiness couldn't affect me less if I tried
What she hates the most is when she realizes she hasn't affected me at all, all her games etc... and I'm still happy and upbeat, and pay absolutely no attention at all to her or any of her ploys
Thank you, Disillusioned, for
Thank you, Disillusioned, for reminding me this is the best road to take. It has been easier and easier for me to do just this. I think it's because I just don't care what SD or DH think or try to say or do. I really don't care!
I find ignoring and being happy is coming naturally; where as before, I had to pretend I was happy and busy. I find myself off in another thinking mode and then after I've "had" to be around her, I realize it all came so easy to ignore her. I am so much more relaxed with my disengagement. There are times it is difficult and then I come here to vent.
I so appreciate your support and good advice.
UPDATE TO MY VENT! SD calls
UPDATE TO MY VENT! SD calls DH on his phone and tells Daddeeeee....that they won't be in town to visit with Uncle and Auntie. If we are not having a family BBQ, they will plan on leaving town and see Uncle and Auntie next year. "Please tell Uncle and Auntie we said hi and we'll see them next trip".
I am elated and hope SD and SIL don't change their plans. I had to contain my giddy mood and the smirk on my face, all afternoon.
Thank you everyone for your support and letting me vent on this site, so I could stay calm on the home front, the past couple of days. It doesn't change the fact that DH sulked about my not having SD in our home, while I'm home; but it helps me get thru the family visit this weekend. It's another step to successful disengagement.
Oh yes, DH isn't sulking now, he's in a good mood too. I think he was dreading telling SD they could not come to our home; instead she could fix dinner, or they could go out to dinner, so everyone could have a family visit. Of course, I had no plans to crash their visit; I was looking forward to the break at home.
I enjoy my BIL and SIL's visit each year. My SIL understands the break time, she even takes such a break when we visit them. So hopefully this will be a nice visit this coming weekend. I'm looking forward to their peaceful visit.
to say you are "imagining"
to say you are "imagining" the mistreatment of your sd is the way of your dh invalidating your reality. he has blinders on.
recently dh was gushing over the skids about how good they turned out blah blah blah. they are all in their 20s.
i guess he forgot them asking him to divorce me for the good of the family, one threatened to hit me (and dh was too cowardly to defend me), the arrest for drug possession and getting kicked out of the military.
dh has forgotten these "little things" and sees everything as so rosy now.
for the record, silent treatment is very passive aggressive and a form of abuse.
It is amazing how easy they
It is amazing how easy they forget all the disrespect and money these kids have caused.
I would have to take up two pages of this site to describe 36 years of B.S. from my stepkids, but they are not worth the fight with my DH.
I think when DH says I am "imagining" my thoughts and feelings; it is a way to put the ball in my court and get away from the blame. My DH knows the truth, but will never admit it. It has been proved and put in writing and he still says I "imagine" things.
It used to get me down; not now! I am on a high road and going higher. DH knows it too; therefore, the only avenue he has is to sulk (he thinks that works). After a few days, he gets over it, so I ignore and don't pay a moments attention to the passive aggression. Actually it's pathetic, when a man his age, can't give more respect to his DW. I give him respect; it is true, he's still alive.
Good for you sammigirl I'm
Good for you sammigirl
I'm happy to hear that!
I have learned that
I have learned that de-stressing by silence is rewarding, because it gives my short fuse a break. Lol...
Going off and getting my blood pressure up is very tiring. So I give it a rest now, with a nice glass of wine.
It is funny how disillusioned
It is funny how disillusioned dh can be about their dc. My ss is obese, does not have a high school diploma, an alcoholic, a personality of a wart hog and the last girlfriend he had she threaten to call the police because he was stalking her. Yet, my ex used t say he was such a good catch for any female. Unbelievable!
enuf; it is difficult to hold
enuf; it is difficult to hold your tongue, when they can't see the forest for the trees. I just walk away and know that it will all pass. Believe me, it's not worth the fight for me.
I read your posts and know it's not something that is easy. I feel bad for you and wish you the best. Stay here with this site, it is good. Life is so short and I hate the confrontation, it's a waste of good times.
When I used to hear what a
When I used to hear what a good catch ss was I used to try to swallow my tongue before anything negative would come out of my mouth. I used to think "is he really serious", I believed all the Neanderthals had died out, but here I was looking at one and dh was saying he was a good catch. Something is not right here and it is not me!