"But I'll be out on the street!"
OK friends, this has been bugging me for a while now and I want to know if anyone can relate.
I have 5 loser adult skids who play every manipulative tactic in the book to get what they want from DH (they know better than to approach me with their whining).
The one they hit DH with regularly is "If you don't give me :insert demand here:, I'LL BE OUT ON THE STREET!" DH falls for it every time because he is so concerned that one of his darlings in their 20s ends up OUT ON THE STREET. What does that mean anyway?
- Last month DH gave SD(24) $1000 so she didn't end up OUT ON THE STREET.
- This month DH handed SD(24) another $850 so she doesn't end up OUT ON THE STREET (she has a full-time job, mind you).
- DH just co-signed another house contract for SS(21) so he doesn't end up OUT ON THE STREET. If it turns out like the one DH co-signed for SS(21) four months ago, he'll end up having to pay it off again when SS defaults on the lease.
...and I could go on and on.
The skids have learned that they get what they want by playing the OUT ON THE STREET card with DH. I know he is imagining then shivering under a cardboard box like abandoned puppies, but get real! I told DH to STOP handing out our hard-earned cash to them, and only then might they get a taste of reality and begin to change their situations for the better. Hey, there are plenty of couches to surf and relatives for his loser kids to swindle before they are truly OUT ON THE STREET.
I am tired of seeing our money going out the door for DH's adult losers who dropped out of college and can't keep their jobs. Frankly, I'm pissed. I realized that last night when I was watching "Intervention" and the dad of an addict twentysomething didn't want to confront his daughter because she might END UP OUT ON THE STREET!
Aaaaarrrrrghghhhh! What the hell is going on with this?
You are living
my life.......i just put one of my skids who is 22 and has more money in the bank than we do OUT IN THE STREETS because i asked him to pay half the bills so he moved out in the middle of the night. and now hubby sees that he was just using him for free room and board. its just a waste of breath to tell your hubby that they are bums trust me i was saying it for 2 years he will just have too see for hisself then he still will not believe it...it never ends i still say the grown skids are worse...
guess I should feel lucky
that my ex chose his adult kids dependancy over loving me. He is giving the 32 yo son that lives with him free the house and has sent over $4000 to BD in another state for tires on her brand new volvo she could not afford and lost and divorce attorney.(this man is not rich , has NO retirement) EXSD's 24 yo boyfriend was GIVEN part of my exBF's business , given , company that costs 10's of thousand to build, and now rest of exBF's company is struggling, well maybe he will learn, when he still has not retirement because he gave it all away and no one gives a crap anymore , I offered to love him and the man had thye audacity to say I would need to sign a prenup, OK you just gave part of your company to the girl who hates us both's BF but you are afraid I will take some of your company if we don't work out?
I didn't even take as much CS as i could have from EXH and he knows that. I am tired of being accused of having same crappy characteristics as his ex wife and her daughter and the children he is supporting in their 30's.
Sorry Sarah but your DH seems wiser then my ex but somehow the guilt thing just seems to take over with these men,and what hurts me the most is when we are rtying to offer something better to them a more healthy affection , they don't see it.
"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard
Turn the tables?
I'm sure it is hard for your DH to say no to skids when they threaten that they will be "OOTS" (how do you like that, I made up a new acronym for "out on the street"). He probably doesn't realize they are basically holding him hostage like little terrorists with this threat, be it real or not.
Do you think he would like them to stop asking for money? (Or is there a bigger problem here - he likes for them to need his money because it makes him feel needed, powerful, in control, some other sick "enabler type" issue).
Assuming he wants them to quit asking for money, I have an idea. Next time skid calls DH, he says "I'm so glad you called!! I am really in a bind! We had one of those sub prime mortgages and now the interest rate has gone up so much we can't pay our mortgage and are in danger of foreclosure!! I need to ask you to pay back the money you owe / I need to ask you a big favor can I borrow $1000 / if we loose our home can we move in with you until we get on our feet..."
Of course it isn't true but what do they know. They can tell the whole world who cares.
Just an idea.
Nellie
There is one in every family
Unfortunately for Sarah101, sounds like there are a few in her family. Always somebody who can't make it.
I have 4 kids, one is like that and I am so happy that none of my other kids lives near him so he can't mooch off them.
Yeah, it's a mystery to me
Nellie--you are so right on about DH and his reaction to his adult kids when they need money. He is a very caring person and would help every bum on the street, and his kids. But it's getting tough to tell the difference between those bums and his adult children these days!
Out of the 5 he has, only two seem likely to make it. Just the other night he was telling me that he is so sad that a few of his kids turned out the way they did. It is indeed strange--he is a hard-working, honest person with good character and integrity. Too bad his children don't display the same good qualities.
Sorry
you're going thru this. My kids don't get any money & his kids don't get any money (beyond 16 man/child's CS) PERIOD
Adult Step Son living in Las Vegas not working
One year ago, my college graduate SS drove to LV in a new car to seek his fortune. I thought a 22 yr old with training in hotel and restaurant management (and with friends from school already working in LV) would quickly get a good job. 4 months later there was no job and no prospects. I was footing the bill so I got involved. I started calling him. If I phonedin the afternoon, he was going for an interview "tomorrow". If I called in the morning, he was in bed or getting ready to take a shower. I never caught him looking for a job. My co-worker knew a big shot in Las Vegas and called him and this man gave SS a job. He was hired as a part time host at one of the casino restaurants with no promises but certainly opportunity.
Getting him to go interview and take the job was almost impossible. After this fiasco, I angrily gave up financing SS. His mother took over and put her pay check and savings into this kid for the next 7 months. Car payment, insurance, student loans, etc.
Currently, his weekly hours were cut from 30 to 8. Last week he didn't work his 1 day because his feet were swollen because he neglected treating his gout (at 23???). He has not advanced in his job yet he signed a 1 year lease on an apartment (his share $500) with a buddy without consulting his mother (let alone consulting me). He is coming home to visit for a week this month. I am going to take over the finances again but he will have to ask for every dime. It will be easier for him to work at a job than to get money from me. Advice anyone?
He needs
to go to a homeless shelter if he doesn't work. Maybe that will wake him up.
Why are you footing the bills?
I read your post and gritted my teeth! This is too close for comfort. Why in heaven's name are you and BM paying for SS at age 23? Is he disabled, retarded, or mentally unfit? Why are you "taking over the finances" if he is able, but unwilling, to work?
Sounds like classic enabling. From my personal experience with a DH who put the "E" in "ENABLE," I can tell you that this kid will not grow up and take personal responsibility for his own life if his family keeps bailing him out. You are teaching him that he doesn't have to grow up--you'll take care of him. Is that good for his personal development as an adult?
In our experience, sometimes the enabled twenty-somethings have to be allowed to fall before they can pick themselves up. So what if he loses his apartment? We found that our SS(21) had to literally sleep on a park bench for a few days before he got reality. Yes, it was painful to watch the fall, but in the end the kid was forced to GROW UP, which is what everyone wants.
Ask anyone who is still supporting completely enabled 30-somethings, plus their spouses and kids in their home, and they will tell you to take care of it now, before it's too late.
Leaving Las Vegas
I am writing this as Oily Mouth, however I am original The SAP author above. I appreciate the feedback gang.
To update since my last post, I wrote a contract for SS, BM and myself to sign stating, in brief that, all future funding for SS would conditionally come from me based on SS efforts to find work. BM was blinded with rage! 3 days later she replied with her own letter (we live in the same house and sleep in the same bed:)
She was livid at my proposal and, additionally, her letter seemed to miss every point I made (this was shocking to me since she is mild mannered and cooperative on all other matters). All she got out of my contract was: "You want to cut him off, abandon him (i.e. leave him out in the cold).
Currently, he is home for a week. My gout ridden SS strolled in 50 lbs heavier, wearing a recently purchased titty-bar t-shirt. While he was getting ready to go out with his buddies to a strip club, his buddies were asking me about jobs, schooling and things like what does a geologist do (I'm in oil). So SS returns at 4:30 am (slept the entire next day until 4:30 pm). Next night 2:30 am. Don't know when last night. I find candy wrappers on the coffee table, ice cream scoop in sink unrinsed (am I getting picky;}? The 45 minutes he was awake and home he came out of his room and asked me to do his tax return ($8000 gross for 7 months work, he needs over $1600 a month to live and pay his loans, bills, ???).
Basicly, BM wants to handle it by not handling it. It is kind of a Sophie's choice where if I insist on interferring, I will be escorted to a boxcar by my SS driving the new car I got for him.
CONCLUSION: Unless, the easy money is cut off this will continue.
HELP!!!
I am lost
You and BM sleep in the same bed?
Help!
I can't follow your post.
Peace, love, and red wine
I think
The Sap/Oily Mouth is the stepdad, married to BM.
Your obligation Is?
I would like to know why you feel obligated to support such a skid? Tell him to take his titty t-shirt, and get a life. Give him a 30 day notice.
Example:
From:
Date:
To: skid
Dear Skid,
You are hereby have been given formal notice that in 30 days from (insert todays date) the piggy bank will run dry.
I will no longer cover your expenses, car payment, insurance, rent, food, or any related expenses. Sorry skid time to grow up.
If you need emotional support while you are dealing with the new job, bills, etc. then call me, I am more then happy to give you emotional support.
Signed:
This is pretty simple, send by registered mail, so he has to sign for it.
Look I have a skid as well, you have no idea about this skid. But, I would not ever hand my skid money, and especially not for bills, rent, cars etc. I think this is more about you, then the skid.
I am in oil also, it doesn't matter, cut the skid off. If you don't, then you are the problem, not him.
Because the questions are:
1) are you trying to get him to like you?
2) using money in another manner?
3) Do not complain if you sign the checks?
4) What the hell are you thinking?