To Late
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My DH still holds on to thinking that things can be worked out between me and his Kids. I am past that point. I have pulled myself out of the emotional gutter and I will not go back. I am done. I don't care if they came begging on hands and knees. I will not fall into their narcisstic trap again. Narcissists don't change the just find new ways to minipulate. Is anyone else at this point? I do not want to ever have to see them face to face again. I told DH if he forces me being in the same room with SD I will not hold back. I will tell her how I feel. I told DH I would tell her she is not the second coming of christ like she believes. I will not be the good little wife sitting in the corner taking all their abuse anymore.
I keep saying "when a woman
I keep saying "when a woman has had enough, she has had enough".
I reached that point many years ago. My husband has done all he can to rectify the situation, with no avail. The problem is, he spent so many years denying and burying his head in the sand, while his son treated me with absolute disdain, rudeness and disrespect, that I had to protect myself, by building the wall of china around me! I simply keep well away from him and SS32.
The funny thing is, I remember the days that I desperately wanted the skids to like me and would do anything for their approval. The more I pleased, the more I was abused my dh and skids. The day I could not give a damn, made it clear that I am no longer going near toxic SS32, or taking an inch of a step to join the "appease skids society", things started getting better. I have now reached a stage of total inner peace. Dh knows that I will not going anywhere near SS32, so he no requests or try persuade me to go. He knows it will be a NO!
Stick to your words, shake the skids off your radar and concertrate only on your dh. As time goes by he will accept it. DH has since confessed that he always knew how SS32 treated me. Now he is the one worrying and running around trying to fix the bed that he made!
"Is anyone else at this point?"
Yes. It is WAY beyond 'too late' for SD and I. After a while it gets to the point of no return. Doesn't make any difference what DH does now. It appears it is mutual with SD so it's fine with me. SD was an only child, told she was better, smarter, prettier, etc. than anyone else. Guess that meant me too. Life is full of lessons - and I am honestly thankful to SD who taught me that when a narcissist comes my way I do everything in my power to remove them from my life.
Ditto here....
on all accounts.
There is NOTHING that SS33
There is NOTHING that SS33 could do to make me accept him back into my life. I am older so only have a decade or two at most to live. There is nothing that that POS could add to my life. I don't have any time to waste on aholes.
That does not mean that I wish him ill. For Dh's sake it would be best if the ahole would clean up his life. But none of that is anything I need to pay attention to.
I've told my DH that his DD
I've told my DH that his DD will have to change her behavior immensely for me to re-engage with her. She does not treat her own father with respect, so she sure is not going to treat her father's wife with respect.
She's lived her whole life manipulating and then rewarding/punishing as she sees fit. I am not getting back on that hamster wheel.
I enjoy my life without her in it, and DH is free to go visit on his own. He likes this set up as well; the arguments that his DD took joy in have stopped.
Good for you. I actually had
Good for you. I actually had that situation back in October last year, when I was forced into hosting SD23 after she had hit her sister in the face, and DH went and fetched her from NPD BM's house, and gave her a soft place to fall at our place, all without consulting me. When she arrived, at 11.30pm at night, I let her have it both barrels. I told her about all the myriad faults of her personality, all the things I had held back from saying from the previous 15 years. It was cathartic, it did me a lot of good. I would not hesitate to do it again, should the situation arise.
I had an interesting day
I had an interesting day yesterday. It really opened up my eyes. My aunt passed away and her service was yesterday. She and my Uncle were married for 39 years. She was my Uncles 2nd wife. He had 3 children with his first wife. My 3 cousins accepted their stepmother for the beginning. There Bio Mom is still alive. She also has a happy marriage that the children have accepted. At the service yesterday they were all very sad they felt they had lost their mother. In those 39 years their stepmother became a mother to them.
The diffence is that my Unlcle set the tone from day 1. He was not afraid of his children. He told them from day 1 that if they want a relationship with him they will also have a kind relationship with the love of his life (his new wife.) They respect their father and were happy for him. There were hundreds of pictures of my cousins with their stepmother, her 2 sons, and all the grandkids. They were all kind, respectful and happy for each other.
It really opened my eyes. I realize that my husbands kids have zero respect for him. DH and BioMom raised them this way. They were told all their lives they are better than everyone else including their own parents. They believe it and live it everyday. DH and biomom created monsters.
The reason that we have the situation we have is because of DH and BioMom. DH is so afraid of his own children that he feels that if he does not lick the ground they walk on they will not see him. How sad and sick. The only way that the situation between myself and Skids would change is if DH changed. He would have to stop being afraid of his own children. If he actually stood up to them maybe they would start having respect for him. It will never happen. DH and biomom raised their children to love money, things and how to use people for their own reward.
Nothing that I can do will change the situation. I did not create it. It was in place long before I came into the picture. Me being around these sick narcisstic skids will not change a thing. They will not change into kind people. They will never have respect for DH. They will just continue to use him and abuse him because he will never stand up for himself let alone his wife. Even if the Skids started acting nice, It would only be for them to minupulate. They were raised to be narcissists. That is whom their parents raised them to be. That is who they are to their core. It is way to late to change them now. If you are nice to them they only see you as weak and will use it to their advantage.
DH is weak. He has no backbone to stand up to his own kids. He thinks that they love him. They don't know what love is except for the love of money and greed. SD is now raising her son in the same pattern.
I saw what normal is suppose to look like yesterday. I saw what if you raise your children right how your life will come out. I saw that even children who came from a broken family can be normal. That councelors saying that the kids are broken because of their parents divorce, and are not responsible for their actions is just a bunch of BS. The truth is that they are the way they are because their parents allowed it. Encouraged it and raised them that way. They were told they are better than everyone else and they believe it.
My Aunt and Uncle are the luckist people I know. They had a loving supportive family surrounding them. My Uncle said yesterday that his only regret is that he didn't marry his 2nd wife sooner. His kids all agreed. They love their parents and want them to be happy. They did it right. They raised their kids to be loving, kind, respectful people. The did not raise their children to be narcisstic. My cousin said they were so lucky to have them an example on how to live their lives. Also what a marriage should look like. What a wonderful gift that they all gave each other.
My Unlcle found the love of his life. Spent 39 years loving each other and his children stood by their side loving the both of them. They were so happy that their Dad spend all those years with they love of his life. They all have found the love of theirs lives also and are living their marrages by the example set in front of them. Their children now are doing the same.
Going thruough their parents divorce isn't what ruins kids. They were already ruined by their parents before the divorce.
Far better than I could have said it.
My condolences on the loss of your Aunt.
What an inspiring love she shared with your Uncle. They built a family out of separate pieces and by their example kept that family togehter and set up all of the children for relationship success.
It isn't rocket science. It just takes persistence and character.
They set an example of what both of those things look like.
I am so over all this junk.
I am so over all this junk. Just exactly like moose my step children do not respect their dad and never did. They are 37 and 35 so I doubt they will change. I just got sick of doing things for them when they never did anything for dad. I want to cry every father's day when they don't even bother to call or they send a text a 10 PM. Why bother?
They have always thought that mom was awesome even though she is now living with the son in a dump, broke, drawing SS off of my husband and losing her mind to dementia. BM has a degree but just did one dumb thing after the other over the years and never saved any money. She kicked DH out of the house cause she had a new guy but didn't think twice about calling DH to clean up skid vomit in the middle of the night and he did it!!! Stupid!
We have a nice house because I had a nice house before we got together, DH was in debt up to his eyeballs but you would think that he suddenly became wealthy when he met me. I get no credit for gifts even though I make 3 times what he does. I gave them money from my inheritance never got so much as a half assed thank you. Loaned them big bucks and it took forever to get my money back.
Then the one time I told them they had hurt my feelings by thanking dad for gifts after I was in the car...well then they tell the whole family that I am a B and I have always hated them. Yeah, cause I give money to people I hate !?!
So yes. I am done its too late to fix. They are awful and they seem to think DH deserves what he is getting. Guess the big Christians missed that commandment about honoring their earthly father.
Just like moose DH is afraid he will stop being invited to gskids birthday parties at the park if he calls them out on their disrespectful treatment. That is the only thing we are invited to, parties at a park.
In order to keep my sanity I made the huge decision to retire early and move back to where my family is from. Screw these people...all I have ever been to them was a cash cow who they can't bother sending a birthday card to. If DH moves with me, cool. If not, cool. Either way I won't have to see them ever again. Yay!
This is so liberating- the
This is so liberating- the realisation that I spent nine years with a man who didn't love me but saw me as a shield between him and his kids.When I took the shield away he no longer needed me.Fair enough- I have a life to live. I have a loving family, loyal friends, a head on my shoulders and my health. What does he have? A family who don't care about him and are probably sick of his bad-decision making. No friends. Poor judgement that means he can waste thousands on a boat that never moved from its expensive mooring. He is going blind, is chronically obese and gets no exercise. He will never find a woman to care for him as I would have done. No more tension, no more looking over my shoulder, no more silence. I feel relaxed, at ease, and free tosay exactly what I want and when I want.
I am going back to live with my family too- it's wonderful. Do it!
I am so sorry for all the
I am so sorry for all the time you have been mistreated. 9 years is a long time to live like that. I have been with my DH for 18 years but have only been at odds with his kids for 5. Once the son got the money he needed he stirred up a bunch of crap and then ghosted us for over a year. BIL and neice got involved and told lies about me and that was the end. I hate a liar. Looking back I see that they always treated us bad so I am not sad to be disengaged. MIL is in a nursing home and her house is gone so there is nothing to stop us from leaving. I am so looking forward to spending their inheritance on cold adult beverages in warm places
Sorry to hear this
Fairyo, Sorry you had to go through all of the mess before liberating yourself. DH did you a big favor. In a year you will be thanking your lucky stars, DH will REALLY get scared when reality sets in but please don't feel sorry for him and return to the circus. The longer you are completely away from it the better it gets. You deserve better.
I really did do my best- that
I really did do my best- that's what everyone is saying- and I really couldn't win,not that it was a competition. Looking back he had no empathy and I don't think he ever really loved me- I was used as a deflector between him and his kids. I am so much better out of that mess and it's great just being around 'normal' people.
He really didn't think I would go-but I gave it to him straight before walking out. I don't look on it as a favour that he did me- I went through a process of 'unlearning' that the man I had spent my life with was a charlatan. There is no returning to that circus, he has done this three times before and is well-practised at it. Do you think he thinks that? No, he just thinks I was a bitch for not adoring his kids.
I was in a vulnerable place when I met him, but I'm now in a position of strength. The future looks a whole lot better for me than it is for him for sure.
Love reading this!
Glad you are in a good place!
fairyo, i am so sorry to hear
fairyo, i am so sorry to hear this. i am almost at this point. the 20 years of having to play second fiddle to the skids esp the daughters have caused the last straw. the skids all see their father for his deep pockets. they fawn and suck up when they need something. my dh also knows deep in his heart that he cant do better in a woman that me in tolerating all the crap for years as he is short fat and bald.
i finally have a way of dealing with his infantile tantrums. he rages at me when he is unhappy and i am sick of being his closest target. his anger at his ex, his anger at his cruel and mercenary children. for years i cried my eyes out. now i literally just laugh at him. he has no ammunition. a threat of divorce? i laugh. bring it on. hes been doing that for years and now i have the confidence to deal with a summons.
Sorry
My husband is disrepected by
My husband is disrepected by his children and he is scared of them as well. He refuses to correct them regardless of whom they hurt, trash and bully; that includes me. The situation is hopeless, there is nothing to fix it and he is either not willing or not capable of correcting them...they are just like the ones described above. They think they are the only people that matter in a family, only because it has always been allowed. I have not seen them in years and it is so peaceful, he can do anything he would like with them, as long as I am not included. They want to be around him long enough to get his money, that is about all anyway. They used to always exclude me when I was around, so I am missing nothing but misery by staying away now. They may think they are the winners, but that is not true. I am living a much improved life now and, I am the winner. They no longer exist in my life.
Yes I am at this point.
Yes I am at this point.
Per my previous posts; SD wrote me a 2 page hate email, throwing DH under the bus, 5 years ago. Bottom line: I told DH, "if you and SD will sit down and discuss the betrayal you did to me and the email SD wrote, we will be able to work thru this. I believe I deserve an apology." DH's response, at the time, "we do not have anything to apologize for, I was only confiding in my daughter, which I have the right to do". I then told DH, "I am finished with it all".
DH did not believe me; therefore, as time passed, DH tried to mend the fences. It was and is too late. SD has never tried to mend what she said to me. They both would lie to me and go back to the betrayal. They are not sincere people. They have also did this to BM in years past; I see it for what it really is now.
There comes a time, when you cut your losses and walk away for good. I'm there!
We are still married, but it isn't what it could have been.