At this point, would confronting them help or change anything?  What do you want from them?  Would anything make you feel better?

This is a situation where you are literally drinking the poison and expecting someone else to die.  It won't happen.  Maybe you could see a therapist to figure out how to not let it consume you.

Because ultimately, we have to accept we can't change everything or everybody.  Things that are out of our control... we need to learn how to move past it.

Disengagement is that.. thing.. but with disengagement it's the "mental" "I don't care" that you need to work on... it's not jsut not doing things for or with people it's really not caring about them.

I mean, are your kids ok now?  Do they continue to suffer?  THAT would be something you could do something about.  Could you apologize to your kids for not protecting them?  sure.. maybe their forgiveness might help you heal.

When people hang onto bitterness and anger, it's because they see themselves as innocent "victims" of the other party.  It's not healthy to hang onto that feeling of victimhood forever. 

You can change the way you think, and instead of feeling so victimized, see it as a choice you made (to marry DH) that had unintended consequences, but at least you've gotten away from them and can have a peaceful life again.

It's really about how you think.

does the knowledge that your partner is very supportive of you help a little?  Esmods advice of a therapist is a good one.

when my step kids annoy me, at the time I am thinking ‘I really hope you have kids one day, then you will understand’. 

- I am currently disengaged from them. So it tends to be less of an issue these days. Every now and again feelings creep up a little. 

I know that my some of my husbands family are a little clique -with his grown up children - that it wouldn’t have mattered what I did, they still wouldn’t have accepted me. 

I think I’m more a angry at myself for being naive and not expecting it though, than anything else.

I do not hate the SpermClan nor am I angry at them. I completely detest them and I always have.  Their crap is a consistent source of belly laughs for me as they always have been. In between having to bare their asses and smack them with the stench of their bullshit during the CO years.

Being cognizant of the historical crap and never forgetting is something entirely different than hate and anger.

We documented everything and maintained that documentation for a number of years after SS turned 18 in order to be able to give him the facts and clarity regarding the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.  He learned to protect himself from their crap.  How he has dealt with them over the years has given all three of us a number of belly laughts.

Give up the hate, embrace the smirk that they give you, keep your own kids fully informed of the history and facts as needed in order to arm them to be able to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted portion of their gene pool represented by their elder half sibs, and make them a favorit hobby. At least regarding their toxic history and continued effluential behavior.

It has worked well for us and for our son (my SS27, raised as my own and adopted when he was 22 at his request).

Take care of you, take care of your kids.  Enjoy the pathetic drama of your Skid's lives.  

Detest is a synonym for hate.

Mmmmm I get that anger. Have you tried writing a letter and burning it? Let all that vitriol out and then just sending it all up in smoke? I thought my friend was crazy when she suggested that to me, but I gotta tell you-it works. Do it as many times as you need to and when you’re done take a long hard look at why you’ve held onto that pain. 

I have leanred that often often it isn’t actually us-our real self-who needs the validation of our pain and our anger. It’s our ego. The truth is lover, no one can give you the validation you seek except yourself. Often our pain is rooted in that need to be recognized in a pain state-we need someone to understand. I recently was very very mad at my Uncle. I’ll save you the story-but I realized, I was holding onto this pain and it was poisoning me. I didn’t know how to let it go. One day I realized I didn’t want an apology. I wanted him to change his behavior. But his behavior will not change until he realizes it needs to change and that may not come to fruition in his lifetime. That’s the path his soul is on here and no amount of my suffering is going to change that. Nope. What he needs to do is look in the mirror long and hard and forgive the person looking back at him. Then he needs to wake up everyday and keep that promise. Whoever hurt you may not care they hurt you. But you can’t allow them that power babe. Snatch the reins back and realize you may be down, but you’re not out and you sure as hell aren’t them. Then figure out what it is inside of YOU that has held on to this for so long and forgive yourself for it. THAT my love is how you let go. 

I actually did confront my SD24 a few years ago and told her some home truths about her behaviour.  It did help my feelings a bit at the time, and the situation was such (she'd just been chucked out of NPD BM's house for hitting SD22) that she had nowhere else to go and had to listen to me.  However, in the long run it hasn't really changed SD24 at all, and caused me such a lot of stress at the time that I'm not sure it was worth it.  I still can't stand her and I think she feels the same. So actually, disengaging is probably better for the mental health. 

Not that I've done this often - in fact no particular example comes to mind. But why not? Done the right way it sure would make me feel better!

I am disengaged and I am relishing the PEACE! One comment: it is usually the ex who insitills a hatred toward a step parent. Parental Alienation Syndrome....google this. it is very real and is a form of child abuse. MY DH agrees his ex has abused our grandson because we once had a great relationship, but she has indoctrinated him to hate me. 

My son is a loving young man who suffered due to all the chaos the ex created. She constantly wanted more money. I once had to PAY her 250.00 for an OVERNIGHT as her daughter had moved in with us and we were going away. She told me I needed to pay for the utilities her daughter would use at HER house. Mind you, she never paid US a dime of child support, yet we paid a LOT while the SD lived with her. She abandoned her daughter, at age 14, sent her here while I had my 9 month old to care for. She NEVER came to visit in 5 years! Her words: "I will not ruin my happy marriage for my daughter". This SD was 14 and very, very out of control. 

See a therapist. You need to be able to let go of that anger. Don't give them space in your head! They don't deserve it. Wishing you peace. 

Hello and Welcome OP,

Fellow SM of adult skids here and I completely understand the feelings of anger and rehashings over what could have been said or done differently.  We naive subsequent wives think all will be well because the divorce happened so long ago, the kids are adults, everyone's moved on, we can all be friends, I'm a good person so they will like me...  Stepfamily relationships are a minefield and you never know what will trip off some deeply buried first family issue that you had nothing to do with and had no idea existed. I was engaged in DH's family dynamics for the first few years but soon realized it was a game that I could not win. I only found peace when I took my "Queen" off their board and started playing by my own rules.  

The advice of "not caring what they think," is valid and a great place to start. It will enable you to remove yourself from their dynamic.  Next step is to focus on what YOU care about, your thoughts, you and your family's lives.  Your job is to take care o yourself, your marriage, and be momma to your kids. DH is responsible for HIS relationship with HIS kids, the buck stops with him.  

It's important to come to terms with what you have power over in your life.  Skid and first family drama = zero power or control so take yourself out of their arena.  Hyper focus on your own wellbeing.  

Even though I'm not an alcoholic, I have family and friends who are. I'm not particularly religious yet the 12 steps and Serenity prayer were very helpful to me and can be applied to any addictions, including addiction to family and stepfamily drama.  Just insert skid or whoever you're having issues with.  

"God grant us the serenity to accept the {things} (skid drama) we cannot change, courage to change {the things} (myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions) we can, and wisdom to know the difference." 

Step 1 of the 12 steps:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (skids) – that our lives had become unmanageable.

...If you're interested you can look up the other 11 steps as well.  This plus personal counseling helped me break free of DH's family baggage.  

I have dealt with two horrible stepdaughters for 18 years and I’m going through rage and hate right now. I don’t know how to make it stop. Like you, I have just tried to keep the peace. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s a living hell. 

It's kind of crazy. I have been with my husband for 30 years and the skids never really accepted me 100%. I tried my best to accept them though to the point where I kept lowering my standards to the level of a single cell amoeba. So much dysfunction and yet accepting that this is considered "normal" behavior. Oldest SD45, always in a constant state of financial drama, grubbing money, guilt trips, can't pay this or that (but always money for expensive parties, designer clothes, and leased vehicles in her driveway). Next up is SS43. With him, there is a giant pink elephant in the room. Everybody wants to know, what does he do for a living? Nobody knows, he has not worked a job in 15 years, lives with BM and apparently always has money for something.... hmmm? Finally, there is SS40, in and out of rehab countless times for drug abuse, currently living in a half-way house and put us through years of hell with the drama, money, money and more money.

My own son is 14, when he was younger he thought they were "cool" but now he is beginning to see things for what they are. My husband is afraid that if something happens to him, I will cut off contact with his half-siblings. I said I would never do that, but I did say that as he gets older is he going to want to hang out with them? The answer is no. What happens when he asks his brother "what do you do for a living" (drug dealer is what I am thinking?). Even writing this, I can't believe I went on trying to make things work with these losers. Why?

After 30 years, I realize, not one time has any one of them ever asked me how I felt, where I work, what I do, what I like to do, hobbies, etc. It's always an endless diatribe of "me, me, me" like dealing with 12-year-olds having 2-year-old temper tantrums. However, we are always supposed to support, accept, acknowledge, pay for, fix them. Its a one-sided gerbil wheel of dysfunction and I am getting off too.

My husband is sick now, and I keep thinking maybe now they will finally step up to the plate, nope. They can't even drum up enough money to get on a plane to visit. It's sad, really. I wonder how many years these adults stay in a perpetual state of adolescence? Stunted, still thinking they are small children and daddy is there to help, pay for, or pick up the pieces. What happens when daddy is gone? 

I have struggled with letting go of anger/resentment over the years towards adult skids and my DH.  I got some great advice from this forum on ways to move on and how to truly disengage.  The first step was disengaging from doing anything for skids.  Once I stopped doing things for them and expecting anything back (like a thank you), I was able to move forward since I was not getting pulled back into the expectation game.  Lastly, my DH finally understood his relationship with his kids is his responsibility to foster/manage/encourage, etc.  

It’s been 6 months since SD (60) has called or written.  I can’t remeber the last time SS(58) called.  We have a nice quiet life - although my DH would like for it to be different with his his kids, he enjoys the life he has.

I took it one day at a time and realized one day that the skids had not been in my thoughts for days.  Now, unless they reach out, they don’t enter my mind.  It’s alot more relaxing without that negative emotion.

I wish you all the best working through this struggle.

After so many years of marriage and complete disengagement I direct any lingering resentment toward my DH; more so than his brats. They are the way they are-- simply because they are allowed to be that way. HE could have corrected them, it was not my place--until it had to be...lol, and then it was all over. I never had any place...so this ts the best place for me to be.

 I have worked away from hatred to only feeling numb.  I seriously feel nothing now as long as it does not interfere with our marriage, I could careless. Now, if I see him sneaking the phone around and doing his stupid secret mess, I go back to feeling that tinge of disgust.  But, it is always directed toward him, entirely; and it should be.  Yes, they were horrible to me for years.  But, he sat right there listened and said not one word; he knew they were horrible too.

As you age and  remove yourself from the sickness over and over again, it stings less and less.  You realize the present you have given yourself to be away from the torment and toxicity. I think the worst type of exclusion has to be when your DH sits there and allows it to happen for--- any other person's benefit, over his wife.....not just his brats. And, "brats." well that is a polite description, forgive me....but you get the picture.

Being numb is good and it is a gift.  Being here is the greatest gift---knowing you are not alone.

IMHO true relief comes from a combination of confrontation of toxicity and full commitment to deliver the toxic people clarity while remaining at as safe a personal emitional distance from the toxic crap .

Ignoring it just makes us martyrs to the toxic cause and makes us enablers.

Wow!  OP thank you for posting this.  It was very helpful, and helpful for me in making the decision to move on (to yet another level of disengagement).  You know, my SKs are not really all that bad; however, I have that dynamic in my life--manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell--enough to know that I have to either put up with it or get out (disengage, in my case).

Sometimes (maybe most of the time) the SKs' behaviors don't matter anywhere near as much as BM's and DH's.  But, since it has been set up by both BM and DH that whenever she (or SKs) are around, BM is the Queen-bee to end all Queen-bees, I can't be around any of these people who have no problem acting like my marriage to my DH doesn't even exist.  One of my favorite quotes is:  No one wants to just be an asterisk in the life of someone they are married to.  When I'm just with my DH, I'm not an asterisk.  When I'm with him and the kids and/or BM, I am even less than just an asterisk.

Wow! Momof, this struck a chord with me:  “After 30 years, I realize, not one time has any one of them ever asked me how I felt, where I work, what I do, what I like to do, hobbies, etc. . . . However, we are always supposed to support, accept, acknowledge, pay for, fix for. It’s a one-sided gerbil wheel of dysfunction and I am getting off too.”  I can make that same claim after 20 years, so I would imagine with things as they are, I could make that claim at 30 years too.

Let me put it like this. . . after I leave here, I’m getting a memory enema!

The best way I found to not linger in the hate and anger was to stop using this website daily. My SD had moved back to live with her mother for the school year but I was still hanging onto the hatred and anger despite not doing any of the daily labor of being a step mom. 

If the step kids are out of your life phsyically, them find ways to move them out of your mind too. Reduce how much you are here, rearrange your home so reminders of them are removed or put in places you do not look often, ask your husband not to bring them up in conversation and just generally find ways to fill your time and mind with other things. .

If I sit and think about things I can still get angry and feel hatred, but I do not feel it every day anymore and it consumes me less and less. Time and distance help diminish the emotions. If you still struggle then therapy could help you to reframe the situation in your mind, just be careful it does not make you focus on it more. 

Let it go. Let THEM GO. Focus on people who care about you. Like your own kids. Yourself. I spent a weekend with adult Stepkids and although I did a few things with everyone, I mostly spent the time reading or doing my thing.  And they didn’t miss me. In fact my DH appreciates me telling him to focus on his kids when they visit. His kids certainly don’t miss my engagement with them and everyone wins. Yes, my adult skids like several hours away but the anger has mostly stopped. It was beating me up and it was wasted energy. You can’t get that time back.