married for the first time at 47 and I have 2 step children that don't want to talk to me
Just got married for the first time at 47 yr old. I never had any children myself. We have now been married for 4 years....I have not wanted to push myself on either of the kids. In fact I just mentioned to my SD that I would love to spend more time with her when she comes and visits us. My husband was married for 18 years and had 2 children with their mom. His daughter is now 24 and son is 31 yrs. old. The son is not biologically his. He adopted him at the age of 5. Both of his kids were present at our wedding ceremony. ( just the 4 of us). The daughter cried through out the ceremony and son was very quite. Since then the children have sided with their mom and don't really talk to their dad. The mother is not dating but devotes most of her life to her kids...calling them visiting them etc... They don't really want to come and visit us . Each year maybe once during the holiday season does the daughter come visit. She and her dad only talk on the phone. She talks to her mom many times a day ( as her dad pays for the cell phone bill and he see's how much she speaks with her mom) So it hurts me that they don't have a very good relationship...Some one told me and gave me advice that if she's too nice to me, she's not loyal to her mother.....Help?????
I am in a similar situation.
I am in a similar situation. I have watched my SCs treat their father like dirt for 14 years. If yours are loyal to thier BM it is never going to change (especially if she has lots of $$ like my husband's ex). It is exptremely painful to watch the disappointment in your husband's face, believe me I KNOW. I can't tell you how many holidays, birthdays, proms, etc. that he never got to be a part of because his kids would never go against their mother's wished for him not to be included in the special events in their lives (basically just to hurt him). Oh, that was until his one daughter was planning her wedding and them she was all sunshine and rose pedals as she drained out savings account (because Daddies pay for weddings). Ugh, I can go on and on. The only way I continue to get through it (as best I can) is to just stay out of it. I have tried to make him see the light but they are his kids and he takes whatever kind of attention he can get from them. Heartbreaking, I know...but you just have to accept that this is their relationship and look away. It's not easy but it's really all you can do. His hope is that one day they will come around and see him for who he is and that he loves them no matter what...even if it takes a lifetime.
Good Luck!!
thanks but it's really hard
thanks but it's really hard to watch his son not talk to him at all and the daughter only when she wants money for something. You are correct in that the exwife does pay for the extras they want. ( even though my husband pays for 1/2 of the SD's rent, phone, gas etc. and she's working full time. The SD is just use to the finer things in life and knows her mother will give her things.....the SD talks to her mom first thing in the morning and last thing at night.....my guess is she feels her mother has no one and her dad moved on and them married...... The ex is supporting her married son of 31 and gives her daughter what she wants to....so I guess the kids have figured out if they stay loyal the money will just keep on coming in....the son was adopted at 5 and he for sure has 100 percent loyalty to his mom. The daughter plays both the mom and dad......I have not pushed myself on her. In fact try to make her favorite foods when she does come, help with her dog when she comes and visits...) which is really 1-2 times a year and she only lives 3 hrs. away.....she does stupid things like calls my husband at 4 pm on his b'day, yet she calls her mom first thing when she wakes up in the morning......and of course since he pays her cell phone bill he see all of it! My husband does take whatever crumb he gets....yet he does verbalize that his daughter only calls when she wants something....I am sure the ex keeps drama fed to both kids about how bad their father is.....I have NEVER said anything bad about her mom....never have to either child.....my SD does make remarks like " where did you find her" at the dinner table and I said nothing... she was just trying to look tuff in front of a friend....she won't answer emails I write her...just always trying to be positive and not take it personal....but I do.....
Oh, you are bringing back
Oh, you are bringing back such painful memories for me. I used to be the way you are...trying so hard to make everything nice, be helpful, never saying anything bad about the BM (which I still never do in front the the SKids), etc. YOU ARE TRYING WAY TO HARD...TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt...I KNOW! This girl will never be your friend. Once you accept that and accept your relationship for what it is, you will be so much better off. When my Skids were young, I would leave during their weeknight 4 hour visitation. I considered this MY TIME. I would go to a movie or out to dinner...whatever. I would dread their visits more than I can put into words. It was like being tortured because they were so horrible to me (fueled and poisoned by their BM). Once I adopted a nonchalant attitude towards them...things started to change. I wouldn't cook HER favorite meals...are you kidding me? Cook what YOU want...you're the one doing all the work!! In fact I wouldn't go out of my way one inch for her (or her brother for that matter). THAT'S THEIR FATHERS JOB! A bully will bully until you stand up to them (or in this case, show them you just don't care anymore). They want to get a rise out of you and take pleasure in saying hurtful things. Difuse the situation and you win. I can't tell you how many times I've walked out when they started being...them! This is your DHs problem NOT yours. I understand your wanting to be supportive but how much abuse to YOU have to withstand for him? You need to change your direction and do what is best for your sanity.
I hope this helps a little. Just know you are not alone!
Now he wants to pay for her
Now he wants to pay for her health insurance....poor mom has paid it the past 4 years....what about poor dad....he paid it from 0 yrs. old to 18 yr old.....the way she does it ( SD) ..is to not talk only when she wants something....so she never talks to her dad...calls late in the dad on his b'day...yet talks to him, reels him in by asking about hometown questions....reels him in some more ( to of course get more money)...then talks about her dog, gym etc...she even has her dad (my husband) calling to check if her doctor is in her insurance network. What happened to a 24 yr old girl being on her own???? and paying for her own bills yikes!!!