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I need help...new at this.

JENinGR's picture

So I don't even know where to start. I am a mother of 2 (girl/boy) ages 15 and 10. I was single for 10+ years before meeting my fiance. He has 5 kids total....3 are grown 24, 21 and 20 and then he has...wait for it...a 3 and 5 year old. The little ones used to come over on and off for a few hours, now that we live together it's every other weekend. My issue is, i cannot stand them. Whiney, crying, not listening, rude, thinks everything is funny under the sun. My other issue is guilt. He has been nothing but accepting, loving and caring for my two...who by no means are angels (what kids are). I honestly want to hold off on the marriage for now. I cringe when it's their weekend and I often find myself in my room or taking my kids out all weekend just to not be there. Help me...am I normal...give advice!!!

JENinGR's picture

I have my own so it's not like I don't understand children. These kids do not listen at all! If it were the 3 year old I could deal...I know what a 3 year old does. The 5 year old, not so much, she likes reverting back to being a baby, not listening, screams at the top of her lungs. And also I do not agree with your comment on (quoting) "ONLY marry this person if you are FULLY and COMPLETELY prepared to raise their kids 100% of the time until and beyond adulthood."...they are not mine to raise. They have a mother and a father, just like I do not at ALL expect him to raise mine, they have a dad.

oneoffour's picture

In a perfect world the kids would be little angels. But they aren't and this is a result of lackadaisical parenting. Sad but true. Your DH has as much to blame in this as the kids mother. What does he do when they scream bloody murder? Is he reactive or proactive? The girl needs to be told about inside voices. They both need to learn what time-out is all about. They both need to be reigned in.

And getting angry at the kids is pointless becau8se they are allowed to behave like this and no one seems to be prepared to step up and stop them.

I suspect you thought your baby rearing days are behind you and dealing with this all over again is not what you wanted. However part of being with this man means dealing with his kids. Just like some people have to deal with crappy relatives, crazy hobbies and weird food. This is part of being in his life. Would you have more respect for him if he bailed on his little ones? This would have him classified as a deadbeat dad.

One day they may not have a mother to take care of them and then their father is responsible for them. This is how things are. If you do not ever want to raise these kids or even help raise them then walk away now.

luchay's picture

I think the point Echo was making about the 24/7/365 is if the BM dies or decides to abandon her kids - were do you think they will end up living ALL THE TIME?

You DO need to consider that, the majority of us SM's pray to every God under the sun that BM continues to enjoy good health and live to a ripe old age LOL not because we like her.... But slim as those chances are - THAT has to be a factor in deciding whether your relationship is permanent or not.

I would suggest that you and your OH sit and talk about your expectations-
of each other as a couple,
of each other as parents and co-parents
of each and all of the children (as a whole and as individuals)

And how you are going to manage discipline, which as YOU know but he may not realise does NOT mean punishment. You need to talk to each other and work out a family plan, discuss with him things that he may not have thought about - sd is 5 - how does she behave at kinder (whatever) discuss as someone mentioned that it is time to teach her about "inside and outside voices" and manners, and how to sit etc - all the stuff she needs to be ready for kinder/school. He hasn't done this before and is still in the "oh they are my wonderful cute babies" stage, and he isn't noticing that they are in fact now young children who need to be educated in behaviours and boundaries. So, find a way to frame it right - like in the context of trying to create some order in the chaos as mentioned above - creating expectations together so everyone can understand what there role is in this new family. Embellish if you need to i.e. your kids are feeling a little unsure as things are so different with the new family dynamics and it may help ALL the children if you both are on the same page about how ALL the children are being raised.

JENinGR's picture

Thank you dtzyblnd...SINCERELY. I am trying little by little and you are right. I have been a single mother for 15+ years and yes my kids are beyond these stages, I did not mean to come across like a moron and not know what kids are like. Mine of course were raised differently. Were they angels...NOT at all. And I do understand them pushing limits and buttons, I think I am just over it and I know that a 5 year knows right and wrong and can comprehend what she is being told. I feel like her mother and father did not handle the break up well between them when it came to her. And the BM of course wants everything her way all the time, even the way the kids are disciplined. I have stepped up and have told the girls, talked with them and have set ground rules that we continually work on. I think I just keep getting frustrated as it's constant with the non-listening and then comes the laughing. She's very rude and quick at the mouth when I call her out on things or try and discipline her. Thank you again as you have made me feel a lot less crazy Dirol