I'm sorry that your DH told his daughters about your private struggle. That to me speaks of a lack of boundaries and placing you on equal footing with his children. That's a problem. That empowered them pretty early on.

Secondly, yes, your SDs are treating you like you are invisible and inconsequential, which is extremely rude of them. However, the problem lies not with the SDs, but with your DH. See, he has allowed this treatment of you.

There is an interesting dynamic involved in stepparenting, where lazy DHs want to stick their head in the sand and think that if a SM is nice enough and giving enough, his kids will accept her. If they don't, then it must be that the SM isn't trying hard enough. It couldn't possibly be that his angelic daughters are being mean girls! It couldn't possibly be that he's allowed them too much power over his marriage and they are taking advantage! They would never!... except that they are clearly doing that and he hasn't said a peep.

Your DH needs to start speaking up when his daughters are rude to you.

- Asking you a question and talking over you? "Jenny, do you realize how rude that is? Why bother to ask if you're just going to talk over her?"

- "Look what Papa brought you!" "Debra, actually Sm333 and I brought it. Please don't leave her out. Much of the time, she does all the gift research and shopping, and my name just goes on the tag. Give credit where it's due, because Sm333 really puts her heart into these gifts! She's really wonderful to me, to you, and to the grandkids, isn't she?"

So, do you see how your DH needs to step up and start demanding respect and recognition for you? And how his lack of doing this has allowed the mean girl atmosphere to continue? Now, because he hasn't done this, it's been the status quo for years, expect any new assertiveness from him to go over like a fart in church. There will be resistance from his dear sweet daughters, but he needs to anticipate that and keep up the demanding respect and recognition. Eventually they'll get that you are package deal with Dad, and he won't let them treat you like you're invisible any longer. They need to respect you as his chosen life partner, period. If they won't, then their relationship with him will suffer. He needs to be this tough about it to get them to take him seriously.

As for the things they write, ignore them. Don't go out of your way to text people who don't seem to want to communicate with you, because that is acting like a doormat. When you put yourself out there like a doormat, you get treated like one. If you refuse to beg at the feet of people who aren't respectful toward you, you show that you demand to be treated with respect. So if someone needs to communicate with the daughters, let your DH do it.

So this is how this situation can improve. Your DH is key, and he needs to be on board. Pick up the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin to read how DH's are the key to family harmony and then give it to DH to read when you're done with it. If he has a short attention span, just highlight relevant sections of it for him. Perhaps he will be surprised to read how his lack of assertiveness has created the bad dynamic, and that how nice a person you are is completely irrelevant to whether stepkids will like you.

If DH won't do step up on your behalf, or half-asses it (like most DHs who seem to prefer being cowardly with their own offspring), then the only thing you can do to keep yourself sane is called disengaging. That means that you recognize these girls and their kids as DH's family, not yours. You stop attending functions that you don't want to go to. You stop contacting them all together, and if they contact you, you decide whether you want to deal with whatever it is. If it's a favor, be it monetary or using up your time, don't be afraid to say no. Stop buying gifts. Let your DH pick up the slack, otherwise it won't get done.

Your DH will be resistant, as most are to SMs who disengage. They've had the best of both worlds going for a long time, beloved and revered by their offspring, and companionship and nookie from an SM who also takes on the role of Suzy Homemaker, buying gifts for the grandkids and organizing parties and such. Except lazy DH's deserve none of this. Expect whining.

Tell DH that being with his daughters is bringing you down, since they treat you badly. It doesn't matter how nice a person you are if they are allowed to treat you as if you are inconsequential and DH never says a peep. And if he's not willing to stick up for you, then you need to stay sane and happy in order to stay in the marriage, so that means you will be letting go of the rope with all things stepdaughter and stepgrandchildren. And then do it. Continue to be loving toward your DH, and encourage him to attend functions without you. He'll have to go it alone without you.

After a while of this, DH will miss your presence, and he and the daughters will realize how much doesn't get done without you there. DH will screw up and forget to buy gifts for the grandkids, the daughters will keep acting like spoiled brats, but without you there as family scapegoat, they'll target DH. DH will be forced to notice the effort and value you bring to the family, as well as how spoiled rotten his daughters are.

Summary: DH sticks up for you or you disengage in order to preserve your own sanity.

Your story is so similar to mine except, thankfully, I only have one SD but she has the power of 3!! Your example of asking questions and no one asking any of you is exactly what I went through! They don't ask because they don't care about you. Painful realization, but vital to dealing effectively with the situation. I don't have bio kids either and desperately wanted to forge a family from the scraps I was given. It didn't work. I suspect that is why you are trying so hard with them...your longing for a family unit.

Everything the above posters said is great advice and dead on the situation at hand. You MUST stand up for yourself because no one, likely including your DH, will do it for you. It sounds like he's still very much babying them by giving them money still at their ages. You are responsible for your own happiness and setting boundaries as to how they will treat you. I agree that Dh should step up somewhat, but again, these are adults. He can't MAKE them behave any particular way.

Someone on here reminded me recently to remember what I DESERVE and that question has been huge in changing my thought processes and actions. You deserve to be treated with respect. Disengaging has saved my life and sanity.

I hope you'll stick around here. Seeing how many people are in your exact situation can be very healing. You're not alone.

Here Here I agree with all of the above -Same issues but I'm figuring this out early. The 3 SD'S are the pits. They can frost a room with just their presence. I have laid the law down with my FDH and that is the way it is going to be.(with the support of the sight) I'm not going though another miserable marriage. So his DD's and his sisters who support the DD's behavior will have to find something different to talk about. Also they are not welcome in my home. I have a dog and he doesn't like them and I refuse to kennel him every time they come for a visit. I know this sounds harsh but I didn't set it up like this they did from day 1. I've done my part and it just didn't work and I don't except it every will.
If you want to be a part of a child's life sounds like you have a lot to offer - They have a Big sister program where I live. There are plenty of children in the world who would appreciate a helping hand and be grateful for it.

I am sharing the collective wisdom I received from this group 3 1/2 years go: Disengage from these mean spirited SDs now. If you read past posts you will find what you are going through is typical for SDs and SMs. It might seem sick, and it is, but it is typical. By the way, a counselor once told me that people 'talk over' other people to invalidate them, but I'm sure you are aware this is what your skids are doing. I went through all the things you wrote about for 20 years before I had enough of it. It is obvious they don't want to be bothered with you, why not return the sentiments? To disengage you quit allowing them emotional space in your brain.

Let DH take care of all birthday and Christmas presents, do not remind him, do not contribute a dime to them. That way when they say, "Look what Papa bought you", you can be glad it's the truth. Without your contribution, they will be wondering why they are not getting as much or why they were forgotten. In fact, if you allow your DH to be responsible for Birthday and Christmas gifts, and remembering them, odds are they may not get anything at all.

When they talk about how wonderful it is to be mothers around you, just say, "Hmmm", nothing else. I don't know what a family IG is, but you can write how you are Daddy's 'total wife'.

The way I took care of the 'ATM Daddy' problem was to get DH to agree to pay for all expenses of his family (including SD) and I would pay for mine. Again, don't contribute a dime. Would they pay for YOUR plane ticket? Don't text them anymore. They will never see you as family so why waste your time?

One important thing - your DH has a role in this by not insisting the skids show you respect as his wife or in your home. Don't allow it. I know I sound harsh but you are outnumbered and they are bullying you. It is all about emotional and mental survival. Good luck and (((HUGS))).

I go through this too. I have 2 SD's. older one is the worst.

It truly is bullying and emotional abuse. Do not put yourself in that position anymore. Protect yourself , you DO NOT deserve this.

Do some reading on covert bullying and gas-lighting. Often gas- lighting goes hand in hand as they accuse you of imagining things and being TOO sensitive. Call it what it is, BS.

Good luck and all the best to you.

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please take heart that this is not unusual. painful though it is you are not at fault for marrying their father.

do not pander to them or try to win them over. it will not work. they will just laugh at you and hate you more.

this is not about you. it is about them. take the advice and disengage.

I disengaged, just recently. I told my husband that his relationship with his adult kids is what it is and I can't change that, but I also don't have to agree with it or accept it. I don't care to see them, I don't care to hear about his time with them, or whats going on in their lives. I have been very good so far of saying nothing or changing the subject when he brings up their names.
He has guilty dad syndrome and I am the one suffering.