I also didn't want kids when we married, but my husband said then that he would be open to it. Less than a year into the marriage, my career situation changed and I thought I wanted a child. Surprisingly, he no longer wanted kids. I always suspected he changed his mind because of his daughter - like maybe he assured her when we married that there would be no competition for her. I'll never know the truth because, when it comes to SD, I never know the truth.

Try counseling and see where it gets you. If nothing else, it might help your relationship with his kids. Honestly, I think the very nature of step relationships pits people against one another and there is little hope for serenity. You are young, though, so you have time to change his mind so you'll both be happy with a new baby.

There is a lot to unpack in this, so let's start with a question you REALLY need to work at answering honestly versus what you hope and want:

Do you want to have children with THIS man? A man who is blinded by his own kids and allows them to treat you poorly? A man who is obsessed with one of his children, potentially at the neglect of another? A man who has made the decision, and stuck by it, to not have more children? A man who is literally telling you why he doesn't want more?

I understand the boat you are in. My DH didn't want to get married or have any more kids. He has had a vasectomy. His ex broke him down to the point that he had resigned himself to being "forever alone" minus a few casual, short-term relationships. When we started dating, I was VERY upfront that I had liked being a wife and would want to be one again. I wanted children. If he wasn't on boars, I was fine with casual until something better came along.

My DH will tell you that I am the love of his life, and that man FIGHTS everyday to give me what I want. He said "I love you" first, he put away his fears of being married and has been an excellent husband, and he tolerates absolutely ZERO disrespect from his kids towards me. He is working on getting an appointment for a vasectomy reversal so that we can try for an "ours" baby, to hell with what his kids, ex, or family might think.

This isn't years and years of patience and waiting for him to "heal". This year will be five years together, and the only reason we have waited this long on the baby front is because we had some financial goals we wanted to meet before we tried. But we have both worked toward making baby a reality.

I am not saying it has been rainbows and unicorns in a field of gumdrops. There have been challenges. However, the challenges have never stemmed from those fundamental things that we both want. My DH got burned by BM regarding kids, so the fact that he is willing to give it a second go speaks volumes about him wanting them.

So, I ask again, why do you want kids with a man who either thinks you'll treat him like his ex did if things go south, who is more concerned about "cheating" on his daughter than about building a family with you, who already treats his kids unequally, and who allows his children to be disrespectful to you? How is any of that appealing for a father?

Really though, your wants in this situation don't matter. He doesn't want kids, and this is one of those situations where you don't compromise. Him saying no to bringing new life and responsibility in the world is the decision. He can't have kids, and he isn't willing to reverse his decision to have more. He was upfront with you about it when you got together. He had no business telling you that you all would be "family" with the steps because that's a silly promise he can't make or keep for two other living beings, but aside from that, he is clearly telling you no.

As much as it hurts, you have to decide if having kids is a deal breaker for your marriage. I also understand how hard that is - part of the reason I divorced my XH was because he put his foot down about no kids, and I had been too young and naïve to take him at his word. Leaving was hard, but the best decision I could have made. I have the opportunity now yo have kids and start my own family. I don't deal with disrespect (a thing my XH liked to throw my way). I don't deal with feeling like the only time I get what I want is by threatening divorce or leaving (again, XH). That's the point you're about to hit.

So, ask yourself WHY you want to have kids with a man who pushes you to the point where you may contemplate divorcing him in order to convince him that he should have kids with you? You may say you aren't there yet, but when talking and therapy don't work, that will be the last tool you have to get what you want. And trust me, when you use it, even if you get what you want, your heart breaks realizing you had to go THAT far. And if/when he still says no, you will have spent valuable time trying to convince him of something he never wanted, and you'll push yourself further in time to a place where children may not be possible.

I'm not saying you should leave or pull the divorce card today, but I am saying don't sit around waiting for him to "heal". If you don't accept his "no", then start counselling ASAP so that you both have an opportunity to express, with a third party, what you want. If this is truly a "healing" thing, then get help to fix it faster. If it isn't, it's better to know now than later that you two, while in love, are not a good match. And that is okay.

I always wanted to have children.  That was something that was totally non negotiable.  I wanted to have skids and grandskids.

How pathetic I was.

If you want children then find someone who is all in on that goal.  Better to take a marital do over than live a life of regret with someone who is far less than an equity life partner.

Good luck.

I did not want another child.  I had a bs, and dh had a bs. On my side still dealing with baby daddy(and his mother), on dh side baby momma disappered, but ss has the "my mother will be back to get me" syndrom, and daddy has guilty disney dad syndrom.

After living together and dealing with ss...i shot down having another kid- i also am a high risk pregnancy person- so being preggo was no fun for me.  2nd pregnancy was no better- still had a nicu baby. 

Dh brought up the baby talk, when we started having issues...i feel like he thought a baby would just glue us all together...but here we are... a daughter between us both and fights still happen!!  Our parenting styles just do not mesh together!!  Im sorta stricked, and dh comes in to the rescue!!   He lets ss and now babygirl walk all over him!!So just because you have a child, does not mean dh will change, the new baby might still walk all over him, its just you will have to deal with sibling jealousy!!  

Ss was 11 when i had baby girl, and let me tell you he wanted everything the baby wanted- he all of a sudden wanted everything PINK!!  Said he always loved pink, he would go with mil have her buy things for a baby- but it was for him, and the thumb in mouth talking was at an  all time high(he is a thumb sucker), but he stopped doing it in public- until the baby- then anytime daddy was near- bam thumb in mouth! 

Just warning you- baby could make things worse not better- i mean it all calms down- but just because the girls are older dosent mean they will not revert back to baby ways!! 

Its alot to think about!! 

It would be better to order some frozen sperm and have your own child than to bring a kid into this mess. Who wants mean half sisters looming over them probably planning their demise. Oft times the person we *love* does not have the same values as us. I've learned the extremely painful lesson that forcing things always ends in heartache.  He doesn't want anymore kids, good for him. Probably a wise decision with what he's dealing with.  You may be able to have a child, wonderful news! I hope you get a beautiful baby; just realize that this may not be the man to make your dreams come true. 

life. She had severe pre-eclampsia/toxemia with SS and nearly died during that pregnancy.  I also developed a hesitancy about having children of my own due to my auto immune disease (Type 1 diabetes).  While my own life has been awesome and not limited by my disease I recognize that that may not be the case for a child. I was Dx'd at 16 (nearly 17) so I was old enough to have some  understanding of how to manage the disease and to express some self control on dietary choices. 

My SS's HS GF was Dx'd at 16mos old as a T-1 and that kid was constantly oscillating between hypo and hyper glyemia, had no feeling in her feet at 15yo, and is a prime candidate for all of the diabetes horror stories (amputations, blindness, kidney failure, etc, etc, etc....). I would not wish this disease on any child of mine.. or anyone e;se's child for that matter.

Periodically throughout our marriage DW has expressed that we need to have what she calls a "Rags baby".  I have always advised that if that is what she really wanted that we work with her Gyno on that decision.  Interestingly, over the years my bride's Gynos have adamantly advised that she not have any more children...  until about three years go when her Gyno in Saudi mapped out the new treatments and mitigation strategies for toxemia.  So far... I have dodged the daddy bullet.  Even if we had jumped on board the baby train when that Doc advised us to...we would have been new parents when I was 51ish and DW was 40ish.  I think we remain aligned on focusing on each other, our marriage, and our retirement rather than chasing an evil little version of me around for the rest of our lives.

Also interestingly... DW's drive for another baby calmed when SS-25 asked me to adopt  him when he was 22.  It didn't change our relationship. I am and always  have been  his dad.  But that we actually did have a "Rags baby", though backdated, with the papers to prove it seems to have made a huge difference for my wife.

i think thats clear by what you’ve posted here. 

My situation is different from yours in that my husband never had a vasectomy, i was perfectly healthy but he was broken down emotionally, physically, mentally and financially by a vindictive exwife on a rampage to destroy his life using their 3 kids to selfishly get there. He never wanted to remarry or get in another relationship again.

he knew his kids were damaged/traumatised and why would he bring someone great into that mess. I met him, we clicked, i made him take that giant leap to settle down and he wanted to take that risk having kids because everytime exwife got pregnant it was hell, she excluded him completely from any appointments and fought with him at delivery ward demanding drs get the kid out right away. Kids were an inconvenience for her but they were her cash cows to milk hubby for everything.

my husband is an adult, its not his kids place to dictate whether he is allowed to remarry yet alone have kids with a new spouse. Life is harsh abd full of disappointments but to have your husband say you getting pregnant if cheating on his daughter?? Have you asked what he means by that?? Cheating for attention?

this is no different to bio parents having more children when the existing self centred ones demand they do not want anymore like they have a say. REALITY CHECK IS THEY DONT!!

does your husbanddo anything when his kids with ex are mean to you? Or does he keep quiet and turn a blind eye?

only 20yr old ss lives with us and he has ignored me and our kids since they were born 32 & 18 months ago and i married hubby 4 yrs ago.  When he pretends i am not there, hubby catches him out and says he’s out of line, ss rolls his eyes like he didn’t notice. We have so many issues with ss and hubby is beyond frustrated but even then, that didn’t damped hubby off from wanting kids. If ss told hubby he didn’t want me around or our kids and hubby shouldn’t have had more kids because he doesn’t want them, tough shit is what he’ll get.

you don’t seem to have a supportive husband working towards progress. Steplife is hard but if my husband would have said just marry me and be a stepmum and we’ll be a family, i would have run.... because his kids with ex have not treated me and our kids as family from day 1 and i always wanted kids of my own.

Lietenant_dad said "As much as it hurts, you have to decide if having kids is a deal breaker for your marriage."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ to add to this at the end of the day ask yourself, what can you live with? If you choose to remain married to a man that does not want children are you willing to live the rest of your life with that decision? Are you prepared to give up something that you really want? If you do, think long and hard and whatever you decide hope you don't have any regrets.

Friendly Reminder:  While your husband has many years to ponder all of this, your biological clock is ticking!

Here is the thing.  You thought you could not have children because of your health condition.  So you married a man who fit that reality and would not ever hurt you by suddenly wanting you to have a child that you could not produce.  Suddenly your reality changed and you CAN have a child.  How wonderful!  But the man you married does not fit the shocking alteration to your life any more than a man who suddenly wants a child after marrying a woman he knew was infertile.  The two of you no longer mesh.

So you have to decide.  I am sure it came as a shock to both of you that this was even a possibility.  It is going to be a heavy choice whether to stay with this man and turn your back on trying to have a baby or to say goodbye to him and pursue motherhood.  Hopefully if you do choose to become a mother the two of you can shake hands and part as friends.  This was a twist of fate that neither one of you could have foreseen.  There really is no bad guy here.  Just try not to drag it out too much and torture each other.  If you do decide to become a mom, the sooner you can make a decision the more likely it will be that you can have an amicable split and move forward peacefully.