Shaking My Head
Being the new wife (3 years) of a man who has two adult children who also happen to live right next to us is challenging at times, to say the least. (SS lives on our property in a separate cabin, and SD is building a home with a mother-in-law apartment, next door.)
My relationship with SS is better than with most of his relationships, including his own mother. But, the truth is.... he has emotional/health needs, so the DH and I tolerate a lot from him. He's 32, is given a job by DH, and is allowed to live on the property for free, and we pay for his electricity. He only takes care of his personal things such as phone, necessities, etc. This is also new, because DH had been supporting him and giving him money to help him.... as he can't keep a job.
SD is quite different from SS.... but our relationship continues to be strained.... I have tried so hard, and at times things are good, but at other times.... I just really don't like being around her. She and her husband are building their home, but I know that SD wants her mother (ex-wife) to live their eventually (free room for childcare too???). The SD and her husband also have a lot of young, active.... friends and couple friends. It's good to see, but they also like to host parties and celebrations often....and we are often invited to join. In many of my last posts, I've mentioned how the ex-wife is also at these functions.... and it is highly uncomfortable for me. It's been extremely stressful, and we have not had to be around her lately, since their home was being build. It's been nice to be together, with them and the grandkids without having to worry about his ex-wife. I understand that there will be SOME occasions where we may have to attend together, but it is my preference to celebrate as separately as possible.
Their house isn't even finished yet, but they are already having a celebration next Sunday. It will be a birthday party for their two small sons. Remember, we live right next door!! I love the grandchildren, but don't feel comfortable for myself OR my husband around the ex-wife. I know everyone already knows this, yet I still have to accept it. I feel the SD will not limit the number of special occasions she wants BOTH her mom and dad to attend (and say it's for her kids)!
On top of all this.... she always messages me to ask me if I will babysit the kids.... I usually do, but not always. I feel like she expects it. Plus.... the truth is.... she has NEVER asked me to do anything with her, (lunch, nails, a walk, etc).... so the only times we've had to develop a relationship are with family around or her dad and the kids.
One more huge frustration.... is the fact that they all live right there!!! Always around..... everyone comes and goes here or there as they please.... as if we live on a commune of sorts!! I never know when someone will come over.... And they also have keys to my home and will sometime go inside (usually they ask though, but still)! I would never go into their house while they were gone to go get something!! They also grew up in my husband's home where we live together....
I know I am the outsider.... I am the odd ball who didn't live there all her life.... I am not the "real" mother or the "real" grandmother. I don't expect to have things perfectly.... but I NEVER knew in a million years everyone would live right here so close to us.... I feel it really limits our time as a couple and interferes with the time we need to develop as a new couple. I feel quite angry at times.... And as for the party coming up.... I don't think I'll be going.
Phew!
I dont know the answer to your problem, but I certainly understand your frustration about the ex. I had to attend games, holidays, graduations, showers and weddings with now-deceased BM. Although I despised her and she felt the same, we both acted civilly for the sake of the kids.
I never realized how much she dreaded those occasions, too. One time, we were at one of these functions with her and her husband, Clueless. DH and Clueless had a good conversation.and Clueless said, "We all ought to go out sometime!" I cringed and BM screamed, " Oh, God, No!" So, maybe your BM dreads it, like you do.
As far as your SD goes, I'm sure as a young mother, she thinks, "more free babysitting!" aside from how she might feel about you. You and your DH probably need some in depth conversations about boundaries related to your time and privacy. Good luck!
My son and 2 grandsons live next door..
I have strict boundaries with DS44, GS19, & GS17. They have to call or be invited over, they don't intrude on our privacy and we don't intrude on theirs. I think the big difference is they are my family, but DAH doesn't have a problem with them being next door or with them coming over. DAH enjoys being around the Gsons and my son, he will invite them over more than I do. My DS44 and I are both introverts, so we like our privacy and being alone.
I feel your pain
I lived on the same property as my in-laws. Everyone has since either passed away or moved out. It was awful starting out and my husband would not set boundaries for fear of hurting their feelings. *eye roll* They would drop in whenever and if our door was unlocked, in they'd come. Wanted to borrow money, borrow his car, get a ride somewhere, etc. Then he'd get mad at me if I complained. Later on, we had kids.
MIL didn't cause issues until my daughter was born. She tried to take over. I finally lost my $*** with my husband because he was riding to her rescue yet again. He learned to set boundaries after that. He learned it was much worse for me to be angry with him than it was for his relatives to be angry with him.
As for the BM, well, in my case I was more likely to welcome her than he was. He despised BM. I got along with her fine and I think she grew to like me so there weren't really any issues. We never did any joint events though. She is deceased now so there never can be joint events anymore. I'd have to draw the line though on the SD living next door and moving her mom in. Even if everyone was on good terms, that would be awkward and too close for comfort. I'd draw an even harder line on anyone having a key. Why do they need a key?
Id move.
BM next door? Nope.
Everyone has keys and helps themselves? Nope
SD taking advantage of my time for baby sitting? Nope
open the windows and become a nudist!
Yep, you read that right....remove all curtains and blinds from the windows and become a nudist! They won't barge in or get in your business if you're naked all the time.
Just a thought...
Yeah, this situation needs
Yeah, this situation needs some boundaries. I couldn't do it. Why does everyone have to live so dang close to you? At the very least they need to show some respect and text ahead before coming over.
OMG. This sounds like a
OMG. This sounds like a nightmare.
I'm not old enough to have adults skids/kids, but I can imagine living next to my parents, in-laws or BM, and it's not a good thought. I adore my parents, rely on them for a lot and see them often. I would not survive living next door to them. My MIL mercifully lives hundreds of miles away. If I found out she was moving next door, I'd have my house on the market within 24 hours. And BM? I think she's too close being 5 miles away.
If you can't move (and that would undoubtedly be my first choice), I would start working on some really strong boundaries. No coming over without calling. No babysitting without significant notice, and let your husband do the babysitting, not you. No obligation to go to any event you don't want to attend, or where BM is present. Ugh, I can't even think about this situation without feeling dread.
My blood is boiling.
From one SM to another, I feel so bad for you. Please give yourself some self care. Do you have friends you can vent to? Sorry, but I am angry for you.
Btw, my four adult step kids hate me. I could feel the ughly vibes. I also think they are sneaky. I have proof, by looking at Instagram pics. I am not included. I think the SS and wife are phony. She asked for a piece of land t build home. My husband almost said yes, but said no. I have nothing to do with that decision. He told me he values his privacy too much, and won't share the land. I still feel she is trying to use her toddlers to get to us. SS was raised by his mom and SD. I feel that he is the most trustworthy. but see a lot of emotional issues. I spent too much money trying to impress, when there are others in my life that deserve my time and energy. I gave up, and not trying anymore. Feel like an idiot.
The little ones don't like me. I think someone is coaching them.
Fast forward, my H and I have a child together, and Steps never reach out to her. They may be jealous.
Ok, enough of me. Can someone please tell me why I feel the ugly vibes?
I Couldn't
Hi Beautiful Bird,
I'll start by saying that most of us get into these relationships with great intentions - or agree to certain arrangements like yours - again - with the best of loving intentions. What I've learned in my own journey with SKIDS is that there is bound to be conflict with them, and I've also learned that I'm rather inexperienced at handling conflict and their disrespect. What I'm also learning and what I want to share is that I HAVE TO FIND A WAY to manage conflict in a way that is satisfactory to me, just as others (the kids, for example) have to find their own solutions. Swallowing bad feelings is not going to work well for very long. I suggest talking to your husband and drawing up some unbreachable boundaries together, and then share them with his kids, if need be. Your relationship with your husband is primary, as is his with you. Then, once the issues and boundaries are out in the open, hopefully you all can adjust here and there until everyone is feeling respected (notice I said 'respected' and not 'adequately enabled').
As for SKIDS inviting BM and BD to the same functions, I can understand them wanting to do that. I would suggest that if you are uncomfortable in such an arrangement, have your own celebrations when possible. I know none of this is perfect, but your sanity and self respect may require some creative thinking here. (Here is my creative thinking example for my own situation: my SD was so mouthy and rude on her trip here this week - doing her best to destroy our relationship and that with my husband's sibs - that once my husband is over his illness, he's going to learn that she and I will never be in our home at the same time again; he can send me on a trip if he wants her to visit. A nice one. I'm over her beyond-the-pale accusations and rudeness.)
Best wishes and be strong. You matter. xxo